The problem was, I thought my virginity would be more of an appeal. Donna told me it would be, and I supposed in some distant fantasy, that was true. But when it came to actually taking my virginity, they had very different ideas.
"Oh, I’m not looking for someone to get attached to," one of the men had told me like I was just a time bomb waiting to go off. I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him. I wasn’t going to lose my mind as soon as someone put their dick near me, but everyone was treating me that way, and I couldn’t take it any longer.
So, I lay in bed with my hand down my panties, trying to bring about pleasure. I could make myself come, but it wasn’t anything like the power I knew a good, hard fuck would have given me.
I hadn’t been with a man since before Cara, and I needed one close to me. Thom had been avoiding me nearly across the board since I had come back, and frankly, I had accepted hooking up with him would likely have been a shitty deal for me anyway. He was so much older than me, and he was my stepdad’s friend--I couldn’t imagine anything good could come from getting with him. Plus, there was some part of me that remembered how much it had hurt me when Donna slept with my stepdad. I didn’t want to inflict that on her.
But that didn’t mean I had discounted that from the occasion entirely.
In fact, there was still some part of me that wanted to remind her just how bad what she had done to me had been. She’d thrust me into the world of sex and sexuality by fucking my stepdad in the room next to mine. I still had that image burned on to my memory like a brand and it was her fault, all her fault. Yes, I was mad at her about it. Yes, I was pissed. So, when it came to choosing the man I was going to lose it to, someone kept playing on my thoughts. Someone I knew I didn’t want to deny a moment longer.
I could remember the way Mark had been looking at me when I told about what happened with Cara. He had been touching Donna, sure, but I could tell he wished his hands were all over me.
And maybe that’s what I needed. It would be just the kind of revenge that would teach Donna never to go near a member of my family again. And hey, it wasn’t like I would have much trouble tracking him down. He was always hanging around the house, and I was keen to see exactly how far he would take this little game.
I went to the kitchen to grab some orange juice to take to the pool, I noticed Mark was already there.
"Oh, hey," I greeted Mark, surprised. I was wearing a shawl draped over a bikini, having fully embraced the overheated-summer lifestyle, and I was distinctly aware of how exposed I was at that moment. He turned around, a beer in hand, and let his eyes sweep down and over me.
"I didn’t realize you and Donna were around," I remarked, cocking my head at him, letting my hair trail down over the bare skin of my shoulder.
"Donna’s not here," he replied. "She went out to grab some more beer."
"Just us then, huh?" A small smile flicked up the corners of his lips.
"Just us."
"How about you get me one of those beers?” I suggested, nodding to the one in his hand.
"This is the last one."
"Then I guess you’re just going to have to share," I replied, and reached over and took it from him. My mouth glided over the top. I took a long sip of the delicious amber liquid then handed it back to him. A little punch of victory went through me as I noticed the look on his face. His lips were slightly parted, as though he could hardly believe what I had just done, and I knew my boldness was getting to him.
It was easy to play this part when it came to being around a man--they projected onto you what they wanted to believe. All you had to do was stick it out and not get in the way of the fantasy they had created inside their heads. I could tell Mark wanted me, badly, but he had no clue how to speak that into existence. To him, I was some dirty, playful, untouchable bisexual girl who had done more with women than he could even imagine. That was going to make what came next pretty easy to achieve.
"Here, come with me," I told him. I nodded to the pool. "I think I need to cool off, don’t you?”
"Sure," he replied.
I sashayed outside and let my shawl drop to the ground. I slipped easily beneath the water, letting it rush over me and fill my mouth then swam to the other side of the pool till I could prop myself up on the edge. I looked over my shoulder and saw him watching me.
"You want to come in?” I asked. "The water’s perfect."
He took no more persuasion than that--he tossed off his shirt and dived beneath the water. I watched his muscles rippled as he cut through the water toward me. I couldn’t help but bite my lip. He was just so ... so delicious. I could already imagine what it would be like to touch him, caress him, slide my hands all over him. And knowing that he belonged to another woman just made it all the sweeter. I loved Donna, I did, but I was also mad at her for what she had done with my stepdad. I figured a little revenge wouldn’t have gone far amiss.
"So beautiful in here, isn’t it?” I asked as he moved toward me. I leaned up on the edge of the pool, slowly kicking my legs back and forth, keeping myself afloat. I saw his eyes flick down to my feet beneath the shimmering waves of the water. The sun was beating down on me but the heat I was getting off him was all that I needed.
"It really is," he replied, as he joined me against the edge of the pool.
"This was the first place we met, right?” I asked, deciding it was the time to bring up the eroticism of the very first time we had ever encountered each other.
He nodded. "Right when you got back from seeing that girl.”
"Yeah, I think about her a lot," I replied with a long sigh.
"You miss being with women?" he asked, and I could tell from the tone of his voice that he wanted me to elaborate as much as possible. I grinned to myself. Men were so easy, that was what I couldn’t get over. You just made one small hint toward something they found sexy and suddenly you were the most singularly desirable creature they had ever known.
"Not as much as I missed being with men when I was with her," I replied, sensing a chance to turn this around and get what I wanted out of him.
"But I’ll bet you’ve been with a few since you got back," he remarked.
I pushed my damp hair out of my face and shook my head, pouting slightly. "I haven’t. I know, I know, I should have put myself back out there, but I just … I want to find someone who really appreciates me, you know?”
"You get a lot of fuck-boys trying to get with you?” he asked.
I fluttered my lashes at him. "I guess so," I replied, playing as though I was fighting off hordes of men who just couldn’t keep their dirty paws off me. No need for him to know the truth--that I hadn’t been able to find a man to fuck me who wasn’t utterly put off by the thought of getting with a girl who had never been taken by anyone before.
"But you haven’t found anyone yet?" he pressed.
I sighed and shook my head. "Nobody," I replied and closed in on him, trying to seal the deal. "I just want someone who knows what they’re doing, you know? Someone who finds me sexy. Who wants me for me specifically."
I let my foot trail out and drag over his leg. I could see his whole body tense at my touch. Yes. I was going to get what I wanted from this man. I could tell he was already on the brink of handing it over to me.
"You know what I mean?” I finished.
His eyes burned into me from a few feet away. He moved toward me quickly and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me hard and deep. His tongue was in my mouth, and I arched my back to press myself against him. Oh, my, he was getting hard. I could feel his impressive cock pressing into my hip, and I smiled into the kiss. I was finally going to get what I wanted, what I had needed after so long.
He pinned me to the wall of the pool and kissed me hard, his teeth catching on my skin. He was rough with me but I liked that--as though he couldn’t believe that he had been waiting this long to get what he wanted so badly from me. I moaned softly and he sank his fingers roughly into my hips, pulling me in c
lose, making sure that I couldn’t get away from him.
"Fuck me, Mark," I breathed in his ear. I didn’t have any time to waste. I had no clue how long it would be before Donna got home and I had no intention of letting her get in the way of what we were doing.
Though, of course, in the heat of the moment, there was some twisted-up part of me that wanted her to catch us in the act. She had been so brazen with my stepfather; I didn’t see why I should bother holding back when it came to a man she wanted. A man who had committed to her. He obviously didn’t take it very seriously, though, given the way that he was pushing his hands down my bikini bottoms already like he could hardly wait to feel me.
He pushed me back on to the edge of the pool and pulled me out of the water, scrambling on top of me. His fingers were a little clumsy against my clit but I didn’t mind. I didn’t want him to make me come. I wanted him to fuck me. I just needed one part of him and one part of him alone, and as soon as he gave that to me ...
I reached down to caress his impressive erection through his underwear. He was so thick, so long, and I could see just what had attracted Donna to him in the first place. It certainly wasn’t his impressive guile or street-smarts. He rolled down his wet clothes and tossed them aside, suddenly and gloriously naked on top of me. I moaned and spread my legs, the hot sun beating down on my skin. I was so ready for this. I needed this, more than I had needed anything before in my life. He took himself in his hand and pressed his tip against my entrance, and I let my head fall back as he slowly moved himself inside of me.
"What the fuck?”
As soon as I heard Donna’s voice, the fantasy I allowed myself dropped away.
He sprang away from me like I had been set on fire, practically launching himself to the other side of the pool. He was so flustered, but all I could think about was how painfully close I had been to finally getting what I had wanted, only to have it snatched from me when I’d needed it the most.
I pulled up my bikini and got to my feet. Donna was standing there with a beer in her hand, her jaw hanging open, total shock written all over her face. Mark was scrambling over to her.
"Baby, it’s not what it looks like--" he tried to soothe her, but she wasn’t paying an ounce of attention to him. No, all of that had been reserved for me. She was glaring at me like she wanted me to combust into flames right there before her, and I simply flipped myself right side up and looked at her. I had nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing that she didn’t have to be ashamed of too, right?
"I think it’s just what it looks like," she replied quietly, and made her way over to me, not pulling her eyes from mine. "I think Cindy here has become nothing more than some desperate slut who’ll fuck anything that moves."
My heart dropped. The use of that word … it did something to me--sent a jolt through my system that deadened all the excitement that had been stirring inside.
"And she needs to get out of here before I call the cops on her for trespassing on my property," she replied.
This time, it was my jaw that hit the floor.
"What are you talking about?” I demanded. "You’re kidding, right?”
"I’m not kidding," she told me, her eyes dark with fury. "You really think you can just come in here and act like Miss Thing just because you’ve suddenly discovered you’ve got a pussy between your legs?"
"You’re kicking me out?” I asked, shocked at what she was telling me. She nodded, and I knew she was leaving no room for debate in the matter.
"You better make it out of here pretty swiftly," she warned me. "Or I’m going to make sure that everyone knows what you tried to do, okay? And I’m going to let everybody know that this is just the tip of the iceberg of all the slutting around you’ve been doing."
She crossed her arms over her chest. I didn’t even know what I could say to her. I wanted to point out the sheer hypocrisy in what she was saying to me, demanding to know how she could dare act like I was the one doing something wrong when she had been the girl to hook up with a married man right here in her own house when she had a boyfriend, no less! She had been the one to take me out on the town for the first time and show me how to flirt and make out and tempt men in with my charms.
But I knew none of that was going to work. I didn’t have a chance in hell. The way she was looking at me left no room at all for debate on the matter. I grabbed my sarong and draped myself in it quickly. She was holding the beer she had gone out to fetch, and the bottles were glistening in the morning sunlight. Mark was standing there, positioned between us, not knowing whether to defend me or go to his girlfriend. Well, if he was going to be that pathetic, she deserved him. He was a cheat, anyway--I hadn’t exactly had to strain hard to get him to give me what I wanted, and he had been all too eager to just go ahead and fuck me raw right here on the side of the pool. He wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer before he gave in and did cheat on her, even if it wasn’t with me. She must have known that. And that’s why she was kicking me out. Because she couldn’t stand the thought of having someone around who could see through the cracks in her relationship so easily. Someone who was the basis of those cracks herself.
"You need to get out of here," Donna warned me, and I cocked an eyebrow at her. I was playing confident, even though I felt like my knees were on the brink of trembling out right from underneath me.
"Oh, yeah? And what are you going to tell everyone?” I asked her. "You going to tell them you kicked me out because your boyfriend couldn’t keep his hands off me?”
"I’m going to tell them," she replied, taking a step toward me and running her tongue over her lips, "that I kicked you out because you’re a slut. And I don’t want a slut living under my roof."
I knew there was no room for debate in her voice. I knew there was no chance of me convincing her to see me any other way. That was who I was to her now--that was the name she had given me, her voice pulsing around and around inside my head until I couldn’t hear anything else. Slut, slut, slut, slut.
And it was with that word beating in my ears that I turned on my heel to head to my room and pack up my stuff. I had to get out of here. Once and for all. I felt the tears prick my eyes, but I wouldn’t let her or anyone else see them. I had to be strong. Even though it felt like the words she had just spoken to me had pierced vicious holes in my very being.
Chapter 11
Pick yourself up
I lay back on the hotel bed and stared at the ceiling blankly. I would have closed my eyes and tried to catch some rest, but the truth was, every time I tried to switch my brain off, I found the words Donna had dripped in my ear filling my head once more. I couldn’t focus on anything or anyone else.
She had called me a slut. And maybe, if I hadn’t been caught in the process of trying to fuck her boyfriend, that wouldn’t have bothered me quite so much. Perhaps I could have brushed it off and acted like I didn’t care one little bit. But her words had cut me down to my very core. I didn’t know that I could brush them off just like that.
That word still had such power over me. Such control. It laid its hands around my neck and choked me, filling me until that’s all that I was. I knew Donna hadn’t meant those words to wound me the way they had--she had been angry, and rightly so, lashing out after catching me in the act--but I couldn’t stop thinking about them. Thinking about the fact that I thought she probably had a point.
I hated that I was letting myself get to this point in my head once more. I had been doing so well putting distance between myself and those words, between myself and the useless power they had over me. I had done so much in the last few weeks, discovering so much about myself. I felt like I was in the very process of reeling back on the lot of it even as I lay there. All because of that one word. Slut, slut, slut.
I peeled myself off the bed to root through the minibar again. I’d already had a good go at it earlier in the day, but the tiny bottles were hardly enough to get me tipsy. Nothing was taking the edge off the way I was feeling, and being stuck in
this shitty hotel room wasn’t exactly helping.
My mom had given me an emergency credit card for when I needed it, and I had used what little was on it to get somewhere to stay after Donna had kicked me out. As I made my way around the house, I had waited for her to back down and tell me she was only kidding and that, of course, she wasn’t about to kick me to the curb--whether I had fooled around with her boyfriend or not. But she stood there, watching me pack up my stuff, her mouth set into a hard line following me this way and that to make sure I was really getting out.
Mark didn’t say a word, the coward, even though he must have known this was more his doing than it was mine. Donna just didn’t have the nerve to kick him out.
To say that I had been going through some kind of crisis since then would have been something of an understatement. I felt totally and utterly lost. I thought I had been in control of all of this, keeping a tight grip on what mattered. The truth was, I hadn’t been able to keep my head in the game. Now I was paying for it. I had done something stupid, really stupid, and I didn’t have the skills like Donna did to keep things from getting out of hand. And, to top it all off, I hadn’t even lost my virginity to a guy the way I wanted.
I felt like I was losing my mind. How could I be so far removed from the person I had been just a couple of months ago? A mere matter of weeks had passed since I’d been dressed in long skirts and keeping my eyes on the ground when men came into the room for fear of giving them the wrong idea. That’s just how I thought I would always be. How could I let go of that? It was the way I was built, the woman I had been and always would be, at least until I met the man I was going to marry.
But now I was a slut. A bisexual slut who had spent a few days fucking a woman. Who had tried to tempt a man into cheating on his girlfriend. Who would have succeeded if I’d had just a little more time. I didn’t know myself anymore. I was so distant from the person I had believed I was.
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