by Ava Harrison
“I-I …” She seems flustered by my words. “I never thought of it like that. But I guess you’re right.”
“Trust me, I understand. I’ve never really had anyone. I was also left by choice. I trusted no one. My brother, a bit, but not for a long time.”
“Why? What happened there? You seem to really have loved your brother.”
“It’s a long, complicated story.”
“I have time.” She gives me a warm smile. “A lot of time.”
A part of me wants to tell her. Another part wants to push it down and pretend that part of my life never happened.
The thing is, as I look at her large blue eyes, the ones that say I can talk to her, that I can unburden myself to her, I really want to.
“Damian hated me when he died.” Saying the words out loud feels like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’ve never admitted that to anyone. Never admitted I knew, or that I cared.
The truth is, I had no one to tell. Besides my brother, I had no one. Ever.
The pain of his death feels like a sucker punch to my heart. It feels like the walls of the cave are closing in.
“Why did he hate you?” she asks, her voice low and unsteady.
“There was this girl.”
“Isn’t there always?” she mumbles.
“We all grew up together. My brother was only one year older, but as I said before, he was the one who was supposed to take over. My father was grooming him. This girl was the daughter of my father’s closet business partner. They had this dream to combine businesses. An agreement was set. The families would join.”
“An arranged marriage.”
“I know it must sound crazy, but that’s the way most families in this line of work handle things. They need to know they can trust the person they bring into the mix. It was understood that Grace would marry my brother, Damian. It was fine when we were children, and the older we got, it was all my brother ever wanted. But for Grace, it wasn’t. She wanted to marry into my family, but—” I stop and take a deep breath. “Just not to him.”
“She loved you.”
“She did. She was relentless. Anytime I was home, she would come find me. She wanted to be with me, but my brother was so in love with her.”
“She only had eyes for you.” I nod at her statement.
“The thing is …” I swallow through the lump in my throat. “When we were young, after one of the many times I was forced to survive in the wilderness alone, Damian was sent to retrieve me. I was hungry, delusional. I was feral.”
“What happened?”
“I sliced his face with a knife.” Lifting my hands, I cover my face—another thing to feel guilt over. The guilt I have inside me is suffocating.
“You were a kid. That wasn’t your fault.”
“Damian never saw it that way, and after that moment, neither did Grace. She couldn’t look at him. It got worse as we got older. She hated to look at him and wasn’t attracted to him. She only wanted me. I tried my best to let her down easy, but one day it all came to a head. She tried to kiss me, and I pushed her off. I told her she was to marry my brother. She said she would never marry him.”
“I was a dick. I laughed in her face. I didn’t know,” my voice cracks.
“What didn’t you know?”
“She didn’t want him and claimed she only loved me. She didn’t want to live a life married to a man she didn’t love. She didn’t want to marry a monster.”
“That’s what she said?”
“Yeah.”
“What did she do?”
I stand from where I’m sitting and start to pace. I’m surprised when Phoenix rises too, and this time, it’s her hands that wrap around my middle from behind.
“What did she do?” she presses, not letting go. Stubborn, stubborn dove.
“She committed suicide.”
Phoenix inhales sharply. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“No one knows of my rejection. No one knows what happened.”
“But I don’t understand …”
“She blamed me in her letter. Like an ultimate fuck you for rejecting her. But the problem was, she made it seem like I hurt her, that she couldn’t live with what I did …”
“And he blamed you.”
“He blamed me for hurting who he saw as his fiancée. For making her take her own life from grief. Damian used to have this quote he would say. ‘Only the dead have seen the end of war.’ He was right. Grace was the only one who knew what her death would bring.”
“Why didn’t you explain?”
“At first, I tried, but he wouldn’t hear me, so lost in his grief, and then he hated me, so there was no point. It was my word against his dead love. Nothing I could say would bring her back. I didn’t want to tell him she chose death rather than be with him.”
“You played the villain to keep him from getting hurt.”
We both fall silent, her arms still wrapped around me. I can feel her heart beating against my back.
“You were right,” I whisper after a minute.
“Right about what?”
“When you called it my tarnished empire. It always has been, long before I even made the decision that would ultimately lead to my brother’s death, it was broken.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“It feels like it.”
“You were being a good brother. Through all of this until the end … you were being a good brother.”
When I don’t answer, she turns me around.
She places her hands on my shoulders, and I look down at her.
“You are a good man.”
“I’m not.”
“I beg to differ. Trust me on that, I would love to be in the Hate Alaric camp.”
“How can you say that? Look at where we are. You’re here because of me.”
“I’m here because I got this crazy idea to snoop, and you decided to be a dick and not let me get away with it.”
“I’m a dick.”
“Yeah, you are. But every now and then, you do something that redeems you …” She pinches her fingers. “Just a little.”
“That’s good to know. And here I thought I was a full dick.” She lets out a laugh and continues to hold me to her.
I take a deep breath. “He went crazy after that. Drinking. Drugs. He fell off the radar and abandoned us. He went so off the rails that my father changed his will. When my dad died, he left me everything …”
Anger rises in my lungs as I think about the next part. I shouldn’t tell her the rest and just leave it at that, but I don’t.
“He came back. He forgave me … He wanted to be a part of the business. He wanted to be my brother. He wanted me to give him a chance, to trust him and I did. I sent him in my place.”
I turn and look at Phoenix. Her face looks pale, and she’s nibbling her lip.
“He went in my place to a meeting with my competitor.”
“My dad—”
“Yes, your dad. Damian went to the meeting in my place, and he never came back. There was a bomb.” My voice cracks and I can’t go on. I can’t talk about that day anymore.
“I-I …”
“Don’t.” I lift my hand to stop. “There is nothing you can say, so please don’t. Not now.”
She surprises me when she finally speaks. “I’m sorry.”
No words leave my mouth.
“I’m so sorry,” she says again, and this time, she raises on her tiptoes and places a kiss on my back. “It might not be the same, but I know what it is to lose your only family. To not have anyone in the world who belongs to you.”
Her words have me turning. When I’m standing in front of her, I look into her large blue eyes. Like the endless ocean, I could get lost in those eyes if I let myself, and right now, that’s exactly what I want to do. Get lost in her.
I lean down.
Our mouths meet, but unlike every time before, this isn’t rushed. This isn’t a frenzy of kisses. No, this is s
oft. This is me bleeding in front of her. Me finally letting go of the guilt and hurt I have felt over the years, and this is her showing me the light.
She wraps her arms around me and gently pulls me to the ground. Neither one of us even attempts to rid ourselves of our clothes. We just kiss, and somehow, it’s exactly what I need.
When I wake up the next day, we are both dressed and still lying entangled with each other.
She moves in my arms and then lifts up to see me. She looks like a goddess looking down from Heaven, and after last night, I’m not sure she isn’t. “Hi,” she whispers.
I rise and place my lips on hers.
“Morning,” I groan against her mouth. “Are you hungry?”
“Has it stopped raining?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Should we find out?”
“We should, but first, I want to do what I didn’t do last night.”
“And what pray tell is that?” she jokes.
“I want to ravish you one more time before we get to work.”
She removes her clothes and looks up with sultry eyes, spreading her legs to give me a perfect view.
She’s breathtaking, captivating, ethereal.
The need to consume courses through my veins.
A sweet elixir tempting me.
One taste will never be enough.
I don’t know how long I devour her, or how long I find peace in her body, but by the time we are both spent, I know it’s time for us to both eat food and get dressed.
We don’t talk while we nibble on fish, or when we walk out of the cave. Nor do we speak as we head back to the beach.
The landscape around us has changed since the storm. Tipped over trees. Scattered branches. The ground is soft with mud. We would never have survived this without the cave’s protection. We keep walking while I cut through the debris with my knife.
It takes longer than usual to make our way back to the lagoon where I taught her how to fish.
The weather isn’t great, and the water is choppy, but we are running out of food, so we have no choice.
Phoenix stays to the shallow parts, and I go deeper.
The sun still isn’t out. The sky is still darker than what I would like, but we should be able to leave in the next day or two.
A part of me wants to stay after last night and live in this bubble a little while longer. But it’s time to go home.
Across the water, there is a small pile of fish forming near where Phoenix stands. It’s a bigger pile than one would imagine for a newer fisherman. Impressive actually. She’s right.
She is a phoenix. It doesn’t matter what happens to her or what challenges life throws at her, she rises.
The pile of fish is a testament to that.
“You ready?” I shout from my position.
My pile isn’t large, but my catch is bigger.
“Yep!” she hollers back.
The fish are still on my stick as I walk over to her.
“Are you done for the day, or do you want to look for fruit?”
“Since we are out, we might as well. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?”
Again, she’s right.
The future isn’t certain.
We could face a war on the ocean. And as Damien used to always say, “Only the dead have seen the end of war.”
I hope that’s not the case.
37
Phoenix
Six days have gone by since that night with Alaric. The night he told me everything. The night he purged his guilt.
It wasn’t his fault that his brother died, but I’ll never be able to tell him that.
He would never let me say that.
A part of me doesn’t understand the story. My father might be a lot of things, but if he called for a meeting, he is not the type of man to double-cross you.
He reminds me of Alaric in that sense.
Alaric was honest about my part in this from the beginning. He was even honest with my father when he brokered what should have been the trade of my life for his. My father is the same way.
He wouldn’t set up a meeting under false pretenses.
There’s no way.
I know I can’t bring it up, though. With today being the day we leave, I can’t risk Alaric’s mental state.
We both need to be on our A game.
It’s risky. But I trust him. If he believes there is a shot, I know there is.
As much as I have grown to enjoy the moments I’ve spent in his arms, I know we can’t stay here.
These past weeks have been the best in my life. To some, that might sound strange, but that doesn’t stop it from being true. It’s not just the sex, either. Yes, we’ve had more sex than I can even count, but it’s more than that. We talk. I’ve opened up to him about myself, and more importantly, he’s opened up to me.
Alaric and I aren’t much different in the end. We are kindred spirits, each living through a profound loss and growing into the people we are today.
It hurts my heart to leave this place after all we have been through together.
I think it’s been at least two weeks since we arrived, but the days have blended, so I’m not sure if it’s closer to three. Despite not wanting to go home, I know it’s time. No one is looking for us now, so this will be our only shot.
A part of me wants to tell him I’ve changed my mind, and we should stay. That’s not in the cards for us, though.
We wouldn’t make it more than a few months. And what if something went wrong? What if one of us got hurt?
Yes, there is a good chance we will die, but at least we are making one last stand.
If we die, we die on our terms.
Or at least that’s what I tell myself as I watch Alaric load the raft.
He’s arranging the supplies and pulling out the red canopy that comes with it, just in case we head into rain. Better to set it up now than in the middle of a storm.
The paddles that Alaric whittled are in the raft.
I didn’t even know what whittling was until I met Alaric. I didn’t know how to pick fruit and not die, or how to fish, or even how to start a fire.
In the few short weeks we have been here and the month I have known him, Alaric Prince has changed my life.
And I would like to think he’s changed me for the better.
A lot can still happen, but if I die today, I know my life is better because of him.
Some might say I’m crazy.
That he kidnapped me.
He never kidnapped me, though, because I stowed away on his boat. Maybe my brain is messed up, or maybe I’m confusing things, but I don’t hate him, and I don’t blame him.
He saved my life, and I will forever be in his debt for that.
What will happen to my dad?
I’m not sure. We might not even live long enough to find out.
Our only worry needs to be living.
We will face the rest when we need to.
“You ready?” His deep voice cuts through my thoughts, and I turn to look at him.
“Not yet.” His brow lifts in confusion. I take a step up to him, and when I’m close enough to touch him, I reach out. He gives me his hands, and I take a deep breath. This is harder than I thought it would be to say, but I need to do this. “There is one more thing I want, no need, to do before we go.”
Now, he looks even more perplexed by my weird rambling. I’m not sure how to explain this to him, but since honesty is our policy, I blurt it out.
“Teach me how to fire a gun.”
Alaric’s head cocks to the side as he studies me. He’s never asked about my previous aversion to learning, and he doesn’t ask now. That’s the thing about him, he understands what I need, and he gives it to me. No questions asked.
“Come stand here.” With my hand still in his, he leads me away from the raft and toward the open sand in the opposite direction. He’s probably worried that I’ll accidentally shoot a hole in it. I don’t put that past me. Ala
ric and I haven’t had the best of luck.
Once I’m at the correct location, Alaric steps behind my body, and his hand reaches out to guide me.
The air is heavy around us, my untold story lingering between us.
And I decide right then and there that I want to tell him everything, purge my soul, show him my truth.
“Thank you for not asking before.” My heart starts to beat at a faster clip as Alaric places the gun in my hand. The cold metal sends a chill up my spine despite the heat.
“You can do this,” Alaric says from behind me. His words tickle my ear right before he kisses the nape of my neck.
I’m not sure if he’s talking about shooting or finally voicing what happened that day so many years ago.
I choose the latter.
“The day my parents died …” I pause, trying to find my words.
“You don’t have to tell me more.”
“That’s the thing, I don’t have to, but I want to. I want you to know all of me.”
His lips place another kiss on my bare skin. “Then I’m listening.”
“I could have stopped it. They were being shot at, but I could have stopped it. There was a gun. I-I …” A sob breaks through me. A cry I have been holding onto since I was a little girl. “I had the gun, and my parents, they begged me to shoot.”
“It’s not your fault. You were a child.”
“I froze. Don’t you understand? I froze. I had the gun in my hand, and instead, I watched them die.”
His hand lifts and turns my jaw to face him.
“It’s not your fault. You need to forgive yourself.”
Looking into his eyes, I see his own feeling mirrored in him. He’s struggling with the same guilt as me. A deep-seated guilt that leaves a stain on your soul.
A stain that will only go away with forgiveness.
Inhaling deeply, I pull in the oxygen around me. I breathe in the warm salty beach air. Then I exhale. “I’m ready.”
“Me too,” he whispers, his eyes darker than normal, filled with years of pain begging to be released as well.
With his help, I aim the gun, wrapping my fingers around the trigger.
“Strength is struggling but refusing to surrender. You got this, Phoenix. You are the strongest woman I know.”
I allow my eyes to close for a beat, and when they open, I gather all the strength inside me to push past all the resistance.