Knighthood for Beginners

by Elys Dolan

“Yes, Your Meanness,” said John as he tore off a sheet of toilet paper to mop away the sweat.

  “Now, the second item,” continued Gnasty. “How’s my ingenious plan to kidnap the King going? Soon I shall make him sign the kingdom over to me!”

  “Hurrah!” roared everyone, nervously.

  “And third. That new wannabe knight Dave has to go! Also, I really want his special hat.”

  “It is really special, Sir,” said Gary.

  “SILENCE! It seems this Dave can’t do anything wrong. He’s always following the instructions in that book, Knighthood for Beginners. I’m sure I have a copy somewhere, I’ll have to fish it out. He must have a weakness . . . Go and spy on him, my evil army! Bring me any information that could lead to Dave’s DOWNFALL! We need him out of the way,” said Gnasty, rubbing his hands together in classic villain style.

  “Yes, Sir,” said the Army of Evil all together.

  “Excellent! That concludes today’s meeting,” said Gnasty. “Now hand me those cookies.”

  CHAPTER 12

  At the feast Dave was beside himself with glee. It was a seriously super party with good music, a lot to drink, and rat-on-a-stick for everyone. And, best of all, everybody was being so nice to him.

  Dave was thinking he’d really done it. He’d become a brave, clever, and respected knight. Maybe if he kept following the book he could even become the greatest knight of all time? Perhaps minstrels would write songs about him? Or someone would paint a portrait of him riding Albrecht, looking noble? Or… wait a minute, where was Albrecht?

  • • •

  Dave spotted him sitting in the corner.

  Something wasn’t right. Dave went over to see what was wrong and Albrecht hustled him out onto the balcony where they could talk in peace.

  “Meine Dave, watching you enjoy this disco-teque, strutting about in your special hat has me worried,” began Albrecht, looking out into the night. “I have a feeling in my tail that you need to stop worrying about what those metal-headed dummköpfe think of you and following their foolish knight rules and start believing in Dave. I did say I would be your life coach, ja?”

  Dave didn’t look convinced. “I thought your tail was wooden? And can’t you see, Albrecht, the book worked! I used to be a dragon…but now I’m a knight. Dragon…Knight!”

  Dave straightened his moustache. “Why would I do things differently if what I’m doing works? And I think I’m pretty good at being a knight now. Look! I’ve got the special hat and everything!”

  Albrecht didn’t seem impressed. “I like Dave more when he’s being Dave, not a dragon or a knight in a special hat…”

  “You’re being a big old worry goat. Let’s go inside and enjoy the feast.”

  But they hadn’t been alone out on the balcony.

  Back inside, Albrecht noticed Linda scurry over to Sir Gnasty, who had been angrily stomping on some canapés. As she whispered something to him Gnasty stopped stomping, grinned widely, and began to stride across the room. Before Albrecht could figure out what was going on, Gnasty had walked right up to Dave.

  “Sir Dave!” he began, and Dave turned to look at him a little nervously. “You have truly proved yourself to be a brave, wise, and clever knight having fairly beaten me in all your trials. Now we’re all gentlemen here.”

  Dame Hilda coughed.

  “… and ladies of course. We can let bygones be bygones. Why don’t I show you where the Chief Knight sits? Up on the top table right next to the King!”

  Dave was thrilled. If he’d earned Sir Gnasty’s respect, he must be a serious knight. Everyone was clapping as Dave walked up to the top table, but Albrecht pushed his way through the crowd.

  “Dave!” said Albrecht breathlessly. “This is very suspicious! When a mean man called Gnasty starts being nice, you have to ask questions…”

  “Out of the way greasy goat!” shouted someone in the crowd. Albrecht turned a bit red and looked at Dave expectantly.

  “Albrecht, get out the way!” said Dave. “This is a big moment for me and you’re being kind of embarrassing.”

  Albrecht, humiliated, stepped back muttering “. . . it’s not grease . . . it’s my natural glossiness.”

  Dave took his seat at the top table between Gnasty and the King. He felt a little starstruck.

  The King struggled up onto his chair and began his speech. “Ladies, Gentlemen, Knights, and Princess Rubella, who shouldn’t be here because it’s way past her bedtime, I welcome you to this feast in honor of Sir Dave! I’m proud to officially award Dave his knighthood for being especially brave, incredibly wise, astonishingly green-skinned and…”

  “That’s right! He’s a princess-eating, gold-stealing dragon!” said Gnasty, triumphantly.

  Everyone in the room gasped and started muttering. The King gave a little shriek as Sir Butterball fainted and Princess Rubella started eating all the pork pies while no one was looking.

  Dave looked around the room at all the shocked and angry faces and felt himself starting to panic. “I’ve never done any of those things! Yes, I’m a dragon, but I’m not even a very good one! What I really want to be is a knight, which is why…”

  Gnasty started laughing maniacally. “You can’t be a knight! You idiot, Dave. Have you even read the final chapter of Knighthood for Beginners?”

  Dave looked down at the book he was still holding. “No… some of the pages at the back are a bit burned…”

  “Well, I think it’s time you did,” said Gnasty. He pulled out his own copy and showed Dave the final chapter.

  CHAPTER 13

  Every knight’s worst enemy is a dragon. They’re dangerous, eat princesses, and their knitting is terrible. It is every good knight’s duty to slay them and take their gold.

  “Oh my, no!” said Dave. “That dragon looks like Great Aunt Maud!”

  People started to scream and panic. Gnasty began chanting, “SLAY THE DRAGON! SLAY THE DRAGON!” and several knights were starting to join in. Dave couldn’t believe it. Good, kind, brave knights killing dragons? He felt numb.

  The only one not in a panic was Albrecht. He knew he’d have to cause a distraction. Fast.

  Albrecht leaped into action.

  While everyone was watching Albrecht, Dave tore his slightly stunned eyes away from the performance and made a quick escape out of the castle.

  After a couple of numbers, Albrecht also decided it was time to make a swift exit, even if his fans had other ideas.

  As he emerged outside the castle walls, Dave was already working out a plan.

  “I know this looks bad Albrecht, but if we can somehow make it look like I’ve slain a dragon …of course I couldn’t actually slay a dragon, most of them are my cousins… but if we make it look like I’ve slain one then maybe the King will be so impressed with my bravery that he’ll get over me being a dragon and…”

  “DAVE!” Albrecht cut him off. “That sounds a lot like cheating to me! You are not acting like the Dave I know, you’re acting like a dummkopf knight, like Gnasty!”

  “That’s the whole point!” shouted Dave, starting to get angry. “I don’t want to be Dave! I want to be a KNIGHT! But how am I going to do that now, eh? How am I going to do anything?! I’m no good at being a dragon and now I can’t be a knight.”

  “Now Dave, when I became separated from the Foreign Legion and was lost in the Mutabu Desert and was forced to eat a cactus…there was one important thing I learned…”

  “ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID STORIES!” yelled Dave. “Everyone knows they’re lies! A goat could never do all those things. You’re delusional!”

  Albrecht looked hurt, but Dave wasn’t done.

  “You mad old goat, making me do all your crazy schemes and bossing me around all the time. And you know what? You’re not even that glossy!”

  That was the final straw for Albrecht. “I condition my coat daily as you well know, David! Fine. I can see you don’t think you need a trusty steed any more, so you can do it all alone.”


  “And you do smell goaty,” added Dave.

  “IT’S A CHARMING MUSK! The saddest thing is Dave, you’re a better knight when you’re acting like Dave, not following the stupid knight book and trying to be like those Dummköpfe back in the castle! Also, I HATE your special hat!”

  “How dare you!” said Dave.

  “You’re a DUMMKOPF!” shouted Albrecht.

  “No, you’re a DUMMKOPF!” Dave bawled back.

  And they both stormed off in different directions.

  Meanwhile back in the castle the King was wandering the corridors with Albrecht’s shoe.

  “Madam? Madam! I have your shoe! Where are you? Would you like to go for dinner? Let us never be parted! OOOPH!” he said as he bumped straight into Sir Gnasty.

  “Ah! Gnasty,” said the King. “Have you seen the most exquisite lady around here? She has but one single shoe, the hoofiest of feet, and smells kind of goaty.”

  “Hmmm, I think I might have seen her hiding in this huge sack here,” said Gnasty, whipping a sack out from behind his back.

  “Excellent. Great job, my good man. At last! My love, we shall be together!” The King toddled into the sack.

  CHAPTER 14

  Two weeks later …

  After taking the King prisoner, Gnasty crowned himself Supreme Evil Overlord and ruled with an iron fist. Everything from brawling to rat-on-a-stick was banned and all cookies were confiscated. In Castletown the peasants became restless and unhappy. This couldn’t continue.

  Inside the Dragon’s Head (recently renamed the Gnasty Arms) the atmosphere was glum.

  “Rubella, you’re a barmaid now, do you know if there’s rat in this pint?” asked the Bearded Lady.

  “Who knows?” said Rubella. “Everything’s got worse since Gnasty came to power. The drinks, the food. I’m not even sure there’s any real rat in the rat-on-a-stick any more, so you’d be lucky if there’s some in your drink.”

  “And whacking injuries are up 200 percent since Gnasty put in place his ‘Everyone Will Be Punished With a Whack’ policy,” added the Bearded Lady. “On the upside my business is doing so well I can finally afford a candy cane conservatory.”

  “And Albrecht! All he’s done since Dave left is sit in the corner and drink mouthwash.”

  “And what about your father, the King? I hear he’s been imprisoned in the dungeons.”

  “Oh he’ll be fine,” said Rubella. “He loves slop, especially the XXX Super Hot.”

  “This isn’t right. Something’s got to be done.”

  “Let’s form a resistance,” whispered Rubella, immediately looking around for spies.

  “The peasants’ resistance!”

  “The peasant and Princess resistance.”

  “Yeah sure. But what we really need is someone who can save the King and take down Gnasty.”

  Rubella looked concerned. “But all the other knights have gone into hiding because they’re far too afraid of him, and even if they weren’t, he’s stronger than everyone.”

  “Then we need someone who doesn’t need brute strength. What happened to Dave? He got things done without whacking.”

  “But Dave is a dragon!”

  “Who cares if he’s a dragon,” said the Bearded Lady. “Everyone thought I couldn’t be a doctor just because I’m a bearded lady, so I don’t see why Dave can’t be a knight just because he’s a dragon. Plus, he was a nice guy.”

  “Good point,” said Rubella. “How will we get him back though? I heard he joined a troupe of traveling actors.”

  “There’s only one of us who can convince Dave to come back,” said the Bearded Lady, turning to look at the corner of the room.

  Rubella raised an eyebrow, but they called Albrecht over anyway. He stumbled over, reeking of peppermint. He wasn’t impressed by their plan.

  “Pleh! I don’t associate with the likes of Dave any more. No more dummköpfe for Albrecht! I adventure solo now.”

  The Bearded Lady was having none of it. “Albrecht, even if you’re not going to be friends we need him for the sake of the kingdom. Just get him back.”

  • • •

  In a field not too far from Castletown, Dave was getting fired.

  Dave sighed, took off his costume head and went to sit on a rock away from the other players.

  “HULLO!”

  “WAAAHHHH!” said Dave falling off his rock. “Albrecht! What do you think you’re doing here?”

  “I’ve come to take you back, Dave! Gnasty is destroying the kingdom and we need your knight skills to defeat him. But that doesn’t mean we’re friends! You were very mean about my glossiness.”

  “Oh, here we go again, always telling me what to do! Anyway, I can’t. I don’t have what it takes to be a knight, like I didn’t have what it takes to be a dragon. Now I’m not even any good at pretending to be a dragon. And I’m definitely not coming back so I can be bossed around by you again.”

  “The Dave I knew would at least try. I’ll get you back to that town or I’ll eat my hintern!”

  So even though Albrecht couldn’t convince Dave, they headed back to Castletown anyway.

  CHAPTER 15

  In the Bearded Lady’s consulting room, she immediately started Dave and Albrecht on an intensive session of couples counseling so they could talk about their feelings.

  “Dave said some very mean things to me,” said Albrecht, folding his arms and looking pouty. “About my coat, my smell, and all my stories!”

  “Okay, good progress,” said the Bearded Lady, scribbling notes on her pad. “And Dave, what made you unhappy?”

  “Albrecht’s so bossy! He’s always saying we must do this thing because that’s how he did it when he was locked in the jungle, or we have to use his GENIUS because it worked when he was in hiding in the frozen North, bah bah bah.”

  “We’re doing some very good work here,” said the Bearded Lady. “Dave, I think it might help if you understood each other a little better. Why don’t you tell Albrecht about your childhood?”

  So Dave explained about the dragon caves, never being a very good dragon, and the summer he spent with Great Aunt Maud the librarian.

  “And she gave me a book to take home!” said Dave. “It was called Fuzzy Bunny’s Big Adventure. You know I was never a very dragony dragon, but somehow when I had this book it was all okay.”

  “I took it everywhere with me.”

  “But one day something terrible happened.”

  “Mein Dave?!” said Albrecht “You can breathe FIRE?!”

  “Yes, but I don’t like to talk about it. It was the worst day of my life!” said Dave. “I suppose since then I’ve been looking for another book that’ll make everything okay. Also, I really hate butterflies.”

  “Great!” said the Bearded Lady. “Now Dave, what do you know about Albrecht’s past?”

  “Loads. He never stops talking about himself.”

  “But how did a goat come to have all those adventures, Dave? Albrecht, would you like to explain?”

  As a child Albrecht was just a normal goat, though perhaps more adventurous than most.

  Until one day he was bought by a wizard . . .

  . . . who had plans for him.

  The outcome was unusual.

  When he had the chance, Albrecht escaped.

  But once he got home, things just weren’t the same.

  So Albrecht set out to see the world, and perhaps even find a place where he’d fit in.

  Albrecht had adventures. A LOT of adventures. And he developed a taste for them.

  Eventually Albrecht started to feel his age and realized that he’d never really had a chance just to be a goat. So Albrecht retired to a local goat farm to spend some time getting back to his roots.

  The problem was he’d forgotten how boring his roots were.

  And that’s when Dave came along.

  “So you see, Dave, it was you who re-ignited Albrecht’s sense of adventure with the chance to help you. Maybe he comes across as bossy beca
use he doesn’t want you to make mistakes?”

  “You had to leave your family too?” asked Dave.

  “I don’t like to talk about it,” said Albrecht.

  Dave was shocked by the idea that there was anything Albrecht didn’t want to talk about, and he had also started to feel a bit guilty. “I’m sorry Albrecht. I guess I was pretty mean when you were just trying to help.”

  “Don’t worry mein Dave,” said Albrecht. “When I was trapped on a desert island with only a hamster for company…”

  “NO, NO! No stories! Too soon!” Dave stuck his fingers in his ears.

  “Okay, okay,” said Albrecht. “I’m sorry about my bossiness. It’s just because you could be an über knight if you…”

  “But I can’t be a knight. I’m a dragon and if you read the book…”

  “You think too much about what the rules are. You saved a princess, ja? Stopped peasants from rioting? Won a tournament? But you didn’t do it the knight way with whacking and kissing and moustaches. You did it the Dave way, with GENIUS!”

  “So,” added the Bearded Lady, “is there any reason why you’re not a knight?”

  “Well, um…” Actually, Dave couldn’t think of a reason. So what if he didn’t slay a dragon? Slaying things isn’t good or kind or wise like a knight should be. Maybe he was good at this.

  “You…might have a point,” said Dave quietly.

  “JA!” said Albrecht. “You can save the kingdom and do it the Dave way.”

  “Well, I suppose if there are innocent people in danger I should be brave and try.”

  “Excellent! I think this has been a very productive session,” said the Bearded Lady. “Now GROUP HUG and my bill will be in the post.”

  “Right, my trusty steed,” said Dave. “Let’s go and save the King, and show Gnasty who’s really a knight!”