The Broom of the System

by David Foster Wallace

  There was also the matter of Clint Roxbee-Cox, who had kept calling Candy at Nick’s place last night, and not saying anything, and who was now doing the same thing at the F and V board, although he must have had to call many times just to get through at all, because the Frequent and Vigorous switchboard situation was worse than ever. Mindy was too new to get really pissed off yet, but Candy had just about had it with the switchboard. Not only was she getting illegitimate calls for other places, with Fuss ‘n’ Feathers Pet Shop and Cleveland Towing both enjoying unprecedented volume, but now the board had taken to lighting up and ringing and beeping her console phones for what appeared to be no reason at all, with no one on the other end, at all, just static, which was distinguishable from an illegitimate but still human Roxbee-Cox call by the breathing that was a prominent feature of the latter. The phones simply would not shut up, and Candy couldn’t shut down the console, because she didn’t have a ratchet wrench. With great reluctance she tried calling to complain at Interactive Cable, and was informed that Console Service Technician Peter Abbott should at that very moment have been on his way over to the Bombardini Building, by way of Enrique’s House of Cheese, to relate news of some importance to the appropriate Frequent and Vigorous personnel. Ms. Peahen had already been contacted, and they were trying to reach Mr. Vigorous.

  “Super,” Candy said.

  Then there was the unlikely pair of Mr. Bloemker and Alvin Spaniard, whom Candy didn’t know from a hole in the ground, and who had been lurking in the lobby for about half an hour, waiting to see Lenore. Mr. Bloemker claimed that they’d called the Tissaws’ boarding house and spoken to a strangely familiar-sounding young woman who had said she knew for a positive fact that Lenore was on her way to the Bombardini Building. Candy had shrugged, at the console. She assumed the woman on the phone had been Mindy Metalman, but had no idea how Mindy was supposed to know where Lenore was. Anyway, the two men had looked at their watches and at each other, and said they’d wait, and their waiting had made for an unpleasant half hour, because Alvin Spaniard kept making what Candy thought might have been eyes at her, and Judith Prietht kept making what Candy knew from her long acquaintance with Judith definitely were eyes at Mr. Bloemker, and Mr. Bloemker was just being unnecessarily creepy—scratching violently at his beard, having bits of random sunlight reflect off his glasses, sometimes acting as if he were whispering to someone under his arm when there was clearly no one there, and asking Judith and Candy how they perceived their own sense of the history of the Midwest. Champ had hissed at him. Now Bloemker and Alvin Spaniard were walking slowly around the huge perimeter of the inside of the lobby, pointing at the floor in various places and speaking in low tones. Candy just could not wait for Mindy Metalman Lang to get back.

  But now in through the revolving door came Lenore, and following her was Andy Lang, and out in front was the sound of Neil Obstat peeling out in Lang’s Trans Am, he having been signalled on his Stonecipheco beeper the minute the three of them had gotten far enough north on 77 to be in beeper range. Obstat was supposed to come back for them as soon as he could.

  Lenore didn’t even seem to notice her brother-in-law and Mr. Bloemker when she came in. She didn’t seem to notice anything. She was also walking funny, and her dress was dirty, and she had a smear of black dust on her face, plus a brightly sunburned nose, and on her wrist Candy could see what was pretty clearly a handcuff, trailing a short length of broken pretend-silver chain.

  “Jesus Lenore,” Candy said when Lenore got inside the cubicle. Judith and Champ were staring from the counter.

  “Don’t want to hear it Candy,” Lenore said, without looking up. She opened one of the white switchboard cabinets and began taking some of her books out and sorting them on the counter. Out came a little cloth bag with soap, toothbush, and toothpaste. Lenore wordlessly hunted for other items in the cabinet. She opened the next cabinet door and brought out a stack of old lottery tickets bound with a rubber band.

  “Hey there Candy,” Lang nodded tiredly from the switchboard counter, rubbing his face.

  Candy folded her arms and looked at the handcuff hanging from Lenore’s wrist. The handcuff kept clanking on the insides of the cabinets. The skin of Lenore’s wrist was all red. On the handcuff itself Candy could see part of a pair of metal lips shaped in a kiss-design; on the lips was embossed “Bambi’s Den Of.”

  “ ‘Bambi’s Den Of?’ ” she said. She looked up at Lang. Lenore was sifting through some of her magazines.

  “Hi there, Lenore,‘” Judith Prietht was saying in a high, pretend-cat voice, holding Champ and moving the cat’s paw up and down in a hello. She made a move to bring the cat back into the cubicle.

  “Please stay out, Judith,” Lenore said quietly.

  “Ladies, let’s not give Lenore any more grief than need be, she’s had a bad enough day as it is,” Lang said, leaning his elbows on the counter.

  “A bad day?” Candy said.

  “Don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Bad grandmother-news?”

  “Don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Grandmothers and Desert bondage?”

  “Hush, now, Candy,” said Lang.

  It wasn’t clear how long Mr. Bloemker and Alvin Spaniard had been at the edge of the counter, next to the hissing Champ. Now Mr. Bloemker rubbed an eye and cleared his throat.

  Lang looked over at him. “We help you, chief?”

  Mr. Bloemker gave him a bland look. “We are here to speak to Ms. Beadsman,” he said.

  Lenore had meanwhile sat down, in Judith’s Bombardini-switchboard chair, and closed her eyes. Now she looked up at Bloemker and Alvin, as if she didn’t recognize them for a moment.

  “Hi,” she said.

  “Well hello, Lenore,” Alvin said. He was smiling the way someone smiles when he doesn’t feel very well.

  “Hi.”

  “We come on unprecedentedly urgent business, Ms. Beadsman,” said Bloemker.

  “Do you.”

  “Gentlemen, the little lady’s had herself a rough morning,” Lang said, moving over behind Bloemker and Alvin and putting a hand on each man’s shoulder. “What say we all just give her some time to collect, here.”

  The phones had of course been ringing and beeping like crazy this whole time. Candy Mandible kept Accessing one trunk after another, and there would just be static, and tones.

  “The phones have finally gone totally insane, Lenore,” she said through clenched teeth.

  Lenore was looking from Mr. Bloemker to her brother-in-law. “Do you guys even know each other?” she said slowly.

  Alvin looked decidedly uncomfortable. He kept doing something to the collar of his shirt. Half of Mr. Bloemker’s face was in the shadow.

  Now a new head just barely appeared above the top of the switchboard counter, bouncing up and down a little, in the middle of everyone. Lang looked down in irritation. Lenore stood up to see.

  “Dr. Jay?” she said.

  “Greetings, Lenore,” said Dr. Jay.

  “Well hi,” she said.

  “Looking a little dishevelled today, aren’t we?” Jay looked her over.

  “Can we help you out with somethin‘, here, bud?” Lang said from between Bloemker and Alvin.

  Lenore saw the top of Dr. Jay’s head turn. “I’m a friend of Ms. Beadsman‘s, young sir,” he said. “I’m here to see Ms. Beadsman if I may. ”

  “What’re you sniffin’ like that for?” Lang said. “You smell somethin’ out of the ordinary do you?”

  Dr. Jay was hauling himself up over the top of the counter as far as he could. He looked down into the cubicle at Lenore, who was back in Judith’s chair. “Lenore, I’m afraid I’ve just gotten off the phone with Norman Bombardini,” he said. He tested the air of the cubicle. “I would be inclined to say that it might be better for you not to be in the Building right now. Norman apparently saw you arrive from some restaurant down the street. I’m afraid he’s in a bit of a bad way, emotionally speaking, at the pr
esent time.”

  “Mr. Bombardini’s in an emotional bad way?” said Judith.

  “How do you even know Mr. Bombardini?” Lenore said. “You never told me you knew Mr. Bombardini.”

  Dr. Jay made as if to wipe his nose with a handkerchief. He left the hankie over his nose and mouth. “Ethics, et cetera,” he said through the cloth. “Actually a longtime client and friend.” Lang was giving Dr. Jay a very unfriendly look indeed. “He’s unfortunately very upset,” Dr. Jay continued, pushing himself even higher over the counter with his elbows so that his feet were off the lobby floor. He leaned toward Lenore with his hankie. “I’m afraid he’s talking with some earnestness about ... consuming people.”

  “Consuming?”

  “All metaphorical, I’m firmly convinced. Surely you’re in a position to see that this eating business masks membranous turmoils far too ... tumultuous to go into here.” Jay looked around. “Shall we perhaps—?”

  “Eating?” Lang said.

  “The crux here being that in his present state of emotional turmoil and physical ... girth,” Jay said, struggling now to keep himself above the counter, “it appears prudent to err on the side of—”

  “Hold it a second,” Lang said, his head cocked. “What in the hell’s that sound supposed to be?” Everyone stopped and listened.

  And there was a bit of a distant sound, like a train or thunder, that grew slightly and then was for a moment obscured by the shriek of some phones.

  “God damn it,” Candy Mandible said.

  “Lenore, as a professional and a friend, I suggest that we quickly and quietly leave,” Jay said, struggling. His elbows finally gave, and he fell back out of view. Lang looked down at him. Jay’s voice came over the counter. “Other issues we need to countenance together, Lenore. I’ve been doing some thinking. A discussion is imperative.”

  “I’ve decided we’re finished, Dr. Jay,” Lenore said from her chair. “Our relationship is over.”

  “I’ll make it a free session.”

  “Relationship?” said Lang.

  Mr. Bloemker cleared his throat again and stepped forward under Lang’s hand. “Ms. Beadsman before you go anywhere with anyone I really must ask that we all speak, here, in the lobby, on a matter you and I had agreed I should bring before you, should any—”

  “And I thought we said we weren’t gonna be makin’ stressful demands on the lady just now, Gus,” Lang said, pulling Bloemker back to him. Bloemker looked over at Alvin Spaniard.

  Candy was watching Wang-Dang Lang from the console, whenever she could look up. The noise of the phones was now constant. All the trunk lights were illuminating.

  “Are you here with Mr. Bloemker, or what?” Lenore said, looking at Alvin Spaniard.

  Alvin pushed his glasses up. He looked across Lang at Mr. Bloemker. The rumbling sound was getting louder.

  Judith Prietht and Champ had turned around; Judith was looking into the shadow. “Hey Mr. V!” she called suddenly. “Whatcha doin’ back there?” Everyone turned and looked. Rick Vigorous was back against the rear wall of the lobby, in the edge of the Erieview shadow, moving gradually with it. He was filthy with black dust, arid melted partway into the dark. It was hard to see him. But Candy could see something gleaming on his wrist when his arm came into the light. It was another handcuff. Candy looked back down at Lenore, Lenore had one of her sneakers off and was holding it upside down, pouring black sand through the day’s wreath of roses on top of the switchboard wastebasket.

  “Fucking sand,” she said. Her sock was incredibly dirty.

  “Greetings, Rick!” Dr. Jay shouted.

  “Can’t believe you got the balls to be here right now, R. V. !” Lang called loudly across the empty lobby to Rick Vigorous. “And how the hell’d you even get here so quick?”

  Candy began to have a really bad feeling, and she looked at Lenore, who was emptying out her other shoe.

  “You better just git!” Lang was calling.

  Rick Vigorous didn’t say anything.

  The rhythmic rumbling was now too loud even for the phones to cover. Candy thought she could feel the marble floor of the lobby vibrating slightly. The shadow was bigger than it should have been for one o‘clock.

  “What the hell is that?” said Lang. He looked down at Dr. Jay.

  Now through the revolving door in big hurries came Neil Obstat, Jr., Sigurd Foamwhistle, and Stonecipher Beadsman III. Right behind them was Peter Abbott, and right behind him was Walinda Peahen. Peter’s big toolbox somehow got jammed in the door, and Walinda yelled at him from her glass compartment until he got the box free and the door spit them both out.

  Mr. Beadsman was looking at his watch as he came. “Lenore!” he called.

  “Jesus Lenore it’s your Dad, and that cable guy, Abbott,” Candy said.

  Lenore stayed where she was, in the Bombardini-switchboard chair, holding her sneakers. Mr. Bloemker and Alvin Spaniard headed over to Obstat and Foamwhistle and Mr. Beadsman, and the five stood in the middle of the lobby floor, conferring. Obstat was looking at a large piece of paper and pointing to a section of the floor in the back of the lobby, over near Rick Vigorous. Meanwhile Walinda had come straight to the cubicle, brushing aside Dr. Jay, who was hurrying back toward the revolving door.

  “Girl all I can say is whatever happened it damn well better be important,” Walinda said, coming inside. She stopped and looked around. “Where’s that new girl that’s supposed to be on?”

  “I quit, Walinda,” Lenore said.

  “Quit?” Candy Mandible twisted around in her chair to look at them both. A phone rang.

  “Yes.” Lenore raised her voice to get it all the way to the back of the lobby over the rumbling. “I quit!”

  “Quit?”

  “Girl answer the phone, ” Walinda said, pinching at Candy’s shoulder.

  “There’s nothing on the other end,” Candy said quietly, staring at Lenore. “Just static and tones. Lenore, what do you mean quit?”

  “Hi Peter!” called Judith Prietht, manipulating poor Champ’s paw yet again. Peter was doing something over near the section of the lobby floor that Neil Obstat had pointed out.

  “The matter Lenore, you and that bitty fella back there have a fight?” Walinda chuckled and reached for the Legitimate Call Log. “Too bad. You need any help gettin’ your stuff together?”

  “Hey.Geraldine, why don’t you just jump on back,” Lang said to Walinda. “Little lady’s had herself a rough day.” Walinda slowly turned eyes to Wang-Dang Lang, and they stared at each other. Lang grinned.

  “Lenore, sweetie, tell me what I can do,” Candy was whispering into Lenore’s ear, an arm around her shoulder. Phones jangled. The lobby shook faintly. Lenore closed her eyes and shook her head.

  Now Peter Abbott appeared at the counter. He was smiling broadly.

  “Satisfaction, ladies,” he said, hefting his toolbox and patting it.

  “Satisfaction?”

  Lang looked down at Peter’s box and toolbelt. “Hey there good bud,” he said. “You want to see what you can do about these crazy-ass phones?”

  “Tex, that’s the exact reason I’m here,” Peter Abbott said. “To start clearin’ up and explaining maybe the bizarrest phone-tunnel snafu in Cleveland history. He came around into the cubicle. ”And to start to take steps to give you good folks some of the satisfaction you’ve been waitin’ for, and also to remove this pesky old tunnel-test cable, down here.“ He produced a ratchet wrench with a flourish and with two quick turns shut the F and V console off. Now there was only the outside rumble. Peter turned to Walinda Peahen. ”The tests are officially completed.“ He lowered himself under the counter, humming. Candy shot her chair back.

  Lang leaned way over the counter into the cubicle. “Lenore, ” he whispered, smiling and snapping his fingers. “Let’s just git. What do you say? Car’s out front. We can just come on back in a bit, R.V. and all these folks’ll be gone. Let’s git.”

  “So are you saying you’re ac
tually fixing our lines?” Candy was saying. “Is that what you’re saying?” She kicked a little at Peter’s jiggling boots. “And also maybe explaining a little bit? For Christ’s sake now they ring and there’s nobody there! What kind of phone rings when there’s nobody there?”

  “All I can say for openers is that Interactive Cable’s own Ron Sludgeman is a certifiable genius,” said a muffled Peter Abbott. “This particular tunnel-test was certifiably ingenious. You just hang on up there.”

  “Lenore, ” Lang was whispering.

  “Lenore, please come here immediately,” Mr. Beadsman called from out in the lobby.

  Lenore stayed slumped in the chair, looking at the open cabinets and her pile of books and other items on the counters, and at the handcuff. Candy Mandible looked out at Mr. Beadsman and his group. They all seemed to be gathered around Neil Obstat, Jr., in the comer of the lobby, while Obstat lay on his stomach and did something to that section of the floor Peter had been at. Rick Vigorous watched from nearby, along the back wall. Everything rumbled.

  “What’re they trying to do to the floor?” Candy asked, tapping Walinda on the shoulder.

  Walinda looked out. “Hey fools!” she called. “Hey!”

  “You tell everybody to just hang onto their hats about the tunnel,” Peter Abbott was saying. He emerged with one end of the long test-cable and unhooked it from the side of the Frequent and Vigorous console. He held it up for everyone to admire as light slowly went out of it. “Damned smart, is all I can say,” he said. “Put this particular console technician right back in his place, let me tell you that right now.”