All That Matters

by Sadie Rose

  Chapter 49

  Ava

  Of all the things that ever hurt me nothing ever hurt like losing Mason. It felt like I was like dying, I really didn't think I could hurt worse than what I'd already hurt. I was wrong this is worse. It's so bad that I almost believe that what we did was the right thing because if it hurts like this to lose him after six months what would it feel like if I lost him after a year? Five years? Or ten years? Honestly though, I can't imagine it feeling worse. And the reality is I'm not completely well. I'm not completely normal and it's possible that I never will be. I may always have panic attacks; I may always have nightmares. I spoke to Dr. Brinkley and while I better understand that things like not speaking, even going so far as pulling inside myself and blocking the world out, are coping techniques that my body used as a way to help me deal with what happened to me and that they aren't even necessarily unhealthy I also know that they may be techniques my body resorts to again if it's ever pushed hard enough. At least until I learn to master other ways to cope. He also helped me to see how even playing with dolls, sucking my thumb or coloring are ways for my body and mind to calm themselves down, they are a way to escape and control the stresses around me. I guess I agree with him, but I think those things also just makes me happy and I can't see the harm in that.

  I wish I could say that Mason and I were at least friends, but we aren't. I think it just hurts too much being around each other. We are polite and I don't think it's strained or awkward, ok that's a lie. It is awkward. I can barely look at him it hurts so bad. I can't think about him without remembering his laugh or his smile and how he made me feel. As strange as it sounds it feels like a part of me died. The part that made me believe in myself, the part that made me think that I could be more than what I was. But even though that part of me is gone there's a strength there in its place, it's a determination. A determination to get better to live a happy, normal life.

  I worry about what will happen six months from now or a year from now. Eventually Mason will move on he will get a girlfriend and go on dates. He will get married and have a family. I wonder if I ever will too. Will I ever love anyone the way I love Mason? I know the answer to that is no.

  Days turn to weeks and it's almost Thanksgiving before I know it. I thought it'd be easier by now but it's not easier. It's actually harder. It honestly hurts more now than it did right after we broke up. Maybe because at first, I was a little bit in shock and maybe a part of me didn't really believe it was over. But every day that goes by makes the breakup more and more real, more permanent.

  Erica knocks on the door and walks in. Her shiny black hair has gotten longer, she's wearing fitted jeans and a crop top. Honestly Erica is one of the prettiest girls I've ever met. I'm not surprised that Anson is so into her. She grins at me as she sits on the floor beside me and picks up a crayon. After a few minutes she tosses the crayon aside.

  "I don't understand why ya'll don't just get back together! It's obvious you are both miserable without each other." She says. I roll my eyes; she says the same thing every other day.

  "It's for the best Erica" I say again like I say every time she asks. "I think ya'll are both just being stupid and stubborn." She says sighing but she drops it and picks her crayon back up and we color some more.

  "You know what?" she asks.

  "What?" I say.

  "This really is relaxing." She laughs, "It's nice, especially after a really bad day. I think your bedroom is MY new happy place."

  I laugh. "This is MY happy place! You go get your own." I tease.

  "You could share." She pouts sticking her bottom lip out. Giggling, we pick up our crayons.

  Chapter 50

  Mason

  Thanksgiving is awful in fact it's so awful that I almost wish I had gone back home and celebrated with my mom. She's in town but I don't know, I'm lying I do fucking know. I didn't want to leave Ava. It's stupid because we aren't even together. We don't even talk to each other. We don't even look at each other. Still, I can't stand the thought of being so far from her. This is pretty damn depressing though. Dad's family is here and so is Kate's. Less than a year ago it would have been hard for Ava to deal with all this. The noise and chatter, the bright lights and music, all the freaking kids running around. Now she's smiling and joking around. She is laughing with her aunts and uncles and cousins and she's probably fooling most everyone here. But they don't know her the way I do. They don't know that when she really laughs her nose crinkles up a tiny little bit or when she's completely relaxed, she does this cute little head tilt thing. I've been watching her all night and she hasn't done it once. So nope, I know this isn't as easy for her as she's making it look. I see the strain behind her smile and the nervousness in her eyes. It's not that she's faking it. She's not. She's coping but I wish I could go over to her and take her hand and help her cope. I can't though. I threw that right away.

  I think about that day we broke up all the time. I know now that I made a mistake. I let dad get inside my head. I was a fucking idiot. I sneak away from everyone and go up to my room and stretch out on my bed. Erica comes in and lays down next to me. Neither of us speaks.

  "I'm a fucking idiot," I finally say.

  "So, make it right," Erica mutters.

  "It's too late" I answer.

  "It's never too late," she frowns over at me. She's wrong though. I take a drag from the joint then offer it to her. Usually she doesn't smoke pot but tonight she takes a hit and gives it back.

  "What's really going on?" She asks after a minute.

  "I did a stupid thing" I answer honestly.

  "So, make it right" she insists again.

  "Some things can't be undone Erica." She huffs out a breath and takes another hit of the joint as I hand it to her.

  "Just explain it to me, Mason, I don't get it," She says. We have had this conversation before, but I always ignore her. This time, I don't know if it’s the joint or the fact that it's Thanksgiving, but I answer her.

  "I spent months telling Ava that I believed in her. Telling her she could do anything. I convinced her that I saw her differently. Not broken, not damaged. I convinced her that I had faith in her then when it came time to put my money where my mouth was, I didn't come through. I treated her like everyone else, like she was too weak and damaged to be like everyone else. I let her down. worse I made her believe I was wrong about her. I made her believe that everyone was right, and she wasn't strong enough to live a normal life. I didn't say any of the things that I should have and everything I shouldn't. At the time I believed I was doing the right thing, protecting her, but I was wrong. Now it doesn't matter what I say. She lost confidence in me." I look away and take another drag from the joint.

  "Say you were wrong" Erica offers quietly. I just shake my head.

  Chapter 51

  Ava

  I'm sitting in my room singing to my dolls, I look around and I'm confused. Why am I still here? I look down at the hands holding my doll. They are old, gnarled and wrinkled. I cry out and run into my bathroom I look into the mirror, but an old, toothless woman looks back at me. I begin to cry as she laughs.

  I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I wish I could go to Mason, just one more time. I wish I could crawl in bed with him and snuggle into his heat and warmth. I wish I could stop pretending that I'm strong and just be weak. Or at least be comforted. I'm tired of fighting alone. I thought I was so strong, but I wasn't. I just had people supporting me. Now I'm determined to do everything alone. I wonder what Mason would say if I went to his room. I shudder thinking about it. It feels like I'd be admitting he was right about me. I shut my eyes and will my breathing to slow down. I wait for my heart to slow down. I wonder if I'll ever sleep peacefully again. I'm sick of tossing and turning all night. Every night I wake up with nightmares. Every night I wake up with my face wet with tears. The same dreams over and over and over again. Visions of blood and white rooms, dirty rooms and dead girls. Rats and hunger, running through trees, running t
hrough stadiums, down dark alleys and streets. Always running away from something, always being chased. I have other dreams now too. Dreams of an old woman and her mocking laughter. Dreams of being alone. I haven't told Dr. Brinkley that the dreams are getting so bad. I'm just tired. I'm always tired.

  I get up and get dressed I wait until everyone leaves before; I go downstairs. Today's the last day of school before Christmas break. I'm dreading it so bad. I hate the idea of Mason being here all the time. But it's only for a couple of weeks, then he's going back to California for a week and perversely, I hate the idea of him being gone even more. I wish I could figure out a way to make things better.

  Chapter 52

  Mason

  It's the third day into Christmas vacation and I'm lying in bed scrolling through Facebook. I see my friends back home and I miss them. I've pretty much avoided their calls and texts since Ava, and I broke up. I don't know why; I just don't feel like talking to them. I talked to a few friends and told them that we had broken up but other than that I've pretty much ghosted everyone. I'm bored, horny and depressed. I fucking miss Ava. My door is closed, and I hear it open. It's Anson. I'm so not in the mood for this asshole. He walks in and flops down on my bed and grabs a control before tossing one to me. I have no idea why he's here or why we are playing but whatever. I don't really care enough to ask. After we have played awhile, he says,

  "You're a fucking moron, you know, that right?" I don't say anything because yep I do know.

  "Ava misses you. You miss Ava. Shit man, people break up and get back together all the time" I still don't say anything. This is different. He laughs "Look at it this way, you two have made everyone so miserable even Mom and Andrew will probably be happy when you make up." We play awhile more and finally I say.

  "She doesn't seem to miss me." He glances over at me.

  "Are you fucking for real? That girl is miserable. Surely being together can't be as bad as being apart, right?" We play for another hour and I think about what he says. I mean he's kinda right, isn't he? This is pretty fucking miserable, and people do break up and get back together. Fuck people fight all the time and don't break up. Maybe this is more about us being stubborn than being right. Why did we even let it get to this point? At the time all our reasons seem so solid now it just seems stupid. Finally, Anson tosses the controller back on the bed.

  "Stop being a fucking pussy. Go get your girl." He grins at me and walks out. I lay there playing awhile longer just thinking. Fuck I really do miss Ava. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I fucking miss her voice and her hair and lips. Fuck this. I gotta talk to Ava. I'm not sure what would be better? Should I just go up there or send her a text? I decide to text her.

  Me: I miss you

  I look at the words on the screen and hesitate maybe I should say something else? I can't think of anything truer to say. Shit. I press send. I wait but no reply comes. My heart sinks. I didn't think about her ignoring my text. I toss the phone down. Almost immediately it dings with a message and I snatch it back up.

  Ava: I miss you too.

  Me: Then come hang out with me.

  No reply. Fuck c'mon Ava just say yes, I think, finally she replies.

  Ava: Ok

  I stare at the screen. Ok. She said ok. I grin, a big fucking grin. I can't believe she said ok. I toss the phone aside and jump up and yank my shirt over my head and put a clean one on. I brush my teeth then I wait for Ava. I'm going to get her back. I smile. She's mine. She always has been.

  Chapter 53

  Ava

  Mason: I miss you.

  I stare at the screen I don't even know how to respond. So, I respond with the truth. Now I'm standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom as I brush my teeth and freshen my makeup. My hair is pulled up into a high ponytail and I pull the band out and let it spill down my back. It's stupid, but I know that Mason likes my hair down. I frown at myself in the mirror. Is this really a good idea? Probably not. But I'm sick of missing Mason. I walk downstairs, his door is closed and that throws me off. He never used to shut the door. Should I knock or just go in? Finally, I knock on the door. Almost immediately, it swings open and Mason is standing there grinning at me. I smile back because faced with that grin how can?

  "I'm glad you agreed to hang out, I'm bored as fuck," he says walking back into his room.

  "Me too" I smile. He flops down on his bed in his usual spot with his back against the headboard and I walk over hesitantly and sit facing him. This feels so familiar. He feels familiar. He looks too damn good too, his long legs are covered in black ripped jeans and he's wearing a grey T-shirt. He looks so much like I don’t know? He looks like Mason. It's weird, I've seen him every day since we broke up, but I've worked so hard not to see him. Now it's like I can't look away. His hair looks longer, darker. His lips look fuller. He even smells so damn good. He's staring at me too.

  "You look pretty Ava." He finally says and I smile.

  "Thank you. You look good too." This is awkward, it’s harder than I thought it'd be. So, I blurt out "This feels weird! I don't know what to say." He smiles at me. A shy crooked smile. "I've missed how you say exactly what’s on your mind. I don't have to guess what you're thinking cuz you just tell me." I smile again but I still don't know what to say.

  He sighs "I think we made a mistake. I don't think we should have broken up." I stare at him.

  "I don't know what to say to that either," I tell him and his face kinda falls. I chew my lip. "I miss you so much Mason, but nothing has really changed right?" He shrugs.

  "I don't know, maybe things have changed," he says, and I frown.

  "What’s changed? Everything we said is still true, everything your dad said is still true" I say confused. He takes my hand.

  "Then maybe the only thing that's changed is me. I don't care, Ava. I don't care about anything other than the fact that I miss you. Fuck the rest." I laugh a little.

  "We can't just ignore it, Mason" I say.

  "Why?" He asks and I don't really have an answer to that. "Ava, I got scared. I got to thinking that maybe I would end up hurting you and maybe it'd be too much for you to handle. And maybe that was wrong of me. I should have trusted you more. I should have trusted myself more but fuck I don't know. I just didn't." He sighs leaning back some and he looks so lost, so unsure.

  "I should have tried to be more understanding," I say as I scoot closer to Mason. "But Mason this is me." I touch his face. "I can't be different. I don't know how. I get scared and I get clingy and I don't know, needy? And I don't want to have to pretend not to be those things. That's too hard. But I don't want you to feel worried about me or overwhelmed. I'm young but you're young too and you deserve better than that." Tears streak down my face and I wipe them away.

  "I don't want better, Ava. I want you exactly how you are, weak, strong, clingy, scared, I don't care. Just, you gotta take me as I am also, with my weak and scared moments too." His voice is hoarse, and I know that he's choking back tears. "I can't always be the brave one and you can't always be the strong one. We gotta just admit sometimes we are going to be weak and just be weak together."

  He reaches for me and pulls me closer his hand goes around my waist and he pulls me closer so that I'm up on my knees between his legs. I wrap my arms around his neck and lay my head on his shoulder I try not to cry but I can't help it. I've missed him so bad and I'm so tired of fighting missing him. He lays his head on my neck.

  "I need you Ava. You need me, but I need you too." A sob escapes me because he's right, I do need him. I need him so much, his laughter and his smile. I need his humor and the way he makes me feel. I need his strength, but I need this too. I need this unsure, vulnerable boy. I kiss his cheek and look into his face at his blue eyes wet with tears that he's too proud to let fall. But his eyes plead with me to understand.

  "Don't cry, Ava." He whispers. "We're gonna be ok." But that makes me cry harder because maybe we aren't. I just can't keep resisting him. I lean over and kiss him because w
ords seem too hard right now. So, I kiss him through my tears, and he kisses me back. "God, I've missed you." He chokes out again." I can't stop crying but I can't stop kissing him either. And Mason just does what he always does, he senses what I need, he understands my mood and he kisses me through my tears. He lets me sob out my pain and never slows down.

  "I love you Ava." He whispers. "You're mine and I'm yours." Sweet words of assurance that I need to hear keep pouring out of him. "I'm sorry, baby." His hand pulls me closer, his mouth sucks my lip, his tongue sweeps into my mouth. "We're ok, baby. I've got you now." His other hand goes into my hair holding my head close.

  "I love you too Mason." I finally choke out, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth.

  "I know baby. I know you do." He says quietly. "I'm sorry." I say, sobbing again.

  "I know, it's ok though, we are ok now" He whispers against my lips. He kisses my eyes; he kisses my chin and my cheeks. His hands go to my face and his fingers slip into my hair as he cups my cheeks looking at me. "We are gonna fight again, it's just life but this is it no more breaking up, agreed?" I nod and smile at him. I know I'm a mess I've gotta look awful I've cried so hard. He looks pretty wrecked too though, so I don't care. Then his mouth is on mine, his tongue flicking and rubbing mine and nothing else matters. Whatever we have to go through, whatever we have to fight, it doesn't matter as long as Mason is kissing me. As long as I'm in his arms. I can face it. We can face it. Together.