by Brisa Starr
Me: That’s fantastic! Is Maggie awake?
Mom: Yes, she had local anesthesia. They’re taking her up to her room soon. I’ll text you when you can come up.
I text her a thumbs-up emoji.
I’m relieved to hear everything went well! I hang my head back and gaze up at the ceiling. Thank god. But I won’t have complete peace until I see my sister holding her baby in her arms.
Wow. I have my first nephew, and the relief in my chest overwhelms me. I suddenly realize how sad it is that my father wasn’t here to witness this. And how bittersweet this moment must be for my mother, so lonely at the loss of her husband, yet so joyful about becoming a grandmother.
A flood of emotions ripple through me and all around me. I rest my elbows on top of my legs, my head in my hands, and I cry. Tears of joy, tears of relief, and tears of frustration. Tears of everything.
A few minutes later, I get another text from my mom, and she tells me I can come up to Maggie’s room.
I rock back and forth and press my palms to my eyes, and the feeling of relief hits me again. A slow smile spreads across my face, and I stand up. It’s time to celebrate, and I go to see my sister and her baby boy.
I only wish Ash were here to share this with me.
19
Luke
Mom and I leave Maggie at the hospital with Brent, and we go out for a celebratory dinner. We promise to come back the next day. We spend the meal looking at pictures of my new nephew, Jack, who’s named after my dad, and we talk mostly about how relieved we are that it’s all done.
My mom repeats her appreciation for my being here to help, and a feeling settles in me that this is indeed the right place for me to be right now. Once Maggie is home from the hospital, my mom will stay a few nights at Maggie’s house so she can take the night shift, allowing Maggie and Brent to sleep. Mom is so excited about it, she’s had her bag packed for a week already.
I’ve updated Ash, and I’m dying to see her, so I text her to see if she’s up for doing something tonight.
Me: Hey! What’s up? Want to meet up tonight?
Ash: Hi! Actually, Reese is here from Flagstaff. We’re on Whiskey Row at Backdrop Saloon. Come join us!
Shit.
Backdrop Saloon.
My throat constricts, and I cover my face. I want to see her, and I want to get out of the house, but that’s the bar. Of all the many bars on Whiskey Row. That’s the bar where Jeremy and I went that night. There’s no way I can step foot in that place.
I run my hands through my hair. Shit. I stand up and pace the den, when my phone dings.
Ash: What do ya say?
Fuck it. Rip the Band-Aid off. I can do this. So far, when I’m in places that Jeremey and I used to go to, I’m either hit with good memories, or I’m hit with pain, but being with Ash soothes it.
I convince myself that if she’s there, I’ll be fine.
Me: I’ll be there in 30 minutes.
I go upstairs to change my shirt. I brush my teeth and comb my hair while I’m up there. Then I take off.
I park and walk along Whiskey Row, a place famous for its many saloons, in this legit, Old West town, that actually has hitching posts — albeit unused, except for locking bikes — and still has a law on the books saying it’s illegal to bring your horse inside a saloon. I chuckle at the idea that this law was actually necessary at one point in Prescott’s history.
I would admire the festive ambiance from the bright, neon signs and people having a good time, but I know that too many of them have been drinking and will probably be driving. I can’t wait for the LyfeSense technology to become a standard feature on everybody’s phone. Knowing that people will be able to test their blood alcohol level before getting into a car will save so many lives. Not to mention keeping thousands of people out of jail for DUIs.
I walk into the Backdrop Saloon, and I immediately lay eyes on her like a heat-seeking missile locked on its target. God, she’s beautiful, and relief soothes my tense body, even though I’m literally stepping into my own particular hell.
As I walk toward them, I stop in my tracks… I see Lance walk over to her table. What the fuck? He stands next to Ash, and he puts his fucking arm around her shoulder. My blood boils.
Those shoulders are mine.
I eliminate the distance between us in three long strides.
“Hey, Ash,” I say, my eyes narrowed on Lance.
She turns around, and her face lights up when she sees me, and satisfaction curls my lips into a smile. It’s as if there’s no one else in the room but us. She stands up and I hug her. I can’t help it. I need to have her in my arms. The second my arms engulf her, everything is right, and I tap into a bottomless source of peace.
I take a deep breath, inhaling her lavender scent. The hug takes her by surprise, but she melts into me and wraps her arms around me in return, and rests her head on my chest, like she’s home. We hold each other for a moment before I release her, and she smiles to me, then turns to introduce me to her friend.
“Reese, this is Luke.” Ash turns to me and says, “Luke, this is Reese, my best friend from college.”
Then she turns to Lance, who is now sitting down, making himself at home — fucker — and she says, “And you know Lance.”
I put my hand out to shake Reese’s. I shoot Lance an icy look.
“Congratulations,” Reese says, and my confused expression prompts her to help me out. “On your sister’s baby. I hear you’re a proud new uncle.”
“Yes! Congratulations, Luke!” Ash beams. “How is everyone?”
I admire Ash’s infectious exuberance, and her arresting beauty makes me wish we were alone. Her long hair cascades around her shoulders, and she’s wearing a cornflower blue, V-neck T-shirt that hugs her breasts so perfectly, it’s begging my hands to fondle them. Her tight, cut-off jean skirt has a sexy fringe fraying at the bottom, just above her knees, and a zipper that goes up the front from bottom to top.
Fuck me... What I wouldn’t give to unzip that and push it up over her hips and lick her. Right there. Between her legs… she deserves a proper tongue lashing. I wonder what color her underwear is. My body starts to overheat. Get your shit together, Luke. It ain’t gonna happen. We’re just friends.
I put on my friend hat and join back in the conversation. “They’re all doing fine, thanks. Maggie is tired, and my mom is already planning his first birthday party.” Ash and Reese laugh with me. Lance stays mute.
I show them some pictures on my phone, and they both sing their praises of how handsome he is.
I put away my phone and say, “She named the baby after my dad, which thrilled my mom. Maggie will be in the hospital for a few days recovering from the surgery, and then Mom will stay with her for a few nights, to help her get settled once she’s back home.”
Ash updates Reese about her dad, and how his early stages of dementia are improving, and that he’s going to spend more time in town at Sally’s Café.
While she’s talking, I take the moment to look around the bar. Things have changed since I was here ten years ago, which relaxes my blistering nerves. It’s more upscale now. The coin-op pool table with cigarette burns is gone, and the dusty Budweiser light fixtures have been replaced with trendy Edison bulbs. I even see a well-dressed couple eating brie on crackers, and I can’t help but think somebody would’ve gotten punched in the face by a redneck if he’d ordered brie here ten years ago. I guess all of Prescott has changed, like everything eventually does.
But the real calm settling in me is because Ash is here, and it hits me harder how important she is to my life. I realize now that she saved me. From myself. Like an angel.
I still want to know what the fuck Lance is doing here.
As if Ash senses my thoughts, she excuses herself and says to Lance, “Can I talk to you, please?” Lance stands up, and they step outside the bar. I sit down in Lance’s chair.
I glance at Reese, and she gives me a once over, like any good best friend woul
d do, and she gives me a friendly smile.
“So. You’re Luke.” She squints her eyes at me and tilts her head to the side. Then a smirk forms on her lips.
“Yes, I am. And you’re Reese,” I say, giving her the same treatment for fun.
She laughs and says, “Well, it’s nice to meet you finally.”
I wonder what this means, and I realize it can only mean one thing: Ash told her about me.
I wonder what Ash said.
I cut to the chase.
“So, Reese, what the hell is Lance doing here?” I can tell she’s pleased with my question because I notice a tinge of mischief dancing in her eyes.
“Jealous?” she says, raising a sculpted eyebrow at me under her blond pixie bangs.
I lie. “Not really.”
She squints at me, and I add, “I’m just protective of dickheads when it comes to Ash.”
“Oh, I see,” she exaggerates and then adds, “That’s so very kind of you.” She laughs and leans back in her chair.
I lean forward. “Seriously though, what’s he doing here?”
“He’s trying to get her back,” she says and sighs. I feel rage and sickness upon hearing this, but Reese looks as unhappy about it as I am. “He was sniffing around in Flagstaff. I bumped into him, and he asked me all kinds of questions about her… what she’s doing, if she’s seeing anybody, et cetera. So I’m not surprised to see him down here. But I’m not pleased.”
“Me neither,” I say, controlling the anger threatening to explode out of me.
Ten fucking-long minutes later, after swapping brief stories with Reese about what each of us does for a living, and making small talk, Ash finally comes back into the bar. Without Lance.
Victory.
To say that I am happy is an understatement.
“Well, I don’t think he will be back,” Ash says and flicks her hand toward the door, dismissing the now-gone Lance.
“What did you say?!” Reese asks, and I’m all ears, trying to act casual, but my eyes bore into Ash’s.
“I just told him the truth,” she says and shrugs, a soft sadness in her eyes. “I told him there was no chance in hell that we’d get back together.”
“Atta girl!” Reese cheers.
Ash leans back in her chair and says, “Apart from the obvious — that he ended it — I told him he did us a favor by preventing a disastrous marriage. That I’d realized recently he wasn’t the one, and it never could have worked.”
She gives me a quick glance before turning her attention back to Reese. “And, I told him there’s no way I’d move to Flagstaff anyway. It’s too far from my dad. Funny thing is, he seemed to take it OK.” She sighs, and then adds, “Which only reinforces my decision, seeing how he didn’t even put up a fight. Just goes to show, he didn’t love me. To be honest, I’m not even sure why he bothered coming down here in the first place.” She looks off to the side, lost in her own thoughts.
“For closure,” I offer. “Now he can move on, without wondering for the rest of his life if he’d made a mistake.”
Ash and Reese look at me, and they both nod quietly.
Ash’s brow knits together, and I want to hold her hand. I don’t think she’s sad that he didn’t love her, because she knows he’s not the one. But maybe she’s sad because he didn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved, and she deserves to be loved and worshipped. Every damn day.
I stand up. “I’m gonna hit the restroom. Can I get you ladies anything on my way back?”
Reese asks for a glass of white wine, and Ash asks for a club soda with lime. She knows I don’t drink, and I suspect she’s abstaining to support me. She doesn’t have to do that, but it’s sweet, and I appreciate it. She knows I would worry about her driving.
Once in the bathroom, I take a piss, and as I go to wash my hands, I gaze at my reflection in the mirror. More feelings about Ash come to the surface, and I attempt to process them, but I don’t know what to do with them. I have a mixture of frustration, longing, desire, protectiveness… and now, jealousy. I’ve never had so many emotions stirring in my gut for a woman. It’s exciting, but also unnerving.
I dry my hands and go out to the bar to get the drinks.
But as I walk over to the bartender, I see a couple of guys stumble over to Ash and Reese. Jesus Christ. What the fuck now? Are these women dude-magnets? I mean, Ash is so beautiful, I don’t know what I expected, but the fact that I can’t leave them alone for five minutes without men coming over irks me. I crack my neck, and I walk back to the table. I’ll get the drinks after I deal with these bozos.
“Can I help you guys?” I say directly to them so there’s no misunderstanding that this is my territory.
“We were just asking the little ladies if they needed drinks. And they do,” the good-looking tall one in the Yankees baseball cap slurs.
Great. He’s drunk. I hope the fucker isn’t driving.
“Well, they’re all set because I’m taking care of them,” I say and clench my hands into fists. I step closer to the two assholes and breathe heavier. If I have to crack skulls, I will.
The shorter one looks up at his friend and says, “Hey, come on, man. Let’s go.”
The taller one lingers for a few seconds longer than necessary though, and I take a step closer. I think they see the crazy brewing in my eyes, and they walk away.
With that over, I turn to Ash and Reese. “I’ll be right back with those drinks.”
I walk over to the bartender, and after placing the order for drinks, I say to him, “Hey, that guy over there with the Yankees hat.” I point to the tall one. “He shouldn’t be driving.”
The bartender glances in the direction I’m pointing, and then he looks at me. He takes a moment longer to look at me before recognition dawns on his face. “Luke! Is that you?”
I take a closer look at him. “Shit, Jimmy? Yeah, it’s me.”
Shit. Coldness shoots through me, threatening to freeze my veins, and my bones go rigid as I have flashbacks of that night. Jimmy was bartending. I take a deep breath and turn around. I find my calm... setting my eyes on Ash. My body thaws, and I turn back to Jimmy.
“Man, how’ve ya been?” he asks. “I heard you were in town.” He reaches his hand over the bar to shake mine. “Can’t take a piss in this town without everyone knowin’ about it,” he laughs.
“Yeah, I’m doing fine. Thanks.” No use telling him I’m in town because of my dad’s funeral, and now Maggie’s baby. He’ll already know all that, too.
“I’ll keep my eye on the drunk one,” he says, handing me the wine and club soda. “Don’t worry about it.” He gives me a reassuring nod. I thank him and walk away.
I take the drinks over to Ash and Reese, and I sit down, hoping I can just relax for a while. Between the saloon itself, Lance, those other dudes, and everything else, I’m ready to just fucking chill. I knew it wouldn’t be easy being here, but I’m relieved to know I can stop to catch my breath.
Ash turns to me and starts peppering me with questions about Maggie and the baby, and I smile as I fill her in on the details.
“The little guy is such a cutie,” I say, and warmth swells in my chest as I think about my nephew.
“So, you’re officially an uncle,” Ash says, her eyes beaming with joy for me.
“Yeah. Can you believe it?” I answer with a goofy, proud grin. “He was so tiny, Ash! When I held him, my heart melted.”
Ash smiles at me and says, “I am so jealous, but I’m the one who lives here, so I’m gonna make it a point to see that baby every chance I get.” She winks at me.
And I know she didn’t mean to, but when her words hit me, it was like getting knee-capped, and the realization reverberates through me: I won’t be here to see my nephew grow up. I mean, I can always come and visit, but that’s all it would be. What, a few times a year? At most?
As if reading my mind, she smiles and says, “I’ll be sure to send pictures, just in case your mom and sister don’t send you enoug
h.”
And, just then, with everything else I’ve had pound through my head tonight, I feel a cold chill on my neck, and in a flash, I see a picture of the future — a future Ash — and I see her pregnant. The oxygen is sucked out of my lungs and my gut twists, because I realize… it’s not my baby.
What a nightmarish thought. I shake my head to dislodge it. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I even thinking things like this? I must be emotional, processing so much in so little time. That’s the only thing that can explain these insane ruminations.
We’re just friends!
Then, why do I keep thinking of her in every way but, you idiot?!
I rub my hands on my jeans. I need to run or climb or kayak or something, by myself, and search my soul. How is it possible to feel so much confusion and clarity at the exact same time?
I push these notions out of my mind, for now. At least, I pretend to. I don’t want my issues to keep the girls from having a good time.
So, I lean forward on the table and give them my attention. I learn that Reese stays the night with Ash when she visits, and vice versa. They talk about times back in college, and I get to laugh at some of Reese’s stories, and learn more about Ash in the process, which I love. Reese also fills me with stories of how incredible and smart Ash is, as if I didn’t already know.
After an hour, I decide it’s best for me to leave. While I haven’t had my fix of Ash tonight, I decide to give them more girl time.
I stand up to leave, and Ash says to me, “Even though Reese is here, I’m waking up early to run tomorrow, if you’d like to join me.” Her eyes shine with hope for an affirmative answer.
“Definitely,” I say. “I need it, and so does Blitz. Count us in.” She stands up to hug me goodbye, not our usual way to part, but I hold her tightly, and we linger... not the kind of hug you’d see between just friends.