Her: No, I’m not comfortable doing that yet.
You: Thank you for taking care of yourself.
If what I’ve described above looks overly detailed and too vulnerable—great! That means you’re getting it. No one has taught us men how to communicate effectively and gain appropriate consent from women, so we wing it. At first glance, it might seem that if you communicated in this way, you’d never get a date, a hookup, a girlfriend, a wife, or whatever level of feminine attention you’re seeking. Let me reassure you, the opposite is true. Take the time to learn the practice of connective communication, and your chances of having your desires fulfilled will increase exponentially.
At the end of my recent Facebook post, I wrote this:
Men need education on how to communicate. The best educators are women. Without a woman educating a man, he remains uninformed. Without this step, the cycle repeats.
One woman responded this way:
I would like to place the responsibility for communication education back on men. I am personally tired and don’t have the energy or desire to educate any more men about communication skills in my lifetime.
Another wrote this in response:
I know many male communicators who have taught me about communication and presence, so I don’t buy this reverse-hook thing that, ‘Without a woman educating a man, they remain uninformed.’ That feels like a cop-out … a side-step to accountability.
Those are great points, and they helped me think through my own stance a bit further. Here is what I came up with:
I don’t hold any woman specifically responsible for educating a man on how to communicate. If she is tired and doesn’t want to educate, I’m in full support of that.
While men can be incredible teachers to other men (as I aspire to be), the refinement and nuances of communicating with women must ultimately come from the source—a woman. While I can offer tips and techniques, it is within the minute-by-minute practice of relating that a woman can best educate a man. She’s in her body, she knows how it feels, and she is the expert who can best describe her experience in its rawest form.
A grateful, humble man who requests education and rewards a woman for her truth will go the farthest. My brothers , don’t be shy about asking the women in your life for feedback. More importantly, don’t shoot the messenger when that feedback includes lessons for you. Be grateful and ask for more.
I feel thrilled that we are in a significant shift around men’s inappropriate relating to women. It’s been going on since the dawn of time and is endemic. Where there are power structures, there is misuse of power. I’m not denying the unfair power structures that exist. I’m saying I see men’s buried desires as lying even deeper than those structures—and I see how men use their power in lazy, inappropriate, and sometimes downright immoral ways as a shortcut to fulfilling them.
Let’s learn from these events and use them to impact the world so that men can adopt a healthy way to communicate their innermost desire for the feminine, and so women can feel safe to walk down the street.
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RECOMMENDED READING LIST
Adam Grant - Give and Take
Ayn Rand - The Fountainhead
Cal Newport - Deep Work
Christina Hoff Sommers - The War Against Boys
Christopher Ryan - Sex at Dawn
Deborah Tannen - You Just Don’t Understand
David Deida - The Way of the Superior Man
Derek Sivers - Anything You Want
Donald Miller - Building a Story Brand
Eckhart Tolle - New Earth
Eric Klinenberg - Going Solo
Esther Perel - The State of Affairs
Gary WIlson - Your Brain on Porn
Hanna Rosin - The End of Men
Harville Hendrix - Getting the Love You Want
Jack Myers - The Future of Men
James Carse - Finite and Infinite Games
James McCrae - Sh#t your Ego Says
Jim Collins - Good to Great
Jon Ronson - The Butterfly Effect (audio book)
Joseph Campbell - The Hero with a Thousand Faces
Melody Beattie - Codependent No More
Michael Hyatt - Platform
Michael Kimmel - Angry White Men
Neil Strauss - The Truth
Philip Zimbardo - Man, Interrupted
Dr. Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy
Dr. Robin Stern - The Gaslight Effect
Seth Godin - The Dip
Tony Hsieh - Delivering Happiness
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NOTES AND REFERENCES
01
Erwan Davon, along with his wife, Alicia Davon, still run workshops and retreats, which I highly recommend. Please find them at www.erwandavon.com.
02
When I was employed at OneTaste, I taught more than 400 workshops, led more than 2000 groups, and had hundreds of coaching sessions. I’ve continued to teach workshops and to have a full coaching practice after my exit. The number of 10,000 students was my best guestimate of how many students I have taught during my-10 year tenure.
04
Libby is a pseudonym for a client I worked with in 2016. She is no longer in the business. Story used with permission.
05
Information about patriarchy acquired from Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriarchy)
The exact year of the start of fatherhood (term before patriarchy) is unknown and debated. Check the article for more specific references and information.
I was enthralled by the fascinating history of women’s rights in the United States. My favorite resource was the National Women’s History Alliance Timeline: http://www.nwhp.org/resources/womens-rights-movement/detailed-timeline/. Additional information about Women’s Suffrage movement and right to vote from Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women%27s_suffrage)
Sommers, Christina Hoff, The War against Boys, Simon and Schuster, New York, 2000.
This was the first book I read on this topic and was really taken aback by the facts of it. While I had lived through the time-period the author discusses, it wasn’t my experience. However, as I read more education journals, I saw the deep truth of her perspective.
Zimbardo, Phillipa & Coulombe, Nikita, Man Interrupted, Conari Press, Newburyport, MA 2016.
I read this book from start to finish within three days with a sick feeling expanding in my stomach. It clearly describes the pathway I see young men heading in today’s society. I used many of their concepts and researchers throughout the book
“The Council of Graduate Schools (CGS) reports: http://www.aei.org/publication/women-earned-majority-of-doctoral-degrees-in-2016-for-8th-straight-year-and-outnumber-men-in-grad-school-135-to-100/
https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2017/08/why-men-are-the-new-college-minority/536103/
https://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d16/tables/dt16_303.70.asp
“In 2013, the Pew Research group” http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/12/11/on-pay-gap-millennial-women-near-parity-for-now/
“Recently, Michael Ian Black” New York Times, Op-ed February 21st, 2018: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/21/opinion/boys-violence-shootings-guns.html: I was deeply affected by the Stoneman Douglas Shootings that occurred on February 14th, 2018 that cost 17 people their lives. I was also overwhelmed by the passion of the students after the horrible experience. Please listen to Tuff Love 115: Violence & Toxic Masculinity for more of my thoughts.
“For the first time in history, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports” https://www.pri.org/stories/2014-09-14/singles-now-outnumber-married-people-america-and-thats-good-thing
“Without a ring on it” is a reference to the popular Beyoncé song, Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY
Eric Klingberg, author of Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise of Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, Penguin Books, New York City, 2012: This is another fascinating read about the changing demographics of people’s l
iving habits. I highly recommend it.
“In another Pew Research report, the average age for people” http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/09/14/as-u-s-marriage-rate-hovers-at-50-education-gap-in-marital-status-widens/
Rosin, Hanna, The End of Men, Riverhead Books, New York, 2012
Like Man Interrupted, I absorbed this book. The author does an amazing job of making the data clear that the world is evolving and quickly. I was especially taken back by evolving nature of women into the workforce and men (for certain industries) out!
Myers, Jack, The Future of Men, Inkshares, San Francisco, CA 2016
My own origination: “Men are acting more like boys and women are acting more like men.”
DMR Business statistics - https://expandedramblings.com/index.php/tinder-statistics/ Fascinating stats on the usage of Tinder. 100 million total downloads!!!
Unfortunately, I cannot find the original source of the Facebook post: I’ve never felt this scared to be a man …
“In his landmark book” Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Running Press, Philadelphia, 2000. I think I’ve sold hundreds of this book and cannot recommend it enough. I described it as the worst best book I’ve ever read. Like, “oh no … oh … no.” It is a must read and deeply informed my work.
06
I originated the term “society of disapproval.”
In terms of how many messages we encounter, I found many different statistics. My belief is that this depends on where you live and what your habits are. Here is one example of an article on the topic (https://stopad.io/blog/ads-seen-daily).
No, this is not the author in the yoga pose. Image purchased by IStockphoto.com with standard license. Order number: 2056647210.
07
The author of “rejecting the ‘other’ before they could reject me” is unknown. It is used frequently in self-development work.
Ghosted refers to the practice of leaving a relationship (of any kind) without communication. Please check out Tuff Love episode 009 for my beliefs around this toxic behavior.
“Psychology Today defines...” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/joy-and-pain/201401/what-is-the-difference-between-envy-and-jealousy
08
“known as Body Dysmorphia” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_anorexia_nervosa
09
What 10 Women Want you to Know was a course written and taught by Nicole Daedone and the staff of OneTaste.
“A hex is referred to a confirmation of a self-doubt” attributed to Victor Baranco. First presented to the author by the teacher at a Welcomed Consensus workshop.
I learned the term terminal uniqueness in a 12-step meeting. I am unsure of its actual origins.
“Michael Beldoch.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence
“Hand-in-Hand Parenting” is a new methodology of raising children. I’ve overwhelmed by Morgan’s ability to sit with our children’s tantrums, encourage them to show their emotions, and in doing so, create a safe space for them to emote. Often times, the pain is not about the ice cream she didn’t get but about her getting dismissed by her bestie on the playground. Tuff Love 012 goes into my experience of them and you can read more about it at https://www.handinhandparenting.org/. Please also check out Morgan at www.MorganMellas.com for her educational services for parents.
The concept of victim vs. villain was created by Victor Baranco and taught to the author at More workshop.
“It’s not the circumstance, it’s you” was originated by the author. Please see Tuff Love 006 for more information about it.
Zero-Sum game - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-sum_game
10
“I am a cis-gendered male” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cisgender
The Mask We Live in Documentary - http://therepresentationproject.org/film/the-mask-you-live-in/ or via Netflix
I was informed by this article about the worst insults in our society for LGBTQ society endures. It breaks my heart when I read this not just because I was a victim of being bullied but because this goes so frequently today. It pains me that bullying can cause children to end their own lives on an all-time frequent basis. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ianjohnson/americas-ten-worst-lgbt-w_b_6054808.html
https://www.macmillandictionary.com/us/thesaurus-category/american/offensive-words-for-homosexual-people
https://www.buzzfeed.com/davirocha/stop-it?utm_term=.fqq9qXwLL#.rwRRrdDJJ
“There are many different schools of thoughts” https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/masculine & https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/feminine
“The second distinction described masculine presence” attributed to Nicole Daedone as told to the author.
The story of the two options of driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles is an origination of the author.
“The Bureau of Labor statistics” Rosin, Hanna The End of Men Penguin, 2013 page 86
“David Deida states in his landmark book,“ Deida, David, The Way of the Superior Man, Sounds True, Boulder, CO, 1997. Page 83 While I am not a huge fan of Deida’s work, I must give significant props to this prolific author. He impacted my world by bringing concepts of polarity and the difference between the masculine and feminine to my attention. There are also excellent teachers like John Wineland (www.johnwineland.com) out there helping men using his technology. Please listen to Tuff Love 025 to hear my interview with John.
11
“Men need to remember that when women” John Gray - Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Page 18
“Men get self-worth from their ability” attributed to Victor Baranco. As told to the author in a More workshop.
12
Listen to Jon Ronsom’s The Butterly Effect for free on Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/audible/the-butterfly-effect-with-jon-ronson. I can not emphasize enough the importance of listening to this incredible resource. It is well done and powerful about the impact of free porn in today’s society.
Wilson, Gary, Your Brain on Porn. Commonwealth Publishers, United Kingdom 2014. Also, visit, his website www.yourbrainonporn.com.
13
The concept of going from “good to better’ is attributed to Victor Baranco. The author learned the concept in a More workshop.
“Hay House CEO” was told to the author in a Hay House writer’s workshop.
“Bending not breaking” is my origination based on the concept of BDSM safe words.
“One unit of Fear equals ten units of Life” is an origination of the author. To learn more about it, listen to Tuff Love 051.
I heard FEAR as “False Evidence Appearing Real” in the meeting rooms of 12-step.
14
I learned “the responsibility of the communication on the one who is sending it, the communicator” and the analogy “I open my front door” from Nicole Daedone. I believe this is a viewpoint from the study of semantics.
“Cal Newport, in his excellent book” Newport, Cal, Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World, page 6.
The “power of closing communication cycles” was learned from Nicole Daedone.
“Okay, so I’ll ask a really blunt question” was an actual text message sent from me to Morgan in our first week of dating. Used with permission.
“Dr. Deborah Tanner in her landmark book” Tanner, Deborah, PhD, You Just don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Ballantine Books, 1990, pg. 43.
To learn more about communication, please see my communication workbook available at www.RobertKandell.com.
15
I developed the Good Man exercise as part of OneTaste’s Ignited Man Program.
“Self-esteem is built upon esteemable acts” a common 12-step quote learned by the author at a 12-step meeting.
“Perfection includes the propensity for change” and the example of a rose was a viewpoint originated by Victor Baranco and relayed to the author in a workshop by More.
“In September, 1928, Dr. Alexander Fleming” ht
tps://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/the-real-story-behind-the-worlds-first-antibiotic
16
The extended story of the girlfriend not liking the way I like I kiss can be found on my blog https://robertkandell.com/2018/05/13/i-really-dont-like-the-way-you-kiss/
“Be nice” Attributed to Victor Baranco as told to the author in a More workshop. Likewise, “Being nice is telling the truth without anger” Attributed to Victor Baranco as told to the author in a More workshop.
“When a woman gets emotional” Deida, The Way of the Superior Man. Page XXXX
“Women want sex more than men, just not what’s on the menu,” attributed to Nicole Daedone as told to the author.
To learn about the specifics of a woman’s menstrual cycle, listen to Tuff Love 055 with Sheleana Aiyana.
I learned the viewpoint that our society’s evolution depend on “women speaking and men listening” from Nicole Daedone.
Max, Tucker and Miller, Geoffrey, PhD, What Women Want, Hachette Book group, New York 2015 page 33.
“The amygdala are two small almond-shaped clusters” Goleman, Daniel Emotional Intelligence Scientific America Inc. 1995 pps. 15-19
“I attended an Allison Armstrong workshop” Attributed to Allison Armstrong, The Queen’s code, Los Angeles, Spring 2015.
Deida, David, The Way of the Superior Man
“The word date rape was first seen” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape
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