Sometimes, when I found myself particularly lonely, hurt by everyone I had driven away from me, I wondered if it would have been better if I had gotten that clitoris numbing surgery. The one my mother had sent me here to reconsider. None of this would have happened if I had just found someone who could give it to me. I wouldn’t have hurt Donna, I wouldn’t have come down here, Donna wouldn’t have had the chance to hook up with my stepfather. Everything would have stayed just as it had been before, the way it was meant to be.
I couldn’t help but blame my sexuality for all of this. I hated that it had lived inside me all this time and I had just allowed it to hang out there, not bothering to get it in hand or shut it down or take care of it. If I hadn’t bottled it up for so long, maybe I would have been able to unleash it in a way that didn’t destroy everything around me. But as it was, the sheer power of all of this had been … well, it had been way too much. Now I had nobody to blame but myself for how lonely and hopeless I felt.
I could have gone home, but I knew then that I would have had to explain myself and why I had ended up alone. I didn’t even know if my family realized I had been kicked out of the house. I doubted Thom would be in any hurry to let them know, especially after what the two of us had very nearly done together. Goodness only knew what Donna would make of it if she found out her boyfriend hadn’t been the first man in her life I’d gone after.
I had headed down to the hotel bar a couple of times in the hopes of flirting my way out of the hole I was in, but every time a man showed me any kind of interest, I found myself feeling dirty again. I couldn’t believe that I just let this happen. I had allowed the pure physical pleasure to take control of me, and it landed me here--all alone, with nothing to my name but this room and a past studded with different partners and yet frustratingly sparse on them all at the same time. When I flirted with these cheesy guys at the bar, it was because I thought I should, not because I wanted to. I thought I needed to keep my sexuality ticking over or else it would go away again, but it didn’t feel the same as it had before. It didn’t feel good.
And it was sitting there, going through the minibar in my hotel room, when it hit me. It was because I was doing it out of obligation. I wasn’t letting the zing of attraction draw me to the men I truly wanted. I was taking any man; any man who would even glance at me, and hoping he could make me feel the way I had before. That he could make me feel alive like I had done before I had been kicked out.
But that wasn’t going to happen as long as I kept just hoping random men would be enough to do it for me. I had to take control. I had to claim my own place in this crazy mess I called sex. I didn’t even know where to start looking, but it wasn’t at hotel bars. It was within myself. That might have sounded cheesy, but it was true.
I got to my feet again, and I looked at myself in the mirror. I had been letting myself go, not bothering with pulling myself together because I didn’t think there was any reason to. My hair was messy and my skin looked tired and drab, far from my best. I had let myself go, and for what? For the want of someone to pay attention to me? I didn’t need anyone else to make me feel like I was worth it, that had to come from inside me and nobody else.
I went to the bag I had crammed full of stuff when I left the house a couple of days before. I had just grabbed everything I could without caring about what it was. I didn’t need a lot, just clothes and toiletries, but I hadn’t bothered cracking into the bag since I’d arrived. I hadn’t seen a need to. I had failed to see what the point was when I didn’t have anyone there to desire me for the effort I had put in.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was so much more to my sexuality than just what other people saw. All those moments when I had allowed myself to live purely in the moment, I hadn’t given a damn that I looked rough. It had been about how it made me feel. When I’d woken up next to Cara, I hadn’t been wearing make-up or a cute outfit, but when she had touched me none of that had mattered.
I went to the shower and cleaned myself off. My hands ran over my body with the water. I had forgotten how good it felt to touch myself; not doing it for anyone but me. This was what it had been about--learning myself. Not making myself for someone else. No, I had done this as a way to truly find who I was. I had spent plenty of time across the years trying to fit myself into the molds other people made for me, that my father had made for me, and I was exhausted trying to fight the person I really was. I couldn’t keep her in any longer. I didn’t care what people thought of me, what Donna thought of me. So, I was a slut? So, I was a slut. I was going to embrace that. I was going to wrap that into my identity. It was just a part of me, a part of me I had tried to ignore for so long.
I dressed slowly, standing in front of the mirror. My body looked different. Or maybe it was just that I had never allowed myself to truly take myself in before. I looked good. I had curves, I had the body of a woman, a real woman. If I had sex with a man or a woman or a bunch of them, this was mine, and I was going to own it the way I had never allowed myself before.
I slipped into the same dress I had worn the very first time I’d gone out there. I felt different than I had before, looser, more open. I wasn’t walking in there as this girl who hadn’t ever had sex with a man before. I was walking in there as a girl who knew herself, owned herself. My body was mine and what I decided to do with it was my choice and my choice alone. Nobody was going to change that. Not their words, their actions, nothing.
At the bar, I glanced around to make sure Donna wasn’t there. The last thing I wanted was to have to confront her again after what had happened. I doubted she would be heading out after what had happened. She was probably keeping her man under wraps so nobody could get close to him. I wondered if he had any clue what she had been up to with all those random men. Maybe he was fine with it. Or maybe they were threshing out their differences right now in my absence. I didn’t much care either way. She could do what she wanted. I was happier without them. I wasn’t going to be tied down to anyone, not with fidelity or guilt or anything else.
I had barely sat down when a man approached me and offered to buy me a drink. It was a huge uptick compared to what had been happening before. It must have been my desperation coming off me in waves, but I had a handle on that now, better than I ever had before. Whatever happened tonight would happen and I didn’t care how or who or ...
That’s when I saw him.
Chapter 12
Two is better than one
Jason’s eyes were on me, pinned to me like he couldn’t imagine dragging them away if he tried. My skin prickled and I shifted back and forth in my seat, smiling to myself. The man who had brought me the drink was trying to engage me in conversation, but I could barely hear a word coming out of his mouth. Everything in my body was on fire with desire as I looked at him; this man who had been the first of so many things. It almost seemed perfect that he would be here, on this night of all nights, when I was looking to let go of a part of me that had been following me about for way too long.
"Will you give me a second?” I asked the man sweetly, smiling at him. "There’s a friend here I want to speak to."
"Yeah, sure," the guy replied, but he didn’t seem happy about it. I took the fancy craft beer he had purchased for me and headed over to speak to Jason. I flushed a little when I remembered that the last time I had seen him had been when his cock was in my mouth. I could tell from the look on his face that he was thinking about the same thing. Cara and I had worked him so well together.
"Well, hello," he greeted me. "I must say, I didn’t expect to run into you here."
"You didn’t?” I replied.
He grinned. "Guess you rumbled me," he confessed. "I was hoping I might see you here tonight."
"You back in town?” I asked.
He nodded. "I’m visiting a friend," he explained. "He’s got an apartment near here, I thought this might be a good chance to run into you again."
"Well, I don’t have Cara with me th
is time," I warned him. "So, if you’re looking for that ..."
"I’m looking for you," he replied, and his eyes burned with sincerity.
I practically swooned. Was there anything more powerful than being wanted by someone? It always felt like someone was shooting fire through my veins. I could see how someone could get addicted to this kind of feeling, find themselves coming back for more, again and again. Even when they knew it was dangerous.
"So, you and your friend ...”
"Why don’t I introduce you to him?" he suggested and glanced around to look at a man approaching from the bar.
My heart jolted when I saw him coming toward us. He was tall, bald, and bearded. Handsome as hell. His eyes were pale blue and striking. They seemed to go straight through me as I stood in front of him.
He extended his hand to me and smiled as he got close. "You must be ...”
"This is Cindy," Jason introduced me proudly.
I took the man’s hand. He knew who I was? So, Jason had been talking about me ...
"I’m Ian," he replied and got comfortable in his seat picking up the wine he had been working on.e
"How did you meet?” I asked, forgetting entirely that I had been talking to someone else just a few moments before.
"We went to college together," Jason replied and glanced over at Ian with a nostalgic grin. "We had a good time, didn’t we?”
"Bit too much of a good time sometimes," he replied and chuckled.
My heart picked up the pace inside my chest. This was intriguing, to say the least. Both of these men were gazing at me with interest like they couldn’t imagine getting enough of me. And I had to admit, it was pretty hot. I wondered just how much Jason had told him about me, about what I had done.
"No such thing," Jason replied. "We were just taking advantage of our youth, right?”
"Don’t say that, you’ll remind me I’m not that young anymore," Ian protested. The two of them had a comfortable chemistry, their banter flowing with ease like it was well-practiced. I felt myself starting to relax, too--it was easier to let go and have a good time when I knew they were in a good place with one another. Even if I had no idea who I was actually planning on focusing all my attention on.
"So, you lived here long?” I asked Ian, turning my attention to him. I noticed his eyes flick down over my body for the briefest second, and I couldn’t help but smile. He liked what he saw, and I felt the same way. I wasn’t sure if I should push to take things a little further, or if I should just settle on Jason the way I had intended when I had seen him across the bar.
"Yeah, a couple of years," he replied. "I used to live on the coast, but there’s something about this place, you know?”
"Like the women," Jason cut in, and I felt his hand shift to my knee beneath the table. I glanced over at him and shared this brief, secret smile. He knew just what he was doing to me, and he liked it.
"So I’ve heard, but I don’t get out enough to be able to tell," Ian remarked.
"Ian just split with his girlfriend," Jason explained, squeezing my leg lightly. "That’s why I managed to get him out tonight."
"Yeah, it was this or another night in my apartment by myself and I didn’t feel like that was a good idea," he remarked.
I laughed. "Well, I’m glad you decided to come out here tonight," I replied, fluttering my eyelashes at him. "Otherwise, I would never have gotten a chance to meet you."
"Likewise," Ian agreed.
I felt Jason tighten his hand on my knee a little bit. I liked that. I could make him a little jealous, couldn’t I? There was nothing wrong with that. I just wanted to play with them both. They were just so … so deliciously tempting. I liked the way being around the both of them made me feel--powerful and elegant, wanted and womanly.
We talked a little about nothing in particular. I was flirting, giving them the attention I knew they craved and letting them feed it back to me in just the same way. Was there anything better in the world than this feeling? This was what I had been craving, more than anything, the intensity of being wanted the way they wanted me. The sex came second, though I enjoyed that, too. It was this, the heady delight of having men pursuing me.
And I could tell that the two of them were in high demand in this place. That made it more intense. A few girls slowed as they passed our table, looking over at one or the other and lonesome little me in between them, clearly wondering if there was a hope in hell of squeezing into this little group. I knew what they were thinking--there were one too many men around this table for me to deal with but I wasn’t sure about that yet. Besides, if both of them were happy with my company, then what was the issue?
"You know, I should probably be getting back to my place," Ian remarked after he’d finished his second glass of wine.
I sighed and cocked my head at him. "Sure I can’t tempt you to keep the night going a little longer?”
He grinned at me. "Who said that the night was over already?” he asked.
It took me a second to figure out he was inviting me back to his place, but as soon as it clicked into place, I grinned and looked over at Jason. "You mind?" I asked. "I could use another drink ..."
"Hey, I’m happy with it if you are," he replied, waving his hand as though urging me on. "I could do with another drink, too."
And with that, I left the bar with the two men. I wasn’t feeling drunk, but I was light and giggly like my feet were barely touching the ground. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I promised myself that I hadn’t expected a damn thing, as a result, the universe gifted me these delicious specimens to choose between.
We arrived at Ian’s fancy apartment, and I grinned as I took the place in.
"This really is amazing," I told him. It was modern and sleek, expensive-looking. The walls were decorated with minimalist art that probably cost more than my entire hotel room.
"He’s an art dealer," Jason told me, a little boastfully like he was proud of his friend and didn’t care who knew it. "He has the most amazing stuff here."
"Hey, not as amazing as the wine I’ve been keeping for a special occasion," Ian replied, cutting him off and keeping him from getting too effusive.
"Let me boast about you, all right?” Jason shot back. His arm was around my waist, his easy contact with me delightful and exciting in equal measure.
"I’m flattered that you think I’m worth a special bottle of wine," I replied.
Ian shot me a look as he moved behind the breakfast bar that separated his kitchen from the rest of the living space. "Well, if anything that Jason’s told me about you is true, then I figured you’d have to be.”
I felt that flutter in my chest again and glanced at Jason, eyebrows raised. Exactly what had they been saying about me?
Whatever it was, it was clear Ian liked what he’d heard, which I had to admit was something of a relief. After everything that had happened with Donna, it was nice to know that not everyone saw my dalliances as an excuse to shame me or treat me as though I was worth less in some profound way. Ian cracked the wine and handed me a glass. I took a sip. It was white and crisp and a little sour, I liked it at once.
"I don’t know much about wine so this is probably wasted on me," I confessed, as Ian led us all to a couch and an arrangement of chairs in the center of the room. A large window looked down over the street below--it was starting to fill up with people as they headed out to their parties and clubs and fun times. Well, as far as I was concerned, my fun time was right here, with these two men. That was all I gave a darn about.
"If you’re enjoying it, that’s good enough for me," Ian replied, and he touched his glass to my own.
Jason’s thumb skimmed over my waist, a little reminder that he was right there next to me. I was surprised he wasn’t more jealous, given how openly Ian seemed to be flirting with me. Maybe he liked seeing me wanted by someone else? Maybe it was something that made him feel desirable, knowing I had chosen him over the other options out there? Not that I had exactly gone as f
ar as to choose him outright.
I got to my feet and headed to the window. I looked out at the people outside. They were buzzing with energy and seemed to reflect the same attitude I had. This night could go anywhere and become anything, the very thought of it was thrilling.
I felt a pair of hands on my hips and looked at the reflection in the glass expecting to see Jason looking back at me. I was surprised, and more than a little taken aback, when I saw that it was Ian. I glanced around, my eyebrows raised.
"You don’t mind if I touch you, right?" he murmured.
I looked beyond him to Jason, who was eyeing us with obvious enjoyment. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the man behind me. "Not at all.”
I felt him lower down to my neck, and I gasped as soon as I felt his warm mouth on my skin. Could this be happening? I wasn’t totally sure I knew what was going on, but then, I remembered the first time I had ever gone past making out with Jason. It had been with Cara at my side; the two of us sharing him.
And it hit me.
That’s what these two wanted to do with me. They wanted to share me.
As soon as the realization ran through me, I knew it was what I wanted. More than anything. I practically moaned at the very thought of it.
Ian slipped his hands around my waist. He turned me around and kissed me properly, softly, on the mouth, tracing his tongue over my lips and tasting me the way I wanted him to. Behind me, Jason ran his hands over my waist, and the mix of their hands on me at once was more than I could take. I felt as though I was melting. And, above all else, I knew this was the night it was going to happen. This was the day I was finally going to lose my virginity.
"I think we should take you to the bedroom, huh?" Ian murmured.
I moaned in agreement. It was the only noise I could come out with. I felt like my words had escaped me, nothing else mattered but the feel of hands on me, arms around me. Skin and breath and lust all aimed in my direction.
Cindy Violated Page 10