All That Matters

by Sadie Rose

  I'm trying! I'm really trying. I think. I peel my eyes open and blink them at Anson.

  "Ava! you're awake!" he smiles at me, but tears stream down his face. I smile weakly at him and he kisses my head and my cheeks. "You have been sleeping forever! Are you thirsty? Do you want some water?" His hand brushes my hair from my face. I love Anson touch it's always soft and gentle. I nod and try to sit up. I still feel so tired and groggy. He helps me sit up. Anson holds a glass filled with ice water and helps me take a few sips from the straw. "How do you feel Ava? Do you feel ok?" he asks, and I nod my head. I rub my eyes. I don't know how long I've been asleep, and I know Anson won't say. It must have been longer than just a night if he's in here and if I feel so weak. "I've got to go to school soon but if you feel like taking a shower and getting dressed, I'll play with you when I get home does that sound ok? We can watch a movie or color in one of your books. Or even play the Xbox if you want to. Does that sound good?" I nod at him. "Mmmm, maybe I can skip and stay home with you today. That would be more fun right?" My mom walks in the room.

  "Ava! You're awake! When did she wake up Anson?" She asks as she hurries over to kiss me.

  "Just a few minutes ago. I was telling her maybe I can skip school today and hang out with her instead." Mom frowns at him.

  "It's only the second day of school Anson. You shouldn't miss and you have practice today. Me and Ava will be fine while you're at school won't we baby?" She smiles at me.

  "I don't want to leave her. She just woke up." Anson frowns. He looks tired and worried. Mom hugs Anson.

  "I know honey, but we agreed you can't put your life on hold, and you have football practice today. We will be fine until you get home. I'll stay with her and we are going to have lots of fun. We will paint our nails and fix our hair pretty and have a nice girl’s day until you get home ok?" She smiles at me "That sound good baby?"

  I nod at them both. I can tell Anson doesn't want to leave but I know he loves football and shouldn't miss. I grab his hand and pull him down for a hug. "Ok, ok, I'll see you after practice. I love you, Ava, love you Mom" He kisses my head and walks out.

  After Mom calls down to the kitchen for Gladys to make me breakfast, she runs me a hot bubble bath. I still feel really weak and tired, so she helps me undress and get in the tub. My mom knows all the best ways to enjoy a bath. She always gets the water just the right temperature, she turns on music and its always perfect. At bedtime, she turns on soft quiet music but now she turns on a fun, happy song. She adds oils and bubbles and lights citrus-scented candles. Mom laughs and talks as she moves around the bathroom.

  "Oh, wait until you see Jack and Oliver in their little school uniforms! They are just adorable Ava! They remind me so much of Anson when he was that age! They are so full of energy and excitement! They can't wait for school to start!" she laughs brightly, and I smile at her. "It's almost your birthday! Only a couple more weeks! Are you excited? We will have a great big chocolate cake and all your favorite foods! Won't that be fun! Can you believe you are nearly fifteen!" She starts washing my long hair talking quietly and happily the whole time. It feels nice. I feel so warm and safe and happy. "I will never forget the first time I saw you, Ava, you were the prettiest baby ever born! Big blue eyes and soft fuzzy hair! Oh, your skin was so pink and perfect none of the blotchiness so many newborns have! You were tiny and perfect. You stole my heart the moment I saw you." I lay back in the bubbles and let her voice drift over me, soothing me. After a while, she helps me out of the bath and wraps a fluffy towel around me. I sit on a stool while she picks out some clothes for me. Honesty the bath kinda wore me out and I already feel tired. Not really sleepy, just like I've run a marathon and now I'm tired. She comes back out with a short yellow pleated skirt and yellow top with a unicorn on the front.

  "How about this? Does it feel like a yellow kind of day to you" she asks smiling and I nod happily? She used to say that when I was very little, and I smile at the memory. Mom picks out clothes based on moods. When I was a little girl I'd sit on this stool while mom brushed my hair. "What color does today feel like baby?" she would ask me. Pink and yellow were always the happiest colors. She hands me the clothes and I start dressing. "I think your breakfast is ready, come on, I'll brush your hair after you eat ok?"

  After breakfast Mom brushes my long hair for me. She doesn't brush my hair that often anymore, but it's still nice sometimes. I pull it up into a high pony and tie a pink and yellow ribbon around it.

  Chapter 23

  Mason

  After May finished telling us about Ava, Erica and I went back upstairs.

  "Oh my God Mason" Erica says on the way "I can't even imagine how awful that must have been" I nod my head, trying to shove the image of Ava locked up in some fucking basement for two years, Jesus.

  "Did you know about John?" I ask her. I know her and Anson are kinda close.

  "God no! I didn't even know he was dead! I thought maybe they were divorced or something!" Erica whispers. She's still crying a little.

  "The whole this is pretty fucked up" I tell her, and she nods in agreement. I decided it was too late to go back to bed so I might as well take a shower and get ready for school. I didn't want to go but I knew Dad wasn't gonna let me miss either. I showered and dressed. I've never gone to a school where uniforms are required, and I feel like a giant ass in this getup. At this point though my wardrobe is the least of my concerns and I'm just glad no one back home will ever see me in this fucking monkey suit.

  I walk into the kitchen to see everyone smiling and laughing. A few hours ago, May was crying now her head is thrown back and she's laughing. She’s got a silver tray out and is hurrying around putting plates and bowls and fucking flowers on it. One maid is freaking singing! Genny, the housekeeper, is humming. I left and this place felt like a funeral home now it's like we are getting ready for a fucking party. Has everyone lost their damn minds? Even Anson is in a good mood, smiling and chatting with Erica. I look at Gladys, well she looks as grumpy as ever. What the hell did I miss?

  "Ava is awake!" Erica announces as soon as she sees me.

  "Really? Is she coming down? That's awesome!" I look at Anson.

  "Did you see her? How is she? Fucking about time!" Anson's still a fucker so he ignores me. I take my phone from my pocket and send a text. I've sent maybe half a dozen over the past few days just in case she was awake. But I send another one now.

  Me: Hey! You're Awake! Come downstairs I wanna see your pretty face!

  I wait for a reply staring at my phone, but nothing comes. it doesn't look like she's read this message it's unopened like all the others I've sent. Frustrated, I put my phone away. I look over at Erica and somehow, she gets what I want.

  "So, what was Ava doing? When did she wake up?" she asks Anson.

  "She just woke up maybe an hour ago. Mom is up there now. She seemed kinda weak and tired. You how you feel after you have a bad cold or something? That's how Ava usually is after one of these episodes. But she was in a great mood! That's a good sign" Anson smiles at Erica. Douchebag is still ignoring me, fucking baby.

  "That's awesome! I'm so glad she's better!" Erica smiles at Anson.

  "Me too! I told her I'd hang out with her after football practice if she isn't out of her room by then I'll see if I can get her to come out and watch a movie or something. Sometimes it takes her awhile to come down after this happens. It used to set her back weeks but last time she bounced back pretty fast. I know you and Ava have kinda become friends and I want you to know that means a lot to me Erica"

  Hellllloooooo? What the fuck about me? I was her fucking friend first. What the fuck ever. I guess I don't matter. In my mind, I flip Anson the bird. Asshole. Good thing I got Erica on my side. I grin at her as I walk out the door.

  Anson offered Erica a ride to school. Sometimes he has to leave really early so she rides with me but most of the time she rides with Anson when she can. She says it's because she doesn’t want helmet hair. It's fucking cute how they thi
nk they are all discreet and shit. I hop on my bike and ride solo down the driveway. I think about when Ava was on behind me. I could feel her whole body pressed against mine her legs pressed against mine. Best of all her arms wrapped around my waist her laughter in my ears. It was fucking perfect. I get to school and park the bike. Yesterday I was in a fucking daze. Today I wish I still was. Two girls came up to me before I even get to my first class! I could see by the hungry look in their eyes what they wanted and back at my old school I'd be happy to pull one of them off somewhere for a quick fuck. Today? Today I barely spare them a glance. I don't know why but I'm just not interested. I got shit to do and even more shit on my mind, so they are just gonna have to find their quick fuck somewhere else. Halfway through the first period, I feel my phone vibrate with a new message. I don't expect it to be Ava though, so I ignore it until class is over. When I pull it from my pocket I read?

  Me: Hey are you ok? Text me

  Me: Are you awake? Text me?

  Me: Anson says you are sleeping. I'm sorry about the fight. Text me.

  Me: I miss you. Text me.

  Me: Now I'm worried AND I miss you. Text Me.

  Me: Hey! you're Awake! Come downstairs I wanna see your pretty face!

  Ava: Hi! I'm just now getting your messages. Sorry to worry you. Are you mad at me? What fight? Did we get into a fight? I don't remember it. I miss you too. Text ME :)

  Relief fucking fills me. I've never felt so damned relieved to get a fucking text before. This girl has really fucked me up. I didn't realize how much until now. I'm grinning like a damn lunatic at my phone standing in the middle of the hallway as kids rush all around me and I don't give a rat’s ass.

  Me: Finally! Damn, I'm glad to hear from you! Forget the fight I'll explain later. What are you doing right now? I'm at school, which sucks in case you were wondering. I may be slow to respond because I'm not supposed to use my phone in class. But if you message me, I'll respond after class. You wanna hang out when I get home? How are you feeling? Better?

  Ava: I'm hanging out with my mom. She's been here all morning. We are having fun, but I wish you were home! Once she gets back, I won't be able to text until she leaves again but I'll respond as soon as I can ok? I definitely wanna hang out! I still feel really tired. Did I get a cold or the flu? I feel like I've been sick. My whole body is sore and tired. Anyway, I'm glad I'm better. Mom is back. I gotta go.

  So, I guess she doesn't remember what happened. I'm kinda hesitant to say anything. I'm not sure what to say? Doesn't she know she has these "episodes" as everyone calls them? I decide to just ignore that part of the message.

  Me: We can do something that's not too active if you want. Maybe watch a movie? Or listen to music? I gotta get to my next class. Text you later.

  All through math class I think about Ava. I wonder why she doesn't remember the fight. Is that normal? I wonder what happens to her during these "episodes" what's it like for her. Mostly I wonder how everyone handles it. How should I handle it? Should I not say anything? Or only say certain things? I decide to catch Anson before our next class which thankfully we have together. I keep thinking about Ava and I texting too. I've been thinking about it ever since the day of the fight. I think maybe I should have told Kate and Dad about it. It felt like I'd be breaking her trust though. But now I wonder if maybe it'd help her therapy? It seems like it would. How is the doctor even treating her if he can't communicate with her? Does he just talk to her? Does she communicate at all with him? Or only in head movement and body language? Maybe she draws pictures? I'm worried that I'll say or do something wrong and make things worse. Some things I've never dared to talk to Ava about. Like happened to her or anything about her health or really even too much about what life is like for her. Now I'm thinking that may have been a mistake or at least now I should try. Maybe what happened gives me a good opportunity to kinda I don't know to bring it up and see how she reacts? After math, I check my phone. No messages. I go looking for Anson and find him surrounded by a group of guys and a few girls. He's obviously the big shit around here. I walk up to him.

  "Hey, Anson I got Q for you. You got a minute?" A couple of the girl’s eye me up and down but I ignore them. I feel the guys sizing me up too, curious about the new guy. I ignore them as well. I've never been into high school politics and drama.

  " Ya, whatever. What do you need" Anson asks as he separates himself from the group and we start walking to our next class?

  "It's about Ava" I feel him stiffen as soon as I say her name. "What about her?" he asks tightly.

  "Since she's awake I was wondering how you all handle it? Does she know she's been asleep? Or for how long? Do you tell her? I don't want to say the wrong thing." He peers at me suspiciously.

  "We don't tell her anything. We pretend it never happened. At first, when she would get these "episode" we would try to talk to her about them, but it seemed to confuse and upset her. So now we just pretend nothing happened." This doesn’t sit well with me. It seems like she would be confused or have questions. I can tell he doesn't like talking to me about Ava but we both know its stuff I need to know.

  "Maybe you should try again though? I mean if it was a long time since you tried?” I suggest, pretty reasonably in my opinion.

  "Look don't come in here acting like you know her better than we do ok. You don't. We aren't even sure how much of what is going on around her she's aware of on her best days let alone her bad ones. Ya sometimes it seems like she's completely aware of everything we say, and I personally believe that her brain is fine and there isn't any damage. But not all the doctors agree on that ok. There are signs that maybe there is damage to her brain that is keeping her from being able to write or talk. So, don't pretend you know shit! You don’t." He shoves past me and stomps into the room.

  Seriously they need to look into getting him some anger management. I walk into the room and take a seat towards the back of the class. Every time I glance over at Anson he's glaring down at his desk. A couple of guys try talking to him, but he pretty much lets them know to leave him alone. He looks like a fucking ticking time bomb and I kinda feel sorry for the asshole who's around when he goes off.

  Chapter 24

  Ava

  Mom painted my nails a sparkly pink and I painted her bright red. She let me brush and curl her hair while she sat in front of me at my dressing table. My mom is a beautiful woman. Her long, honey blond hair is thick and wavy. She has eyes the color of chocolate ice cream. Her skin is smooth and tanned. She spends a lot of time outside riding horses, swimming, playing tennis and golf and it really shows. She's not just beautiful on the outside though she's beautiful on the inside. Even as a child she never yelled at me or lost her patience. She's the gentlest, kind, loving person I know. When I was a little girl, May would take me to playdates with other children and I would sometimes see their mothers. Some mothers were always rushing off or away barely even sparing their children a spare glance. Other mothers were always lounging around, by the pool in tiny bikinis with fancy drinks in their hands or on sofas staring down at their phones. I always knew that my mom was the best of them all.

  After we did each other's hair and nails we decided to go down and visit the horses. Besides the kitchen, the stables are Mom's favorite place. I wanted to see if Mason had texted me, so I checked my iPad as I was putting my shoes on.

  Mason: We can do something that's not too active if you want. Maybe watch a movie? or listen to music? I gotta get to my next class. Text you later.

  Me: What classes do you have? Do you have any with Anson? Is school boring? I haven't gone to school in a long time, but I remember liking it. Anson says he likes school. I'm about to walk down to the stables with Mom then go have lunch. Text you later :)

  Mom and I walk down to the stables. She tells me that we have two horses that are about to foal any day. I love when we have baby horses! Some people raise cows especially here in Texas, but we have always raised horses. Many of our horses are from champion blood
lines. Mom knows every horse by name. She helps break and train them all. Some of my earliest memories are of my mom teaching me to ride, brush, bathe and take care of our horses. We stay in the stables a long time my mom chatting about each horse, sometimes calling one of the stable hands over to ask a question or give an instruction. I brush their long manes and feed them apples. I love the horses, their soft muzzles and strong bodies their soft gleaming coats.

  After the stables, we wash up and walk back up to the house. I can tell mom is happy happier than I've seen her in years. She mentions Andrew and the twins and even Erica a lot, but she talks mostly about Andrew.

  "He's so sweet! You know he brings me flowers sometimes! Just for no reason! We have a whole garden full of flowers, but he takes the time to go by a florist and pick out flowers just for me. He could just call or even have his secretary do it, but he says he doesn't want to give me something that didn't cost him any effort. Marry a man that makes the time to please you, Ava. So many men, especially in our world, are so busy making money they forget about making memories." I can tell she really loves Andrew. Sometimes I wonder about my dad. I know he died but not anything else. I've tried to ask once or twice. I'd point to his picture, but I'm always told the same thing. He's gone. That's it. No explanation. May is the one who told me he had died. She found me sitting on my bed holding his picture and crying. I remember her picking me up and cuddling me on her lap.

  "You miss your Daddy, Ava?" I didn't look up or say anything, but I was listening. "He died a while ago baby" I remember looking up at her then and I started to cry again. She held and cuddled me but didn't tell me anymore. Anytime I pointed to the picture after that I was simply told he's gone.