Now, standing on my front porch, I fumble with the lock on the front door.
“Thank you,” Sam says.
“For what?”
“For sharing all of this and yourself with me. It’s turning out to be something more than reading an old diary. I think about the Krauss family all day. I think about you, too.” He glances up with a sly smile.
Tucking my lower lip between my teeth, I stare at Sam. He called me a mystery, but I feel like the shoe is on the other foot. I can’t figure out what these little comments mean. I’m sure I read too much into them, because surely if Sam felt anything more than friendship for me, he’d kiss me or have some physical reaction to me.
“Sleep well,” he says.
“You, too. I’ll wait for you to get back to your door before I go in mine.”
He chuckles, turns, and runs across my yard and over to his. From his porch, he waves and then goes inside. I step into my house and shut the front door. Otis is right here greeting me, so I bend and pet him.
The next day, at work on my lunch break, I use the employee computer in our breakroom to do more research on Estherly. Each day, my desire to find Estherly or anyone from her stories grows even greater. But, each day I’m met with more dead ends.
I type “Holocaust survivor’s database” into Google and wait. I click the second link, and my eyes widen. There’s a photograph of a young, blond boy with a bowl-like haircut. Next to his name are the words “Search for Names.” I read the words under the title: “Find information about people persecuted under the Nazi regime. The database contains millions of names indexed from various lists and historical documents in the Museum’s extensive archival collection.”
With hope filling my heart, I click on “Search for Names.” The first name I search is Estherly’s. I wish I had the other information they ask for to perform a more accurate search, but all I have is her name and where she lived. Berlin isn’t even the exact name of where Estherly’s family lived because I remember the diary saying she lived on the outskirts of town. I click the search button and pray something will pop up. The results come back, and nothing is found. Next, I try Gavi’s name and when the results show up on the screen, my hand covers my mouth and I gasp. Two of my co-workers snicker behind me, but I ignore them as I read the details from the search.
Gavi Krauss
Date of Birth: June 1st, 1920
Birth place: Berlin
Date of death: May 11th, 1942
Death Place: Auschwitz
Source: [Reichsvereinigung der Juden in Deutschland]
Description: Index created from the files of the Reichsvereinigung der Juden in Deutschland. The index includes name, date of birth, place of birth, date of death, place of death, and comments.
It takes everything I have not to break into tears. I gulp and then search all Estherly’s family’s names, only finding results for Gavi.
“You’re going to be late,” says a voice behind me.
My skin crawls when I turn and see Roger standing there.
“I have five more minutes.”
He leans over me and peeks at the screen. “What’s all this?”
“Nothing,” I say. I have no interest in sharing anything personal with Roger the Jerk. Normally, when Roger tries to make conversation with me outside of my cubicle or his office, I kiss his ass. Today, I don’t feel the need to do anything of the sort. He’s interrupting my break time, and I have research to do. I turn back to the computer and completely ignore him until he finally gets the point and walks to the water cooler in the corner of the lunchroom.
Putting my focus back on the computer screen, I jot down the website address so that Sam and I can do more research later.
I stand, clean up the trash from my lunch, and walk back to my daytime prison.
Later that evening, sitting at Sam’s dining room table, I show him the results I found earlier in the day on Gavi’s death. With somber faces, we stare at each other, wordless. Sam gets up, still silent, and walks to his kitchen. I go back to the main search and input the last name “Krauss” without adding a first name. Before I can click “search,” Sam walks out of the kitchen with a plate full of food in his hand.
“Why don’t you shut that down for now?” he asks, putting the plate on the table in front of me. “I’m sure you’re starving, and I fixed you a cheeseburger. I hope salad as a side is okay.”
“This looks great! And salad is fine.”
“Thanks,” he says, going back into the kitchen.
I bookmark the website with the database and shut my laptop, pushing it aside.
Sam comes back out of the kitchen with his plate and sits next to me. “That really sucks about Gavi. I was hoping we’d find a happier ending for him.”
“Poor Estherly,” I say, before taking a bite. “This is really good.”
“Glad you like it,” Sam says, between bites. After chewing, he asks, “How was your day?”
“Not too bad. Roger, my supervisor, didn’t come around with the clipboard of death.”
Sam chuckles. “What the heck is the clipboard of death?”
“It’s Roger’s. He walks around with printouts of our stats on this red clipboard and goes to each desk telling us what we’ve done wrong. He spends more time at my desk than anyone else’s.”
“Do you make a lot of mistakes at work?”
“No. According to company statistics, I’m one of our top customer service representatives. Roger likes picking on me.”
Sam shakes his head. “I don’t know how you do it, Fer.”
Fer… I like it. As in I’m a fair person or geez the fair is fun. Sam has a nickname for me. How adorable is that?
“I couldn’t go to work every day with someone like that. I’d get fired for telling him to screw off.”
“One day, I’ll probably lose it and do that.” I laugh.
In this moment, I really take in how being with Sam makes me feel. I laugh when I’m with him. I have hope in my heart when he’s near me. Pushing my schoolgirl feelings aside, I ask Sam how his day went. He spends time telling me all about his day, bidding a new job that’s going to earn him a high payout, and then tells me about a lunch date he had with someone named Emily. Trying not to seem like I’m prying, I casually ask how he met Emily.
“She used to be the secretary for the company I worked for. She quit, too. Now she does some data entry for me and stays home raising her kids and taking care of her husband’s painting business.”
I sigh audibly, and Sam looks at me with a raised eyebrow.
“Boy, you sure make a good…” I look down at my plate, seeing that I ate all my cheeseburger and look at the three pieces of lettuce left in my salad bowl. “Umm, you make a great salad.”
With a look of confusion, he nods. “I’ll be honest.” He leans near me. “It’s pre-made.”
We both laugh, and I hope that my slip doesn’t resonate with him.
“Are you about done?” he asks, eyeing what little I have left in my bowl.
“Yep. Are you ready to read more?”
“I am,” he says. “Having you read me Estherly’s diary is like watching a really good movie, but you have to wait for parts two, three, and four. It’s exciting knowing it’s coming, even if most of what we’ve read is heartbreaking.”
“I spend all day at work thinking of Estherly,” I say.
“Shall we take our usual spots on my couch?”
“I’m ready when you are.” I wait for Sam to get up first and lead the way.
Following him, I sit on the couch and grab Estherly’s diary from a canvas bag I bought today.
Sam’s eyes gleam with anticipation and I don’t waste time opening the diary and reading it.
22 October 1941
Life without Gavi is unbearable. My family is not whole without him. Henry has come every night for the last seven days trying to console me. He informed me that Gavi was taken because the soldier that followed me home from school found him
to be a threat. I blame myself. The fact that Henry confides in me makes me love him more and more with each passing day. I didn’t think it was possible to adore him any more, but he surprises me each day with his love and devotion. I fall deeper for him with every beat of my heart…
Chapter 10 – Estherly
22 October 1941
Sunlight gleams through the bedroom window and shines on my face, waking me. Sitting up on the edge of my bed, dread grips my gut. Since Gavi was taken, each morning when I wake, I’m brought back to the reality that he’s gone. Looking over to the other side of the room at Oma’s perfectly made bed, I wonder where she may have gone off to. Placing my feet in slippers, I stretch and stand. Shuffling my way to the closet door, I yawn and grab my robe. Putting it on, I snuggle into the fluffy fabric, remembering when Gavi gave it to me for my birthday last year. I shake myself from the memory and walk out of my bedroom.
Stopping in the hallway, I peer into Gavi’s room and find my mother sitting in a chair at his desk. With her back to me, her shoulders tremble, and she sniffles. Rushing to her, I wrap my arms around her.
“I’m sorry, Mame,” I say, pressing my cheek to the top of her head and embracing her.
Breaking our hug, she stands, turns to me, and gives me a smile, then takes me into her arms. Her arms are one of the only places that provide safety and comfort. Closing my eyes, I squeeze back and take in the moment.
“I miss your brother so much, my sweet girl.”
“I do, too.” I hug her tighter as tears fall down my cheeks.
She pulls away and places her thumb on my face, wiping one of my tears away.
“I pray he’ll return to us soon. We must try to stay positive and hopeful. Are you hungry? Can I make you something to eat?” she asks, as she pulls away and runs her hand over my hair. Her eyes search mine, and I know she’s trying to reassure herself that she need not worry for me, too.
“No, I’ll eat an apple later. I’m not very hungry this morning.”
“Make sure you stay nourished. I know these are hard times, but we need to take care of ourselves. You should take some bread as well as the apple.”
“Food is the last thing on my mind.”
She nods. “Honestly, I’ve lost my appetite as well. I don’t think any of us will be ourselves until Gavi comes home.”
Taking my hand, she leads me down the stairs, and we separate as I make my way into the kitchen. Grabbing one of the big red apples from a basket sitting on the top of the table, I stuff it into my pocket and turn to leave. I’m reminded of Henry’s generosity, and although my heart is breaking, a small smile tugs at my lips. Walking into the living room, I find my mother sitting next to my father on the couch, holding onto his arm and resting her head on his shoulder. For a moment, I stand there in silence watching them comfort each other. I can’t imagine what it’s like not knowing the fate of their child. It’s awful enough worrying about a sibling, but for my parents, the agony must be much greater. They’ve always been so strong, but this is breaking them and, in turn, destroying my heart.
I open the front door as quietly as I can and step onto the front porch. I find Oma sitting on the porch swing, swaying back and forth. Wrapped in a blanket, she stares at the part of our yard where her garden used to flourish. Opening up the blanket, she gestures for me to sit with her and snuggle in. I settle next to her and wrap the blanket around the two of us. Anika is in front of us, playing with her plastic horses, making them gallop in the grass. The sweet smile on her face lightens the pain in my heart. Her optimism about Gavi coming home has been unwavering. Mine, on the other hand, diminishes with each passing day.
“Do you think he’s alive?” Oma asks, keeping her eyes focused on Anika.
“I would like to think so,” I say, glancing at my sister.
A tear falls from her eye. “I don’t,” she says, turning to look at me.
I lay my head on her shoulder and let out a deep breath. In my heart, I fear she may be right.
“Estherly,” Anika says as she prances over to Oma and me, breaking us out of our thoughts.
“Yes, Anika?”
“Why don’t you dance anymore?”
“I don’t know,” I say, grabbing my baby sister and pulling her into my lap.
“But, you love to dance,” she chirps.
“I haven’t felt like it,” I say, squeezing her closer to me.
“Well, you should start doing it again,” Oma chimes in.
“If I could dance like you, I would dance all the time. I would never walk. I’d dance, dance, dance,” Anika says, as she giggles.
“You’re an exquisite dancer, Estherly,” Oma says.
“Stop, you two,” I say, as my cheeks flush.
I recall how my mother used to boast to everyone about what a wonderful dancer I was. She would tell perfect strangers that I had danced before I walked. At a young age, she enrolled me in courses to perfect my craft. My passion grew during that time and holds true in my heart, even now.
A sense of warmth fills my heart as my sisters, and I giggle with one another. After hearing about Mae’s death, and then my brother being taken away, I never thought I would laugh again.
Slipping my foot into my pink ballet slipper, I lace the ribbons up my ankle. With the other slipper already on, I spring to my tiptoes, stiffening the muscles in my calves and feet. I flutter across the barn floor draped in candlelight, arching my arms in pace with my feet. Twirling, I lose myself in the moment. Dipping my arms down in a rhythmic motion, my fingertips graze hay resting on dirt. I close my eyes and imagine I’m dancing on a stage in front of a full audience. I leap across the floor, keeping my legs straight, and land light on my feet. Turning on my toe, I do my best arabesque, my extended leg tight and pointed. Arching my torso to the left, I then sway my body to the right, feeling all the emotions dancing brings: Pride, calmness, freedom, elation, and determination. Dancing gives me a moment of peace. Before the war, I felt all these emotions, but now they seem heightened as I perform in secret. I end my dance with a bow, open my eyes, and try to catch my breath.
“Bravo!” someone whispers behind me.
I turn to see Henry, his gaze fixed on me. “You’re here!” I say as I dash to his waiting arms.
“Estherly, that was the most magnificent thing I have ever seen,” he says.
“Thank you,” I say. My cheeks flush, and my eyes turn to the ground.
“Your beauty and grace shine through every part of you when you dance,” he says, kissing my forehead.
“When I dance, my soul comes alive. My heart soothes, and in that moment, I’m at peace.”
“I don’t doubt it. Estherly, watching you float across the floor is like watching an angel soar through heaven.”
Placing my arms around his neck, I pull him into a kiss. My whole body tingles with excitement as he puts his arm around the small of my back and pulls me closer. His earthy smell invigorates me and makes me want more and more of him. We fall together to the ground, cushioned by the soft hay. His tender lips place soft kisses on my neck. My body prickles all over. Henry’s embrace sends me to another world where there’s no pain, no death, and no war.
Pulling my dress down over my head, I stare at the love of my life. My eyes trace each line of his body while my heart overfills with love for him. Henry rests in the hay, staring back. I reach for his hand and help him to his feet.
“Come with me,” I whisper. “I want to show you something incredible.”
He dresses back in his uniform, and then I take his hand, leading him to the ladder in the middle of the barn. Climbing the ladder, I look back and smile. He’s inches away from me, and it’s still too far. I reach the loft and wave for him to follow.
He joins me, and we walk across the planks to the edge of the barn. I grab one of the doors and open it, then do the same to the other, revealing a full moon shimmering on a field of tall grass that rustles in the chilled breeze.
“In the summertime, my sib
lings and I used to come up here and lie down. We’d scoot as close to the end here as we could and rest our heads near the edge so we could look at the stars. Would you try it with me? You’ve never seen anything so amazing in your life.”
Henry tugs at my body and brings me close. “I see you. There’s nothing more astounding.”
We kiss, and his body warms me. When we break apart, I giggle and tug on his arm as I lower myself to the ground. He joins me and we lie on our backs, hand in hand.
“Close your eyes.”
He does so, and I scoot closer, tightening my grip on his hand. “I’ll count to three, and then open your eyes. One… two… three…”
Gasping, he stares up at billions of stars. The sky is crystal clear, giving us an unobstructed view of all the twinkling.
“It’s brilliant,” he says, in a soft voice.
We fall silent, allowing the night sky to soothe our souls.
A star shoots across the sky and Henry asks, “Did you see that? Make a wish.”
“I wish all this war and hatred would end.”
He leans over and presses his lips to my cheek. “My wish is to marry you and save you from all this horror.”
I cuddle into Henry’s arms and a tear trickles from my eye. “Life would be perfect if your wish came true and my brother was home again.”
“I’m sorry I don’t have any news on Gavi. I’m doing my best to try and get information. Thus far, no one has had word of him.”
My heart sinks. It’s unbearable not having answers. At least when it comes to Mae and her family, I know their fate.
“I know you’re trying, my love. I can’t thank you enough for all you do for me and my family,” I say.
“Let’s not speak of horrible things. In this moment, let’s focus on our love.” Pointing to the stars, Henry continues. “Look how big and bright that star is. I bet that’s the North Star.”
“I think you’re right.”
“I would like us to cherish this moment, always.”
Remember the Stars Page 8