Beauty In Her Madness (Winterland Tale Book 3)

by Stacey Marie Brown

  “Dinah. Stop.” He slammed the door, his hand running through his hair and down his face. He placed my bag on the table. “It’s been a long day. I’m tired. You’re tired. Let’s go to bed, and we can talk about this in the morning.”

  “Seriously?” I stood on the opposite side of the table. “You have nothing to say now?”

  “What do you want me to say?” he huffed, his shoulders rolling back, his expression pinched.

  “I don’t know.” I tossed out my arms. “Anything. Tell me how you feel. Ask me something…like what happened.”

  “Fine. What happened?” His jaw ticked.

  I stared at him. “Are you mad at me?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Then what? You are acting like you’re angry.”

  “I’m not mad,” he exclaimed, putting his hands on his hips.

  “Really?” I scoffed, as his words and tone said the opposite.

  “No,” he yelled back. “I’m not mad, Dinah. I was scared. Getting a call from your dad telling me you were in the hospital and learn it’s because you had a mental breakdown?”

  “And that’s what really scares you?” It really wasn’t a question.

  He grumbled, moving to the fridge and grabbing a beer.

  “Talk to me.”

  “I don’t know how to answer you,” he muttered, pacing.

  “Answer it honestly. You’re scared I have the same mental disorder Alice did.”

  He made a noise in his throat, his hand running over his face and head again.

  “Tell me, Scott.”

  “Yes,” he belted out, tossing his arms out, knocking over my bag and spilling the contents inside. “Okay? It fucking freaks me out that it could be happening to you too. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

  I folded my arms, nodding. I asked for it, but it still hurt. “That’s all I want. Just be upfront.”

  “Upfront.” He snorted with irritation, squatting down to retrieve the items in my bag, his hand reaching for an object.

  Panic lurched my muscles, my breath catching as I watched him pick up the pill bottle, his eyes reading the label.

  Shit on a strudel.

  “Scott—”

  “What’s this?” He looked up at me with anger as he rose to his feet. “What the hell is this, Dinah?”

  “I can explain…” But no explanation came out, leaving me gaping like a fish.

  His nose flared as he shoved the label toward me. “You going to tell me why you have antipsychotic pills in your bag from a Dr. Bell?” He shook the bottle, the pills rattling around, spilling my secrets. “Tell me, Dinah!”

  “I-I…”

  “I can’t believe this.” He cut off my attempt, pacing back and forth, his head shaking. “Today wasn’t your first episode, was it?”

  I swallowed.

  “Was it?”

  “No.” Shame burned the back of my lids.

  “Un-fucking-believable.” He slammed the bottle on the counter. “How long has this been going on?”

  I cringed, my stomach sinking.

  “How. Long. Dinah?”

  “It’s been more constant lately, but…”

  “But what?”

  I shifted on my feet. “It-it started about two years ago.”

  I watched him absorb the information, puffing up his body like an air pump, his shoulders hunched up to his ears. Scott was always so calm, so easygoing, it took a lot for him to get mad. But when he did, his temper flared bright.

  “Two-fucking-years!” He exploded, his face turning red in places. “You have been hiding this from me for two years?”

  “I wasn’t hiding it from you.” I had been hiding it from myself.

  “Bullshit!” he yelled. “You have been going to therapy and taking medication, Dinah, without telling me! That is hiding it.”

  “I hadn’t been seeing anyone or taking the pills until a few weeks ago.”

  “That makes it better?”

  “No, I just…”

  “Just what? Didn’t want to tell me?”

  “I didn’t want to tell myself.” Emotion lashed back. Anger, embarrassment, shame, and fear coiled up together in a knot. “I didn’t want to really acknowledge what was happening. I had been there with my sister every day. I was scared. I don’t want this to happen to me either.”

  “Then you should have come to me,” he screamed back. “I thought we were a team. Jesus, we’ve been together since we were fifteen. We tell each other everything…or we used to, but lately…”

  “What?”

  “Lately we never spend time together. We argue all the time. I know I’m not the only one who can feel this strain between us.” He motioned to me. “But now I know what it is.”

  “Wait. So it’s all my fault?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to.” I moved away from the table, needing space between us, but he followed me to the sofa.

  “When was the last time we even had sex?”

  “Whoa.” I held up my hands. “You can’t put the lack of sex totally on me.”

  “I tried again the other night. You were the one to push me away.”

  “Fuck’s sake, Scott. You were drunk, reeking of stale beer and chips, and I had one of the worst days.”

  “Sorry you found your boyfriend so disgusting.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “You sure?” he snapped, moving away from me. “Sounded like it.”

  “Scott—” I reached for him.

  He moved his arm from my touch. “I’ll have you know some find me attractive.”

  My head jerked back, feeling the shift in our conversation, my neck bristling. “What do you mean by that?”

  “Nothing.”

  “No. You mentioned it; now tell me what you mean.”

  “I’m just saying some don’t find me so repulsive.” Defensive anger bristled his words, his eyes not looking at me.

  “You mean Leanne.”

  His head lurched up, his chest inhaling.

  Bullseye.

  “No. I didn’t mean her.” His gaze went to the side. Scott was a bad liar. Always had been.

  “You think I’m blind?” I retorted. “Everyone can see she has a total crush on you.”

  “And you don’t mind?”

  “Why should I? She’s a sweet girl, and I know you’d never cross the line.” Scott shifted his weight to the other leg, peering down. My stomach dropped, alarm souring my stomach. “Did…did something happen with her?”

  “No.” His eyebrows furrowed, his answer fast and huffy.

  “You’re lying to me.” I folded my arms over my middle, as though I could block it from what I sensed was coming.

  “Nothing happened.” He drank his beer, turning his back to me.

  “Oh my god, something did. What, Scott? Tell me!”

  “It was no big deal.” He whirled around, his arms open. “It was nothing.”

  “Nothing? It was definitely something.”

  Silence.

  “Tell me!”

  “We kissed, okay? It was once, and I quickly stopped it. It didn’t mean anything.”

  “When?” My shoulders heaved, but I felt strangely calm inside.

  “Why does it matter?”

  “When!?”

  “The other night. Does that make you happy? We were both drunk and playing video games, and it was over before it even started. It was a stupid mistake.”

  “The night everyone was here?”

  “Yeah.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “The guys had left, and we were still drinking and gaming. We were laughing and having fun, and I don’t know…it just happened.”

  No words found their way to my mouth.

  “Say something.”

  “There’s not much to say.”

  “It didn’t mean anything.”

  “Was it why you were so eager to have sex that night? Out of guilt?”

  “No!” He shove
d the chair into the table. “It’s not okay to want to have sex with my beautiful girlfriend?”

  I wrapped my arms around me tighter.

  His shoulders deflated, not getting the fight he was probably expecting.

  “We’ve been so distant lately. We barely see each other. We’re both working all the time. And with school…” He took a deep breath. “I was drunk and stupid. I’m so sorry.”

  Nipping on my bottom lip, I stared down at my boots. I was hurt and mad, but at the same time, I was being a hypocrite. Even if Frost was a hallucination…every touch had been very real to me.

  And I had wanted more.

  “Di?” Scott’s voice broke over my name. “I’m so sorry.”

  I nodded, my throat thick. “I know.”

  He ambled up to me. “Can you forgive me?”

  I swallowed, my head slowly bobbing. Oddly, I wasn’t mad at him or Leanne. I felt sad, like I was mourning something.

  Scott wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in, his head tucking into my neck. He was only an inch taller than me, so he didn’t have to lean over me to do it. “I love you.”

  “Love you too.” The sentiment came out automatically, like a habit, almost not hearing the words at all anymore. I did love Scott with all my heart, but I couldn’t ignore the sliver embedding in my chest. Small, but I could feel it swelling with doubt.

  “Let’s go to bed.” He kissed my temple, pulling away from me. “We can talk about this all tomorrow. We’re both exhausted.”

  “Yeah. Of course.” I nodded, not feeling as sure as I sounded.

  “Okay.” He blew out in relief, heading for the bedroom. “I just want to take a shower and forget this day.”

  He strolled down the hallway to the bedroom, but I didn’t follow.

  I felt numb, depleted. Today had been one of my worst days. Breaking down in public, going to the hospital, and ending it with finding out my boyfriend kissed another girl. But I didn’t feel any of the emotions I should have, especially for the last one. I wasn’t angry or jealous. If Leanne walked in right now, I wouldn’t have one single issue with her.

  Why was that? Why didn’t I feel any kind of jealousy? I always thought a small amount of possessiveness was a sign of a healthy relationship, but it didn’t feel that way right now. I glanced to the sofa, and I pictured them sitting together gaming, laughing and teasing each other, their bodies close. And then kissing. I could picture it so easily, as though it were the most normal thing in the world.

  My stomach twisted, and tears jumped into my eyes, a sob sticking in my lungs. Not because the image of them kissing bothered me, but because it didn’t.

  Tucking my chin to my chest, a tear fell down my cheek. I could feel things changing, my walls tumbling down, and I could do nothing to stop them.

  “Dinah, why the hell is our comforter over the mirror?” Scott’s voice called from the other room.

  I bent over until my head hit the back of the sofa.

  Fuck a nutcracker.

  Chapter 17

  The rest of the week moved at a glacial pace, filled with tension and fear. Between school, work, and home, I lived in a constant state of apprehension at every noise or object moving. Everything made me jump and doubt my own thoughts and senses.

  My parents were hounding me about whether I had made an appointment to see my therapist. Their worry bled out so much, they even postponed dinner with Alice and Matt. It seemed like they didn’t want me to infect her again. While Scott and I danced around each other, acting as if everything was all right, we both knew nothing was. The gap between us that had never been there was widening. We never had our talk, since our work and school schedules seemed to be at constant odds, orbiting around each other.

  The season was in high gear at work, and finals before winter break were looming, casting more stress down on us, picking at our nerves and moods like vultures. I struggled concentrating in class, turning more and more to my sketches, longing to start developing the scenes in a program, make them really come to life.

  “Those are darker than normal.” Professor Cogsworth’s wide frame came up next to my seat, his stubby finger touching my scene.

  “Professor.” I stupidly tried to cover up my bad artwork, hiding the fact once again I wasn’t paying attention to his class. “I was just—”

  “Not doing your assignment.” A smile poked out between his split beard. “So unlike you, Dinah.”

  I bit down on my lip, full of shame at disappointing one of my favorite teachers.

  “I’m sorry.” I pulled my laptop closer to me. “Working on it now.”

  He studied me for a moment.

  “You know, Dinah, life isn’t a straight line. There are so many twists and turns, veering you off course. But not always are they detours. Sometimes life is trying to tell you something.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” A flush came up my neck to my cheeks, his statement stirring me in my seat.

  “Sometimes it’s about risking everything for a dream no one else can see but you.”

  My lungs clenched, blood burning deeper into my face, as if the man was peering into my soul, seeing everything I was trying to hide.

  “I-I don’t understand.” My voice came out quiet and shaky.

  He tipped his head, his expression serious and intent. “I think you do.”

  My throat dried up, dampness lining my hairline.

  “Let go of what you think should be, and you will find the world is full of wonder and possibilities. Don’t let your own mind cage you. You are meant for more, Dinah. So much more than this provincial life.” He shook his head, a huge smile pillowing his cheeks, his happy demeanor returning. “Now get back to work, or I might have to tattle on you to your father when we have coffee tomorrow.” He patted my arm, strolling away, leaving me shaken and unnerved.

  My head turned back to my laptop, numbers and letters strung out in endless lines and blocks. Just a moment ago, they all made perfect sense, black and white. Now I stared at them like they were foreign, the figures blurring together into a solid background. Chunks of the coding came together, my eyes locked on the words forming on the screen, reminding me of those pictures if you stared at long enough, you could see a design.

  IT’S TIME, DINAH popped from the screen, freezing my chest.

  I blinked, and the writing was gone. I just saw my half-written code waiting for me to finish.

  A chill ran up my spine, and I slammed my laptop shut, jumping up from my chair, shoving my stuff in my bag, my heart thumping in my chest.

  “Dinah? Class isn’t over.” I heard Professor Cogsworth call for me as I beelined out of the room, my lungs feeling as if they had a rope around them, strangling out the air.

  Stepping out into the night, the freezing winter air smacked me in the face, punching down my throat. The painful draw of breath helped steady my feet.

  While my lungs loosened, taking in air, my skin prickled…and not from the cold. Like someone blew on the back of my neck, alarm shivered through me, darting my gaze around the grounds. I knew I was being watched. Like thousands of needles poking into my skin, I could sense eyes on me. Hunting. Waiting.

  Only a few figures here and there moved across campus, the light from the lampposts casting an eerie glow down on the frosted pathways, shadows deep where the light did not reach. I had always been cautious. As a woman in this world, you had to be. I carried pepper spray with me, but it wasn’t the human monsters I was afraid of.

  It was the ones in my mind.

  Swallowing, I headed for the parking lot, my feet treading quickly down the path. My skin crawled as if tiny ants covered it. I pushed my feet into a run, anxiety pumping my pulse in my ears.

  A gust of wind whipped up around me.

  “Diiinnnaaahhh.”

  A cry slipped from my mouth as I searched my bag for my keys, my fingers clumsy, dropping them onto the ground.

  “Shit.” I hissed as the keys tumbled to the ground, sliding under
my car. Dropping down to my knees, I reached underneath, skimming the ground and coming up empty, feeling my panic bloom.

  Every lamp in the parking lot went black in unison, locking my muscles in terror, collapsing my lungs. The slice of moon peering through the clouds barely outlined objects, the lot a blanket of darkness.

  A low, deep growl rolled over me like thick fog, seeping around my bones. My mind flipped to pure panic, draining out all thoughts.

  The sound of feet crunching through a thin layer of icy snow scraped down my spine, thrusting my heart into my throat, each step sounding closer to me

  Do something my brain yelled at me.

  Slipping my head under the car, my hand frantically searching for my keys, I spotted a glint of metal up against the front passenger side tire.

  The heavy footsteps were nearing my car. I could hear its panting and the rattle in its throat every time it exhaled.

  Acting purely on instinct, I slid my body under my car, clutching the keys through my knuckles. Laying on my stomach, I stared out, bracing myself, my breathing and pounding heart so loud it felt like a beacon, leading the monster to me.

  Thump.

  Thump.

  Its footprints and my heart drummed together. Movement at the front of my car clogged my lungs, my eyes filling with tears. My form turned into a statue as the thing paused in front of my car. I couldn’t recognize anything but what looked like boots with long, scraggly fur, the legs the size of tree trunks.

  A cry of terror lodged in my throat, my teeth crunching together to keep any sound from escaping.

  For a moment it didn’t move, then I heard another low growl.

  “Sqqquuueeekkk.” The sound of a nail scraping across metal tore through my eardrums, slamming fear through me so deeply, my head spun, bile coating my mouth in acid.

  The creature moved, and my eyes darted, watching every movement as it came around my car, pausing at the driver’s side. It inhaled through its nose like it was sniffing the air for me. Holding my breath, I dug my nails into my palms, ready to scramble out the other side. It stood there for another beat.

  Every one of my nerves was alive, every sense so heightened it hurt. I was expecting it to lean under and grab me, but instead, it stepped back, disappearing from view.