The Last Original Wife

by Dorothea Benton Frank

  Next we have Paolo, who also looked like a dummy. There were Alicia and Suzanne, as beautiful as two young women could ever be, flirting with my crazy-ass son, Bertie, who may not be so crazy after all if he could hold their interest. And Paolo? He was still mad with his girls, but I know—because I saw him having lunch at the Ritz—that he’s already dating another girl and this one’s even younger. Meanwhile, he’s still plotting like the CIA for how he’s going to get even with his daughters.

  I said, Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is no time to quarrel! Les was right about this too, that this was Molly and Shawn’s wedding and we should all rally to make sure this is a happy memory for all parties involved. Harold should be grateful to Danette that she pulled all these festivities together and Paolo would be well advised to realize his girls were going to despise anyone he dated who seemed the least bit inappropriate.

  And I saw the crowd at the brunch today and figured the bill is probably at around eight to ten thousand dollars if it was seventy-five dollars a head, which it probably was because I glanced at a menu and did some quick math. You know what? Suddenly, I didn’t even mind. Les was right again. She and I are Harold and Danette’s oldest friends, and it’s absolutely the right thing for us to host a nice party for them. After all, what’s money for? I couldn’t take it with me, but if today didn’t go right, Les might take it with her! And even if she didn’t, was I supposed to leave it all to the kids? That made no sense! Nah! Better to enjoy it a little.

  I almost missed the whole wedding because of traffic and because I couldn’t find my studs, but I got there just in time. Everyone was already inside a private room having cocktails and chatting away. I slipped through the bar to take a shortcut to the party, and to my utter and complete shock, there were Lisette and Cornelia sitting up at the bar drinking some kind of pink cocktails in double martini glasses. Cosmopolitans, I think. They were dressed in provocative short dresses and high-heeled shoes, but this was nothing new for them. However, this could only mean one thing—trouble. Cornelia caught my eye, and I knew I had to say hello.

  “Well, hello, ladies! What a surprise to see y’all here today!”

  “Hi, Wes,” Cornelia said and offered her cheek for me to peck, which I did.

  “We still have signing privileges,” Lisette said, and I pecked her cheek as well.

  “And why not?” I said. Hell, it was none of my business who signed on Harold’s and Paolo’s accounts, but Les was right that Lisette was a dimwit. What a thing to say! “But you do know that Molly’s wedding is in the ballroom in just minutes?”

  “Of course,” Cornelia said. “We just wanted to take a sneak peek and then wish her well, if there’s a moment that seems like it wouldn’t cause a stir.”

  “The last thing we want is trouble,” Lisette said. “Right, Cornelia?”

  “Right,” Cornelia said and bobbed her head in the affirmative. “I just love weddings. That’s all.”

  “No, I didn’t mean to imply anything!” I said and thought, Yes, I did. I thought I may have detected a slight slur in their speech. Nah, I told myself, they’re nice girls. They’re not really going to start any kind of nonsense, are they?

  “Listen, how’s this? I’ll let Molly and Shawn know y’all are here and I’m sure they’ll come out and say hello. Anyway, I have to rush or Charlotte will kill me if I miss Holly going up the aisle. See y’all in a bit?”

  “Sure!” Cornelia said and waved her fingers in a toodle-ooo.

  Oh no, I thought. Now, I was no psychic, but I knew when something bad was afoot. How could I stop them from crashing the wedding? That must’ve been why they were here! Why else would they be here? To sell Avon? No, they were here to start trouble and they were gassing up on vodka to fortify their nerve. Is this what the world had come to? Great, just great. There was no dignity anymore.

  Harold, Danette, Molly, and Shawn were all sequestered with the rest of the bridal party, which included Bertie, Charlotte (to overlook Holly), Suzanne, and Alicia. This was the last thing they needed to hear at that moment. I hurried along, and as I got to the room where the cocktails were being served, people were leaving to go to the room where the service would be held. Paolo was nowhere in sight.

  I hurried to the chapel and searched for Les and Harlan, spotting them almost right away. I rushed down the aisle to them and entered the row, taking a seat next to Les.

  “Doesn’t the room look beautiful?” Les said.

  “I don’t know. It looks like a wedding. Where’d you get that dress?”

  “I bought it.”

  “Oh. Well, it looks really nice.”

  “Thanks.”

  I looked her over. “And that pin? I hope it’s fake.”

  “It is.”

  “Well, it looks good. Listen, Les, I think there’s trouble on the horizon.”

  “What’s the matter?” she said.

  “What’s going on?” Harlan said.

  Oh, now he had to know everything too? But wait, I told myself, be nice to Harlan.

  “Maybe I can help in some way?” Harlan continued.

  “Cornelia and Lisette are in the bar getting hammered.” I said this in a low whisper and I was pretty sure no one else heard me besides Les and Harlan. “We can’t let them ruin the wedding.”

  The crowd continued pouring in like molten lava, moving quickly until nearly all the chairs were filled.

  “Oh, dear!” Les said, obviously disturbed. “But what can we do?”

  “Did you tell security?” Harlan said.

  “No. That’s an excellent idea!” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Wait,” Les said, “too late.”

  As I got up to leave, the music rose and Shawn, his best man, and the minister appeared on the makeshift altar, which was surrounded by thousands of white flowers. (Glad I didn’t have to pay that bill!) And it was that kind of music I hate with a purple passion—all fruity violins and a flute. Then here came Shawn’s mother on the arm of a groomsman, walking slowly with Shawn’s father behind them. Next Danette walked slowly up the aisle on the arm of my Bertie, of all people, with Nader trailing behind her. I remembered right then that Bertie had an offer from CNN. But as far as the angry women who were perhaps about to do something disastrous? It was too late. I couldn’t stop the wedding procession. I took a deep breath.

  “Right after the ceremony,” Harlan said, “and I’ll go with you. Don’t worry.”

  I thought, He doesn’t give a rat’s fanny about this. He just wants to get his money’s worth out of this wedding like an old yenta. Well, actually, so did I. Maybe Harlan wasn’t so bad.

  “Que sera sera,” Les whispered. “Now, calm yourself down or you’ll give yourself a stroke.”

  I saw Les smile out of the corner of my eye, and I hoped it was because she was proud of me. It was good for her to see me attempting to do something heroic. Well, maybe heroic is too strong a word, maybe gallant is better. As soon as this ceremony was over I was going to find security and tell them the situation. It would be okay. I felt better.

  “You look good in red,” I said to her.

  “Thanks,” she said. “Are you flirting with me?”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  We stood when the music swelled, and here came the bridesmaids followed by my little Holly Doodle walking very slowly, dropping rose petals and smiling. When she passed us, Les had tears rolling down her cheeks. She loved Holly so much. So did I. And our little Holly was so pretty. I took Les’s hand in mine and squeezed it. She didn’t jerk it away, which I took as a good sign.

  Finally, the moment arrived and here came Harold with Molly on his arm. The father of the bride looked terrific. And Molly looked like an angel.

  “I’ve known her since she was just a little girl and now she’s all grown up,” Les said as she continued to quietly weep.

  I handed her a tissue. Since she’d left I’d had to use tissues.

  I leaned over to Les and Harlan and said as quietly as I
could, “He’s doing pretty good considering he just had surgery.”

  “Oh, no! What happened?” Les said and Harlan leaned in to hear.

  “He had a pump sewn into his, you know, his um . . . johnson.”

  “Good grief!” Les said in a normal tone of voice, and half the guests turned around. Then she whispered. “Why?”

  “I’ll explain it to you later,” I said. I forgot that Les didn’t know about the world.

  “If I’d known, I would’ve sent flowers,” Harlan said, deadpan.

  Even I had to chuckle at that.

  CHAPTER 26

  Les—The Bare Truth

  I was so embarrassed by what Wes told me that Harold had done to himself I thought I would pass out right on the floor. What was the matter with these men? We could talk about that until the end of time. Instead, I concentrated on Molly and what a magnificent bride she was, a confection of tulle and lace as she floated up the aisle and on Holly, my little treasure, carefully dropping rose petals right and then left. It was all simply magical, the bridesmaids in gray silk with pearls and pink flowers in their hair and pink and white bouquets. The groomsmen, so young and handsome in their tuxedos, wondering which of them would be next. And the profusion of flowers cascading everywhere, and everything and everyone glowing in the pale gold warmth of a thousand candles. It was very traditional and classic and simply spectacular.

  As Molly and Shawn said their I dos, her voice quivered with emotion and his was strong and firm, as though he couldn’t wait to let everyone know he intended to marry her forever. It was a very moving ceremony.

  As soon as Molly and Shawn were pronounced man and wife, Wes and Harlan slipped out through the side aisle in search of security before the newlyweds even came back down the aisle. I sighed in relief. Where was Cornelia’s and Lisette’s pride? How could they show their faces here and on this day especially? Wes was right. They were up to no good. I couldn’t help but wonder what evil they had cooking in their tiny little peanut-sized brains.

  I moved slowly along with the throng as we all made our way to the ballroom, thinking it was the sweetest wedding I had been witness to in years and certainly the most beautiful. Suddenly in that moment, I felt maternal pangs. All I wanted then was for Bertie and Charlotte to find someone to love. It wasn’t about getting married necessarily, although I would love for Holly to have a stepfather. I just didn’t want my children to be lonely. Loneliness leads to despair and then depression, and I just couldn’t stand to think about my children feeling so blue or having no partner for them. Though I liked the way Harry Chen and Charlotte deferred to each other. Maybe something would come of it. And I thought it was curious that both of Harold’s daughters were flirting with Bertie. You never know. I loved my Bertie like a wild woman, but with that hair of his? Well, the old saying about beauty and the eye of the beholder had never been truer. Ironically, I had just discovered that being alone didn’t necessarily mean you’d be lonely and now I was wishing for committed relationships for my children. Motherhood rots your brain.

  As soon as we all reached the ballroom, everyone picked up the little cards that indicated our seating assignments, but I put ours back on the hospitality table so Harlan and Wes could find me without a problem. We were all seated at Table Five, which was just opposite the long table that had been set up for the wedding party and the parents of the bride and groom.

  The band was playing and Danette was right—they were incredible. And this wasn’t a band—it was an orchestra. There was even a horn section and they were playing “The Way You Look Tonight.” For some reason, every time I heard that song my eyes welled up with tears. But I’d already shed a few tears during the ceremony, and I wasn’t going to shed any more and ruin my makeup. Maybe I was particularly sensitive because my own marriage was evaporating.

  I didn’t hate Wes and I wasn’t really angry either. Exasperated but not angry. And, in the interest of full disclosure, Wes and I had not been like man and wife in years, except once on Valentine’s Day a few years ago when he realized that he forgot to buy me a card when I gave him three, stashed in his medicine cabinet, his sock drawer, and under his coffee cup. Maybe he thought a five-minute mattress mambo was a worthy substitute? I’d rather have had roses. Even from the grocery store and with a gaggle of baby’s breath. Oh well. It didn’t matter anymore anyway. I’d told him to go on about his life and consider us to be separated and I’d meant it.

  I took a seat at the table and unfolded the napkins to my left and right and draped them on the back of the chairs so the other guests at our table would know those seats were taken. Two young couples approached and sat down. They politely introduced themselves as friends of Shawn and said that they had all gone to medical school together. Four doctors at one table.

  “My goodness!” I said. “If anyone has a heart attack tonight, they can be saved!”

  “I’m actually a dermatologist,” the doctor to my left said, “and my wife’s a psychiatrist, but we’ll do our best.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” the other male doctor said, “and we’re both ob-gyns but we can help too!”

  We all laughed at that, and I looked up to see Wes and Harlan coming toward the table.

  Charlotte and Harry were seated at another table with the ring bearer’s parents, on the other side of the bridal party so that Charlotte could keep an eye on Holly.

  “So how did it go?” I asked Wes.

  “Well, first of all, security can’t remove either one of them because Harold and Paolo never rescinded their signing privileges. But they said they’d keep an eye open.”

  “Great. Harold and Paolo probably haven’t had the time,” I said.

  “Yeah, well, Harold doesn’t want to and Paolo doesn’t care,” Wes said.

  “Those two are pretty liquored up,” Harlan said. “And I don’t think they fully appreciated the poetry Wes offered them. In fact, I’m afraid they might have taken some offense.”

  “What did you say, Wes?”

  “What? Me? Look, I just said what was obvious, which was that they seemed a little over the edge for so early in the evening and that they might want to pace themselves a little bit. That’s all.”

  “Actually, Wesley, that’s not the story in its entirety,” Harlan said.

  “Then you tell it, Harlan,” Wes said, with patently obvious annoyance in his voice.

  It was that old familiar tone Wes used when he was right on the verge of pulling the pin on his hand-grenade tantrums. I recognized it and Harlan sensed it, so we both became very quiet, giving Wes a moment to compose himself. This was another example of why I didn’t miss living with Wes.

  The waiters began pouring wine and champagne and they couldn’t have arrived a moment too soon for me.

  “Cheers!” I said to the whole table and raised my glass. “To Molly and Shawn!”

  “Cheers!” they all said. Wes mumbled something that sounded like harrumph.

  “So, Wes?” I said with a smile. “What do you think they are up to?”

  Wes was now placated because I skipped over Harlan’s version of the story to soothe Wes’s very delicate ego. Wes took a long drink of his white wine and put the glass down.

  “I think that Cornelia somehow wants to embarrass Molly and Shawn and that she needs a lot of vodka and her sidekick to find the nerve to do it,” Wes said and looked around. “I just said to her, ‘Look, sweetheart, I know you caught the short end of the stick on this one, but give Harold a little time. Don’t go showing your weaknesses. Always deal from strength.’ Isn’t that what I said, Harlan?”

  “Yes, and then you added something to the effect of ‘It’s not like Harold has any other children,’ and she said, ‘You mean so that if he had another child get married, he’d have to throw me out of the house again?’ ”

  “For some reason she took issue with that,” Wes said.

  “Well, honey, I guess she did,” I said.

  “Why? What did I say?”

  “Wes?”
Harlan said. “What you basically said was that she was unfit for family celebrations. At least, that’s how she took it.”

  “Aw, come on. Really? Cornelia knows me well enough to know I wouldn’t go out there and insult her! I’m the one she’s been crying to all along! She knows me.”

  “She’s probably pretty unsure about everyone in Harold’s world at this point, Wes.”

  “Maybe,” he said.

  “Those two make me nervous,” Harlan said.

  Wes said, “I agree, Harlan. They make me nervous too.”

  The orchestra announced the first dance, and Shawn and Molly took the floor, dancing a lovely waltz. We all stood and applauded, and then all the parents joined them. A few moments later, Harold tapped on Molly’s shoulder and he danced with his daughter while Shawn danced with his mother. And then in a moment of generosity, Danette changed partners from Nader to Harold and Molly danced with Nader. Eventually the entire Nicholls family was on the dance floor with all the Stovalls and all the bridesmaids and groomsmen. And our little Holly? She held the hands of the ring bearer in a tight grip and led him around the floor, pausing every now and then to spin him around. The photographer and the videographer were everywhere, capturing the entire moment for posterity. I couldn’t wait to see all the pictures.

  The dance floor got busy as the waitstaff put the first course on our table. It was two large grilled shrimp over a mixed green salad. Not very imaginative, but then it was club food. And most people liked simple straightforward meals.

  “Not bad,” Harlan said, taking a bite.

  “And the wine’s not too terrible either,” Wes said.

  “It’s actually quite nice,” I said.

  “This club is the greatest,” Wes said. “They really know how to throw an event.”