I guarantee that your partner does not know what you want if you haven’t told him yet. I understand we live in a world that provides a very small window of what is acceptable for you to ask for. I also understand how scary it can be to tell him what you want. However, the more you lie to him, the less he knows you. So when he does something that angers you, consider how you may have co-created the situation that led to his behavior. Men don’t know what women want when women won’t tell them.
I appreciate that men need to make this process more pleasurable for you and to reward you for speaking truth. However, either of you can start this process. Create a game of truth telling, enroll him on your team, and take the time to speak your truth so he knows exactly what you desire.
The complementary impact is that he’ll feel encouraged to tell you his truth—what he wants—so you can both know each other. I appreciate that this may be scary for you as well, but wouldn’t you rather know than not? I suspect you would.
If your man cannot hear or accept your truth, I would highly recommend that you reassess your relationship. I’m not prescribing ending it if he doesn’t show interest the first time. But if he consistently does not make truth telling safe for you, I think you should consider finding someone better. Good men are out there and you deserve a man who wants to know all of you.
CONCEPT 03
THE POWER OF YOUR APPROVAL
The man you love is on an epic journey. Like heroes of myth, he is on a mission to find the dragon, slay it, and make his way home to you. This dragon is the society of disapproval he has lived his entire life. He is steeped in 3,000 to 5,000 advertisements per day trying to send messages that he is not enough, he needs to improve himself, and he should whip out his credit card and pay for whatever it is right now. The consequence of not doing so is that he won’t have you or anyone else special in his life.
Some people think it’s their job to help their man on his journey. I would be very careful with that viewpoint because, as he grows and expands, the last thing you want to do is to carry him and create a dependency on you. In fact, it is best if he learns to walk on his own so he can truly love his own results.
Instead, your unique opportunity is to be there to love, approve of, and emotionally support him on his journey. You can be his finest cheerleader, the muse that motivates, or simply a friend who says, “You got this.”
Here are some simple statements you can say on a frequent basis so he knows you are in his corner:
I know you can do it.
I believe in you.
I think this is important.
I love you.
I will love you through the process.
How can I help?
Don’t accept his attempts to enroll you into his own inadequacy. He’s probably going to hit some serious obstacles along the way. What epic journey doesn’t have its challenges? If he says, “I just can’t do it …” I recommend you smile, squint your eyes a little bit, and say, “I don’t believe that at all. I know you can.”
Does your partner know you think he’s a good man? Before your ego immediately answers in the affirmative, take a few moments to really dive into that question. Wait, let’s add one more element to this conversation. Do you believe it’s your job to have him believe he’s a good man, or your opportunity? Do you feel burdened handling his ego and wish he would just man up and get his shit together? I’m not saying he’s easy to handle. I’m asking more about you. Are you truly all in for his growth and enhancement from a place of love and surplus, or do you just to make your life a little bit easier? I ask you to examine these motivations. It’s important because he can feel the difference between the two.
So, let’s go back to the original question. Does the man in your life know you truly believe he’s a good one? I suspect your answer and his answer are different. If so, what does it mean about your relationship? Are you able to look at your part in the two different answers. I know, deep in my heart (after 20 years of work), I am a good man. And Morgan’s sweet reminders of how much she appreciates me touches me deep inside my tender soul. She does it because it feels good to her and not because she feels she has to. I can feel the difference.
Tell him tonight you appreciate him and are behind him. Saying this does not diminish the amount of work he needs to do. It simply means you are proud of him especially as he laces up his boots to move into this adventure.
Here’s how I recommend you do it.
Tell him you need a moment of his time and ask him to sit on the couch with you.
Take his hand in yours. Men enjoy the intimacy of touch.
Take a deep breath and close your eyes.
Remember just one thing you love and appreciate about him. Feel your body and feel the sensation you feel when he does that for you. Don’t try to push it down, let yourself feel it deeply.
Open your eyes and look him directly in his.
Say softly but directly: “
Come to silence, keep steady eye contact, and breathe. Wait for him to respond.
Now, this may completely confuse him and underneath he may only receive a portion of the gift you just gave him. If you don’t believe he truly has heard it (think the good man exercise above), say it again with a little more intensity. Don’t explain why you believe this or give your motivation for doing the exercise. Simply give him the gift of your approval. Let him feel all of you. I suspect that, if you do this well, two things will happen: (a) he’ll feel a little happier and (b) you’ll feel a little more energized. Perhaps even a little turned on.
You live in a world where giving approval is in short supply. You sometimes may even think it makes men weak. I recommend going against the grain and giving him some appreciation.
CONCEPT 04
INTERACTING WITH HIS SHAME
I suspect it is possible to create a world without shame, but I don’t think it’s probable. The lovely human experience of love, sex, romance, and desire is entwined with its less attractive siblings of jealousy, anger, numbness, and shame. It is an indelible truth of life that shame will happen, regardless of how much attention and energy you put into a shame-free environment. This book is not about eradicating shame, but improving one’s relationship to it. The truth is that your man, if he’s alive and living in today’s world, has some form of shame. I suspect he actually has a great deal of it but doesn’t have the tools to confront it, investigate how it impacts him and you, or to create a practice to love it. Yes, love it.
Shame is not right or wrong. When I discuss shame with my clients, I recommend that they become besties with it, because if they follow its thread to the core, they can often find the seed of their shame. This is defined as that moment when an experience happened that informed you that you should be shamed for it. For some, it was discovering pleasure in touching your genitals. For others, maybe we have covertly watched a sibling undress and become aroused. For me, it was my love of Fudgetown cookies that broke my mother’s heart. In that shameful moment, I learned that my desire for sugary delicious treats caused my mother—my primary caretaker—pain.
I highly recommend that you hold space for a man as he discovers his shame. Your approval of his self-discovery—for example, saying, “I’ll be here; go explore”—might be the exact push he needs to uncover what lies in his shadow and is running his life. I would also recommend doing some of your own internal work on how his shame impacts yours. Do you have an immune response to his childhood memories? Does his fear create a reaction in you?
In relationship, we are connected energetically, biologically, and spiritually. For some, these connections are light. But for most, the more intimate we become, the more we can be impacted by the other. Be willing to do your own work along with the man you love.
One final note. I bow to your strength, courage, and self-love. Although this journey will not be easy for either of you, the results will create more healthy versions of
him, of you, and of the relationship. Take the plunge and see what lies on the other side.
CONCEPT 05
DEALING WITH HIS FRUSTRATION
Men have a unique way of handling themselves when they are out of agreement with anything. While some can look at challenges with grace, most men do not handle them well. In fact, we often find challenges infuriating. For example, I tend to be the person who drives. I like this. I can drive for hours without a break and feel at home behind the wheel. However, whenever I make a mistake like missing a turn, a flood of intense fury invades my system. Even if it was a human mistake, there is no talking about the loss of time, gas, and forward motion. The worst is when I miss an exit on a freeway and have to travel miles to the next one to turn around. For me, it’s like drinking ten cups of coffee on an empty stomach.
Because men are natural problem-solvers, when they hit a snag they can’t figure out, it will bring up agitation for them. When they are in this place, the worst thing you can do is try to fix the situation for him. This is like putting salt on a wound. I recommend not even talking about it initially. Let him figure out how to fix it, soothe his beating heart, and find his center again. However, if the situation has the potential to cause you harm, of course, feel free to speak up, Otherwise, if it’s possible, let him stew in his angst until his head clears.
Each man has his own triggers when it comes to being out of agreement with something. Asking about certain experiences while he is not inside of one is totally acceptable. For example, if you have noticed that your partner is not in agreement with being late for an event, on a lazy Sunday, ask him why it bothers him so. Find out what rules and agreements he has that he is breaking by being late. Take the time to understand why and how his mind thinks. I think it’s a safe bet it is very different from yours.
Most of all, do not take it personally if he’s in a foul mood about something he’s out of agreement with. His unhappiness is his own and probably has little to do with you. Give him space and he’ll come back a happier man.
CONCEPT 06
HIS SCARCITY AROUND SEX
If there is any area for which a man has the most scarcity, it’s around his sex life. There is a small percentage of men in the world (call it 10 percent) who know they can have sex any time they want. For the rest of us, we live in a world where we don’t know when our next opportunity for sex will take place. We are taught that our access to having sex is scarce and we need to grab it anytime we can. If we’re on a date, we’ll do everything we can to “get some” because we've connected our sex to our self-worth. This may be why we sometimes seem pushy or needy. If we walk away without a kiss, it must mean that there is something wrong with us.
Men look at sex as a communication that everything is all right. If our job is terrible but we have a hot girlfriend, then things are not great but at least I have her. Sex inside our relationship means that things are going okay because we believe you’ll only have sex with us if you’re happy. In my coaching with women, I have learned that you have a very different relationship to this viewpoint, but most men do not understand this. We get comfort and intimacy from your touch, your attention, and your love.
Scarcity is a large driver of a man’s behavior, and your willingness to confront this and love him through it makes you an amazing ally for his evolution. My experience in that room with the high school boys imprinted on me that I wasn’t the one chosen or the one allowed to have what he wanted. Most men have a similar story. The best gift you can provide for the man in your life is to let him know that there is no scarcity around you. This doesn’t so much mean you’ll have sex every time he wants it, but more that you’ll be available for connection and intimacy.
How can you say no to a man in ways that will not have him feel rejected? Here are some examples:
Honey, I appreciate your attention and it feels so good but I don’t feel really sexy at the moment. Would you enjoy some intimate time with our clothes on?
I know you want to do some sexy time but … I’m still confronted by this thing you said to me yesterday and haven’t felt connected to you since. Can we talk about it?
To be honest … what I really want is not to have sex but maybe to try this new oil that I bought last week. Interested in giving me a massage?
I have a little request … could we first take a shower? I’m turned on and would feel more turned on if we did that first.
I understand that he may have a tender ego around rejection, but the truth is your most powerful ally. Instead of minimizing your own desires and boundaries, speak what you desire rather than covering it with some false pretense.
FINAL WORD
For those reading the book who love men and are confused by them, let me leave you with one more secret. Men truly want to love you deeply. But more often than not, they just don’t understand you, they get frustrated, their egos get involved, and one thing leads to another and you’re disconnected.
My recommendation to you is this: Turn to him and say: “Thank you for being you. I approve of the man you are and I want to uplevel our relationship. I want to know you and you to know me..Game on?”
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Obviously, this all started with my parents, Joseph and Netta Kandell. I have been blessed with your DNA, love, attention, and support my entire life. Each of you pushed me in your own way to become the best man I could possibly be. I am especially grateful for your support in helping me create this book.
My sister, Laura Kandell, was my first practice partner. I have felt inspired and supported by you my entire life. Love to you and to Darren, Sam, and Katherine.
My first white rabbit on this journey was Carol Kandell. She was the one to say, “Hey, this mediocrity is not acceptable. What do you want to do about it?” This whole path was inspired by your beautiful rebellious streak. Thank you for building the foundation of who I’ve become.
Thank you to Erwan Davon, who handed me a mirror and said, “Do you like what you see?” I am one of the many you’ve impacted.
Thank you to the Welcomed Consensus, who took me to my next level. You cracked the hard shell and brought me to my knees, allowing deeper sight into what I had refused to see.
My gratitude to Victor Baranco and More, whose viewpoints are the foundation of this book and my life. I hope I’ve quoted you well.
Deep gratitude to Nicole Daedone who, on a quiet Wednesday evening, offered me the ride of a lifetime. I said yes. Your impact on me is beyond definition.
Thank you to the staff, students, and critics of OneTaste. You provided the ultimate playing field for me to grow from a boy to a man.
Thank you to Kelly Notaras and KN Literary Arts. You were the one who first said, “You should write a book for men … and you should call it unHIDDEN.” Thank you for your love and support along the journey.
Thank you to my team: Summer Engman, Ayries Blanck, Kelly Glover, Rebecca Fawcett, Jeremiah Tittle, and David Shakiban, who designed the title.
Thank you to my advance readers: Zaven Boni, Mirza Patel, Kayce Neill, Erik Walker, and Bob Gower for your honest and powerful feedback. Appreciation to Amanda Steinberg, Bryan Reeves, Satyen Raja, Connor Beaton, and Nancy Levin for your love.
Special BIG thanks to Gillian Pothier who provided a deep polishing of this book with both expertise and grace.
Special thank you to Marilyn Rodriguez, my book mistress. You’ve upleveled this book with your attention, love, and determination.
Thank you to Ken Blackman for being my bestie—the guy who I can call any hour of the day and who has always stood by my side.
Thank you to Estee and Ariella. You’ve graced my life so deeply and so fully. I never expected to be in the role of step Robby-Bobby. You open my heart so deeply.
And finally … Morgan Mellas Kandell. I wish there were words to fully, truly express my gratitude. Every day, I see your love and support in your eyes. I was a good man before meeting you and I’m a much better man after knowing you. This is our
success and our creation. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
FURTHER SUPPORT
A
YOUR NEW FRAMEWORK FOR LIVING UNHIDDEN
I have created the following framework for you to confront, investigate, and create a practice for any personal challenge. I use this framework for myself (including while creating this book) and for my private practice.
Step One: Confront
The first step towards any change is the willingness to take off your blindfold, open your eyes, and see what is actually happening in your life. The nature of a human being is to want the greatest result for the least amount of effort. We are trained to be okay with our status quo. This step is saying to yourself, “No, it’s not okay, I want and deserve so much more.” If you are overweight, it is taking a long look at yourself in the mirror. If your relationship has gotten unmanageable, it means seeing the way you are not connected anymore. For me, it was Erwan pointing out my chauvinism, which I wasn’t willing to see before that moment. In Joseph Campbell’s Hero with a Thousand Faces, it is the call for adventure. It can involve a mix of excitement and terror, so if your stomach feels a little tense at the thought of this step, you are definitely doing it 100 percent right.
Unhidden Page 13