Diamond in the Ruff

by Cora Jay

  “I suppose.” Harika looked down glumly. She’d been so sure that she could date Ellie, be happy with her, not look at her like she was a project. But after that awkward kiss, she’d slept on the idea and realized that in the light of day, it didn’t hold up.

  Ellie had been so unaware of the idea that she could be gay—or put out gay vibes—that she’d confused the date for a friendly outing. How could Harika build a relationship out of that? Was she at a point in her life where she even wanted to teach someone how to accept themselves? Ellie seemed like she could get there, if she wanted, but it wasn’t Harika’s duty to help her along.

  Harika deserved the perfect relationship for her—she’d certainly spent enough time searching for one. She deserved a woman who was on the same level as her, and she was done with the “straight” girls who were confused.

  She felt for them, she really did. It was hard to be questioning whether or not you felt same gender attraction. But when it came to dating, Harika was allowed to be selfish. She had to keep reminding herself of that. She wasn’t someone whose purpose in life was to help Sapphic women discover themselves.

  But God, Ellie… She was mesmerizing. She was so lovely in her hesitance, in the fact that she was on the precipice of a great realization. It was practically what Harika lived for—helping people make their way down the cliff, and catching them safely when they arrived at the bottom.

  She should’ve been a damn therapist, with the way she was thinking. She had to repeat it to herself to make it sink in.

  I am not responsible for leading other peoples’ growth.

  Especially not at the expense of my own happiness.

  I deserve a woman who I am compatible with.

  But as much as she repeated these affirmations to herself, she couldn’t help what her heart was drawn toward, and more often than not, those people were people just like Ellie.

  “I just don’t think I have it in me to take on another… project,” she admitted.

  Shalini nodded sagely. “Not after Kyla?”

  “Not after Kyla,” said Harika, shaking her head.

  “No one would blame you,” said Shalini softly.

  Harika had been just like Ellie—hot, with no idea that she was gay. And she was totally, irrevocably gay. Not bisexual, but gay. Harika had tried way too hard to convince her of that. The sex had been damn hot. But in the end, Harika was scared. She let fear rule her—especially the fear of bringing Harika home to her parents.

  And so, she’d ghosted. She’d left Harika jarred, broken-hearted. They’d made plans to have dinner with the parents and everything. But no, Harika wasn’t worthy. That was how she felt, at least, until Shalini had come into her life, set her straight, and helped her focus on growing the clinic.

  The waiter came by the table just then, and they asked for separate checks. It was funny, people always thought that she and Shalini were siblings, even though they looked nothing alike. Shalini was Indian, with dark skin and dark eyes. Harika had lighter skin, and was half-Pakistani. It figured, in a town like Redwood Crossing, that people would make these assumptions.

  She tried not to let it bother her. People were nice, and that was what mattered. And Shalini was a blessing, even if Harika knew her grandparents would flip over the fact that she was close with an Indian woman.

  They split the check and Shalini gave her a hug before she left. They were cut from the same cloth, the two of them. Shalini had the same effect on Harika that she seemed to have on other people, and she could describe Harika the same way other people described her.

  Warm, empathetic, comforting. They were the same. Harika felt blessed that she had someone like Shalini in her life, and she hoped she at least somewhat managed to give her the same companionship and support she gave her.

  As Harika walked back toward her house, she couldn’t help but turn Shalini’s words over and over in her head. She hadn’t told Harika what to do, but she’d given her some good options, and she’d have to sleep on them.

  God, she just liked Ellie so much that the thought of not being with her was unbearable. But it would be foolish to fall into the same trap she’d fallen into before. Ellie was a great girl, but… great girls didn’t necessarily make great partners.

  She tried to take some deep breaths and immerse herself in her environment on the walk home. She paid attention to the details of the diners and drinkers who were out and about, wondering about their individual lives. With her perceptive eye, she could often catch little bits of body language that told a story.

  She should have been an anthropologist, maybe.

  A glint of color and a gray sweatshirt caught her eye, and she did a double take. Ellie. Ellie, sitting at a bar. A greyhound sat at her feet, tongue hanging out, a vacant expression on her face. It was Bella.

  And who was she with? She was with a man, a colorful type with wispy hair and expensive-looking clothes—there were plenty of those in Redwood County. But there was something odd about their interaction. He wasn’t a client, because they clearly had a strong sense of familiarity about them.

  Harika couldn’t help but stop to watch them for a little bit, wondering what was going on. Her intuition was telling her that there was a lot to this story, even though it looked like a perfectly casual conversation with a friend.

  The man was peppy—possibly one of the peppiest men Harika had ever seen. He was cheerful, but there was something fake about it, like he was masking negative emotions. It was forced. That much was easy to spot—people couldn’t hide their emotions very well from Harika.

  Ellie seemed a little uncomfortable; her hunched over body language made her seem withdrawn, and she was nodding, not participating as much in the conversation. But she did seem amused and interested in whatever the guy had to say. Her eyes were on him the whole time, a little wide, like he found him attractive.

  The man burst into laughter and touched Ellie’s forearm, making Harika bristle. Of course, Ellie wasn’t hers, but she couldn’t help the feelings of jealousy. Who was this man?

  Ellie seemed to stiffen a little more when he touched her, but the way he kept his hand there, lingering, seemed to suggest that he was very comfortable touching her. So comfortable in fact, that they might have been lovers, or partners, previously.

  The more Harika considered this theory, the more she realized that she was right. She had to be. She could always tell when two people had slept together, because they felt comfortable touching each other in a certain way. Ellie didn’t look as comfortable, but then, Harika couldn’t remember a time when Ellie didn’t seem particularly comfortable.

  Maybe this man was an ex-boyfriend. Or maybe he was a new love interest. Was that why she’d seemed so weird about the kiss? Was she dating two people at once? Harika’s thoughts became more and more irrational as her emotions started to get the better of her.

  She had to leave.

  Somehow, she managed to drag her eyes away from the train wreck and toward the sidewalk, and she started walking back to her house, eager to get away from the scene that was unfolding. They’d been drinking, so maybe that would explain the touchy-feeliness. Ellie hadn’t recoiled when he’d touched her, even though she had seemed nervous. But maybe she seemed nervous because she liked him.

  Harika wanted to scream when she remembered her conversation with Shalini. This was it. This was the sign from the universe. Ellie was straight. Or maybe she was “straight,” but she certainly wasn’t going to be dating Harika anytime soon, especially if she was reconnecting with exes or seeking out new lovers.

  A sick feeling rose in Harika’s stomach and she frowned. She needed to get home to Betsy stat, so she could sit on these feelings and process them. That was what she needed to do, and she couldn’t do it right here, in public.

  That was one thing she knew was important—feeling her emotions instead of repressing them. And when they’d cleared, after being stirred up by this discovery, maybe she’d be able to think straight and decide what she
wanted to do about Ellie.

  But as she turned the key in the front lock, her lips pursed with tension, and she had the sinking feeling that maybe, just maybe, Ellie was a lost cause. Did she really want to date someone who presented so many obstacles, no matter how endearing and physically appealing they might be?

  At least someone was happy to see Harika. Betsy reared up and scratched against her shins, yapping cheerfully. She bent down to scoop her up, and she immediately licked her face, infusing Harika with love. She felt herself relax her muscles as she basked in her attention, returning it with head scratches.

  Yep—at least there was Betsy. She’d be there for her while she sorted her emotions out, as she always had been.

  19

  Ellie

  The nice thing about living in a small town was that Ellie could bring Bella almost anywhere she wanted, which made errands more fun. She’d just finished mailing some print materials for a couple of other clients at the post office, and picked up some chocolates for her mother—her birthday was coming up—at a boutique. Bella was so well-behaved and polite that she totally charmed everyone she met.

  It was a good day so far, and now Ellie just had to get home and follow up on a lead she’d received. One of her previous clients had passed her information along to someone new, who had liked her portfolio.

  Maybe this client could pay this month’s rent.

  It was nice to feel hopeful about one thing, even when all the interpersonal relationships in her life had suddenly become confusing. She still didn’t fully understand what to do about Aaron and Harika, but a dichotomy had emerged in her mind, and she found herself clinging to it.

  Harika was warm and stable, where Aaron was cool and flighty. Harika made Ellie feel safe, and Aaron made her feel uneasy. But then, that had changed. Harika made her feel uneasy—but only because she represented a new path, a path where Ellie could live an authentic life. Following Harika would mean following her into a brave new world.

  Following Aaron offered her the chance to reconstruct her old life with him, complete with his company and their friends and all their old haunts. It was familiar, and it was now the safest option. It was profoundly tempting to Ellie’s complacency, and while it was a trait she hated in herself, it had served her so far.

  She admired people like Aaron and Harika who could effect change in their lives, even if, in the case of Aaron, it hadn’t worked out. At least he’d learned something from his experience.

  But what change had Ellie effected in her life? Apart from getting over the break up, she hadn’t learned a damn thing, and that was not how she wanted to proceed. But the problem with complacency was that her routine was so perfect the way it was. Why would she need to shake it up, if she wasn’t particularly dissatisfied?

  It didn’t matter, anyway, considering that she had to decide how to deal with both of them. She hadn’t had to make decisions like this in a long time, and it was an uncomfortable feeling. She didn’t have anyone to turn to—no close friends, and not her parents, who were good people, but who wouldn’t understand the intricacies of what she was going through.

  Plus, she didn’t feel like announcing to them that she might just be lesbian. They could learn that later, after she’d admitted it to herself—if that was something that had to happen.

  She was thinking hard, like she always did, as she walked down the sidewalk, when she caught a crisp scent of cologne and saw an impeccable silhouette. She looked up to see Aaron, who hadn’t spotted her yet. But then he looked up from his phone and saw Ellie, his face breaking out into an expression of delight, eyes wide and grin wider.

  “Hey!” he said, cheerful as ever. “How are you guys?”

  It was as if they hadn’t just had an hours-long conversation just a couple of days ago. Ellie was unnerved by Aaron’s behavior, but tamped down her reaction. She needed to get over herself.

  “Doing all right,” she said, holding up a shopping bag. “Just ran some errands.”

  “Nice,” Aaron said, bending down to see Bella. Ellie was used to this reaction, as pretty much everyone did it. Greyhounds were fairly unusual dogs, and a lot of people didn’t realize that they were so big and athletic-looking. After being charmed by Bella’s calm demeanor, they always wanted to pet her.

  But Bella wasn’t having any of Aaron’s affections. She blinked up at her former pet parent, almost skeptically. She seemed confused. Aaron had been gone for so long, and now he had suddenly returned. And he was being all gushy. It didn’t make sense in Bella’s doggie brain—Ellie could clearly see that.

  She couldn’t help but feel a little smug, knowing that Bella was truly hers. Aaron had never even been as interested in taking her on long walks or to the dog park, though because Ellie had been building her business, he had taken care of much of the vet bills and other expenses.

  “Bella, baby, it’s me,” cooed Aaron. “Don’t you remember me?”

  Bella blinked at him, and licked his hand perfunctorily.

  “Maybe we can hang out together and remember our old times,” said Aaron. “Remember how we used to go to the beach, just the two of us?”

  Even though the comment wasn’t directed at her, Ellie heard it, and alarm bells started ringing in her head. That was something that Aaron and Bella had enjoyed together. But Bella didn’t understand English, so it wasn’t like Aaron was getting through to her anyway.

  “Beach? Yeah, beach, baby! You do remember!”

  Wait a minute. Ellie looked down to see Bella getting steadily more excited as she remembered the word and what it meant.

  Aaron looked up at Ellie triumphantly. “She does remember! Maybe I can take her sometime.”

  She’s my dog now. Not a chance. Not until Ellie became more comfortable with the presence of Aaron in her life, anyway. He couldn’t just take her dog—her dog—and go gallivanting off to the beach.

  “Maybe,” she said coolly.

  Aaron sat up and frowned, Bella’s smiling, panting face forgotten. “What do you mean, maybe? It used to be our thing, just Bella and me. You don’t even like the beach.”

  That wasn’t completely true; Ellie did like the beach. What she didn’t like was her overwhelming propensity to burn within an hour of arriving, despite applying sunscreen religiously. That was why she hadn’t had a problem with Aaron and Bella going together, back when they all lived together.

  But how could she assert that Bella was totally her dog now, without making waves? Knowing Aaron, he wasn’t going to happy no matter what she said.

  “You just got back. And she’s my dog, anyway. Maybe we can bring her when we go with our friends,” said Ellie, trying her best to be diplomatic.

  “Your dog?” asked Aaron coldly, his typically pleasant expression morphing into something else—something Ellie didn’t want to stick around to see.

  “Yeah, she’s mine now. When you moved, you said you didn’t want her anymore.” She tried to speak calmly, because Aaron was quickly becoming anything but.

  “She’s ours.” Aaron folded his arms across his chest.

  Ellie’s heart beat faster. She didn’t want to get into an argument with Aaron, because experience taught her how that would go. The answer was: not well. She’d always backed down. But she wasn’t going to back down over Bella. Not her darling Bella.

  “I don’t really want to discuss this here or now,” said Ellie, pulling Bella’s leash closer. “Let’s maybe, uh, table the discussion. Bella is mine, and if you want to spend time with her, we can arrange something where I’m also present. Okay?”

  Aaron was irate, fists clenched, but he took a deep breath and nodded. “Fine.”

  That hadn’t been so bad. “I’ll see you later, Aaron,” said Ellie, quickly turning to go in the opposite direction, barely even looking to see if he said goodbye back.

  After a minute, she glanced back to see if he was gone. He was; Ellie couldn’t spot him anywhere. Whew. Bullet dodged.

  So what kind of game was he playi
ng, anyway? If Ellie were a more paranoid person, she’d have assumed that he wanted Bella back, which was not going to fly. She wasn’t giving up Bella, especially not to someone who had callously abandoned her in the first place.

  He couldn’t do anything to claim Bella, could he? Ellie racked her brain, trying to think of something. Maybe she could ask Harika. She’d know, or she’d know someone who could help. Ellie had to be proactive.

  But man, Aaron really wanted his old life back, and Ellie couldn’t tell why. It was so strange. She’d assumed that Aaron would want to turn over a new leaf, like anyone would, not try to collect all the pieces he’d left behind when he’d moved so abruptly, and assemble them into a semblance of his previous life.

  It just wasn’t going to be possible, though. Even if he managed to do it, it wasn’t the healthy thing to do. Ellie had moved on—or was trying to, at least, when it came to Harika—and she could only assume Tammy and the others had too.

  And underneath it all was the creeping realization that maybe, just maybe, Aaron wanted Ellie back and was just working up to it. She would be the final puzzle piece after all, to complete the picture of his old life. It wouldn’t at all surprise Ellie. After all, she hadn’t changed that much and surely he could see that.

  It’d be just like old times.

  Old times full of fights and manipulation and coercion. Not anything Ellie ever wanted to deal with. Aaron moving to New York had been one of the best things that had happened to her in recent memory.

  She had to focus on Harika. The path that lay ahead with her seemed like one filled with joy and potential happiness and true love. They had a connection, that was for sure.

  Ellie pulled out her phone and scrolled to find Harika’s number, hesitating. What would she even say? She thought about it for five whole minutes, almost running into several other shoppers on the sidewalk, until deciding on something nice and simple.

  Hey. Want to hang out again soon?