Moanasina shook her head. “I don’t love you Ronan. I’m sorry.”
Her words were a stingray barb. “I don’t get it. All this time together? Are you telling me you felt nothing? Who was that woman then? On the beach with me? In the cave? All those days out on the boat together. We were happy.”
“You’re a great guy Ronan and I had fun with you. But that’s all it was.”
“And this man you’re promised to? Do you love him?” Ronan was pacing now, trying to make sense of the madness that he found himself in.
“We are perfect for each other,” said Moanasina.
“So what was I? Just a fling with a foreigner before you settle down? A convenient choice because then you don’t need to see me around after you get married?”
“It helps,” said Moanasina. “My fiancé knows I needed some time before our marriage. Time away from my duties and responsibilities before I take my place at their side. They approved.”
Ronan swore then. “He knew about us? He approved?! You’re right then. I don’t understand your world. Because I would never stand by and let another man love you. And I would never give up the one I love, just because tradition and culture says so.”
“That’s because in many ways you are a child. You know nothing of sacrifice. In your world, there is only the individual. Always thinking of yourself and your own happiness. But never of family, of Fanua. Of those who came before us and those still to come.” She was scathing now. Voice dripping with disdain. “Go home Ronan. There’s nothing left for you here.”
His head spun. It made no sense. This wasn’t his Moanasina. He didn’t recognise this cold, cruel stranger.
Moanasina turned and walked away. Ronan watched her go.
A soft pattering of rain started to drizzle down as the last rays of light shone through the grey clouds. Ronan took the ring and threw it as far as his anguish would take it. Far out into the depths of the sorrowful ocean.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Present day
Walking in the house, Daniel could hear Leila singing loud and proud as she scrubbed the shower. The way she sang when she thought nobody was listening because she knew her voice was dreadful. Daniel felt the anxiety and stress of the day all melt away, just at the nearness of the woman he loved. He grabbed a cold drink from the fridge and called out a greeting. As anticipated, the singing stopped abruptly.
“Don’t stop. You know I love listening to you sing.”
“Liar!” said Leila as she walked into the kitchen, a huge grin on her face as she embraced him.
She was soggy wet from the shower but Daniel didn’t care. He kissed her hungrily, with all the pent up emotions of the day and she responded in kind. For a few minutes they were lost in each other and then she pulled away, with a look of concern on her face.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Now I am,” he said. And meant it. A frown. “Why are you cleaning? I thought we agreed that we’d do housework together on Saturdays?”
She waved a hand at him airily. “No reason. I had time on my hands so I figured I’d get a jump on the chores. Practicing being a good wife. What are we having for dinner? I’m starving. Shall we get Chinese food?”
Daniel kept his tone casual. “I thought we might go out tonight. Maybe eat at the Marina?”
“What’s the occasion?”
“No special reason,” said Daniel.
“Okay,” said Leila. “But I wish you’d told me sooner. Then I could have fixed my hair nice. Simone says I shouldn’t go out in public with it looking like this.”
“Simone has no idea what he’s talking about,” said Daniel. “You’re gorgeous all the time.”
“You have to say that. You’re my husband,” said Leila. A huge smile. “Ah I’m still not used to saying that! My husband…”
Daniel tugged her into his arms again. “Don’t worry. You’ll have a lifetime to get used to it.” Another lingering kiss before he went to sit at the table. “I had a visitor today at the workshop. Ronan.”
Leila froze. “Okaaaay. I promise that I had nothing to do with that. I haven’t seen him again or spoken to him. He must have gone there on his own accord. I said I’d stay out of it, and I’m keeping my promise.”
Daniel had to laugh. “Don’t worry. I know that. He came to bring me something.” He indicated at the box on the table. “Info about Moanasina. My mother.”
“And?”
“And I looked through it,” said Daniel. Off-handed. Casual. When the conversation was anything but casual.
Leila picked up on the need for it all to stay neutral. “Okay cool. That must be nice to know a bit more about your birth mother?”
Daniel nodded. A deep breath. “I thought maybe we could ask him out to dinner. Him and his niece, that girl.”
Leila’s eyes widened. “Really? Are you sure?”
“Can’t hurt,” said Daniel. “My grandparents would have wanted me to. Mama wouldn’t want me to be rude.”
Leila’s eyes softened. She held his face gently in her hands, looking into his eyes. “I know they’re incredibly proud of you. Every day.”
Daniel felt tears threaten and there was a catch in his voice. “I miss them so much.”
“I know you do. I’m sorry.”
For a moment they put the world on pause, seeking and giving comfort in the simple act of holding each other close. Then Daniel asked, “You don’t mind coming with me, do you? I’m not really sure what to say to him. What to talk about.”
“Of course I’ll go with you,” said Leila. “You don’t have to do this alone. I’m with you.”
As awkward dinners go, it wasn’t too bad. They got a table out on the deck, overlooking the harbor. They could see Ronan’s boat from there and talking about the vessel and everywhere it had voyaged in the Pacific was a good ice-breaker. The real savior of the evening though, was Kirei. The young teen had an irrepressible enthusiasm and an insatiable curiosity about everything, so any taut gaps that could have opened up in the conversation, were avoided thanks to her.
“I’ve been bugging Uncle to bring me on one of his trips ever since I was a kid,” explained Kirei. “But mum always said I was too young and I had to wait until I turned sixteen.”
“I think her exact words were more along the lines of – when you’re a mature responsible adult, old enough to go to university,” corrected Ronan with a grin. “You’re the one who conned her.”
Kirei laughed gaily, a rippling sound in the silver moonlight. “I’m a bit of a genius,” she said to Leila and Daniel. “I finished high school last year and got early admission to university. So technically, I satisfied all mum’s requirements! Ronan had this trip planned and the minute I got my scholarship letter in the mail, I asked mum if I could come with him. We’ve gone to ten different islands in the last few months. Samoa is the last one on the list.” She bounced on her seat with barely repressed excitement.
“You don’t get scared out there?” asked Leila.
“The first big storm on the open ocean was a bit overwhelming I think,” said Ronan. “But once things calmed down again, she was right as rain and taking pictures of everything.”
“I did get seasick when it was super rough,” said Kirei. “But that didn’t last long and the rest of the experience makes it worth it.”
“So you’ve been travelling the Pacific for pretty much the last twenty years then?” said Daniel.
“No,” said Ronan. “After I left Tonga, after Moanasina… I spent a couple of years working with teams in the Gulf of Mexico. South Africa. Off the California coast. Did a stint in Antarctica too. Wanted to be anywhere that…”
“That wasn’t the Pacific?” said Daniel quietly.
“Yes,” said Ronan. “Finally bought my own boat three years ago. Outfitted her and started doing freelance work. Picking and choosing what projects I want to work on, signing up to help where I’m needed. “
“After his divorce,” offered Kirei helpfully.
<
br /> “You were married?” asked Leila.
Ronan nodded. But it was Kirei who jumped in to tell the story. “She was a horrible person. Not worthy of Uncle at all.”
“Hey now, let’s not speak ill of the absent,” said Ronan with an embarrassed half-laugh. “Sharon and I parted amicably.”
“She cheated on Uncle with his best friend. She’s trash,” said Kirei.
Daniel and Leila exchanged looks as Ronan sighed and sipped his beer. “My niece is fiercely loyal as you can see. She’s an awesome person to have on the boat. I wont ever have to worry about any dangerous sea monsters because Kirei will battle all my foes.”
He adroitly switched the topic then, steering them away from sticky topics of ex-wives and cheating best friends, by relaying a funny story about Kirei and a seabird that had tried to swoop in and steal his sandwich. It involved Kirei falling overboard in the process and the group was soon laughing at the humorous retelling.
Leila could tell Ronan wanted to know more about Daniel, but was being cautious about asking too many questions – so she followed Kirei’s example and told endearing stories about how she and Daniel had first met, his friends, rugby, meeting his grandmother, and more. There was a light in Ronan’s eyes as he listened, and Leila saw it for what it was. This man was hungry to know his son. And afraid to do or say anything that would push him away or ruin this delicate gossamer tie they were weaving.
“Uncle played rugby too,” said Kirei. “Tell them how amazing you were.”
Ronan brushed her praise aside with a casual wave. “I may have played a bit of rugby back in the day.”
“A bit?!” scoffed Kirei. She turned to Daniel and Leila. “He was amazing. Mum told me so. Played for some big name teams.”
“What happened?” said Daniel.
“Blew out my right knee. Then did the same to my other one. I got tired of the reconstructive ops. Went to Uni instead,” shrugged Ronan.
By unspoken agreement, everyone avoided the most dangerous topic of all. Daniel’s mother and what had happened with her and Ronan twenty years ago. They could have been any other group of friends catching up over dinner. Or a family? An observer would have noted the striking similarities between the two men and known them to be related. Brothers maybe? Or father and son. The mood was easy and light. Nothing dangerous. No dredging up of old wounds and hurts. There was only one prick of tension that came at the close of the evening as the group were finishing off their dessert. A couple going by stopped at their table.
“Daniel! Long time, no see.”
It was Maleko, an old friend of Daniel’s from school.
The two men greeted each other and Maleko introduced his date, a girl who looked vaguely familiar. Probably from school as well? Then it was Daniel’s turn to introduce their group.
“This is Ronan Matiu,” said Daniel nodding at the older man. Nothing else. No descriptor or qualifier.
Ronan stood and shook hands with Maleko, an easy smile on his face. “And this is my niece Kirei.”
Maleko had a puzzled frown as he looked at Ronan and then back to Daniel. And then back again. “Hey, hold up. Are you two related?”
Leila felt Daniel go rigid beside her, and there was a tense hush for a brief moment.
“Not really,” said Daniel.
Leila saw Ronan’s slight wince. The man clearly had hopes for something. Anything more than those two simple words, not really. But she knew her husband wasn’t ready. She slipped her hand into Daniel’s and willed him to feel of her love and support.
“Yeah? You sure?” pushed Maleko. “You look so alike, oka!”
A tight smile from Daniel. “We gotta go. Catch up another time.”
And with that, the evening was over. The group made their farewells and politeness reigned.
Daniel started the truck in silence, backing out of the parking lot with focused concentration.
“So. That was some dinner huh? How did you find it?” Leila asked after a few minutes had gone by. Only the rumble of the engine broke the silence between them.
“Okay.”
Trying to make conversation, Leila carried on with light hearted banter from dinner. “Kirei’s fun to be around. It’s cute the way she talks about Ronan, standing up for him. You can tell she adores her uncle.”
Daniel just listened.
“I really enjoyed that sea food marinara. But the coconut tart was dry. They’re not very good at making desserts. And fancy seeing Maleko there. I wonder who his date was, I swear she looked familiar. You don’t remember her from school do you?”
Leila knew she was babbling, but she couldn’t help it. Finally, when the truck pulled up into their driveway, she snapped. “Oh would you just tell me what you’re thinking please? It’s killing me!”
Her outburst had him grinning – which was a relief because it meant at least that he wasn’t angry about the dinner.
“He really loved her,” said Daniel quietly.
“Yes it looks like he did.”
Daniel got out of the truck and walked around to open the door for Leila. Helping her out, he pulled her into a tight embrace.
“Do you want to see him again?” asked Leila? Give him a chance? Get to know him?
“Maybe. We’ll see.” He sighed, before taking her hand in his and leading her inside.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Ronan
He was with Moanasina, a laughing, fiercely beautiful Moanasina. She was sitting on the deck of the boat, cross-legged on the floor like she’d always used to sit. But this time, she had a baby in her arms, nursing at her breast. Her hair danced in the salt breeze as she hummed a song to her son. Their son.
He watched as she soothed the baby with a lullaby, as she looked up at Ronan to flash him a dazzling smile.
Ronan drank it all in, glorying at the sight of the little family he’d always wanted. Moanasina cooed at the baby who kicked and giggled, pulling on a handful of his mother’s ebony hair.
Then the dream shifted.
A shadow rose from beyond the horizon, a black mist shimmering in the noon day sun. Ronan watched as the looming mass grew, forming thick swirls of cloud above the boat. Moanasina was still sitting cross legged with the boy. But he was no longer cooing. Lightning lit up the sky and thunder crashed. The light sea breeze was gone, replaced with a howling wind.
It began to rain, pelting down. The baby was crying. A piercing, heart-wrenching sound. But still Moanasina sat on the deck.
“Take the boy in out of the storm,” shouted Ronan.
Powerful swells rocked the boat and waves crashed over the deck railing, soaking mother and child. The baby wailed louder.
“Moanasina! It’s not safe out here for our son.”
Moanasina looked up. Her smile was gone, replaced with a stony look of loathing. She stood up and held their son up to the fury of the storm, his little hands and feet flailing as he cried.
Ronan tried to go to her but his feet felt like they were encased in concrete. He couldn’t move. He watched in horror as Moanasina walked to the deck railing. “What are you doing?”
“He’s my son,” said Moanasina. “My baby. I’ll do what I want with my baby.” She laughed, and then she tossed their son out into the ocean.
Ronan awoke with a shout. His heart was pounding loud and fast in the dark cabin and his shirt was soaked with sweat. Just a dream. But it had been so real. She was so real. But the boy… What happened to the boy? Anger rose like bile in his throat. How could she?
He arose and went up on deck. Grabbed a can of beer from the cooler. Stripped off his shirt so he could feel the cool night air on his skin. There was a full moon overhead, casting black diamonds on the velvet blue ocean. The raucous sound of a nightclub still open, catering to the wild and restless nightlife of Apia, carried across the water. Bob Marley sang about no woman no cry. But it wasn’t music or company that Ronan wanted tonight. He turned away from the shoreline and looked out across the harbor, past the ships anchor
ed at the wharf, and beyond. It had been ten years since he quit, but he wanted a smoke. Badly. What was wrong with him tonight? Why couldn’t he sleep? Why couldn’t he get the kid out of his mind? Okay, he amended, Daniel’s not a kid. He’s a young man. A young man who anyone would be proud to call their son.
He couldn’t smoke, so instead Ronan did the next worst thing. He flopped down in a chair by the cooler and proceeded to get very drunk, draining one can after the other with determined ease. It was like rote. Snap it open. Chug down the contents. And then stand and throw the can out into the harbor with vicious ferocity. Tonight I’m not a marine biologist or conservationist. No. Tonight I’m was just an angry drunk man, polluting the sea like every other shitty person on the planet…
Ronan had always wanted to be a father. First with Moanasina and then when that dream died, he had carried the hope inside him until he married Sharon. He’d thought she was the one. The woman who would help him forget the love of his life, his greatest heartbreak. The woman he would build a life with and grow a family with. But Sharon hadn’t wanted kids. And most of all, she hadn’t wanted to play second best. He’d never told her about Moanasina but she always knew there. The day she left him for his best friend, she’d said it straight.
“I don’t know who she is Ronan, but you carry her with you everywhere.”
Oh he had protested. Argued with all the vehemence of a man trying to convince himself of a lie. But Sharon had cut through his pretenses with whip smart truth.
“You can lie to yourself all you want. But I have lived with you for three years and I have loved you with everything I have, all that I am. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you have done the same? Can you? Can you honestly say that you have given me all of you Ronan? Your whole heart?”
And when the words had died on his lips, tasting like ash in his mouth, she had lashed out. “I didn’t cheat on you Ronan. You can’t betray a man who was never really yours to begin with.”
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