The Phantom of Barker Mill

by steve higgs

  ‘I’ll just have to set some ground rules I guess.’ Big Ben said, looking less certain now.

  ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ I asked.

  ‘Mate, I would rather ask the cute girl at the pharmacy for petite size condoms.’ He looked as scared as I was feeling.

  Behind him Debbie was pulling her coat tighter around herself, it was cool out and a breeze had blown through the car park chilling us all.

  Big Ben stood up straight, set his jaw and turned to go. Crazy or not he had decided to see the task through. I threw myself at him and tackled him to the ground.

  ‘Goodness boys. There is no need to fight over me.’ Debbie said.

  Big Ben had come to rest face down with his hands beneath his chest as if he was about to perform a press up. I was untangling my arms from his legs where I had landed partially on top of him. We both looked up at her.

  ‘You can both have me.’ Debbie added.

  ‘Screw that.’ I heard Jagjit say from behind me.

  Big Ben and I agreed wholeheartedly with that sentiment, throwing ourselves upwards off the floor and making a scramble to get back inside the pub. Jagjit, Hilary, and Basic blocked our way causing a logjam as we shoved them roughly through the aperture in a desperate bid to escape the horny fat woman outside.

  I tumbled through the doorway into the warmth and relative safety inside still pushing Jagjit ahead of me. I tripped and fell on the sill of the door, drawing the attention of the old lady who had already chastised me once for leaving the door open. She just looked down at me and tutted.

  As I began to get up from the slightly moist and sticky carpet, I heard a quiet yelp from Big Ben. I shot my head around to look over my shoulder at the doorway behind me. He was half in, half out of the door, but he was horizontal and gripping the corner of the fruit machine positioned by it with both hands. His legs were outside the door somewhere.

  We locked eyes. ‘Help?' he mouthed somewhat impatiently as if I should already be off my arse and doing something.

  As I stood up, I could see that Debbie had hold of his ankles and was pulling him back outside. Hilary was staring in mute horror and neither Jagjit nor Basic had even noticed.

  ‘Fellas!’ I yelled. ‘Grab an arm!’

  Grasping Big Ben around his shoulders so I had a good grip, I tugged him away from the fruit machine which allowed him to lock his arms around my torso. He looked into my eyes, ‘Don’t let go.’ he pleaded.

  ‘Let him go.’ Debbie demanded, tugging at his legs. There were four men trying to pull Big Ben back into the supposed security of the pub and just one Debbie was holding her own against us. She did have a lot of mass and a low centre of gravity on her side. ‘He is coming with me!’ she shouted between grunted breaths.

  ‘No, he isn't.' I insisted. The ridiculous tug of war continued as a car pulled into the carpark. A couple in their twenties got out, looked at us inquiringly and sidestepped cautiously past us to get into the pub.

  Momentarily distracted by their passing, Debbie's grip loosened. With a final yank, Big Ben was free. We tumbled back into the pub in a pile out of breath on the floor.

  ‘My round?’ I asked feebly lying on my back. I had someone’s feet on me and my head was lying on someone else’s hip.

  ‘Someone’s bloody round, that’s for sure. I need a double.’ Hilary answered.

  My Parent's House. Saturday, 9th October 0951hrs

  I usually spent Sunday afternoon at my parent's house, but mum wanted me to help shifting some heavy plants around in the garden as they were to be bedded down in the greenhouse for winter, so was going over now instead. Quite why she went to the trouble of growing plants that could not tolerate the English winter I could not understand. I had, however, given up arguing about it many years ago. If I failed to help the task would simply fall to my father and he would struggle to complete it by himself. Between us, it would be easy.

  I had taken the dogs for a pleasant early morning walk across the vineyards and had some breakfast but had done little more than that before setting off for their house. They only lived a few miles away, so with the dogs in a neat pile on the passenger seat, I headed there taking the scenic, countryside route rather than the faster hop down the motorway.

  My parents were pretty good fun although my mother was disappointed that I had not supplied grandchildren yet and clearly felt my priorities were wrong because I ought to be impregnating someone surely. Marriage first of course and I got the impression that my mother did not care who I married just as long as I just got on with it. She was also not entirely content with my job. She did not exactly disapprove of my line of work but would much rather I do something that she could talk about in public without people asking her if she was serious.

  In contrast, my father was a delight. He was relaxed about just about everything, though I suspected that if my mother had been equally as relaxed, and as much fun as my father, then growing up there would have been too little discipline.

  The drive to their house had taken just a few minutes and as usual, as I swung into the street the two dogs popped their heads up attentively. They always knew they were arriving at my parent's house and I remain curious about whether it was smell or sound or some kind of dog GPS system that told them where they were.

  Parking outside their house, I remembered that the last time I was there mother had ambushed me with Debbie, the rather calorie enhanced sex pest that had sought me out at the pub last night and had previously turned up at my house in her underwear. She was not the first instance of my mother attempting to mate me off but had been by far the scariest proposition thus far. I felt confident that mother would not try the same trick again so soon, but just in case, I crept up to their front window and looked through it to scan the potential battleground. They were, however, both absent and were most likely already in the back garden getting started on the task planned for the morning.

  I went around the back of the house, following the dogs as they had shot off ahead of me. My parents were not in the garden though, they were still in the house. I could see dad washing up dishes at the kitchen sink. He looked up and spotted me when Bull barked at the back door. He waved a soapy mitt, grabbed a small towel to dry his hands and disappeared from view. He reappeared a few seconds later in the dining room and opened the door which was locked from the inside.

  Both dogs barrelled past him and headed for the kitchen, always on the hunt for food. Finding none, they soon whizzed by us heading deeper into the house to look for my mother, just in case she had some food for them.

  ‘Hey Dad, how’s it going?’ I asked.

  ‘Pretty good, kid.’

  ‘What you been up to?’

  ‘I tried out some frontin’ in the hood yesterday.’

  I gave him my most quizzical single eyebrow lift.

  He gave me a grin. ‘A young gentleman was rapping about it on the radio. He made it sound most entertaining, so I gave it a go. It seemed that all I needed was a Bentley with some bitches in the back. I had to make do with the Ford Escort and your mother and I may have not quite achieved the effect he intended as, to be honest, it was pretty much like any other journey with your mum. Still, the intention was there and that has to count for something.'

  ‘How did I turn out so normal, Dad?’

  ‘Honestly boy, I have no idea.’ he laughed.

  Mother arrived carrying Dozer. He was upside down and being cradled like a baby. He was clearly quite content with this arrangement and looked to be going to sleep as she stroked his belly.

  ‘Good morning, Tempest.’

  ‘Good morning, mother.’ The pleasantries concluded I turned to dad. ‘Shall we get started?’ I asked.

  ‘I’ll just finish washing up the breakfast things. Then I’ll be out.’

  ‘Haven’t you finished that yet, Michael?’ my mother asked.

  ‘Clearly not, you cantankerous old bag.' replied my father smiling. He headed for the kitchen, keeping a close eye on his wife
and leaping out of the way of the inevitable and well-earned kick when it came.

  A short while later, both of us are were beginning to perspire from the effort of shifting the heavy flower pots with their large plants in. Mother was directing our efforts from the comfort of a garden chair while continuing to stroke Dozer, who was at least now the right way up and sprawled asleep on her lap.

  The task of getting the plants in before the first frosts of late autumn damaged the tender stems, took little more than two hours, but I was glad to be finished. Mother had supplied tea and biscuits while we worked. Now we were sweeping the remains of a few fallen leaves and cooling down. It was cool enough outside that we needed a jumper or jacket, but the heavy lifting had dictated we strip down to t-shirts. Now that we had stopped all the heavy lifting the cool air was nipping at our exposed skin.

  ‘Let’s get inside.’ I suggested.

  ‘Agreed.’ Dad said. Mother was already inside.

  ‘Would you boys like a sandwich?’ My mother called out from the kitchen as we went in.

  ‘Cheese and pickle.’ My father replied.

  ‘Not for me, thank you.’ I said after a brief consideration of my options. I was going to use the fact that it was lunchtime and that I was hungry as an excuse to visit the coffee shop near my office and I would ask Hayley to accompany me on a date.

  I kissed my mother, shook my father’s hand and shooed the dogs out to the car.

  Grabbing Life by the Balls (AKA growing a set). Saturday, 9th October 1257hrs

  I checked my watch: 1257hrs. It seemed like a perfectly good time to get some lunch. Lunch was usually something healthy that I had prepared in advance as it is all too easy to encounter unnecessary calories and eating out or eating on the run just encourages that to happen. In my fridge at home, I had some fruit, a home-made granola bar, water and a Tupperware pot filled with a vegan salad. It was left over from yesterday when I had not managed to fit my lunch in. Rather than go home for it though, I was I was going for lunch at the coffee house in Rochester. It was time to deal with an altogether different need.

  I had parked my car in its usual spot behind my office and left the dogs on the passenger seat rather than take them to the coffee shop. I was sure they would be welcome but rather too distracted by all the people and food. It was cool enough that I had no concern about leaving the dogs in the car for a short period. They would just sleep.

  Hayley worked at the coffee shop. The two of us had been flirting harmlessly for months until a week or so ago when the flirting amped up a notch. We had exchanged numbers and Hayley had enquired if she could use my penis as a pogo stick. Hayley it seemed, knew what she wanted and was not inclined to dither about making her desires known. I had failed to commit to her request thus far because foolishly I had been pinning my hopes on Amanda wanting the same. Now though, Amanda worked for me and the chance of wearing her as a hat seemed not only less likely, but now also the other side of some invisible employee/employer barrier.

  It had been a dry year for me so far. Big Ben assured it was because I am a complete wazzock when it comes to women and that I have missed plenty of opportunities. Big Ben though would have shagged Hayley, Amanda, their sisters and their mothers the day he met them and thought nothing more about them, so his advice was parked and would stay that way. As I headed across the street, I wondered what I should say to Hayley. I didn't need to launch a charm offensive to woo her, nor did I need to play coy. Perhaps I could just enquire if she was available for a date later that week? It seemed too passive, she is a strong woman that knows her own mind and has already made her intentions clear. So, I should be assertive and tell her the time has come for her to get a damned good seeing to. Or was that just too laddish?

  My idle musing had led me across the street and into the coffee shop. It was busy today. I rarely go in, other than first thing in the morning, so I was not used to seeing the lunchtime crowd. I joined the queue behind a pair of chaps in work fatigues, their cargo pants worn from use and dotted here and there with paint or other fluids that had stuck or stained but had no negative effect on the usefulness of the garment.

  Hayley appeared from the kitchen bearing two plates on which were what looked like toasted sandwiches. My stomach growled as the scent assailed my nostrils. Perhaps my diet could allow me such an indulgence for once. I had seen on their menu a salt beef sandwich, which I knew was a hefty offering, loaded with slice after slice of beef and swiss cheese plus mustard and pickles. I would compensate by hitting the gym again tonight and drinking water instead of getting the hot chocolate I had planned.

  I tried to catch Hayley’s eye as she went past. She was oblivious to my presence though. The queue moved forward and I with it. I estimated my wait would be no longer than two minutes before I was ordering. Hayley swept past on the other side of the shop once more and disappeared into the kitchen to collect the next order. Now that I thought of it, lunchtime was probably the worst time to talk to her as they were so busy. It did not matter though, if I failed to speak with her now I would come back later. Texting works just fine but, and forgive me if this is old-fashioned, if you intend to invite a young lady out then one should do so in person.

  I reached the front of the queue and ordered a large bottle of sparkling water with a glass and ice and the sandwich to eat in. I was handed a little stand thing with a number on it so that my food order could be brought to my table. I took it and my beverage to the nearest available seat and plopped myself down to wait.

  The wait was no more than a few minutes, my patience rewarded with Hayley herself bringing my sandwich out. I saw her coming and was watching for the moment when she recognised me. It happened only after she paused to scan the room for the order number on my table. Having seen it, she looked at me and her face lit up in what appeared to be genuine pleasure. This certainly boosted my ego.

  ‘Hello, Tempest.’ she purred at me as she neared.

  ‘Hello, lovely.' I answered meaning it. Hayley had on her usual work clothes combination of jeans, t-shirt, and trainers with an apron tied around her waist. The t-shirt had a coffee stain above her left breast and several grease spots dotted about. Despite the unflattering clothes she looked knockout still. Her hair was a deep lustrous brunette that fell to well below her shoulders. It was tied up today in a loose swirl. Her eyes, set just a few inches above her gloriously full smile, were a deep chocolate brown and seemed to dance with perpetual pleasure. Hayley was full of curves rather than lean or athletic and the whole package was just so enticing.

  Hayley placed the sandwich in front of me and sat down in the chair next to me. Customers be damned. ‘So, what brings you in here today, Tempest?’ her voice was deliberately demure.

  I had always loved the flirting game. Even if I had never been great at converting the flirting into something more, I was good at this bit. ‘Dear lady, I am here only for you.’ It might be a line, but it was also true. ‘I have resisted the need to be close to you for too long, so perhaps it is now time to end the flirting and spend some time together.’

  Hayley's eyes dilated as I spoke, they were locked with mine and as I watched the tip of her sexy tongue darted out to wet her lips. It might have been an unconscious act, but it went straight to my groin where someone was already beginning to stir. She had been sat with her back against the chair and one leg crossed over the other. She uncrossed them now and leaned forward to bring her face close to mine. She placed a warm, small hand on my right thigh and whispered ‘I'm going to sit on your face the first chance I get. Text me.'

  My pulse hammered out a quick staccato beat at the thought and Mr. Wriggly did his famous submarine impression and went up periscope. Hayley stood, brushed her lips against my cheek as she went and headed back to the kitchen without another glance.

  Well, goodness, I was horny now. My pulse was returning to normal, but I dared not get out of my seat lest I scare small children with the lump in my trousers. I swigged some water and tucked into my sandwic
h. Reflecting on it later, the sandwich itself was glorious, but at the time it never registered as my thoughts were so focused on the potentially very naked and willing Hayley.

  My Sister. Saturday, 9th October 1415hrs

  I had taken my time leaving the coffee shop, but as expected, the dogs had barely registered that I had been gone and were asleep in a ball on the passenger seat where I had left them. As I opened the door to my car, I was rewarded with the joyful scent of warm furry creatures. Before I pulled away I had duly sent a text to Hayley inviting her to join me tonight for dinner out. I suggested we eat at 2000hrs tonight. Her reply had come back in less than a minute, sent from the kitchen where she was still invisibly working. It thanked me for the invite, accepted and advised me that she would pick me up from my house.

  A date with Hayley tonight. It was an exciting prospect which was greatly distracting me from the task of driving my car. I chastised myself for daydreaming and gave myself a mental shake. Thinking more clearly now, instead of fantasising about Hayley taking her knickers off, I called a restaurant I knew served great food and reserved a table.

  Pulling onto the drive at my house, I sent a fresh text, ‘Dear Hayley, I have reserved a table at the Wild Oak in Aylesford for 2000hrs. I look forward to seeing you this evening.'

  The Wild Oak in nearby village Aylesford was a gastro-pub where I had eaten a few times. It was well known in the area and I was surprised to have been able to get a table. The food was excellent and expensive enough to give the impression one was not skimping, while also not so outrageously expensive that the cost could barely be justified. They served a lot of locally sourced game and fish paired with seasonal vegetables. The lighting and tables were arranged to create the impression of intimacy even when surrounded by other diners. I was already looking forward to it.