by Cora Jay
The waitress arrived just then with the drinks, and Harika remembered, like an idiot, that alcohol was involved. Alcohol tended to loosen people up, didn’t it? That could be helpful. She still didn’t know if Ellie was even gay or not, so she’d have to work that in somehow.
This date was turning out to be much more of a challenge—or a different challenge, rather—than Harika thought it would.
15
Ellie
It was turning out that Harika was great company. She was more worldly than most of the other people Ellie had ever met in Redwood Crossing, possibly due to her heritage, and she had a lot of great stories about dogs from vet school. Ellie could see herself becoming friends with the woman, easily.
There was just one problem.
Ellie suspected, deep down, that Harika was a lesbian. Which was fine—just fine. Ellie had no qualms with gay people. But she also suspected that Harika might have asked her out on a date, and Ellie had simply accepted without realizing. To be fair, going out “for drinks” could have any purpose, so Harika should have made it clearer.
But now that she was in this situation, what was Ellie going to do? She couldn’t very well extricate herself from it, especially since she was actually enjoying conversing with Harika. But she had to make it clear, at some point, that she wasn’t interested in Harika, or women at all. It wouldn’t at all be fair to lead on the kind doctor more than was necessary.
“And that’s how I learned to give a cat an injection,” said Harika, laughing, her warm smile and easy laughter filling the space between them.
“And that’s why I never want a cat,” said Ellie, shaking her head. The margarita had loosened her up a little, and she felt more comfortable than she did—though that was also partially due to how easy it was to talk to Harika.
“They can be sweet,” said Harika, “but Betsy is more than a handful for me anyway, with running the clinic and all.”
“It’s tough being a small business owner,” said Ellie. “No time for anything. Honestly, I’m glad you asked me to hang out because I don’t get out much anymore.”
“Anymore?” asked Harika.
Ellie squirmed in her seat. She didn’t really want to get into the whole story of what had happened with Aaron, partially because the fact that he was present in her life again made her nervous. But it would provide the perfect opportunity to let slip the fact that Ellie wasn’t into women.
She decided to go for it.
“I just went through a bad break up several months back,” said Ellie. “My ex um, took all our friends.”
“Ah,” said Harika, nodding her head knowingly. “That sucks.”
Ellie realized she hadn’t mentioned her ex’s gender. What an oversight. “Yeah, um, they were all like him, anyway. So it wasn’t like there was much of a friendship to preserve.”
She looked away when she said that. She didn’t want to look at Harika’s face when she dashed her hopes. But when she looked back up, Harika had a pleasant, neutral expression on her face, as if Ellie hadn’t said anything. Maybe she hadn’t heard her, in the clamor of the restaurant. Would she need to bring it up again? Beat her over the head with it?
Sorry dude, I’m just not a lesbian.
“What was he like, then?” asked Harika, resting her chin on a hand.
Okay, so she had heard Ellie properly and seemed completely unfazed. That was something.
“He moved to New York,” said Ellie. “Thought he’d fit in better there. He wasn’t quite cut out for the slow pace of life here, or how well, unfashionable we all are.” Ellie laughed, and Harika joined in.
“I don’t think you’re unfashionable at all, though,” said Harika. “For one thing, those tattoos are awesome.”
Ellie had had her ink for so long that sometimes, she forgot she even had it. She looked down at her forearms as if noticing the designs there for the first time, and traced over the patterns with her eyes.
“What do they mean?” asked Harika.
Usually, Ellie didn’t like to answer that question. It was the question a lot of tattoo owners got on a regular basis, and hers were so personal that she didn’t feel like telling just anyone. But Harika made her comfortable enough that she wanted to share. She could see the other woman gazing at the colorful drawings with appreciative eyes, taking them in.
“So… My dad was in the Navy and died when I was a teenager,” said Ellie, the words spilling from her lips easily. She’d told the story so many times that it was second nature now. “That’s why I have the ship under the stars. He liked to point out all the constellations to me and teach me about their stories. And the anchor… It’s just a symbol to be true to myself. Grounded.”
“That’s lovely,” murmured Harika, who was clearly enthralled. Normally, Ellie would have felt uncomfortable with this kind of laser focus attention, but coming from Harika, it felt like warm sunshine, soothing her soul.
“The greyhound—that’s obviously Bella, since she’s a racing rescue. And on the other arm, I have something my mother and sister designed. They’re artists. I guess we all are, except my dad. But he never minded or was jealous, even though he wasn’t the artistic type.”
It felt good to tell someone all that—a relative stranger. Was this what Ellie had been missing out on by not having good friends? It felt strange, for sure, but it also felt damn good.
“An artistic family,” said Harika. “That’s wonderful. I haven’t got an artsy bone in my body… as you saw from the brochures I cobbled together.”
Ellie laughed. “I think everyone, to an extent, has an eye for what they find aesthetically pleasing. That counts for something.”
Ellie squirmed, though, when she said that, because she was quickly realizing that what she found aesthetically pleasing was sitting right in front of her. The dim lighting of the lantern hanging overhead just made the sharp lines of Harika’s face stand out more: her gentle jawline, the elegant cheekbones, the smooth brow. She was a good-looking woman, that was for certain.
But maybe that was it—she could just be a good-looking woman, and nothing more. It was possible for people to find people aesthetically attractive without being sexually attracted to them, right?
Yeah, it was possible. Sure, that was what it was.
But if that was the case, why was her core tingling under her jeans? Maybe just thinking about romance and sexual attraction was turning her on. That had to be it. After all, it wasn’t like Ellie had reacted to any other women she’d ever met in this way. Had she?
She had to focus on the conversation. She blinked her eyes. “You ever think you could get a tattoo?” she asked.
The waitress arrived with their meals—and their second round of drinks. Ellie didn’t drink much—just the occasional beer at home—and she had a terribly low tolerance. It was like it had evaporated as soon as she’d graduated from college. But that was fine. She was an adult who could handle her margaritas.
“I don’t think so,” said Harika, cutting into her chicken. “I don’t know what to get. I’d want it to be something meaningful. Also, what if I get tired of it later?”
Ellie laughed, staring down at her fish platter, which sizzled appealingly. “That’s what every non-tattooed person says. But the way I see it, it’s okay to just get something that looks cool.”
“Fair enough,” said Harika. “But it is a commitment.”
“What about Betsy’s face? That’s something that’d be perfect for a tattoo.”
Harika laughed out loud and had to cover her mouth. “Oh my God, yes,” she said. “I can see it now, with the ribbon underneath and everything.”
“There you go,” said Ellie, sipping her margarita. “Now you’ve gotta get inked.”
Harika looked up and into her eyes. “Maybe.”
Both women were incredibly hungry and downed the food quickly. “This is so damn good,” said Ellie. “And you got to eat this homemade all the time? I’m jealous. I don’t even get anything Polish.”
>
Harika laughed. “I can make some of this stuff. I mean, it’s not as good, but… I could share a recipe. Or make it for you some time.”
Ellie froze, the warm ambiance that had come over her dissipating as she realized that the vet was flirting with her. She wasn’t entirely comfortable with that, given the feelings she’d happily ignored earlier. Harika hadn’t been thrown by her comments about Aaron at all.
It made sense, she supposed. After all, bisexual people existed. Harika still hadn’t ruled out the possibility that Ellie was attracted to women.
And had Ellie?
She refocused on finishing her food, the alcohol starting to make the edges of her thoughts blurrier. She couldn’t help but remember the shape of the feelings she’d had back in school. Her attraction to men had always been stronger, and when Aaron came onto the scene, he’d been like a whirlwind, wiping away everything else. But there had been feelings, before him. Women she’d found very pleasing, aesthetically. There might have been more to it than just that, though…
Ellie had just wanted a new friend. She hadn’t counted on getting a journey of self discovery out of the whole deal as well.
“That’d—that’d be nice,” said Ellie. “Sharing recipes, I mean.”
She glanced up cautiously to see how Harika had taken her comment. But the other woman was smiling smugly, almost like she knew something Ellie didn’t.
Ellie didn’t like the feeling that someone else might know something about her that she didn’t know herself. And if this Harika was a lesbian and had a functioning gaydar, if that was even a thing… Maybe she did know about those feelings Ellie had buried. The vet was certainly perceptive when it came to people, and was obviously a people person overall.
“I’ll be sure to send you some,” said Harika. “The cheese fritters we had for an appetizer, almojábanas, are pretty easy.”
“Cool,” said Ellie, nursing her margarita. She knew the steady flow of alcohol into her veins couldn’t be great for this situation, but it was helping her feel less weird about it. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to run away from the scene entirely and go sit at home with Bella, or continue basking in the soothing light of Harika’s attention and obvious attraction.
If she wasn’t really gay though, would it even be a choice? Maybe she liked that attention for reasons other than the fact that she was, ultimately, a pretty lonely person.
The waitress came to take their plates away, and asked if they wanted a third drink or a dessert—or both. Ellie stammered, having forgotten to decide what she wanted to do next. Or rather, she wasn’t even sure what she wanted to do next. Everything was becoming a little fuzzy, and things that seemed urgent—like the desire to go home—weren’t quite so urgent anymore.
God, she was confused.
“We could go out, walk around if you wanted,” said Harika.
A change of scene might be just the thing she needed. “Sounds good,” said Ellie, and the waitress left to get their check.
16
Harika
Watching Ellie’s progression as she steadily got more confused had been, Harika admitted to herself, at least a little amusing. But it wasn’t an ideal situation.
It was clear to Harika—clear as day—that Ellie had some sort of same-gender attraction going on. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be so conflicted. Harika had dealt with straight women, when she’d tried to suss out their motives in similar situations, and they’d just been brick walls, so secure in their sexuality that they backed away consistently. But Ellie wasn’t backing away, exactly. She didn’t seem to know what she was doing.
And as a result, Harika didn’t quite know what to do. The urge to kiss her was overwhelming. Ellie was just so adorably flustered, and the flush that showed up on her cheeks from the alcohol was just so cute. Not to mention the way the inked designs moved on her skin as she gestured.
But it didn’t feel right yet, and Harika was a person who worked off of intuition more often than not. Her perceptions about people were almost always correct, so all she had to do was wait for a moment that felt right, and if it seemed like it should happen, she would go in for a kiss.
They split the bill and left the restaurant. Harika would have liked to pay for it, since she was the one who’d asked Ellie out—and she was aware that Ellie was having financial problems—but she didn’t want to spook her further.
Ellie seemed to become more clearheaded when they’d stepped outside for fresh air. The usual crowd of diners and barhoppers had come out, now that the boutiques were closing up for the night, though it was still early enough that there were a few joggers and dog walkers making their rounds.
Strands of lights crossed the streets, strung up from window to window, casting a magical ambiance over the place, and even the trees were lit up with white Christmas lights. Harika always wondered who bothered to put up this public décor. Whoever it was, she was thankful to them.
There wasn’t really anywhere to sit, but that was fine. Harika was taking her cues from Ellie, and Ellie seemed content to walk. The designer stopped in front of a pet store, which had a rescue puppy curled up in the window, asleep.
“Always have to stop for dogs, huh?” asked Harika.
Ellie turned to her. “Obviously.”
They watched the little guy’s chest rise and fall. He was curly haired and brown, oblivious to all the people on the sidewalk chattering and stopping to watch him. A fact sheet on the window said that he was from the Redwood County Animal Shelter and his name was Cocoa.
“You ever thought about getting another dog?” asked Harika.
“No. I like being able to just focus on Bella,” said Ellie. “You?”
“Are you kidding? Betsy wouldn’t allow it,” said Harika. “You’ve seen her.”
“Yeah. Why doesn’t she like Bella, anyway? Bella’s the most submissive dog I’ve seen, except for the incident that led to her leg,” said Ellie.
Now it was Harika’s turn to get flustered, as she remembered her line of thought. She’d hypothesized that Betsy was jealous of Harika’s attention being turned to Ellie, and was acting out by targeting Ellie’s dog. If only Betsy knew where Harika was now, she’d pitch a fit.
“I don’t know,” Harika said. “I mean, I have theories, but it’s unusual. She gets other dogs to know their place, but she doesn’t rag on them like that.”
“Poor Bella,” said Ellie, still watching the sleeping puppy. “It’s just been a month and she’s had bad luck making new friends.”
Harika’s heart sank. She couldn’t force Betsy to accept Bella, but this was a significant barrier to their getting together. She was thinking ahead quite a bit, she realized, but it was a practical concern. How could two people date if one of their dogs bullied the other?
“I think Betsy will get over it eventually,” said Harika. “She’ll snap out of it. I have no idea why she’s acting like that, but whenever she is aggressive toward a new dog, she chills out eventually.”
“I hope so,” said Ellie.
Hope so? Did she say that because she hoped Harika would continue to be in her life? Or was she just saying it because she wasn’t thinking straight?
Harika had to stop overanalyzing everything Ellie was saying, because it simply wasn’t productive.
Ellie glanced at her phone. “I think I should head home soon,” she said. “This has been great, though. It’s always nice to make new friends.” She smiled dopily.
Yeah, friends. Sure.
“Same,” said Harika. “Maybe we can hang out again.”
Ellie looked at her, but didn’t seem entirely at ease. She was probably thinking about how this whole evening had just confused her more. At least, that was what Harika was imagining. But if she wanted to make a move and set this relationship off on the right track—making it clear to Ellie that she wanted to be more than friends—she had to make a move.
“Which direction do you have to walk in?” asked Harika.
Ellie looked arou
nd for a moment, then gestured. “It’s a ten minute walk that way.”
“I can walk with you for a couple blocks,” said Harika. “Then I have to turn left. I live right in the heart of Lane Estates.”
“Cool,” said Ellie.
Now Harika had two blocks worth of time to figure out her move. If she went in for the kiss, and got rejected, well, at least Bella was fully cared for and the project was pretty much completed. They could go their separate ways and pretend they’d never see each other again.
Except Harika wouldn’t be able to forget Ellie. Those tattoos and the stories they held were ingrained in her memory now, and so was that bashful face with the bright eyes. No, Harika was past the point at which she’d become irrevocably changed by meeting Ellie. And besides, she’d remember the woman every time she looked at her own damn business card.
It was now or never. They’d reached Clarion Street, where Harika had to turn.
“I guess I’ll see you again,” said Harika. “We can hang out whenever you’re free.”
“Yeah,” said Ellie. She seemed to shrink into herself a little, like she was suddenly becoming shy. “Just let me know.”
Harika stepped closer and Ellie’s eyes widened. And then she just did it. She closed the gap between them, lightly pressing her lips to Ellie’s, closing her eyes when she made the connection, and placing a gentle hand on Ellie’s shoulder.
Harika had half-expected Ellie to pull away and scowl, startled and perhaps even violated. She’d anticipated every kind of negative reaction. What she didn’t expect was for Ellie to respond to the kiss as much as she was doing now.
Ellie sank into Harika’s arms, which went out to hold her closely. There wasn’t really any tongue, just hints of it—Harika slid hers over Ellie’s lips to tease her lightly, see if she could draw her out of her shell a little more. It was an experiment, was what it was—an experiment to see what was underneath the surface.