Take A Number: A Fake Dating Romantic Comedy

by Amy Daws

  “I wanted you.” Her voice cracks and breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces as her eyes turn red around the edges.

  My voice is hollow and emotionless when I reply flatly, “I’m not good for you.”

  She steps toward me, her lips trembling, lips I’ve kissed countless times, lips I want to kiss again as she asks, “Why do you think you’re not good for me?”

  “Because I’ll hurt you.” I force myself to look her in the eyes, and it’s painful. Like looking at the fucking sun.

  She draws in a long breath through her nose. “Why will you hurt me?”

  The muscle in my jaw tics incessantly as I swallow the knot in my throat, unwilling to utter the dark truths I know about myself. It’s better she doesn’t know. It’s better she forgets about me and thinks of me as an asshole for the rest of her life. It’ll be easier for both of us.

  When she realizes I’m not going to answer, she rubs her lips together and takes a step toward the bar door. “I’m going back inside with Nate because at least he can apologize and mean it.”

  She turns to walk away, and my voice is guttural when I whisper, “I do mean it.”

  “Dean! Are you in there? Dean!” A loud pounding on my front door causes the ringing in my head to start again.

  “Dean, open up!” More pounding…and maybe some kicking.

  “I have a spare key, one second.”

  I roll my eyes and shake my head as my two best friends have a conversation in front of my house about who deserves my spare key, and why don’t they both have spare keys, and whoever lives the closest should have the spare key because of emergencies, and since Kate spends all her time at Tire Depot, she thinks she’s considered closer even though she doesn’t live at Tire Depot, and by the time they get my front door open and step into my living room, I’m wishing I had a chain on my door.

  “What the hell?” Kate exclaims, finding me flopped in one of my beanbag chairs in the living room. “He’s alive.”

  Lynsey follows Kate and blinks back her shock. “We thought you were dead.”

  I roll my eyes and shake my head. “Why do you two go to death? You’re so dramatic.”

  “Because I haven’t heard from you since Kate’s wedding,” Lynsey says, her voice rising in in pitch. “One second, we’re doing the Macarena, and then next, you and Norah take off and you ghost me for six straight days. Why haven’t you answered my texts?”

  “Haven’t felt like talking.” I shrug and squint up at Kate. “Aren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon?”

  She rolls her eyes. “We’re waiting until it’s cold as balls for a honeymoon, remember? I told you we’re doing Hawaii in February.”

  “Oh yeah.”

  Kate’s eyes lower to the floor beside me. “What is that?”

  I make a move to shove the evidence behind me, having forgotten it was there, but Kate’s quick like a fucking ninja. She grabs the two boxes off the floor and shows them to Lynsey, who gasps like she’s on a telenovela.

  “Are those…gas station donuts?” Lynsey screeches like she’s just found heroin.

  “So what if they are?” I groan, pulling my glasses off and rubbing my eyes. It’s way too early in the morning for a dose of these two.

  “Dean!” they both peal in unison.

  Lynsey flops into the empty chair beside me and touches my arm. “Did you and Norah break up?”

  I jerk my head back and blink at her. “What makes you assume that?”

  Kate kicks my beanbag and answers for her. “Because you’re mowing down shitty donuts like a fucking caged animal when Norah makes the couture of pastries. Jesus. Tire Depot serves better stuff than this.”

  “What happened?” Lynsey asks with a gentle tone that is way too motherly.

  I stare at my television, and mumble, “Nothing.”

  “Did you two break up?” she asks again, clearly not giving up.

  “No.” I scoff and roll my eyes. “Not really.”

  “So, you’re still together then?” I glance over and see Lynsey smiling hopefully at me.

  “No, actually.”

  “We don’t have all day, Dean,” Kate snaps, standing in front of me with a murderous gaze. “Start talking or I’m going to start pouring out your IPA beers in the fridge.”

  I hit them with the truth. “Norah and I are no longer together because we were not technically a couple. It was all a lie.”

  “A lie? What do you mean?” Lynsey’s wide brown eyes are blinking at me like an innocent little Bambie.

  “Norah needed a date for her parents’ anniversary party. I needed an approved date for your wedding. Neither of us were interested in a relationship, so we used each other for fake dates.”

  “But you guys banged in Aspen,” Kate blurts out.

  I shrug. “It transitioned into something more than just fake dating.”

  “Like friends with benefits?” Lynsey asks.

  I flinch. “Something like that.”

  “Been there. It’s always messy.” Kate sits on the floor in front of me. “But I don’t get it…you and Norah weren’t fake.”

  “Yes, we were.”

  “No, you weren’t.”

  “Yes, we were.”

  “Dean,” Kate snaps, pinning me with her blue eyes. “I have a PhD in erotic romance, and you two were not faking a thing. You weren’t even faking orgasms. We could hear you guys in Aspen.”

  I press my lips together. “That last part is true…the rest. All fake.”

  “Bullshit,” Kate counters, shaking her head at me. “You two were the real deal. I’d even say you were in love.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I spit the words out through gritted teeth, hating she’s saying everything I’ve denied for days now.

  “No, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lynsey volleys back, her voice rising at the end. “God, Dean, you are so annoying sometimes.”

  “What the hell did I do to you?”

  “You let Norah get away when you’re clearly in love with her.”

  “I’m not in love with her, and I didn’t let her get away,” I growl and heave myself off my beanbag chair to get some fucking space from these two crazy women in my house. “Norah pushed me away. She’s buying out my investment in her bakery so she can get as much space between us as humanly possible.”

  “Seriously?” Kate asks, looking astonished from her spot on the floor. “Damn, that girl goes big. I’m impressed.”

  I shake my head in disgust. “She wants nothing to do with me anymore. She said she wants a real boyfriend and a real life with open possibilities. She’s going to France to stay with a friend for who knows how fucking long.”

  “So, go with her. Be with her,” Lynsey exclaims, and her hopeful naiveté makes me want to smother my face in a pillow.

  My voice is resigned when I reply, “No fucking way, Lynsey. I’d ruin her.”

  The room goes quiet as Kate and Lynsey gape at me for a long moment.

  “Why would you say that, Dean?” Lynsey asks, her voice grave.

  I pin her with a look. “You’ve met my parents, Lynsey.”

  Her chin juts out, and she shoots a knowing look at Kate. “He’s more messed up than we thought.”

  “Shit, you’re right,” Kate confirms, standing up and walking closer like she’s going to examine me. “I really thought setting him up with someone nice would fix him. Can you do therapy on him, Lyns?”

  “Doubtful. He’s too far gone.”

  “Guys, stop talking about me like I’m some charity case. I’m getting really tired of it.”

  Kate tsks. “You pretty much are.”

  “Jesus,” I groan and turn to walk into the kitchen and grab myself a beer. Who cares that it’s only ten o’clock in the morning? “Is it time for you guys to leave yet?”

  “We aren’t going until we fix this,” Kate says matter-of-factly.

  “There’s nothing to fix.” I stand at the counter that I c
an’t look at without thinking about Norah. “I can’t be Norah’s boyfriend, even if she still wanted me. I said some fucked-up shit to her, and I messed with her mind because selfishly, it felt good to be with her. I let my guard down and ignored all the signs that feelings were involved, which makes me a selfish prick because I knew our fake arrangement was ending.” I huff out a self-deprecating laugh. “God…I would have done my father proud.”

  “You are not your father, you big dumb idiot,” Lynsey bellows and holds her hand out to Kate for help out of the beanbag chair. Once Kate’s yanked her up, Lynsey stomps over to me with her hands on her hips. God, she really is a mom now. “Dean, you are the warmest, most generous guy I know…I mean, my husband is great, but he’s a solid fifty percent dickhead, and I still love him like crazy. You have a much lower dick ratio than Josh, so you certainly deserve love too.”

  Kate laughs knowingly. “She’s not lying, Dean. And you tolerate your mother like a fucking saint. I would have bagged off on her years ago if I were you.”

  “She’s my mom,” I state defensively through clenched teeth.

  “I know, but give yourself some credit. She’s a toxic relationship for you, yet you grin and bear it, treating her with so much unconditional love and respect. You are amazing.”

  “I feel sorry for her. I mean, Jesus, look what blind love did to her. She’s so bitter she can’t hold down a functional relationship. If I turned into that or, God forbid, I turned Norah into that…I’d never be able to forgive myself.” The image of Norah turning into my mother slices through me like a knife.

  “Dean,” Lynsey groans, pain evident in her voice. “You are not your mother or your father. You are your own person. Just as Kate and I are our own persons. Do you look at the two of us and think our marriages are going to fail?”

  “No,” I huff honestly. “You guys found unicorns or whatever. Kate, you love Miles’s macho alpha male, jealous bullshit, and Lynsey, you’re the perfect antidote for Dr. Dick’s psycho intensity.”

  “And you pulled Norah out of her shell more than I’ve ever seen her,” Kate states sincerely as she pins me with a serious look. “I’ve seen Norah at Rise and Shine Bakery for years, and she’s never looked as happy as she did when she was with you. You two were in your own little world. It was adorable. And she really cut loose with us girls in Aspen. I mean, when she put that mint oil on her vajayjay, I swear to God, I almost peed my pants.”

  “I did pee my pants,” Lynsey confirms with a giggle. “Having a baby totally messed up my bladder control. But the wet pants were worth it because we had so much fun with Norah.”

  I shake my head sadly because I knew she would fit in with my friends without even trying. But it doesn’t silence that voice in my head that says, “But what if I hurt her?”

  “It might happen,” Kate says urgently as she walks over and grabs my arm so I look at her. “Both Lynsey and I have had moments where our relationships looked like they were doomed. But have you forgotten that you were the guy helping us put it all back together?”

  I cringe as I think back to that stupid carburetor Kate, Lynsey, and I drove up into the mountains to find for Miles when Kate had screwed up royally with him. And hell, I took a punch to the face from Dr. Dick on Lynsey’s behalf, so I guess it’s easier for me to help them with their problems than it is for me to accept their help with my own.

  “We’ll help you through all the bumps, Dean,” Kate adds, pinning me with so much sincerity I almost can’t believe it’s her. “Because every day you give your heart to someone, there’s a chance you won’t get it back. But every time they give you their heart in return…it makes the risk totally worth the reward. We all take risks with love every day.”

  “God, that was beautiful.” Lynsey sighs.

  “I’m a writer,” Kate says firmly.

  I shake my head at her ridiculousness. “What if it’s too late? She’s doing everything she can to stay away from me. She’s going to fucking Paris for a few months.”

  “Then go with her. Or wait for her. Or do long distance. But don’t let her go and meet a hot, sexy Parisian man and come home with a guy who has a bigger baguette than yours.”

  “God, did you have to paint that visual?” Lynsey cringes with her nose wrinkled.

  “Yes. I told you, I’m a writer,” she deadpans.

  “So, what can I do then?” I ask, trying to redirect their focus because I’m starting to feel something intense in my gut that might have been there all along, but I ignored it because I didn’t realize what it was every time I looked at Norah. Grandpa always said your gut knows what your head hasn’t figured out yet.

  “Her grand opening is tomorrow, right?” Kate asks, turning away and beginning to pace in my kitchen.

  “Yeah, and she has a TV interview in the morning she wanted me to go with her to until I fucked everything up.”

  Kate rubs her hands together conspiratorially. “In a romance novel, that’s the perfect moment for an epic grand gesture. Who’s ready to plot?”

  “Okay, the chamber of commerce people are going to be here for the ribbon cutting any minute. Places everyone,” I call out to the staff we’ve hired to help for the grand opening today.

  It’s nearing four o’clock, and our grand opening celebration is from four until six, starting with a ribbon cutting, a short welcome speech by me, and then free croinuts for the first hundred people who walk in the door.

  “Oh my God, Norah, the line of people is wrapped around the building now! There has to be over a hundred out there.”

  “I told you to stop updating me about the line, Rachael,” I exclaim and begin to fan my face to stop the crazy lip sweat that’s forming. “I’m sweating like a pig here. I knew Denver was going to be bigger than Boulder, but I didn’t know it would be like this.”

  “The sweat is giving you a nice sheen because you look beautiful, girl,” Rachael says, appraising my white pantsuit. “This is what you wore for your TV segment earlier, right? How did that go? We were too busy here to watch.”

  “It was amazing,” I squeal excitedly, forgetting all manner of professionalism on a day like today. “I made fresh croinuts on camera. And the hosts and I had great chemistry. The producer said they are sending a TV crew out to film the ribbon cutting to air on their five o’clock news.”

  “Holy shit, a morning segment and an evening news segment? That’s incredible,” Rachael exclaims, looking as excited as I am.

  “I know.” I exhale and try to collect myself. “How’s the staff doing? Everything ready to go, you think?”

  “Yep, Zander is cracking the whip. The first fifty croinuts are ready, and the next are on the fly.”

  “Okay, but we’re still—”

  “Having everyone take a number for the full experience. We got it, boss!”

  I huff out a laugh and hit Rachael with a meaningful look because she’s become so much more than my right-hand lately. She’s become my closest friend through the whole Dean fiasco. “I could not do any of this without you. I’m sorry I’ve been so up and down lately.”

  “Don’t apologize for living your life.” She waves me off as she heads back toward the kitchen to help out. “You worked hard to enjoy today, so try to relax. Go have some coffee.”

  “Good idea,” I call back as she disappears. My heels clunk on the freshly waxed black and white tiles as I make my way behind the counter to pour myself a drink. I need it after the mania of today.

  The TV interview did go great this morning, but what I didn’t tell Rachael was that I had a stupid girly dream last night that Dean would show up at my segment and just…be in the audience watching. In my dream, his presence was his apology, and he walked up to me in the middle of filming and told me he loved me.

  Then I woke up and realized it was all a dream. I live in reality, and the reality is, Dean doesn’t want me. Fake dating each other was a harebrained idea, and I should have known it would end in heartbreak.

  But even with th
e pain I feel in my chest every time I think of him, I can’t help but be grateful this heartbreak inspired some changes in my life. Changes I’m crazy excited about. Rachael is taking over Boulder while I get Denver up and running. The manager I hired here seems charged and ready to take over once I head to Paris. Things are going to be okay.

  “Hey, Norah,” Max’s voice calls out from the front door, and I swerve over to see him striding toward me. He does a wide gesture around the space, stepping out of the way of one of our workers doing a last-minute wipe down of the tables. “Wow…this looks amazing.”

  “I know, right?” I reply with a smile and make my way around the counter to join him. “It really came together. It’s got the Boulder feel but with a more commercial, edgy punch. Should be a good dummy for the franchise portfolio.”

  “Definitely,” he says with a smile as his eyes widen. “Did you see that line outside?”

  He hooks his thumb behind him making me cringe and force myself to avoid the windows. “I quit looking outside an hour ago. The bigger the line gets, the more my heart tries to crawl into my throat. It’s in survival mode right now.”

  Max laughs at that. “Well, you have about forty of your personal guests all waiting outside in that roped-off area, and the chamber people said they are ready when you are, so I can escort you out whenever you say the word.”

  He has a peculiar look in his eye, and I know why. “Dean didn’t sign the contract, did he?” I clench my teeth and shake my head in frustration. “He had to ruin this day, didn’t he? I wanted to cut that ribbon and tell that crowd out there that this place is mine. This concept, this idea is all mine and that I didn’t need him…or anybody else to…ugh! It doesn’t matter. Today is a good day, and I’m not going to let him spoil it.”

  Max pulls a cream envelope out from behind his back. “Actually, he signed it.”

  My lips part as pins and needles erupt over my entire body. “He did?”

  “Yep. With your original terms and everything.”

  With shaky hands, I take the envelope and glance at the contract, hating the fact that my chin is trembling. I frown at Dean’s familiar handwriting and hate that this moment isn’t making me jump for joy. Tears form in my eyes, and I do my best to push them away. “I don’t know why I’m sad right now.”