Natural Impulse

by Anna Durand

  Heidi clambered to her feet and hugged herself, her attention on me and Ollie. She bit down on her lip so hard it turned white, veering her gaze away from us. Head bowed, she slumped her shoulders.

  I had no energy left to feel bad for her. Why should I empathize with Heidi, anyway? She had repeatedly tried to steal Ollie away from me.

  "Mara."

  Ollie's voice drew my focus back to him.

  I shut my eyes for a second, hauling in a deep breath and exhaling it slowly. When I looked at him again, I shook my head. "I can't do this. You've come to mean so much to me, Ollie, but I shouldn't have rushed into this thing with you. I'm fresh out of a bad marriage, clogged up with all these crazy anxieties and fears, and I had no right to drag you into my mess."

  "What are you saying?"

  Something I did not want to say but that I'd suddenly realized I needed to say---to do, for myself and for whatever this was between us. "I have to go home. Be alone, and try to figure out what I need and what I want. I haven't really lived my life on my own terms, what with my mom and Nico telling me how to behave and who to love. I get why my mom did it, and I'm not angry with her anymore. Nico's another story."

  Ollie bent his head to level our gazes, his nose millimeters from mine. "What about me? Us?"

  "I don't know. Honestly, I just don't know." I peeled his hands away from my face, though I loved his touch, because I had to start separating myself from him right now. "I know I love being with you, and I meant it when I said you make me feel free and wild and happier than I've ever been. But I need to live my old life, for real, before I can commit to anything else. I don't expect you to wait for me. I'll understand if you can't."

  He stared at me for so long I wondered if he might be considering how to phrase "fuck you, bitch" in a polite way. But no, Ollie Jackson would never say anything like that. Maybe I was saying those words to myself. How could I walk away from an amazing man? Maybe I'd lost my mind, for real, but all I knew was I had to sort out my own life before I could share it with anyone else.

  Ollie kissed the tip of my nose and rested his forehead on mine. "You go home and do whatever you need to do. I'll be here, waiting for you, for as long as it takes."

  I took his face in my hands and kissed him. "You're a good man, Oliver. The best I've ever known."

  Then I walked away.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Ollie

  Well, at least Mara hadn't said I was like her gay best friend. This time, I got dumped the old-fashioned way---face to face, with apologies and explanations. I supposed that was better than getting dumped by text message. Yeah, that happened to me too. A brush-off text was bad enough, but a brush-off text full of crying emojis was even worse. I still couldn't keep a girlfriend, no matter how solid and hot the connection was between me and the girl in question.

  Mara hadn't exactly broken up with me. Had she? Sitting on a little sofa here in the entertainment room, alone---everyone else had gone to the dining hall for breakfast---I replayed in my mind everything she'd said. I remembered all of it, word for word. She needed time. She needed to live her old life for a while. She didn't expect me to wait for her, but she clearly hoped I would.

  How long did it take a woman to sort out her life?

  Maybe I shouldn't wait for her, but I'd meant it when I said I would. I knew we had a connection, a strong one, and it was based on more than sex. I'd gotten to know the amazing, smart, strong woman behind all those hang-ups. She'd gotten over all of that, anyway. Well, most of it. Maybe she did need to go home for a while to figure out how to be herself---her true self, the one I'd gotten to know---without the complications of hanging out at a naturist resort with me, my ex, my best friend, and a bunch of other wacky but lovable people.

  And then there was Nico.

  I picked up a deck of cards and shuffled it, not really paying attention to what I was doing. The sound of the shuffling cards became kind of soothing, and I relaxed back into the little sofa. Shuffle. Shuffle. I needed patience if I wanted to have Mara in my life, and I knew she was worth it. But what if she decided being with me didn't fit in her new life plan? Shuffle. Shuffle. The cards poured out of one hand into the other, over and over. Nothing I could do if Mara wanted to leave. Unless I tied her to her bed upstairs. As hot as that sounded, I kind of doubted holding Mara hostage would convince her we belonged together.

  My hand slipped, and the deck of cards flew out of my hand, spraying across the table, the floor, and a couple of chairs.

  Shit. Maybe I was cursed.

  Peripherally, I noticed someone stepping into the doorway. When I glanced up, I groaned out a long, pathetic sigh. "What do you want now, Heidi? You've screwed up my life enough for one day."

  "I'm sorry, Ollie." She shuffled up to the table, where I had my feet propped on it, and only then did I realize she was wearing clothes. "I know I screwed up everything, and I want to fix it. Or at least try to."

  Could I really blame Heidi for the fact my life had been dumped into a shithole again? It wasn't fair to pile all the blame on her shoulders.

  I sat up and scrubbed my face with both hands, groaning again. "I'm sorry too. You didn't help matters, but my life would suck even if you hadn't tried to lay a big, wet smacker on me in the hall."

  "Mara's packing. I saw her when I walked past her room. The door was open." Heidi perched her butt on the table's edge. "I need to apologize and explain myself. It won't take long, I promise."

  "Okay, fine." I made a go-on gesture. "Get it over with."

  "I need to say this to Mara too." Heidi got up, grabbed my hand, and tugged. "Please, Ollie, come with me. I won't do anything crazy, I swear. But we need to go upstairs to catch Mara before she leaves."

  As much as I did not want to do it, I let Heidi lead me upstairs. Mara was just zipping up her suitcase. By the looks of things, she'd already packed her multitude of other bags. The dresser drawers hung open, empty.

  Heidi and I stopped a few feet inside the doorway.

  Mara swiveled her head to look at us, her focus veering down to my hand which Heidi still held and then up to my face. Her lips tightened.

  I ripped my hand free of Heidi's. "She grabbed my hand to drag me upstairs, that's all. I am not having sex with Heidi."

  "Yes, I can see that." Mara's lips twisted to one side, then the other, like she was trying not to smile. "At least she's not super-glued to your body anymore."

  She was teasing me, right? That had to be a good sign.

  Heidi stepped between me and Mara. "I need to apologize to both of you. I've done stupid, awful things. I'm so sorry, and you have my word I will never bother either of you again. Maybe someday we can be friends, Mara, but I'll understand if that's never possible. And Ollie, I understand if you don't want me around either. I won't come back to the resort again."

  I shoved my hands in my pants pockets. "I can't ban you because you dumped me and then tried to seduce me. Let's just forget that stuff happened and move on."

  "That's really generous of you, Ollie." Tears welled in Heidi's eyes, and she sniffled. "Thank you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'm grateful you can see a way to move past all my craziness."

  "I forgive you, Heidi."

  A single sob burst out of her. She flumped down on the bed, keeping her head down until she'd calmed her staccato breathing. Wiping at her eyes, she raised her face to Mara. "I am so sorry, Mara, for everything. I've been so horrible, trying to steal Ollie away from you. I convinced myself you two weren't serious about each other, that it was just a vacation fling. But now I see how much you two belong together. I swear I have never in my life tried to seduce a guy away from another girl. It's just not me."

  "Yeah, it really isn't," I said.

  Mara studied Heidi for a moment, her expression giving away nothing.

  Heidi grabbed a tissue from the box on the bedside table and blew her nose.

  Finally, Mara sighed and sat down bes
ide Heidi. "I forgive you. I honestly don't know if friendship will ever be possible between us, but I won't rule it out. That's the best I can offer."

  "It's more than I deserve. Thank you, Mara." Heidi blew her nose again. "I know there isn't any excuse for the way I behaved, but there is kind of an explanation. My boyfriend, Tim, he dumped me last summer. It was the fifth time he'd broken up with me. I kept going back because he kept swearing he'd never cheat on me again, that he loved me so much, that our relationship meant everything to him. And I kept believing him."

  "Yeah, I know," I said. "You pushed me overboard so you could go back to him."

  "But I regretted it almost immediately. It was too late, though, and I couldn't come crawling back here."

  Mara handed Heidi another tissue.

  Heidi dried her eyes with it while she said, "I believed I had to fight for my relationship with Tim, to keep trying over and over, because he's not a bad man. He cheated because I wasn't giving him what he needed. Which is bullshit. But I believed that for a long time, partly because he kept telling me it was true."

  "I know what that's like," Mara said. "To have someone constantly saying you're not good enough, it hurts. And it burrows into your heart and soul, so deep it can be hard to get it out."

  Heidi turned her head toward Mara and blinked rapidly. "How can you be sympathetic to me? I tried to steal Ollie."

  "Yeah, but Ollie and I weren't officially a couple. Besides, I'm starting to think you tried to seduce him in public places because you wanted to get caught and be punished for it."

  Heidi stared at Mara, her face blank. "How did you know? I just figured that out this morning, after I made myself the wedge that drove you and Ollie apart."

  "Once I got over the anger, I realized you must have a lot of insecurities, just like I do." Mara laid her hand over Heidi's. "We have that in common. I understand how other people can mess with your head and make you feel like nothing you do is right. Maybe you should do what I'm doing. Live your life alone for a while and see what happens."

  "That sounds like a good idea." Heidi managed a small smile. "You're a super nice person, Mara. I get why Ollie thinks you're amazing."

  "He has nothing but nice things to say about you too." Mara patted Heidi's hand. "That's how I know your recent behavior isn't normal for you. And that's why I forgive you. I'm glad we had this talk."

  "Me too." Heidi got up. "I'll leave you guys alone now. Please don't give up on each other because of what I did. You two are a perfect match."

  She left.

  And I was alone with Mara. My skin itched, but I knew it wasn't a physical problem. I had no idea what to say to Mara now. She was leaving. I didn't want her to go, but I couldn't make her stay.

  "I get that you need time," I said, "but I meant what I said. I'll wait as long as it takes."

  "Yeah, I know." She stood and surveyed her bags. "But I need to do this for myself."

  "Let me help you with your luggage."

  I reached for the nearest bag, but Mara shooed me away.

  "You don't have to do that," she said. "I can manage."

  "But it's my job."

  "Okay, fine." She picked up one of the smaller suitcases. "I'd appreciate the help."

  I picked up the biggest, heaviest suitcase.

  Val had offered to drive Mara to the airport with her parents, so I said goodbye to her beside Val's big, super-expensive truck. I kissed her cheek, because anything more seemed weird when she was leaving me. Sure, we hadn't exactly broken up. We hadn't exactly been a couple either. I had no frigging idea what we'd been to each other, but I knew one thing for sure.

  I would miss her.

  Once Val's truck disappeared down the driveway, I walked over to the little house and knocked on the door.

  Eve swung it open and pulled me into a hug. "Ollie, I'm so sorry. I thought you and Mara were perfect for each other."

  "So did I. But she didn't really end things. She needs time, that's what she said."

  Eve ushered me into the kitchen, waved for me to sit on one of the stools at the island, and took a seat on the one beside me. "Nico told everybody that you and Mara had a huge fight at the restaurant and that she told you to go to hell. I know that's garbage, but I thought I should make you aware of what he said."

  "Is that jackass still here?"

  "No, Val and I banned him from the resort for life." Eve smiled. "Val literally threw Nico into a cab, along with his luggage, and told Phil to dump him off at the airport."

  "Wish I could've done that." I rested my arms on the island, my thoughts rewinding to the last thing Mara said to me before she climbed into Val's truck. "Mara says she needs to sort through all the emotional stuff that happened this week and that means she can't have any contact with me for a while. That feels an awful lot like I've been cut out of her life."

  "She'll be back. I can feel it."

  "I hope you're right." I drew random patterns on the butcher-block island with my fingertip, obsessed with the pointless task. "I don't have good luck with women. Don't have any luck at all, actually."

  "This time it's different." Eve clasped my hand to stop me from drawing invisible lines. "I saw you with Mara. What you two have isn't a fling. It's real, and I know she'll figure that out too."

  "Mara needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet, and I get that. But I can't help worrying she'll realize I'm not the right one for her, and I'll be out in the cold. Again."

  "Give it time, but don't wait weeks like Val did with me."

  I glanced at her sideways, smirking. "Yeah, I remember how you jumped on a plane to California so you could go smack some sense into him."

  "When you love someone, you fight for them. That's what I learned last summer."

  "First, I have to let Mara do her self-analysis thing. Right?"

  "I can't tell you what to do, Ollie. You know Mara better than I do."

  "Yeah, I guess." I checked my watch, groaned, and slid off the stool. "A new guest will be here any minute. Better get out there and greet them."

  "Let me do it." Eve hopped off her stool. "You need a few days off. Go hang out with Damian and the rest of the gang." She tugged on one of the buttons on my shirt. "And get out of these clothes. That's an order."

  "Yes, ma'am."

  "Oh, and you're moving back into the guest room here." She tapped my chest. "That's also an order. You wouldn't leave me alone when I was down in the dumps about Val leaving, so I won't leave you alone either."

  "That sounds vaguely like you'll be stalking me."

  "Only if you try to get away from me." She smiled and patted my cheek. "Relax. I'll ask Damian to keep an eye on you when I'm not around."

  "Great. I have a feeling I'll be stalked by everyone at the resort." I pumped my fists in the air halfheartedly and gave a phony whoop. "This is the awesomest vacation ever."

  "We'll stalk you only because we love you."

  She kissed my cheek and left.

  I got my stuff moved into Eve and Val's guest room and got rid of my clothes, then headed out to the lawn. Damian and some of the other guests were playing badminton. I spotted Heidi slinking toward the driveway while lugging a wheeled suitcase.

  So I hurried to catch up to her.

  Heidi froze when she saw me. "Ollie? What are you doing?"

  "Don't leave, Heidi. Not because of me."

  "I'm not leaving because of you. Not completely. I need to go home and get my head on straight, somehow."

  "Women are walking out on me all over the place today."

  "Mara will be back. She's crazy about you." Heidi lunged toward me to give me a quick hug. "You deserve to be happy, Ollie."

  "So do you. Promise you won't stay away from the resort on my account. You and the rest of the Kittens love it here."

  Heidi rubbed her arms. "We'll see."

  A cab drove up, but it wasn't Phil driving this time. He'd still have been on his way to the
airport with Nico. I held the door for Heidi while she climbed in, then I bent to kiss her cheek.

  "Have a safe trip home," I said.

  She smiled a little. "You're a good man, Ollie."

  I shut the door, then stowed Heidi's suitcase in the trunk. And for the second time today, I watched a woman I cared about disappear down the tree-shrouded driveway.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Mara

  "Make sure the new sign gets put up today, and change those lights in the second-floor hallway," I said to Roger, the head of maintenance in this apartment building. "I don't want any gloomy areas in the public spaces. This building needs to be light and cheerful and welcoming."

  "Will do." Roger smiled. "You're really on fire these days, aren't you? A new sign, new decor, new furniture in the lobby. You even hired full-time, on-call child care so parents can go out to dinner and a show without needing to search for a sitter."

  "Everyone deserves to have fun. That's something I've learned lately, and I want to ensure our tenants enjoy living here." An idea popped into my head, and I said, "Oh, I also want to have weekly pool parties, weather permitting, with free food and beverages."

  Roger scribbled on the almost-full sheet of paper clamped onto his clipboard. "Danny says the tenants keep raving about you and all the changes you're implementing. They love the suggestion boxes you've put on every floor too."

  Danny manned the front desk during the daytime, while his twin brother, Dave, handled things at night. Twenty-four-hour concierge service was another new perk. The suggestion boxes on every floor meant nobody needed to feel self-conscious about voicing their opinions, since they no longer had to drop off their suggestion cards at the front desk. They could still do that if they wanted, but they had other options too.

  "Thank you, Roger," I said. "I couldn't have done any of this without you and the rest of the staff. It's a team effort."

  "With one very smart, very talented woman at the helm. You're our captain, Mara. We follow your lead---not because we have to, but because we love you."

  He smiled again and strode off down the hall.