I’ve found that, when the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same, we are motivated to get off our butts and create a new game for ourselves. This is no easy task, as it takes agency (i.e. the ability to move independently and willfully) to move from our current status quo to the next level of our greatness. As we discussed in the introduction, to confront is the willingness to remove one’s blinders and see the toxic aspects of our life.
I like giving this example when I teach about non-confrontation.
Before work on Monday, when Marcus opens the fridge to get milk for his coffee, he smells an unpleasant odor coming from inside. He’s not sure what it is but knows it’s not a good thing. He has no desire to see what it is so he quickly grabs the carton, adds a dollop to his travel mug, puts the carton back into the fridge, and rushes out the door.
On Tuesday morning, Marcus is late for work (again.) As he is opening the fridge to grab the milk, he realizes that he has forgotten about the smell from the day before. This time the smell has intensified enough to make his stomach crawl in mere seconds. Quickly, he grabs the carton, pours milk into his travel mug, and throws the half-full carton into the trash rather than opening the fridge again. He rushes out the door with his 20 ounces of fresh-brewed coffee.
Wednesday, he is reaching for the fridge’s door handle when his reptilian brain (i.e., the part responsible for the fight or flight response) remembers what will happen if he opens the door. He stands for a moment, wishes he could ask his mom what to do, and then decides to get a to-go cup from the Starbucks en route to the bus.
Wednesday night is date night, which he spends at his girlfriend’s apartment. He likes being there because she keeps a clean kitchen, He goes directly to work the next morning and gets his morning coffee from the Starbucks in the lobby.
After work on Friday, back in his apartment, he avoids the kitchen altogether and heads directly to his front door. He has no stomach to even deal with it.
Marcus is in deep non-confrontation of the expanding science experiment in his fridge. However, as he continues to not deal with it, the smell will get worse and worse until it takes over his whole life. Marcus thinks he is avoiding it, but in fact he is spending a great deal of energy avoiding it. When we do this in our lives, and it can cost us our free attention, our self-esteem, or even our sanity.
When we confront, we reclaim our power and our free attention. There are many pulls on our attention and our ability to clear them gives us back clarity and energy.
Step Two: Investigate
The second step is due diligence—hunting and collecting as much information as possible about the habit you want to change. We live in a rich, information abundant world with incredible resources available at the tips of our fingers. For example, if you have questions about your toxic relationship to pornography, visit Ted.com to watch amazing talks about its impact or listen to Jon Ronson's audio book, The Butterfly Effect. If you have access, bring this issue to your therapist or to your coach. Research what’s available so you can move into the next step informed and ready. Go deep. Push yourself into the exercises and see what comes out on the other side.
Step Three: Commit
This step is where you make the commitment to yourself for taking necessary actions to create change in your life. For some, this will be an easy step, but for most, this will be extremely challenging. For example, you may want the ripped body of a Brad Pitt but are not willing to commit to cut out the sugar. Without commitment to this program, your changes will be temporary and your already fragile self-esteem will take a hit.
This is the fork in the road. It’s the point where your work with this book switches from an intellectual study to one of action. It is where you gather all the information you learned in the previous section and say a resounding YES to continuing the adventure.
It is the point where you start down the steep dangerous slope of your first double black diamond trail.
It is the moment before you slip off your bar stool to talk to the attractive blonde you’ve been noticing all night.
It is the signing of the 30-year mortgage papers for your starter house.
It is holding your newborn in your hands.
When you commit, your life changes. Maybe not always for the better, but at least you are in motion towards your next evolution. The pain of sitting on that fence with the post up your ass is finally released and the excitement of what’s possible stirs in your breast.
Step Four: Design a Strategy
The preliminaries are complete and it is time to make a solid plan for how to achieve your goal. If you want to lose 20 pounds, you are choosing a diet and making yourself a meal plan for you to follow. It will include creating a shopping list, putting aside time to cook, and how you are going to bring these meals to work. In addition, you will be setting some specific milestones to know you’re on the right track such as the initial time frame to try the diet (three months) and whether you want to include a new workout program. This is your plan for the next section.
I see my entire life as one of practice. Therefore, any time I am addressing a new challenge, I will look to create a new strategy on how to achieve my goals. I will definitely draw from my past experiences but will always create a new way to expand my life.
Steps Five to Seven: Implement, Modify, Accountability
This is the bulk of the program. It is where you put your head down, lace up your high tops, engage all your discipline, and start your program. It will be the trips to the library to study for LSAT, saying no to nights of partying and drinking, and dedicating yourself to the program. For an enhanced chance of success, I highly recommend you create some system of accountability. It is very challenging for you to hold yourself to your program, so enroll a friend, coach, or men’s group for a way for you to check in around your progress.
For example, several winters ago, I was distressed that I was out of shape and not happy with my body. Inspired, I decided I wanted to do 30 straight days of hot yoga. However, I knew I needed to create a system of accountability to keep me to my goal, so I posted my project on Facebook. I received a chorus of likes and comments encouraging me. Then after each day’s class, I would post updates like these: “Day 1: Whew, I’m on the ride!,” “Day 2: Feeling excited and strong!,” and “Day 8: This is the worst idea I have ever come up with but I’m doing it!”
On Day 14, I was secretly deciding to skip a day. I had done 13 classes in a row. Around 5 p.m., my friend Beth posted to my wall: “Hey Rob … I didn’t see your post around yoga. Are you okay?” I responded immediately: “I’m going to an 8 p.m. class!!” My willingness to vulnerably share my project created a support system to keep my goal. I ended up doing those 30 days of hot yoga and felt deeply empowered and filled with pride.
I would also recommend you include the opportunity to modify your program, based on your actual experience. Sometimes, you set goals that are either unattainable or actually unhealthy because your ego is writing a check your body can’t cash. There is that fine line of stretching a muscle compared to ripping it. We want the former but not the latter, so keep a healthy mindset to change your program if it’s negatively affecting your life.
Step Eight: Complete, Celebrate, Debrief
When you hit your milestone, it’s very important for you authentically and deeply celebrate your success. Success breeds success and there is biological evidence that, when you acknowledge these wins, you can change your neural pathways around future challenges. Debriefing your experience is extremely important so you can learn what worked, what didn’t, and how to improve your chances of success with future projects.
Then, when are you ready for your next adventure, go back to the beginning and design a new strategy. There is always another mountain to climb towards your greatness.
B
WHAT LIES BELOW A MAN’S PRIVILEGE: FEAR AND DESIRE
Originally printed on my Medium.com account. Reprinted on GoodMenProject.com.
And, as someone who has coached thousands of men over the past 18 years around relationships, sexuality, and communication, I’m interested in looking below the surface of men’s behavior a little more closely. The sheer range of men who have been accused—not just actors and directors, but former conservative presidents, liberal journalists, celebrity chefs, and more—speaks to how widespread this kind of behavior is. A simple look at the power dynamics between these men and their often younger, professionally subordinate victims tells us that privilege and entitlement play huge roles here.
But that’s not all I see. I also see a problem with how men handle their desire. A few weeks ago I wrote a Facebook post to this effect:
Men: Your desire is right. Your hunger is right. However, we have not been taught to communicate well with a woman. The issue is that we live in a society that shames us (men) for having desire, so we tend to store it up in a secret compartment inside of us until it explodes. Sometimes through violence. Society has created this problem. It is the persecution of our desires that have led us to this point. It’s time to make a change.
My intention was twofold. First, I wanted men to know that all of their desires—the socially acceptable and the not-so-popular—were 100 perfect. (As are women’s desires. And it goes without saying that desire and action are two different things, but bear with me for a moment.)
The desires we’re ashamed of—the ones our parents and pastors and teachers cautioned against, the fetishes, the vanilla ones, the ones that include special toys from special websites—in my world, all our desires are absolutely right.
But more importantly, in almost two decades of coaching more than 10,000 people, I’ve seen that men’s methods for expressing their desires tend to be mediocre at best, and horrific at worst.
One perceptive woman responded this way to my post:
Desire becomes expectations, unmet expectations turn to resentment, resentment builds, then explodes. So perhaps it’s not desire that explodes, but an inability to work with and channel desire responsibly and effectively. Am I close? If so, that’s the material that seems worthy of digging into, as male entitlement is an enormous source of lack of safety for the feminine.
I agree.
Reading through hundreds of #MeToo posts has reinforced my theory that men don’t fully comprehend the impact they have on women. They think, “Boys will be boys,” or “I’m just fooling around,” or “Can’t you take a joke?,” and the most insidious stance, “I know what women want more than they do.”
Men, here’s the hard truth. No, you don’t. You know what you want. But you have a really hard time communicating it.
It’s time for men to accept the fact that they are not communicating with women in appropriate ways, and it’s causing harm. To illustrate, let’s step back from actual crimes such as assault and rape and start with baby steps, on the least scary example: the communication technique commonly known as the catcall.
Recently, a woman friend told me about her latest catcall. She was parting from her friend near a stop sign, and gave her a quick, friendly, goodbye peck on the lips. Witnessing this, a man in a passing car rolled down his window and yelled, “Hey, where’s mine?”
Both women rolled their eyes and quickly walked away. His catcall made my friend fume on the inside. She felt violated, and also angry at herself for not responding to the man in the moment. She had thought of several comebacks, but didn’t think it would have done any good, and was frankly a little scared to confront him. So she simply stormed away.
I’ve heard this kind of story from women many times.
Surprisingly, she also revealed that if the man had said something like, “Wow, that was so beautiful,” it would have affected her quite differently. She might have even smiled at the comment.
I’ve spoken in depth with many men about women, sex, and desire, and I believe that in general, they truly don’t know how degrading a catcall feels to a woman. In this instance, I respect the driver’s desire for interaction. At a very basic (and clumsy) level, he was trying to connect.
Let that land for a moment. Beneath the sexism, privilege, and power, let yourself see for just one moment how this catcaller at the wheel of his car was perhaps simply trying to connect to the feminine.
But his aggressive approach, without any concern for how it might land, is what angers women. And his total lack of awareness around safety is what frightens and traumatizes them.
Safety is paramount to a woman. In order for her receive a communication, she must feel a level of connection and security with the communicator. In general, without safety, a woman will not be able to receive your desire.
That’s why catcalling is such a bad strategy for connection. And of course, the even more aggressive behaviors that go up the chain from there, attempting to force a woman into connection, are exponentially worse.
Men’s desire to connect with the feminine is understandable. On a primal, archetypal level, the feminine is life and beauty. The feminine is warmth and energy and ferocious strength. Literally none of us can live without it. But you cannot force the connection, either on a seemingly trivial verbal level or on a more serious physical one. The sooner you learn that, the better.
I recently did a podcast in which five women and one man expressed their viewpoints on #MeToo. One woman said she believed it’s a man’s right to catcall since the First Amendment gives him freedom of speech. That may be true, but just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s wise, appropriate, or efficient.
Catcalling is a lazy, semi-conscious method to express a man’s desire. And I think it’s men’s fear and shame that leads to this cowardly drive-by expression of lust. It’s a way to express desire without risking what a man fears most—rejection. Same with groping a woman’s body in a crowded club or on the street or subway: You want something from her, but you don’t want to take the risk of establishing rapport or asking consent. Lazy. And here’s the rub: Catcalls and gropes are like meals with no nutrients. These drive-by measures don’t just violate and offend women, they actually leave men feeling ungratified as well.
In short, they don’t work for anyone.
So, what are men to do with this huge need we have for the feminine? We are tinderboxes of desire. We’re desperate for feminine affection and fear that we won’t be received, that women won’t let us in.
In my world, the responsibility of the communication lies with the communicator. Take responsibility. Here are some rules and examples I recommend for any man who wants to effectively express his desire.
1. Build rapport.
Hello, my name is …
I noticed you sitting over here and I was wondering if you’d like to talk for a moment.
Hi, may I sit with you for a few minutes?
Within later, longer interactions:
May I ask you a personal question?
This conversation is stimulating. May we take it up a notch?
Thanks for letting me know your feelings on the subject.
I totally get why you’d feel that way.
I didn’t understand that, can you explain again?
2. Receive overt consent.
When you ask a direct question, yes means yes, no means no, and maybe means maybe. If you get a maybe, ask a clarifying question until you get a clear yes or no. And, most importantly, previous yeses don’t indicate future yeses! A yes to asking to sit down does not mean a yes to physical touch. Ask a second question. Ask a third question. Consent is sexy.
3. Express your desire vulnerably.
As time goes on, rapport is built, and you feel a desire to draw nearer to a woman, you might say: “I’ve enjoyed our conversation and want to let you know that
my initial attraction to you has only increased. Would you be open to having dinner next week?”
4. Pay attention to how your communication lands. If you’re not sure, ask. If it misses the mark, apologize and ask permission to try again. If does land, be quiet and wait for a response.
You: My place is much quieter than this.
Her:
You:
Her: I’m not quite sure what you’re asking.
You: I get that. Sorry, may I rephrase?
You: Would you be open to coming to my place for a drink?
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