by TJ Klune
“You’re not taking him away,” I growled. “Now get off my lawn before I use my right as an American citizen to shoot you in the kneecap.”
“You don’t have a gun,” Sandy said, rolling his eyes.
“Vince bought a nail gun,” I said. “We’re tool owners because we’re men and we do construction projects on stuff.”
“Paul’s not allowed to use it,” Vince said. “He almost shot a bird on accident and then he cried about it because he thought it was considered attempted murder.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side,” I snapped over my shoulder.
And then, completely unfairly, he said, “I’m always on your side.” He put his hand on my back and rubbed it in a slow circle. “And I always will be.”
“You three stay right there,” I said, pointing my finger at the interlopers. They looked amused as I slammed the door in their faces and turned around to maul my man for being so goddamn awesome. He grunted as I crashed into him and laughed in my face when I slobbered on his chin, but it quickly turned heated when my tongue found his. He groaned and pressed me up against the door, rolling his hips.
“God,” I gasped as he started gnawing on my neck. “This is just swell.”
There was a pounding on the door behind me. “You better not be giving him a hickey!” Sandy shouted. “Vince, I swear to God that if you mark him up and it shows up in the photos, I will ensure the rest of your life is a living hell, you understand me?”
“Quick,” I said. “Pull my shirt collar down and suck on my shoulder. I wanna have a mark.”
He did just that.
When I was properly satisfied by his level of commitment, I pushed him away, wiped my lips, and opened the door again.
“You’re disgusting,” Sandy said, eyeing me up and down. “Do you know how many times I’ve had to walk in on you and Vince this week alone? Jesus, Paul. You should be chafing by now. It’s going to fall off if you keep this up, you know. That’s a fact backed by medical science. I heard it on NPR.”
“You don’t listen to NPR,” Darren said.
Sandy turned slowly to look at Darren, who didn’t look repentant in the slightest. The Homo Jock King was growing on me. “I’m sorry,” Sandy said pleasantly. “I didn’t know that you were asked your opinion.”
Darren snorted. “Notice how that wasn’t an opinion. It was based in fact.” And then he leaned forward and pressed a swift kiss to Sandy’s forehead, causing Sandy to sputter.
“Yeah,” Corey muttered. “I’m so glad I came for this. Please, all of you. Continue being gross.”
“One day you’ll find someone who makes you as happy as Paul makes me,” Vince said earnestly. “I just know it.”
I tried to slam the door in their faces so I could make out with him some more (because no one could resist Vince Taylor saying something sweet like that and not want to stick their hand down the front of his jeans to jerk him off a little bit), but Sandy shouldered his way in, ignoring the way I squawked in outrage as I stumbled against Vince.
“Trespassers!” I hissed. “Vince! Hand me my phone so I can call and have these people arrested for entering my dwelling without permission.”
“I’ll enter your dwelling anytime you want,” Vince said, waggling his eyebrows.
“Now’s not the time for dirty talk!”
“That’s your dirty talk?” Sandy asked, throwing his coat down on the couch and becoming a severe pain in my ass. “Disappointing. Paul, have I taught you nothing?”
“You still rhyme your dirty talk,” Darren said. “I don’t know if you have room to say anything at all.”
“I stopped doing that!”
“Last week, you told me you wanted to eat my ass while sitting on grass, and then you were going to give my dick a lick.”
“Dear Jesus,” Corey said, looking up at the ceiling. “Please tell your dad to smite all the gays right now. I beg of you.”
“You can’t call 911,” Vince said. “They don’t like it when you make prank phone calls. Not that I would know anything about that.” He shifted his eyes side to side.
“We’ll come back to that,” I said. “Because you’re a terrible liar and there’s obviously a story there. But first, they’re here to kidnap you for some archaic tradition that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. We don’t need to spend the night before our wedding apart. That’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid,” Sandy said. “Everyone does it.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“To preserve virtue or some shit.”
“Paul doesn’t have any virtue left,” Vince said. “I made sure of that.”
“So this is what being a fifth wheel feels like,” Corey said. “Neat.”
“And it’s just for one night,” Sandy said. “I don’t see what the big deal is. Me and Corey will stay here with you, Vince will go over to Darren’s and bro-out, maybe have a bro-beque—”
“Don’t you fucking dare start that again. I will rip off your motherfucking lips, Sanford Stewart.”
“—and then tomorrow, your fairy princess wedding will come true and everything will be wonderful and you’ll live happily ever after.”
“And Paul will cry like a little bitch because I’m going to win our bet,” Vince muttered under his breath.
I whirled around on him. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” he said, smiling sweetly. “Just saying how much I love you. Also, you should probably write your vows since you haven’t even started.”
“I have started, you fucking dick. In fact, they are so amazing that there won’t be a goddamn dry eye in the state by the time I’m done.”
“You haven’t started?” Sandy said, sounding outraged. “Are you out of your damn mind? You are going to ruin my wedding that I planned for you! That’s it. Vince! Get into your room. I need to make sure you’re properly packed. Corey, come with me. Darren, you stay here and make sure Paul doesn’t try to make a run for it or grab a knife to try and stab me when I come back. Paul, after they leave, we are going to sit down and not get up until your vows are finished exactly how I think they should be. I’ve obviously given you too much freedom in this matter. It’s time to tighten the leash.”
“Okay,” Vince said. “We do have a leash and collar in the closet. Just make sure you get the one for humans and not for Wheels. Paul doesn’t like it when I accidentally grab the wrong one.”
“You kinky sumbitch,” Sandy said, sounding impressed. Then he shook his head. “You know what? No. No more distractions. Everyone hop to it right now!”
Vince and Corey ran down the hall, shoving each other as they tried to be the first to get to our bedroom. Sandy grabbed Darren by the jaw, laid a dirty kiss on him, and then shoved his face away before he walked regally toward the bedroom.
“Stop staring at my best friend like you want to pork his beans,” I said to Darren. “That’s revolting and I don’t want to see that look on your face again. It’s unnatural and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
“Oh,” he said easily. “I do a hell of a lot more than that.”
“You’re a terrible person.”
“It keeps me up at night. So does Sandy sitting on my dick.”
“You should get out of my house. I don’t have time for you.”
“Right,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Because you still need to write your vows. Way to leave that for the last minute.”
“I often find that procrastination leads to last-minute panic, which stokes my creative fires,” I said. “I’ll pull it off.” Maybe. Either that or I’d have to wing it. Which was probably going to happen anyway, because that was how my life worked.
Darren stared at me for a moment before he glanced down the hall. We could hear Sandy making demands about what Vince could and could not bring along with him while Corey sang “Thriller” by Michael Jackson in the background for reasons I couldn’t quite figure out. Then he looked back at me, reached out, snagged me by the elbow, and pulled me to
ward the kitchen, farther away from the bedroom.
“Hey,” I said. “I’m not going to try anything. You don’t have to manhandle me, you gigantic asshole. Okay, that was a lie. I was going to kick you in the shins and then make a break for it. I’m not sorry. You intimidate me with all your muscles. I asked Vince if you were on the juice once, but then he told me you were allergic to apple juice so he didn’t think so, and I just let it go because sometimes, I just need to put my face all over his face, you know?”
“Paul. Stop talking.”
“Right. I can do that. Most of the time. Why are we in my kitchen? That’s—”
“How has no one murdered you by now?”
“I’m surprisingly agile,” I admitted honestly. “You should see the ways I can bend. Wait. That sounded wrong. I’m not hitting on you.”
“Yeah, didn’t think that you were. And in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m unavailable.”
“Because you’re in lurve with my best friend?”
He grimaced. “Can you please not say it like that? I get it enough from Sandy already.”
“Well, you did say it first.”
He sighed. “So I hear all the time.”
“You seem like you’re the type that needs to be reminded of things.”
“How so?”
I shrugged. “You’re the Homo Jock King. All you know is working out and railing twinks. It’s kind of in the job description.”
“Is that all you think of me?”
I was taken aback by the question. I bit down on the sarcastic response that threatened to spill out. I wouldn’t say he looked hurt, per se, but he was obviously uncomfortable, something I didn’t think I’d ever seen on Darren Mayne before. At first he’d been a cocky asshole who seemed to have little regard for anyone other than himself. Then he was the cocky asshole who cared deeply for his brother and maybe had a crush on Sandy. Or Helena. Or both.
And then he became the cocky asshole who my best friend loved more than I ever thought possible. He still had the persona of a jerk, he still was intimidating as all fuck, but there were softer edges to him now. I didn’t know if they were because of Sandy or because he was finally letting himself relax. I knew Sandy saw sides of Darren that I never would, and while I sometimes had a hard time believing he was as good as Sandy said, I trusted Sandy to make the decisions that were right for him.
And it helped that every now and then, I’d catch Darren watching Sandy, a fond look in his eyes, something I’d only ever seen him direct toward Vince and his own mother, the few times I’d seen her. I had to take a lot on faith when it came to Darren Mayne, but I thought maybe it was going to be a good thing.
“You hurt Sandy, I’ll cut off your balls,” I blurted.
“I know you will,” he said. He leaned back against the counter opposite me, crossing his arms over his chest. “You can be scary when you want to be. Weird, but scary.”
“Damn right,” I said, feeling rather proud of myself. “I’ll murder you so hard, bitch.”
“Too far.”
“Yes, sir,” I squeaked. “Sorry, sir.”
He looked at me like I was the most exasperating thing in his world. Which, to be fair, I probably was. I could own up to that.
But then surprisingly, it faded. And the Homo Jock King let his mask slip just a little more.
He said, “I trust you.”
I squinted at him. “Thank… you?”
He shook his head. “I don’t trust many people.”
This was uncharted territory. “I know.”
“You say that, but I don’t think you do. For the longest time, it was just me and my mother. I didn’t… let myself have more than that. No matter how much I wanted it.” From down the hall came a burst of Sandy’s laughter, loud and obnoxiously bright, and I saw the small smile on Darren’s face. “And I wanted it a lot. But I told myself that things were easier the way I was doing them. That in the long run, I’d be happier without something tying me down.”
I didn’t know where he was going with this, so I didn’t say anything.
“And then Vince came,” he said. “And I was… happy. Because I’d never had anyone like him in my life before. He was funny and smart… in his own way. He looked at life so differently. He was kind and caring and believed in the good in people.”
“He was everything you weren’t,” I said quietly. Then I winced, realizing how that sounded. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it—”
“You’re right,” he said. He didn’t even sound angry about it. “He was everything I wasn’t. And I found myself thinking that maybe he could show me how to be a better person. That’s what brothers do, right? They make each other better. Only I had nothing to offer him. And he had everything to offer me. It didn’t seem fair. It still doesn’t.”
“Oh no,” I said. “You have… traits. And… qualities. That are good.”
“Thanks,” he said, rolling his eyes. “That truly made me feel better.”
“I’m not very good when you show feelings.”
“Is that why you look like you’re ready to bolt at the drop of a hat?”
“Exactly why.”
“Well, stop it.”
“I’m not sure I know how,” I admitted. “I’m really weirded out right now.”
“Can you just… listen?”
“Most of the time.”
“Paul.”
“Shutting up.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Okay. Just. Look. It was me and my mother. And then there was me and him. And then you came into his life. I knew who you were. Obviously. Because of Sandy. But I didn’t know you, okay? So when Vince starting talking about you, I honestly didn’t give two shits.”
“That… makes me feel a little better, actually. There’s the Darren I know.”
“But he continued talking about you. And Vince… you know Vince. He’s this light that none of us could ever hope to be. It’s just part of who he is. But it became brighter. Because of you. You were someone important to him. Do you remember the night I called when his mother died? When we didn’t know where he was?”
“You said he’d gone to his home.”
“And he’d shown up here,” he agreed. “With you. Because you were his home. Even after such a short amount of time, he already thought of you as his home.” He shook his head. “I thought he was being stupid about this, you know? That everything was happening too fast, that it was going to break apart, burn out before it could actually go anywhere. But then I stopped and listened. Paul, I really listened. Not just to him. But to you as well. I heard the way you talked to each other. And with every word you said, no matter if it was stupid or not, I could hear how much you loved him.”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I do,” I managed to say. “A lot. More than anything.”
“I know. And it gave me the courage to finally go after what I wanted.”
“In a completely roundabout, ludicrous, eighties-movie-plot kind of way?”
He laughed. If you’d have told me three years ago the Homo Jock King would have been in my kitchen, laughing at something I’d said, I would have thought you were crazy. “Yeah, I guess it was,” he said. “But it all worked out in the end. I’ve got him now. And I don’t plan on letting him go.”
“That’s sweet,” I assured him. “Also creepy, but mostly sweet.”
“Vince loves you,” Darren said. “More than anything else in the world. And I’m not here to threaten you. Because I know you love him just as much. I just wanted to… shit. This is going to sound ridiculous, and I swear to God if you tell anyone I said this, I will make your life a living hell, you understand me?”
I nodded.
He rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at his feet. “I wanted to thank you. Because if there is anyone that deserves Vince, it’s you. You make him better. You make him happier. You make him the person I think he’s always wanted to be. And because of you and him, I finally get the chance to do the sa
me for myself.” He looked up at me, determined. “I’m going to make Sandy happier than he’s ever been. I promise you that. You don’t ever have to worry about him when he’s with me. I would rather cut off my own arm than hurt him intentionally.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
He looked relieved. “I know. And I expect you to.”
Since it was already awkward, I asked, “Are we supposed to hug now? I feel like we should probably hug now. Like one of those bro-hugs where you slap my back three times and I do the same to you.”
He made a face at me. “Let’s not and say we did.”
“I’m onto you now, Mayne. I’ve seen your heart. I’m going to lord this over you for the rest of our lives.”
He scowled at me. “I take it all back.”
I sobered for a moment. “You know I’ll take care of him, right? And that he’ll do the same for me?”
“Yeah. I know. You guys are that disgusting.”
I grinned at him. “Just wait until you’re in my shoes, buddy. I’ll remind you the night before your wedding, okay?”
He swallowed thickly at that and looked away. I let it go.
He opened his mouth to say something, but I never found out what it was because the others started coming back down the hall, loud as hell. Sandy came into the kitchen first, and I could see the hesitation in his steps as he caught sight of the two of us. I didn’t know what he saw on our faces, but it was enough to make him frown.
“Everything okay?” he asked, glancing between the two of us.
“Yeah,” I said, voice even. “Just getting to know your piece of mancake better.”
“Don’t call me that,” Darren said with a scowl, mask back firmly in place. But that was okay, because I knew now there was so much more to him than what he usually showed. If I’d ever had any doubts about him and Sandy, they were gone now.
“He was just telling me how much he loves you,” I teased. “That you are his moon and stars and that he wants nothing more than to make you happy for the rest of your life.”
Sandy rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I doubt he said any of that.”
“Maybe I did,” Darren said, arching an eyebrow. “I am capable of emotion, you know.”