by TJ Klune
“You’re still going to have babies, right?” Dad said, blood draining from his face. “Paul, you promised me grandbabies.”
“I promised you no such thing,” I said. “You were all up on Vince, convincing him that—”
“Because you can’t spell convincing without Vince,” Vince said.
“Oh, baby,” I said. “You can. You really, really can.”
He looked confused, and I could see him mouthing the letters. “Oh,” he finally said. “Right. My bad.”
“And this has nothing to do with kids, anyway,” I continued. “We haven’t had that discussion. We probably won’t have that discussion for a very long time.”
“It’s not like you’re getting any younger,” Dad muttered.
“Hey!”
“Oh snap,” Nana said. “That sounded like it burned. Holla.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm myself.
“Uh-oh,” Mom said. “He’s doing that nostril thing. Larry, I think he’s being serious.”
“I don’t do a nostril thing!”
“Yes you do,” everyone else said.
“I think it’s cute,” Vince said. “It’s one of the first things I noticed about you.”
“Aww,” Nana said. “That’s so sweet.”
“One of the first things you noticed was my nostrils?” I asked, outraged.
“And your ass,” he said, leering at me.
“Language,” Dad said. “But how nice.”
“The love here is so overwhelming,” Mom said.
“And that’s why we want you to share in our love,” Vince said.
“I’m not into open relationships,” Nana said.
“Oh dear,” Mom said. “I don’t think I am either. And we’re related to Paul.”
“You’re a handsome man,” Dad said to Vince. “But I don’t want Paul to be jealous, even if I’m a DILF.”
I banged my head on the table.
“It’s not that,” Vince said. “We want you to….” He hesitated, looking down at my hand in his lap. Then he proceeded to shatter my heart into a thousand tiny pieces. “I don’t have parents. Not anymore. My mom… well. You know what happened to her. And even if she hadn’t died, I don’t know that anything would have changed. I hadn’t talked with them. Not like—not for a long time. Not anything meaningful. And then came Paul and with Paul came all of you, and for the first time in a long time, I thought maybe I could have something just for me. Someone that didn’t care that I wasn’t always the smartest person or didn’t need for me to act a certain way because of an election.”
Well fuck me up and call me his bitch. If he could just think of this off the top of his head, I was absolutely doomed when it came to his vows. There was absolutely no fucking way I was going to win this bet. That asshole. That beautiful, sweet asshole.
He looked back up at my parents, who were clutching each other’s hands on top of the table. Mom’s knuckles were white with tension. He huffed out a little breath. “I thought that after she died that things would be… different. Maybe my dad would see me differently. That he’d realize some things weren’t worth losing your family over. I waited, but he never called. And I almost called him a few times, but I didn’t.”
I hadn’t known that. It made me ache a little.
“And after a while, I stopped waiting. Because I saw what was right in front of me, you know? I didn’t need him to be my family because I already had one.”
Jesus Christ. Even Nana was wiping her eyes.
“Sorry I rambled,” Vince said, blushing furiously as if he realized just how monumental his words were. “I just… wanted you to know. So when we asked you to walk us down the aisle, you would. Because gender norms, right? We don’t need them. NPR taught me that. And Paul.”
I was so going to get the radio fixed as soon as possible.
“What he means,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady, “is that Nana is already standing up with me. We’d like it if Mom would walk with Vince and Dad would walk with me, and then both stand with us too.”
Mom burst into tears.
Nana started wailing.
Wheels howled.
Johnny Depp screeched.
Dad looked thunderstruck.
“Wow,” Vince said. “Did I do all of that? Holy crap, Paul, you’re so boned when it comes to the wedding vows! Ha! Suck on that, motherfucker! Oh, sorry, Larry.”
“Language,” Dad scolded him, wrapping an arm around Mom’s shoulders as she laid her head against him and cried.
Vince leaned over to me, mouth near my ear. “I didn’t mean to make them cry,” he whispered. “Was that okay?”
I turned my head and kissed him hard. “Yeah,” I said as I broke the kiss. “You did okay. They’re happy.”
“You’re ours too,” Mom said, hiccupping just a little. “You have been since the day Paul brought you home for the first time.”
“Yeah?” Vince said, sounding hopeful.
“It’s why we wanted you to call us your parents,” Dad said. “Because you’re just as much ours as Paul is. And Kori and Sandy. And, most likely one day, Darren.”
“Oh, I’ve always wanted to have a big family,” Nana said. “How lucky are we?”
“Vince is going to change his last name to Auster,” I blurted. And then, “Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that yet.”
And even my father’s eyes were wet at that. “It’s a good name,” he said gruffly. “German peanut farmer name, in case you didn’t know.”
“So it’s okay?” Vince asked shyly. “I can be an Auster too?”
I didn’t think I’d ever seen my mother move as quickly as she did then, pushing up from her chair and running around the table, laughing and crying as she all but tackled Vince. His chair rocked back dangerously, but I caught it before they both toppled over. She sat in his lap as she hugged him, chin on the top of his head. “You can be an Auster too,” she said. “And I would be honored to walk with you.”
“And the same for me,” Dad said, looking straight at me. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am right now. Thank you, son. It’s probably going to be my favorite day ever.”
“I haven’t been this happy either,” Nana said, bottom lip trembling.
“Paul’s a dirty whore who gave me herpes!” Johnny Depp shrieked.
“Okay,” Nana said. “I lied. Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”
Chapter Four: The Great American Bro-Off
March 12, 2016
T-Minus 14 Days
“PLEASE MAKE an immediate right turn,” That Damn Bitch said.
“We’re literally stopped on a bridge right now,” I growled at the GPS. “There are cement girders on either side of us. I can’t turn.”
“Recalculating,” she snapped at me.
“Maybe you should consider getting a new car,” Sandy said from the passenger seat. “Your GPS wants to kill you, your radio is making Vince smarter. All of this sounds like a recipe for disaster.”
“And yet we still find ourselves getting in the car every time,” Corey said from the backseat. “It’s like we don’t know how to learn lessons.”
“Your destination is… four hours and… fifty-seven minutes… away,” That Damn Bitch said. “Please proceed on the highlighted route.”
“Where the hell is she taking us now?” I groaned.
Sandy played with the touch screen in the car. “Uh-oh.”
“Uh-oh?”
“Did you know that on the road to Sedona there’s a place called Bloody Basin? Apparently she wants you to go there.”
“Murder car,” Corey breathed.
“Recalculating,” That Damn Bitch spat.
“Why do you even need the GPS?” Sandy asked. “You’ve been out to the horse farm before. Can’t you remember how to get there?”
“Horse ranch,” I corrected. “And it’s really far out here. I don’t want to get lost. We’re already running behind schedule in
meeting with the wedding coordinator. I don’t want to take any chances.”
“Please proceed on highlighted route,” That Damn Bitch said.
“Okay, we’re not that far from the Sanctuary,” Sandy said, looking at the screen. “Be tee dubs, that sounds like a place for a cult. Why are you getting married at a horse cult farm?”
“Heh,” Corey said. “Or a colt farm. Get it? Horse and cult? Colt? Colts are horses? Right? Yeah, you guys get it. You’re not laughing because it’s too good. I get up all in your shit.”
“You know how I feel about you telling jokes,” Sandy said. “The answer you’re looking for is not good.”
“I’m awesome at jokes,” Corey muttered. “And why isn’t Vince here? Shouldn’t he be the one to come with you? It’s not even nine in the morning on a Saturday. The first Saturday of spring break, mind you. I should still be in bed and considering a lazy jerk-off before going for some Pop-Tarts.”
“Children these days,” Sandy said to me, rolling his eyes.
“Vince and Darren are bro-bonding or whatever they do when they do stuff,” I said. “Probably grab-ass ball in the park while checking out the racks of all the frat guys. I don’t know. I’m not a bro, so I can’t do that.”
“Why can’t we be bros?” Corey asked. “We’re all guys. Well. Okay. Some of the time we’re all guys.”
“I’m always a guy,” I said.
“Sure you are, Agnes Beaverton.”
“I will never forgive you for that,” I hissed at Sandy.
Who proved he knew me way too well by ignoring me completely. “We’re besties,” Sandy said to Corey. “There’s a difference.”
“This sounds borderline stereotyping,” Corey said. “Maybe I want to be a bro.”
I snorted. “There’s no way you can pull off being a bro. Either of you. You both flail too much.”
“Bullshit,” they both said at the same time.
“I could totally be a bro,” Sandy said. “Hello. I’m a drag queen. In case you didn’t know, that means I can do pretty much anything.”
“And I’m blaxican,” Corey said. “Which automatically means I’m badass. Also, I just found one of Vince’s baseball hats here in the back. I’m going to wear it and cock the bill to the side so people know I probably used too much Axe body spray and am serious about bro-ing.”
“Can we please just focus on why we’re in the middle of buttfuck nowhere?” I pleaded. “I just want to get in, have what’s-her-nut show us some shit, and then get out and go home and take off my pants. That’s all I want.”
“Sure, dude,” Sandy said, slumping down in his seat and putting his feet on the dash.
“Yeah, man,” Corey said from the backseat. “I got you, bro.”
“Oh no,” I whispered.
SANCTUARY WAS exactly that: an oasis in the middle of the desert. The hills around were sand and rock and filled with cacti and scrub brush, but the ranch itself consisted of grass so green it almost looked manufactured. There were stone paths throughout the ranch, large palm trees lining either side. A huge barn was at the east end. There was a ballroom with a large outdoor patio made of imported Italian tile. There were Chinese lanterns that were strewn along the ranch. I’d never been here at night before, but the wedding was to take place at sunset and I’d only seen pictures from previous weddings. It was going to be beautiful when it was all said and done.
We just had to get to that point.
And there was a chance we wouldn’t, given the possibility that I’d be sitting in jail for the murder of two of my best friends.
“Welcome back to the Sanctuary,” Sophia said, a bright smile on her face. She’d been assigned as our wedding coordinator. She’d had an impressive portfolio when we’d been considering the ranch, and Vince liked her, even as I grimaced at how lavish the place was. But I’d known then as I knew now that I’d give him whatever he wanted. “It’s so nice to see you again, Mr. Auster.”
Hence the goddamn horse ranch.
“I told you to call me Paul,” I reminded her. She was a petite woman, just a little older than Corey, which meant she was a baby. But she had this spunk about her that I normally detested, but somehow worked for her. She was the type that had been a cheerleader in her Catholic high school and shrieked things like J-E-S-U-S! HE’S OUR SAVIOR AND THE BEST! GOOOO JESUS! and then graduated and became an adult, but still jumped for Jesus.
Or something.
“Paul,” she said as if I’d bestowed upon her the greatest gift known to mankind. “Of course. Paul. Paul!”
“Yikes,” I said. “Er. Hi, Sophia.”
“Where’s Vince?” she asked, glancing down at the clipboard in her hands. “Is he running behind schedule?”
“No, he’s with his brother today. He was good with me coming here on my own and giving the okay on anything we needed.”
“But you’re not exactly alone, right, brah?” a voice said from behind me.
I closed my eyes and sighed.
“Oooh,” Sophia said. “And who do we have here?”
“If you ignore them,” I told her, “they don’t exist.”
She looked at me strangely.
I looked at her even more strangely.
“I’m Sanford,” Sandy said. “Best bud. We drink broskis together. My favorite president is Theodore Broosevelt.”
“Oh my God,” I moaned, putting my face in my hands.
“Corey,” the other idiot said, hat cocked on his head at a ridiculous angle. “My friends call me C-Rock. Paul and I go way back. We met playing frolf. Legit.”
“Ooo… kay,” Sophia said. “What’s frolf?”
“Frisbee golf. It’s how we do. It is how we do.”
“Okay, then,” Sophia said, the smile on her face a little dimmed. “Paul. Sanford. And… C-Rock.”
“No,” Sandy said. “Changed my mind. I also have a bro name.”
“Whyyyyy,” I said, staring up at the sky in anger.
“It’s S-Word,” Sandy said rather gleefully.
“S-Word?” Sophia frowned.
“Say it all together slowly. It has a double meaning.”
“S… wooord. Swoooord. Oh! Sword. I get it!”
“Damn right,” Sandy said. “Double named because I’m double-edged.”
“Sophia, can you give me a moment with my… these people?” I asked, smiling sweetly at her.
“Oh, of course! I’ll just go wait near the entrance to the Rio Salado Ballroom. It’s the double doors at the end of the hall. Let me know when you’re ready!”
And she had a peppy skip in her step as she walked away.
“Thank you, Sophia!” I called after her. “You’re a peach, a lifesaving peach, and I would just—okay, what the fuck are you two doing?”
“We’re bros,” Sandy said as if I was stupid.
“Super Mario Bros, even,” Corey said.
They high-fived without looking away from me.
It was rather creepy.
And annoying.
“You do not get to mess this up for me,” I snapped at them. “I mean it. One thing goes wrong, and I will take it out on your hides later, you get me?”
“Bro,” Sandy said. “You need to chillax. Who you think you talkin’ to?”
“Yeah,” Corey echoed. “You talkin’ to us. Chillax.”
“I will bathe in your blood.”
“Settle down there, Brosef Stalin,” Sandy said.
“Seriously,” Corey said. “Take a chill pill, Napoleon Bronaparte.”
“I hate you both so goddamn much,” I said before I whirled on my heels and stormed down the hall. I ignored the sounds of them following behind me, muffling their laughter with their hands over their mouths. I just needed to get through this tour, and we could leave. I would then drive as far into the desert as I could and leave Sandy and Corey there to die. No one would blame me. I’d probably even get a medal.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent a text to Vince.
&nbs
p; Paul: You owe me so much for this.
The response was almost immediate.
Vince: who dis
Paul: You asshole
Vince: jk i know who dis. S + C makin you mad???
Paul: They’re pretending to be bros.
Vince: bros?????
Paul: Douchebags
Vince: oh. darren sez we r bros too. we’ll have a bro-off.
Paul: I hate you too now.
Vince: lie. <3 luv u
Paul: I love you too
Sophia had regained the full wattage of her smile when we approached the entrance to the Rio Salado Ballroom. Her eyes flickered over my shoulder and widened slightly before she looked back at me. I glanced over my shoulder to see Sandy and Corey walking with heavy limps like they’d hurt themselves somehow.
“It’s how bros walk,” Corey said, giving me a thumbs-up. “Or gangstas. I’ll admit. I don’t really know what I’m doing right now, but it feels good.”
“Ignore them,” I said when I turned back to Sophia. “They were involved in an accident. Inhaled far too many chemicals. Slowed their mental capacity.”
“Oh,” Sophia said. “Those poor dears. Good on you for taking them with you.”
“Hey!” Sandy said. “I’m not slow. That’s rude and probably offensive to someone somewhere, and you know I don’t like offending people.”
“You’re rude and offensive,” I snarled at him.
“We’re not slow,” Corey told Sophia. “We’re bromosexuals.”
“And this is the Rio Salado Ballroom,” Sophia said, pushing open the doors. “While we can typically hold receptions for up to two hundred and fifty people, I understand your desire to keep the guest list much, much smaller. But given the package that you’ve purchased, this ballroom will be used. If you’d like a much more intimate experience while retaining the ambience, we have a divider that slides out of that far wall and can cut the size of the ballroom in half.”
And it really was nice, much nicer than even I remembered when we’d come here at the end of last year. The carpet under our feet was clean and looked expensive. Crystal chandeliers hung above us. The walls were dominated by large windows, offering a view on all sides. Horses were grazing in the fields around us.