11-11

by Doreen Serrano

  308

  Doreen

  Serrano

  “You were even a seductive child. You took the power and you used it against everyone’

  “What power?” she screamed again.

  He made her feel dirty and ashamed and his words contained no rhyme or reason.

  “I have no power,” she insisted.

  “You have all the power, bitch,” he growled in a different voice. “It’s time to put an end to this!’

  His tone was so deep that it didn’t sound human. She didn’t know what the words meant but she knew the rage behind them was very real.

  He reached his hand out to her and spoke as Billy again.

  “Come here, baby,” he grinned.

  She knew he was the bad guy but Heather still felt the same magnetic draw toward him she always had and she reached out for the hand that summoned her.

  “Heather!”

  It was her own voice that called out to her and it was loud and clear. She didn’t know if it came from within or from someplace outside of her but the one word warned her of the danger she refused to see.

  When he started moving to change position, her heart stopped beating altogether. She felt his hand fl atten across her stomach and wondered if he could feel her jerking nerves beneath his fi ngers.

  “What are you gonna do?” she asked, breathless and crying.

  309

  11:11

  “What do you think I’m gonna do?” he smirked.

  He moved his hand down further down her abdomen and his fi ngers shot heat through her abdomen.

  “Please stop,” Heather cried softly.

  The separation of body and soul was familiar to Heather. She was no stranger to taking off mentally when her body was in trouble.

  “Oh, no you don’t,” Billy said fi rmly and slapped her in the face.

  Heather’s eyes glazed over as she was pulled violently back into her body. Billy had no intention of letting her miss a moment of their time together His fi ngers on one hand crawled further down her skin and the fi ngers of the other outlined her pelvic bone with his blade. She reminded herself of the lessons that John and Sandra had taught her at the dream seminar and thought desperately of ways to get away from him.

  Heather reached down and curled her fi ngers into his hair. She pulled him up toward her face and distracted him with her eyes as she assessed her wiggle room beneath him. She stared into his eyes deeply and tried to talk to him on a different level. Heather had always been able to talk to people through her eyes when she was unable to fi nd the right words and Billy seemed to respond, just as he always had.

  The emotional dam suddenly broke and Heather started to laugh. She felt delirious and no longer felt the restraints that had always kept her in control.

  310

  Doreen

  Serrano

  Billy’s expression took on a look of surprise and Heather used the moment of vulnerability to act. She threw all of her weight to the left and let herself fall off the bed and onto the wooden fl oor. Before he had a chance to step on her, she rolled herself toward the closet doors.

  Billy started to laugh and it reignited her hatred.

  “Do you think that I can’t hurt you here in your dreams?” he asked.

  Billy untied his red bandana and rushed her without warning as he pulled the tattered cloth around her neck.

  He lifted her from the fl oor using the pressure on her neck to lift her and she heard gagging noises escape her throat.

  Billy loosened his grip and let her fall to the fl oor. He played with the homemade noose before her wide-eyed stare. Heather tried to keep her internal light shining but it was fading quickly.

  He bent over and wrapped the bandana around her neck again, tugging at it and forcing her into the closet.

  Heather envisioned Narnia and imagined them falling together in a world neither of them was prepared for.

  Instead, they slammed into clothing and hangers and all of the boxes from the top shelf tumbled down on them.

  Tears stung Heather’s eyes and the increasing pain in her back made everything blurry. She lost the advantage of sight and she could taste blood inside of her mouth.

  Billy grabbed a long chunk of her hair and dragged her back out of the closet with ease.

  “Free will was hard on all of us, you know.”

  311

  11:11

  Heather didn’t know where his statement came from or where he was going with it. All she knew was that she needed to get away from him or else her death would be in vain.

  “We need respite from all of the forces,” he continued.

  “We need a place of peace.”

  Heather wanted to pray but felt pretty certain her pleas wouldn’t reach God from the place of nothingness she was stuck in.

  Billy hated the world for some reason. It was all she could make of his statements so she looked for a response to buy herself time.

  “It’s not all bad!” she screamed. “We destroy ourselves with our own sins. It’s nobody else’s fault!’

  He laughed hysterically and kicked her in the ribs.

  Heather lost her breath and almost lost consciousness.

  She cursed John and Sandra for convincing her there was safety in her dreams.

  He poked his fi nger roughly into his own temple.

  “It didn’t work, Heather! He tried. He experimented.

  He failed. And now, we have to suffer for His mistakes over and over again and I just want it to stop!’

  “You want the world to end? Is that what you’re saying?” Heather was speechless and had no other response.

  “Man can’t even follow the seven basic rules,” he mumbled.

  “Seven rules?” she asked.

  312

  Doreen

  Serrano

  Heather instantly thought of the Ten Commandments when he spoke of the rules for humanity. He lost her when he said seven.

  “The seven basic sins,” he answered and raised his hands in question.

  She rolled back toward the closet and used the doorknob to pull herself into a sitting position. Heather knew there was nowhere to go and she didn’t want to waste her energy trying. A thought occurred to her and she laughed again.

  “The seven deadly sins?” she asked.

  Billy smiled.

  Despite the pain searing into her lungs from the boot to rib contact, Heather laughed.

  “The seven sins?” she asked again. She’d always thought they were man-made and now she was to believe they were direct orders from God. Her laughter continued and although it hurt, it still felt good.

  “Do you even know what they are?” Billy challenged.

  “Of course.” Heather stopped laughing and a weak smile was left on her face

  Her fear hadn’t diminished but at least it had company in the sense of humor that seized her.

  “Sex,” she answered without hesitation.

  It was the fi rst thing that came to her mind as she envisioned herself in bed with the monster in front of her.

  He laughed with her and the shared humor felt strange.

  313

  11:11

  “Lust,” he said.

  Billy plucked off his fi rst fi nger as the countdown of sins began. Heather closed her eyes and tried to remember them the best she could. She remembered the Brad Pitt movie where a fat guy lay dead in a plate of spaghetti and became excited.

  “Gluttony,” she said quickly.

  Billy held two fi ngers in the air. It felt as though a game had begun where the host was a madman and the contestant his victim. Heather thought about money and its impact on humanity and she shook with excitement as the answer unveiled itself.

  “Greed!” she yelled.

  Three fi ngers thrust themselves into the air but Billy didn’t say a word.

  Heather tried to think but nothing else came to her.

  She tried to remember nursery rhymes to water the seeds of her memory and she p
ictured two little girls; one with a happy smile and the other, a sad pout.

  “Envy!” she screamed.

  A fourth fi nger was added to Billy’s hand but he remained quiet.

  The memory of a bad choice passed through her.

  “Pride!” she yelled.

  “Very good,” he said, sounding sincerely impressed.

  His hand fi lled up and she smiled proudly.

  “Anger, wrath,” she said and she could hear the signifi cant behind her own words. It was a sin that had taken Heather to places she never asked to go.

  314

  Doreen

  Serrano

  Billy held up six fi ngers and looked at Heather with a puzzled expression.

  “That it?” he asked.

  The last sin was diffi cult and hard as she tried, she couldn’t remember what it was. Usually, when she forgot, Dr. Angel was there to help guide her through her own clouded memories. Heather thought about what he would say to her if he were in Hell with her. He would point out themes and he would try to help her push through the blurriness. They would discuss the doors she kept barricaded to keep herself out. She had put every pain, every mistake and every sin behind those doors. She had guarded them with fi erce protection so they would never crack open. Instead of dealing with what was behind the doors, Heather had adapted an attitude of apathy.

  “Sloth,” Heather fi nally said.

  She leaned back against the door as Billy held up seven fi ngers and smiled.

  “I guess you’re ready,” he said.

  Heather was about to ask what he meant when a hallway appeared with a red carpet covering the long fl oor.

  Heather thought of the Oscars and wondered what was happening. Slowly, awareness sunk in and she realized she was looking at the hallway of her own mind.

  The carpet was a deep red and the hallway had green doors on each side. All of the doors were protected with heavy locks. There were four on one side and three on the other, making seven doors in all.

  315

  11:11

  Heather knew what waited behind the doors and she got scared. It was time for her to face the truths and fears she had hid from herself for so long. She gave an involuntary shudder and turned back to look at Billy but he was gone. Heather knew he would pop up again and she wondered which door he was waiting behind.

  She didn’t want to walk but her legs made the decision for her. They moved her forward until she was standing in front of the fi rst door. Heather didn’t want to be alone and she almost wished Billy back. She would have preferred the presence of evil over the secrets and shame that awaited her.

  Heather reached out and placed her hand on the doorknob. She wondered if she could run back the way she had come but she stood her ground. Facing herself had always been her destiny so running was futile. Heather pushed the door inward and closed her eyes.

  316

  Doreen

  Serrano

  Chapter 25

  The Red

  Heather walked inside and was blanketed by darkness. She couldn’t see what awaited her and would have chosen to remain in the dark given the choice.

  She reached her hand inside only deep enough to fi nd a light switch. She spread her fi ngers across the surface and wished her arms were a little longer.

  “Go-Go Gadget Arms,” she whispered.

  Her fi ngers fi nally touched a switch and she fl icked it upward as she held her breath. Light fi lled the room, igniting every corner except for one. Heather knew that whatever awaited her waited in the corner.

  A sofa sat in the middle of the room. It looked familiar but she couldn’t identify it. She started to walk toward the couch but stopped abruptly when she heard a door opening from the dark corner. Heather was shocked to see her mother step through the blackness and her heartbeat took another break

  Despite the tears that ran down her cheeks, Laurie looked beautiful, as always. She was so pretty that Heather 317

  11:11

  fi lled with pride whenever her mother came to her school.

  Her long blonde hair and striking features grabbed the attention of all the girls and boys in the classroom and Heather felt a sense of validation whenever she introduced Laurie as her mom.

  Heather would have been happier to see her if were not for the tears and the fact that Laurie was oblivious to her daughter’s presence. Her mother brushed past her and headed for the lonely couch. Heather took comfort in Laurie’s perfume and in her strong presence and she longed to just be safe in her mother’s arms.

  She wanted to embrace the woman who had given her so much more than life. She wanted to hug her tightly and extract the identity of the person who had hurt her.

  Heather tried to walk but realized she couldn’t take another step. As she tried to propel her body forward, a telephone rang from a small table beside the sofa.

  Heather wondered if she was the only one who heard ringing but realized that both of their worlds were privy to the incoming call when Laurie lifted the receiver

  “Hello?” asked her mother; the pain in her voice diffi cult to listen to.

  Heather stood frozen she listened to her own voice pouring angrily out of a speaker system she couldn’t see. Her tone was loud and sarcastic and Heather felt the shame begin in her stomach.

  “Do you think you have a right to talk to me about mothering?”

  318

  Doreen

  Serrano

  She heard the question she had asked her mother years before and remembered the argument. It had been a terrible one and Heather couldn’t believe she’d ever spoken this way to her mother. Reliving the moment from third person wasn’t nearly as satisfying as it had been in fi rst person. The guilt was contagious and beginning to affect every inch of her.

  Heather watched her mother brush away a new tear and wanted desperately to go to her but she didn’t have the power to move forward. She was unsure why she’d been stricken immobile but had a feeling she knew which room she was in. The rage simmering inside told her that her own wrath was about to unfold before her.

  “Heather,” Laurie choked out between tears. “I can’t believe the things you say to me. If I ever talked to my mother like this . . .”

  “Oh, you’re such a martyr, aren’t you, Mom?” Heather heard herself yell.

  She cringed when she heard her already high-pitched tone climbing even higher. Her voice sounded patronizing and syrupy and mean and Heather seriously considered putting her hands over her ears to block out anymore of it.

  “You’re so self-sacrifi cing, I know,” the past Heather continued.

  Present Heather was disgusted with the past one and she became frustrated by her inability to smack herself in the face.

  319

  11:11

  It was like watching a movie and trying to guide the lost star to a safe end. She silently rooted her mother on while she easily accepted herself as the bad guy. She didn’t know how she was supposed to resolve anything if she couldn’t move. She was trying to reach her sins but something was stopping her.

  “We should all remember what a saint you really are, shouldn’t we?” Her past voice was snarling.

  Heather wanted to go to her mother to wipe the tears away and apologize. She wanted to tell her mother how sorry she was for having been so bad to her. She wanted to repent for all the times she had snuck out her window and whispered vows of hate and screamed hateful things at her. She wanted to scream a million apologies but still, she was forced to stay in one spot.

  Heather wanted to tell her mom she didn’t know why she had blamed her for so many things beyond one woman’s control. She wanted to tell her she knew how protective she had always been and that sometimes bad things just happen. She wanted to tell her she was all right, that she had found her way through the anger and had made it to the other side. She wanted to tell her mom it wasn’t her fault. Mostly, she just wanted to tell her mother she loved her.

  Heather had succumbed too many times
to the anger and vengeance that taunted her. She had learned with Dr.

  Angel that revenge only allowed her to have company in her suffering. It didn’t take away the pain. Anger had stolen her energy and her dignity. It visited unannounced and 320

  Doreen

  Serrano

  stayed well after it had worn out its welcome. Heather’s wrath was one of her greatest sins and she knew she had to just surrender it back to the universe.

  Her legs moved. She pushed forward and understood the lesson. Her rage had prevented her from moving forward in her life too. It served as an barrier between Heather and everyone she’d ever loved.

  She walked slowly. She tried to walk fast but it felt like she were pushing her way through water. It didn’t stop her from trying. She was closer to Laurie and she reached out to try to touch her.

  “Mom!” she yelled. Her voice wasn’t as loud as she had wanted it to be and the volume was beyond her control. She was surprised that her mother heard her.

  Laurie approached Heather and brushed tears away.

  Heather knew how much her mother loved her. She only wish Laurie knew how much she loved her back; how much she admired the person she was and how proud she was of everything she had achieved.

  Laurie had been a good mother and Heather never let the poor woman make a mistake without broadcasting it back to her for many years. As Heather aged and learned to be a mother to her own teenager, she began to realize so many things. Among them was that her mother was more patient, more creative and more loving than any mother she had ever met.

  Heather needed to fi nd out where her perpetual anger came from so she crossed the room to take her mother’s hand. She wanted for them to do it together.

  321

  11:11

  When tears fell from her eyes, Heather didn’t wipe them away. She felt she owed it to Laurie to allow a shared cry.

  “I’m so sorry, Mom,” she whispered into Laurie’s blonde hair.

  Laurie tightened the squeeze and when it ended, both looked at the staircase that had appeared in the corner. They walked slowly toward it and climbed the steps together, their hands clasped tightly. Heather drew courage from her mother’s touch.

  A new wave of fear washed over Heather with each step they took. She thought about lions, and tigers and bears and wondered what kind of animal waited for them at the top. She felt a difference with each step and realized when she reached the top that she had lost a year on every stair. By the end, Heather was fi ve years old again.