Chapter 20
“It’s a bandaid,” I said with my finger over the icon. “With no way to pull it off slowly.” Just when I’d decided I’d read them tomorrow, my finger touched the screen, opening this messages. He was going to know I got them. I might as well actually read them.
DW: Party is going… Here’s a rundown of the evening, so far: Right after I texted you I helped a very drunk friend avoid his terrible girlfriend. He’s sleeping off his alcohol overdose at my place. A girl helped me get him there.
I kissed the girl, and I liked it. And I’m sorry, and I did it for the worst reasons and now I feel like an absolute asshole, which is a significant upgrade from just my normal asshole self, so I’m feeling pretty bad about that right now.
The girlfriend of the drunk friend threatened to rape me. The girl told her to back off. Rapey chick then stole drunk friends car and took off.
Some idiots gave their friend a mysterious brownie they thought was just pot, but was actually pot and X and probably some other stuff too. Their friend didn’t react well. One of the idiots is the girls cousin. The girl they roofied, is also her cousin.
Drove idiot friends home in the girls car so they could be stoned somewhere else and stop freaking out the roofie-stoned girl.
Stole and ate a bag of baby carrots I found in the girls car. Healthiest dinner I’ve had in ages, LOL.
Now I’m back at the party keeping an eye on the mollyed girl and her boyfriend, and the girl who is seriously on edge. I overheard her on the phone telling somebody, I think it was her aunt, she didn’t want to go to school anymore. And that was before rape girl and the stoners.
My current plan is to just stay put and hopefully avoid any more drama than what I’ve already got myself wrapped up in.
I’ve been running the scenarios of what if’s, but some of it was unavoidable, but not all of it. Not the parts I regret most.
I never should have kissed her.
Ouch. Even knowing it was coming, it still hurt.
DW: I haven’t even told you the worst part. Remember the girl who was crushing on me, the girl my friend took advantage of, the one who threatened to pepper spray me that I messed up apologizing to every time I tried to apologize?
Same girl.
Same girl I kissed, same girl whose carrots I stole — and ate, same girl who is pacing near the door, freaking out over her drugged up cousin, same girl who wants to drop out of high school at 16. BTW, she said this after I kissed her and before all the other crap that’s happened tonight, so it’s pretty safe to say that’s on me.
I know this girl is into me. And don’t get me wrong, she’s kind of amazing, but she’s just not for me. I know you’re gonna ask why, so I’ll just tell you. There’s lots of reasons, but let’s sum it up with she’s too young. Huge deal breaker. She’s really smart and we’re in a lot of the same AP classes, so it’s easy to forget that she’s a sophomore and I’m a senior. And maybe a 2 year age gap isn’t that big of a deal, but I turn 18 soon, so there’s legal stuff to consider. Not that I’d ever do anything like that. I’m just saying, even kissing her made me feel like a perv for taking advantage of a kid with a crush. I guess I’ve just always had a thing for older girls.
I wish we could just be friends, she says it’s what she wants, but I’m not sure I believe her. It’s kind of like, her words say one thing but everything else about her is saying something else. It’s pretty safe to say I’ll probably never see her again after graduation, I even told her this, she brushed it off, like it was no big deal, like it wasn’t reality. Like her hopes are so high she doesn’t believe me when I tell her graduation means goodbye.
And I haven’t even gotten to the worst of it — why I kissed her.
This is one of the hardest confessions I’ve ever had to make.
I kissed her because she reminds me of you.
In her mind, she was kissing me, her crush. But my thoughts were with you. And that makes me feel like I’m the worst person in the world right now.
And since I’ve come this far, I might as well take it the rest of the way.
I’ve fallen in love with you, Kat. And how could I not? You’re the most amazing, caring, compassionate, encouraging, forgiving, open-minded person I’ve ever known. And you’re gorgeous and strong and talented too. I keep waiting to find the thing that makes you not as perfect as I think you are — I’m still waiting. If there’s something there, I’m not seeing it.
Who knew irony could cause physical pain. I had to stop reading there, as my vision blurred through my tears. It was hard to care that he kissed me thinking of me — even if it was confusing and weird. And I guess it was nice that he wanted to be friends, but it was just more confirmation that if he knew who I really was, our relationship would be over. And maybe that was for the best because right now, it just felt like a whole lotta heartache for no good reason.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to read his last text, and I had no idea how to respond to any of it except to confess everything, obliterating our friendship and making the rest of the school year beyond awkward.
DW: I know I said I was glad we didn’t meet that day at my school, and I wanted that to be true — but only because I’m such a fuck up and I have myself fairly well convinced that if we ever actually met, it’d become painfully clear that you could never be interested in a dumbass kid like me.
If you never want to talk to me after reading all this, I understand.
He didn’t understand anything. And at this point I was crying so hard I was afraid I might wake up Kimber. So I did my best to stifle my tears as I zipped on a pair of boots, slipped into an oversized sweater, grabbed my coat, and my keys, and headed for the door.
“Where ya headed?” Aunt Josie asked as I hit the landing at the bottom of the stairs.
I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Holy shit balls, you scared the crap out of me!” I clutched my chest. “Sorry. I thought you were asleep.”
“I thought I heard crying.”
“Sorry again,” I sighed. “That was me.”
“What’s going on?”
“I…” I stammered. Did I really want to talk to Aunt Josie about this? No. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone about it, but Julian was my go to. “It’s just been kind of a crappy day,” I shrugged. “You know. High school,” I pushed a laugh, it didn’t make it very far. “Uhm… so I was just gonna go crash at Julian’s and whine to him about it.”
“You can always talk to me, you know. What do you say we give Julian the night off just this once? You and I can sit in the kitchen and talk, drink tea, have a snack. Is peanut butter and apples still your favorite?”
“I…” I started, trying to find the best words to say, ‘thanks, but no thanks.’
“Please?” Aunt Josie set her hand on my arm. “Last time I let somebody I loved leave the house in tears I regretted it. For a really long time. Until she showed up more than a year later with a baby. And I promised myself I’d never let that happen again.”
“Okay,” I relented, hanging my coat over the bannister. I was still going to Julian’s when we were done talking. “Did Kayley tell you she was sleeping over at a friends?”
Aunt Josie rolled her eyes as she directed me to the kitchen. “Let me see if I can remember her text exactly, ‘I’m sleeping at Ambree’s. Dominic gave us a ride. This is Claire. We’re really sorry about Kimber. She’s fine. She’s with Katie.’ And when I asked who Dominic was the reply said, ‘He’s Katie’s DD boyfriend who ate all her carrots. All of them. Who eats a whole bag of carrots? Dominic, that’s who.’” She rolled her eyes as she let out a sigh. “So I’m either way out of the loop on both slang and your life, or Kayley and her friends are high.”
I wished I could force a laugh but I couldn’t even muster a quick bit of air through my nose. I planted myself on a kitchen stool while Aunt Josie went about making tea.
“Can I take your silence to mean I should probably have a ‘why drugs aren’t a good idea’ t
alk with Kayley?”
“Please don’t make me a snitch, not after the night I’ve had. I will say this, Dominic’s not my boyfriend, He’s just a guy who gave them a ride to Ambree’s, in my car, where I left the bag of carrots I took to the party. I couldn’t give them a ride because I was uh… doing stuff with Kimber.”
“DD?”
“I’m pretty sure the double D is for designated driver.”
Aunt Josie’s brow furrowed. “Is Kimber okay?”
“Yeah. But if she remembers anything, she’s gonna have some regrets. Nothing life altering, just really, really, really embarrassing. And none of it was her fault.”
“Oh? Then whose fault was it?”
“You should talk to Kimber and Kayley about that. I was helping Dominic hide a drunk guy from his rapey girlfriend when they were doing… whatever.”
Josie let out another low sigh. “Yeah, you have had quite a night. But you’re tough, Kat, you always have been. What’s got you so upset, is it a guy?”
“Ugh,” I put my forehead on the counter. “It’s so lame.”
“Yeah, I know. But it happens. Let me help. Twenty years with the same guy isn’t really a big let on, but before Tate, well, let’s just say I wasn’t unfamiliar with heartache.”
“There’s this guy I like, and I don’t really know how that happened, and he’s kind of amazing and he’s kind of an idiot. And it’s just complicated, but that’s not even the big thing.” I took a breath, lifted my head and covered my face with my hands. “What if I’m like my mom. What if I fall for the wrong guy, who I think is amazing, but he’s really just a jerk?”
“First of all, I’m pretty sure falling for the wrong person is just a normal part of dating.” Josie grabbed the kettle from the stove just as the whistle from the kettle began to rise, and poured water into two mugs with waiting teabags. “Second, and most important: you’re going to make mistakes, Kat, and it’s going to be okay. It’s part of how we learn. How we figure out who we are and what we want, and who our family is. Don’t let fear of making mistakes keep you from living, from experiencing life. It’s easy to sit back and say Kyle was a mistake. But we got you, and you got his drive and ambition. And your mom’s smarts, and her determination, so you can make something of all the talent you’ve been blessed with.”
“Why does life and love have to be so complicated?”
“I think it’s so we can appreciate the little things, the simple things.”
I bobbed the tea bag up and down and watched the steam swirl from the mug. “You know I’m still going to go to Julian’s right?”
“Yes. After your tea. That should be enough caffeine to get you there.”
“Thanks Aunt Josie.”
“Anytime, kiddo.”
Julian was awake and texting when I arrived. “Josie,” he motioned with his phone. “She wanted me to text her when you got here. You want talk or you want to sleep?”
“Sleep,” I said, though I wasn’t really tired.
Julian took me by the hand and led me to his room, and as soon as I got through the door, I burst into tears. Julian held me in his arms and let me cry it all out against his chest, without a word. And then he stripped me out of my clothes — just the boots and sweater — put me in bed, and held me until I fell asleep.
I woke the next morning to the smell of Cinnamon pancakes. Julian’s favorite.
“You want to talk?” he asked setting a stack of pancakes in front of me. “Here, read the summary first,” I scrolled back to the beginning of yesterday evening’s texts.
Dominic had texted me earlier in the day, but it was to tell me about how his friend Adria, a girl, had a panty collection which he thought was both weird and kind of funny. And I had texted back that they were probably from all her conquests, and he was like, but she has a boyfriend, and I was like… yep. So, you know, not relevant.
“Damn,” Julian said when he finished reading. “Obviously I’m going to need some more details here.”
“Fine,” I shoved a pancake into my mouth. The whole thing. It wouldn’t all fit, so I had to abandon half of it, and let it fall back to the plate, but my mouth was stuffed to capacity when I began my lengthy tale of the most bizarre love triangle, stoned cousins, best kisses, weird friendships, crying my eyes out, and tea with my Aunt. And Julian had many questions, and laughed a lot, and after a while, I did too. It made me think, if I could get Kimber laughing about how ridiculous her evening had been maybe she’d be okay about it too, but it was going to be a hard sell.
“So what are you going to say back?”
“I don’t know what to do Julian. What do I do? What can I even say? The truth?”
“Why not?”
“Because, I’m not ready to lose him.”
“But you’ve already lost him, right? And now it’s only a matter of time. You know, as soon as they call your name at graduation, it’s over.”
“So what do I do?”
“You be true to you, and let him go.”
“And then what?”
“And that’s it. The only thing you’ll ever get from an impossible love is heartache; mourn it and move on.”
“I don’t think it’s that easy, Jules.”
“Oh, no. I never said it was easy, Darling. Let me tell you a story. A little while back, Eh, maybe it was a long while back,” he shrugged. “Let’s go with once upon a time, I met this extraordinary, and strikingly beautiful human being. He was younger than me, still trying to understand himself, and what all the things he was realizing he could no longer deny about himself meant for him. We talked, and over the course of those few hours, believe it or not, we fell in love. And yes, I know exactly how ridiculous that sounds, you can put your eyebrows back down now.” Julian let out a sigh and sniffed. “I can’t really explain it, the only other time I’ve fallen in love like that — so fast, so completely, so undeniably, was when I met you.”
I reached out and took his hand. He leaned over the table and kissed me.
“There were so many things that would keep us apart, his parents, our ages, and at the end of the night we both knew two things: Somehow, we had found each other and fallen madly in love, and it couldn’t work; there were too many obstacles standing in our way. But maybe one day, if the stars aligned just so. So, we let each other go. I still think about him, about that night, if there’s anything I could have done differently, where he might be now, if I should try to look him up, if he ever thinks about me. And then I come to my senses, or at least that’s what I tell myself is happening, and then I say things to myself like, ‘you’ve over-romanticized the whole thing’ and ‘not being able to have him, is what made him so appealing’ and ‘if you met him today, or five years from now, he’d be just another so-so guy, and you’d wonder why you’d ever thought you were in love.’” Julian let out a low breath. “Or maybe it’d be like no time had passed at all and we’d finally have our happily ever after. Is it easy to let them go and always wonder? No. Is it for the best? Yeah. I think so. But I’d be happy to be proven wrong.”
I stared at my phone for a good half an hour trying to figure out what I wanted to say to Dominic. How I wanted to end our friendship. Eventually I texted Zack.
KF: How are you surviving?
ZR: I’m good, thanks for asking. Everything hurts. Your cousin is a lot stronger than she looks. Is she okay?
KF: She was last time I saw her. Sleeping it off at home.
ZR: Think she’d freak if I went over there?
KF: Oh it’s a guarantee.
ZR: But maybe better than Monday morning, right?
KF: Good point.
I thought about giving Kimber a heads up, but she knew better than to partake in unknown party foods, and this was a level of payback I was comfortable with. I did text Aunt Josie though and let her know that the guy who ‘saved Kimber from herself’ was coming over, and they should be extra nice to him — especially if Kimber freaked.
By late afternoon I still hadn�
��t figured out a reply to Dominic. I’d bundled myself into a cocoon of blankets on the couch, listening to music while Julian worked on a dress he said he was designing for me to wear to the prom that I would absolutely not be missing.
I had typed up a few possible responses to Dominic, but hadn’t sent anything. Eventually my phone alerted me that it was starving and would soon die without electrical sustenance, so I went hunting for a charger in Julian’s room. When I got back, he was holding my phone in his hand. “Sorry, Darling, bandaid.”
My eyes went wide. “What did you do?”
“I sent the text you’ve been writing and rewriting for the past five hours. Call it tough love. Oh look, he’s already responding.”
Suddenly, I couldn’t remember what I’d written, probably because of all the numerous rewrites and revisions. I snatched the phone from Julian, and refreshed my memory while he casually, calmly, plugged in the charger.
KF: I’ve fallen in love with you, too. I promise I didn’t mean to, it just happened. Sort of snuck up on me actually. But it doesn’t matter, because despite our commonalities, and our mutual affections, in the real world I know you wouldn’t feel the same way. All those things you don’t see would crystalize, and everything we have would be over. I don’t want that, even though I know it’s inevitable. So I’ll understand if you never want to talk to me again after reading this.
DW: Okay, I get it, that last part about understanding if you never wanted to talk to me was uncalled for, and that’s on me. I never should have said that. And it’s a lie. I wouldn’t understand if you never wanted to talk to me, not at all. But it sort of sounds like that’s what you’re saying. Please don’t tell me I’m losing you, Kat. Or at least, tell me what I did to fuck things up this time. Give me a chance to make this right.
Kit Kat & Katie Did Page 24