by David Sheff
I used to worry what people would think if I was at a party and someone offered me a joint and I said no. Now I understand that the only person who would ever even think about that again is me.
Kids have told us other things work for them. They volunteer to be the designated driver. It doesn’t come off as an excuse; in fact, your friends will probably be appreciative. A boy explained that he doesn’t say anything if he’s handed a joint. He just passes it on. “It’s not like anyone cares,” he said. “If someone noticed, I’d just say ‘I’m not in the mood,’ or ‘I’m not into it.’” A girl said she always goes to parties with at least one friend who’s not into using—it makes saying no easier. More than one person told us that they thought they’d be ostracized if they chose not to get high when others were, but it never happened. We were visiting a school in New York City where a boy, a high school junior, said, “Being afraid that I’d look like a loser if I didn’t want to get high was the worst part, but it didn’t turn out to be a big deal. No one ever pressures me.”
IT TAKES A COMMUNITY
Teens often ask us what to do about a friend who’s using. They’re worried, but they’re afraid of getting their friend in trouble and making them angry. It’s really a hard position to be in, but a girl at a high school event summed up the most important consideration. She said she was in a situation where a friend was getting high more and more, and she was worried. Her friend once passed out at a party, and she sat with her to make sure she was all right. She worried about talking to her friend, but finally she did. Her friend didn’t stop, and the girl decided to go to her friend’s mother. She said, “I felt really bad, but I kept thinking how much worse I’d feel if something terrible happened.”
Her friend did get angry, but the girl explained why she’d done it. She said she cared too much to let her pass out when she wasn’t around and “get assaulted by some guy or end up in the hospital.” A month or so later, when her friend was getting help for her drug use, she thanked her.
How do you know if a friend has a drug or drinking problem, and what do you do? Take a look at the list on this page for some ideas. (Later in this book there’s a self-test to evaluate whether you might have a drug problem.) As scary as it can be to say something to a friend or tell an adult about your suspicions, it would be worse if they harmed themselves or someone else and you hadn’t said anything. We hear so many stories from kids who wish they’d done something when they still had the chance.
It’s not your responsibility to choose what your friends do. You can’t. It’s not your responsibility to save them from harm. Again, you can’t. It’s only your responsibility to try—to try to get them to ask for help or to tell someone who can help them.
How Do You Know If a Friend Has a Problem with Drugs or Alcohol?
ASK YOURSELF IF YOUR FRIEND:
Gets drunk or high on a regular basis.
Drinks or uses drugs when alone.
Shows up at school drunk or high or has skipped class to use.
Needs drugs or alcohol to have a good time or cope with everyday life.
Plans for drug use in advance.
Starts hanging out with new friends who do drugs.
Lies about drug use.
Pressures others to use drugs.
Has broken plans, or shown up late, because of getting or being drunk or high.
Shows little interest in or quits sports or activities that they once enjoyed.
Has driven a car while drunk or high.
Borrows or steals money to buy drugs or alcohol.
Has passed out.
Has been the victim of sexual assault (including acquaintance rape) due to alcohol or drugs.
Has been arrested, or otherwise been in dangerous situations, due to alcohol or drugs.
What to Say and Do If You’re Worried About a Friend’s Drug Use
Just telling your friend that you’re concerned can be a big help. Know, though, your friend may not want to talk about it, and the effects that drugs have on the brain may keep him or her from “hearing” you or acting on your advice.
Know that it is never easy for anyone to admit that they have a drug problem. You will need to be patient—and not give up easily. One day or time a person may not be open to talking, but another time they may feel differently.
Listen, encourage, share, and support. Sounds easy, right? But it’s so hard.
Assure your friend you are there for her and that she is not alone. People with drug problems often have gotten in with the wrong crowd—and they don’t want to turn away from these so-called friends for fear of being alone.
Suggest that he or she speak to a trusted adult who will keep it confidential. Maybe there’s a family friend who could help. Maybe you know of a school counselor or sympathetic teacher.
Immediately tell someone if the problem looks to be too big for you to handle alone. Tell a parent, counselor, teacher, or another adult.
In any life-threatening situation—someone has overdosed, someone seems suicidal—call 911.
Understand that if your friend is suffering from addiction, they have a brain disease. Just like you wouldn’t expect someone with cancer to be able to heal herself without the help of a doctor, the right treatment, and support from family and friends, you can’t expect your friend to heal herself. Again, talk to them, and if they aren’t open to getting help, talk to someone else.
And take care of yourself. It’s tough having a friend with addiction issues. So, if you need some support, talk to a school counselor. Get help finding a therapist or check out an Alateen, a support group for young people dealing with a family member’s or friend’s addiction. (Meetings are listed online at www.alanonalateen.org.) If there aren’t Alateen meetings where you live, there may be support groups. A counselor can help you find one.
FINDING HELP, HELPING EACH OTHER
As we’ve said, kids need help with whatever they’re dealing with: bullying, gang violence, questions of sexual orientation and health, self-harm, gender and cultural identity, stress, poverty, violence at home, and much more. When parents can’t help, some schools have programs in place to help with some of these issues. At the least, many have counselors.
One way some schools help students is with peer-counseling programs. It can be easier for some kids to talk with one another than to adults about certain things in their lives. “Adults are always trying to solve our problems,” said Teri, a high school sophomore. “We need someone to listen. And there’s a bond when we see each other during school. Someone who knows you and appreciates you.”
With the permission of everyone in the group, we visited a peer-counseling session at a school in California. It was remarkable—it made us wish we had peer counseling when we were in high school.
Students were open about a range of issues. A girl was being pressured to have sex by her boyfriend. Another girl said, “That’s been happening to me, too.” They talked about it, and others in the group weighed in. A boy, a junior, talked about the pressure he was getting from home about college; he got a B in a class and his parents were “freaking out.” There was a lot of talk about a party held the previous weekend where kids played beer pong and were shooting tequila. With obvious sarcasm, a girl said, “Some of us weren’t invited.” It led to a conversation about cliques—who was in, who wasn’t. A girl said she saw pictures of the party posted on Facebook. “There was a moment when I felt bad—like I was this loser. But actually the pictures made me glad I wasn’t invited. Everyone was wasted. Hooking up. Gross.”
Some peer-counseling groups are open to any student who wants to come. Others are closed, possibly focusing on one issue or, to make it feel safer for some kids, limited to girls, boys, LGBTQIA+ students, or other groups. Peer counselors are trained to talk to and advise one another. A senior who’d been trained to lead peer-counseling sessions at the California school said, “I did it to help other kids, because I related to how hard and lonely it can be from when I was younger.
I didn’t plan for how much it would help me, too.”
If your school doesn’t offer peer counseling, consider starting a program—there may be a teacher or counselor who can help. There are websites that explain how peer counseling works—some are listed in the back of this book.
HELP AT HOME?
Some parents understand the world kids have to navigate, but some don’t. Some kids have parents they can discuss drugs, sex, and other concerns with, and some don’t. Some kids, of course, don’t have parents at all. And some kids act more like the parents in the family, making it tough for them to confide in the adults in their lives.
Kids are often afraid to say anything negative about their families, because they’re afraid they won’t be believed or they’ll get in trouble. And some families create an environment where it’s considered a betrayal to bring “family business” to outsiders. As hard as it may feel to seek help from others in that case, it’s important to remember that healthy family situations don’t need to be kept secret.
The point is that sometimes a good counselor or therapist is needed to make a family stronger and healthier. They can help kids talk about their worries with their parents. They can also help parents with substance-abuse issues, problems with anger, and difficulties coping with life events such as divorce, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or mental or physical illness.
Some kids have said that they were terrified of telling their parents about their worries, or maybe telling them that they were thinking of trying drugs, were tempted to try them, or had tried them. They thought they’d get in trouble.
When they finally did tell their parents, though, they were often surprised by the reaction. Sometimes the parents were less angry than they expected. Sometimes they were helpful and even grateful that their children had opened up to them. Sometimes parents shared their own stories, which let the teens know that they weren’t alone and that some thoughts and feelings, frustrations and fears, were the same for their parents and probably for their grandparents, too. It’s important to remember that every family is different, and conversations that are possible in some may not be possible in others—kids may feel that it’s not safe to bring up some subjects. But especially when they’re going through a difficult time, it’s important for kids to talk to someone.
Just Say Know
· · · · · ·
O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts.
—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, OTHELLO
A lot of times people talk about drugs as if they’re all the same, but they aren’t. Their effects, the way they work on the brain, and the risks associated with using them are vastly different. Some drugs have been around since humans have been, while new ones are being created all the time in modern laboratories. Drug-use trends change over time. Some drugs disappear for a while but return. Some drugs always seem to be available.
In this section, we describe many of the drugs that people use, misuse, and become addicted to. We’re going to explain their prevalence and the way they’re taken. We’ll highlight the damage they can cause. At the outset of this book we said that our goal is to inform you so you can make educated decisions about drugs. We want you to know the facts so you can make informed decisions.
While we discuss many drugs, we can’t include them all, nor can we list all of the effects and risks. There’s more information about these drugs online, and you’ll find a chart at the back of the book as well as some helpful websites.
Besides learning about the drugs, it’s important to know that many drugs people use are “dirty,” which means they’re adulterated with other drugs or chemicals, some of which can be lethal. Deaths have been caused by batches of ecstasy and cocaine that were laced with methamphetamine and even animal tranquilizers. Recently, heroin laced with fentanyl has caused overdose deaths throughout the country. Even marijuana sometimes contains other drugs. There have been reports of people smoking pot that contained lead, which was added to increase the weight. Though it’s rare, samples of marijuana have tested positive for methamphetamine and hallucinogens.
The following drugs are all potentially addictive, some more than others. But here’s a reminder: You don’t have to become addicted—in fact, you don’t have to use regularly—for drug use to have serious and potentially devastating consequences. Onetime drug use can cause an overdose, a heart attack, seizures, or other serious reactions, including ones that lead to debilitation and death. Onetime use can also cause accidents, including fatal ones.
CHAPTER SIX
Alcohol: Just One Drink
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. —F. SCOTT FITZGERALD
People talk a lot about drinking in moderation. No one at parties I go to drinks in moderation. They drink to get drunk. —RYAN (DAVIS, CALIFORNIA)
JUST ONE DRINK
In our culture, alcohol is considered everyday fare. It’s used to celebrate success and drown failure. It’s used at frat blowouts and fancy dinner parties. It’s everywhere.
In fact, alcohol use is so common that lots of teens don’t even think of it as a drug, but it is. It has as much power—or more—to be misused, to create addiction, and to ruin lives as some other, less prevalent drugs. Just because it’s legal at age twenty-one doesn’t mean it’s harmless.
Sometimes people use alcohol because they’re feeling depressed without understanding that the drug is a depressant—that is, after an initial buzz, it can make them far more depressed. Also, alcohol can lead to reckless behavior because of its impact on various brain centers.
Even moderate use can make people sloppy and stupid. As a high school senior in San Francisco said, “I went to a party a little while ago. Usually, I’d get drunk like everyone else, but this time I was the only one who didn’t. It was the first time I realized how stupid drunk people are. It got gross when they started throwing up and passing out.”
Excessive alcohol use has immediate effects that increase the risk of many harmful health conditions. These are most often the result of binge drinking. Over time, excessive alcohol use can lead to the development of chronic diseases and other serious problems.
SHORT-TERM HEALTH RISKS
Injuries:
Motor vehicle crashes
Falls
Drownings
Burns
Violence:
Homicide
Suicide
Sexual assault
Intimate partner violence
Alcohol Poisoning
Reproductive Health:
Risky sexual behaviors
Unintended pregnancy
Sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV
Miscarriage
Stillbirth
Fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASDs)
LONG-TERM HEALTH RISKS
Chronic Diseases:
High blood pressure
Heart disease
Stroke
Liver disease
Digestive problems
Cancers:
Breast
Mouth and throat
Liver
Colon
Learning and Memory Problems:
Dementia
Poor school performance
Mental Health:
Depression
Anxiety
Alcohol Dependence
Most adults who drink do so occasionally. A martini. A couple of beers. Wine with dinner. And for many adults, drinking is mostly harmless.
But even light drinking can cause problems in people’s lives. Alcohol use can contribute to physical violence and sexual assault as well as suicide.
Many accidents, including fatal ones, occur after people drink moderately, having had just one or more drinks. Body size and metabolism rates determine the impact of alcohol on an individual’s blood alcohol content (BAC)—see the figure below.
Every day, about thirty people die in drunk-driving accidents—more than one every hour. Kids who started drinking young are seven times more likely to die in alcohol-related crashes. Almost 40,000 people die each year in car accidents. Overall, alcohol kills more than 88,000 people a year.