To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  “I don’t know Olivia, I can assure you that I don’t enjoy it!”

  “I think you do,” she answered, doubtful.

  “I’d saved a seat for you and he sat next to me without asking!” I explained. “And then he blabbed about Jim and Kelly!”

  …And I thought gossip was going to loosen the tension... Big mistake!

  Olivia sulked and her reaction didn’t seem fair at all. There was nothing going on between Chris and I. Nothing at all. Well, he did ask me out to dinner...and he did say that he thought about me while having sex with Jessica...but I didn’t encourage any of that! I had always tried to avoid the guy!

  We finally reached the end of the queue and Olivia went into the first changing room available. I stood next to her on the other side of the curtain, like I always did. That way, she could show me her outfits and I could show her mine afterwards. Something was different this time though; I could sense it. She was taking an awful lot of time to open the curtain.

  “How are you doing, Olivia?” I asked her.

  “Nearly finished,” she answered coldly.

  “What do you mean? Have you already tried everything on?”

  “Yes!”

  “Without showing me? Olivia, this is ridiculous! There is no need to be jealous!”

  I was also getting a little annoyed. Our shopping excursion was being ruined, and because of who? Chris!

  “Please show me your lovely jumpers,” I begged.

  Olivia didn’t reply.

  “Olivia, please don’t sulk…”

  Still no response.

  “Olivia?”

  I peeked through the gap between the curtain and the wall to check she was alright. I found her collapsed on the floor.

  “Olivia!” I shouted.

  A seller nearby heard me and ran to the changing rooms to help me wake her up. She had fainted, probably because of the heat. I put my hands on her shoulders and gently shook her. She gradually opened her eyes.

  “Please make some room!” the seller told all the customers waiting in line.

  He fetched for a glass of water with sugar. Meanwhile, Olivia managed to sit up on a little stool placed inside the booth. She was pale and didn’t say much until the seller finally arrived with something to drink.

  “Did you hurt yourself?” I asked her, kneeling by her side.

  She shook her head.

  “I think you need to take your jumper off, it’s too hot in here.”

  She pushed my hands away before I could even grab hold of it to help her take it off. I didn’t persist.

  “I felt dizzy all of a sudden,” she explained.

  She finished her glass of sugary water and stood up.

  “I want to go home,” she said in a feeble voice.

  I felt like crying, saddened that our friendly outing had ended unpleasantly.

  I took Olivia home and stayed with her for an hour while she rested on her sofa. She lived in a little studio on her own, which didn’t reassure me. I suggested staying the night to make sure she’d be alright, but she insisted that I left. She assured me that it wasn’t because of our little argument in the shop and that she just wanted to be alone. I still felt desolate to leave her by herself knowing I had upset her before she blacked out so suddenly. I hoped the weekend would pass quickly, eager to see her again on Monday morning.

  Chapter 13

  Our final third year exams were coming up soon. Only three weeks of class left and two weeks dedicated to revisions. I didn’t really know what I wanted to be once I finished my studies. I would probably become some kind of assistant for a marketing director or a junior brand manager or a copywriter. Anyhow, there was no need for me to worry about my future career just yet; I intended to begin a Master in Marketing Management after this year’s degree. I had no doubt that the exams would go well in June as I had been an assiduous student all year round, but there were many subjects to scramble through to finish the year: marketing, communication and management fundamentals, language and business presentation, culture, ideology and market, product, advertising, pricing, distribution channels, prediction methods, human resources, investigation and research methods, consumer, purchase and sale behaviours, and of course, company economics.

  Olivia and I started to go through a couple of these subjects while sunbathing on the grass of the university’s campus park. We had two hours to ourselves before Mr Hutchins’ late afternoon class. Although Olivia was still wearing a jumper out in the hot air, she looked much better than a few days earlier. She had rosy cheeks and her hair was shining in the gorgeous – but sizzling – sunshine. Sounds of laughter suddenly grabbed our attention while we were peacefully reading the fundamentals of management. We looked up and spotted some of our classmates sitting further down the park, chuckling at something Chris had said.

  “Maybe we should join them,” Olivia put forward.

  I knew she was desperate to spend a bit of time with Chris. She wouldn’t admit it but I had guessed that she liked him, just like all the other girls.

  “I want to work on these fundamentals,” I said to avoid going over there.

  Olivia seemed a little disappointed and looked at the group as if she longed to be part of their special gang.

  “Go ahead if you want,” I told her.

  “Are you sure?” she asked. “I don’t want to leave you on your own…”

  “It’s fine, I really don’t mind,” I said sincerely.

  She packed up her notebooks and tied her hair up in a neat ponytail.

  “Sure you don’t want to come?” she checked.

  “Yes, I’ll catch up with you in Mr Hutchins’ class.”

  She smiled at me then wandered off, looking forward to have a good laugh with the reputably irresistible Chris Downes. Jessica, Tommy, Jim, Graham, Pauline, Nolan and Helen surrounded him. I wondered what kind of stories he must have told them to make them fall about laughing so loudly. Probably some nonsense, as usual. When they noticed Olivia coming towards them, they welcomed her into their circle. While they moved up to make space for her, Chris glanced at me. I ignored him and immediately returned to my studies.

  Two hours later, I was waiting outside the classroom for Olivia to return from her afternoon with the gang. Sure enough, they all turned up at the same time. We hung out in the hallway while waiting for Mr Hutchins to arrive. He hated when we entered the classroom before him. “That’s disrespectful!” he would say. None of us minded; it was much cooler in the dark corridor than in the classroom.

  “How did it go?” I asked Olivia while all our classmates were busy chatting about what they did over the weekend.

  “It was fun,” she answered vaguely.

  I was expecting a more elaborate response. She usually got excited about any piece of news or gossip she found out, and she would tell me as soon as possible.

  “Is that it?” I asked.

  She stayed quiet for about ten seconds, then she couldn’t help but question me in an obnoxious tone…

  “Who is Geoffrey?”

  Oh, shit! Chris had opened his big mouth! I noticed he was also using that big mouth to stick his tongue down Jessica’s throat at the other end of the hallway, while I was trying to avoid an argument with my friend.

  “It’s not what you think,” I told Olivia.

  “How come Chris knows about your boyfriend and not me?” she asked, chagrined.

  “He’s not my boyfriend... I said that to make him shut up!” I tried to explain.

  She looked at me, confused.

  “I have never even heard of Geoffrey…” she added.

  I was getting anxious and I wanted to find the right words to reassure Olivia.

  “He’s just this guy I met one weekend at an art exhibition with Michael and Hannah, and he was funny, and I thought I liked him, but when he kissed me, I didn’t want to. Chris was bothering me in the ladies room, so I told him I had a boyfriend.”

  That sounded dr
eadful. Olivia looked at me as if I was a complete stranger.

  “Why was Chris in the ladies room?”

  “Well, he… he asked me out…” I whispered with difficulty.

  I literally felt my throat close up when I told her.

  “What! When?” she questioned, taken by surprise.

  Oh gosh, it was all getting so complicated to clear up.

  “It doesn’t matter. I said no.”

  I didn’t technically say no to Chris... She didn’t need to know that. She was already staring at me, utterly stumped, as if I was a different person from the girl she used to know.

  “…You didn’t want to tell me?” she asked in a sad trembling voice.

  My heart broke seeing how vexed she was.

  “I…” I started to say, “I didn’t… I mean, I was afraid you would… maybe… tell someone about it…”

  There was an alarming silence. One of those silences that has an immediate impact on a relationship. One that changes it instantly. I hadn’t trusted my friend, and consequently, she wasn’t going to rely on me.

  “I thought we could tell each other everything!” she said, about to cry.

  My throat felt so tight. I thought I wouldn’t be able to breathe from the pain of betraying Olivia’s faith in our friendship.

  “It has all been so…”

  I was gravely trying to find the words to explain myself.

  “I was thrown off balance,” I finally said.

  “What do you think I’m here for?” she asked, angry.

  She didn’t let me answer and followed everyone into the classroom. I was so consumed by my emotions that I hadn’t even noticed that Mr Hutchins had made an appearance. I was the last student to walk in and I searched for a seat next to Olivia, but she was already sitting next to Tommy. I understood then, that after hiding so much from my best friend, I wasn’t worth saving a seat for.

  Chapter 14

  I wanted to make it up to Olivia. She and I met in college six years ago and we had stuck together ever since. We shared everything: our crushes, our breakups, the good and the bad results at school, the quarrels with our parents and our brothers and sisters, the gossip, the parties, the shopping, the films, the music and even the colds... Yes, when she had a blocked up nose, it was foreseeable that I would have the same symptoms a couple of days later. Any excuse to chat to one another was valid at any time of the day and night, and we would talk for hours. We studied together, we helped each other out and we very rarely argued. I couldn’t help but ask myself over and over again why I didn’t tell her about Geoffrey and Chris. I guess it was clear to me that she wouldn’t have been able to keep a secret from the latter. Gossip and secrets were her weak point. They always had been. And Chris was the devil. He would have hypnotized her with his big brown eyes, leading her to give away my top-secret information: Geoffrey was not my boyfriend. Unfortunately, after letting her down, Olivia had probably already revealed it.

  I was soon going to find out as I saw Chris coming towards me while I was standing alone in the queue of the university’s shop to buy my lunch. I bet he’s going to mock me for having lied about Geoffrey, I thought, or maybe ask me out again! As he came closer, I couldn’t take my eyes off his blond hair, lightly falling in front of his forehead, making him look very sexy. I meant pretentious. PRETENTIOUS. Not sexy. Nope, NOT SEXY! He smiled at me as he strolled in my direction. To my surprise, he didn’t stop. He continued walking in an endless movement and went right passed me after winking suggestively. Then he turned his back to me and met up with Jessica who was standing further down the line. He tapped her buttocks and kissed her neck inappropriately, just like Dracula would bite a damsel in distress – but without digging his teeth too far into her skin. In that moment, he gave me a fleeting look and winked once again. “What a sleazeball!” I mumbled, furious. “Who does he think he is?”

  I left the queue in a flash. My mind was insulting him indefinitely, using every affront and rudeness that existed in the English dictionary. My body tensed up and my breathing rate increased. While rushing off campus, I caught sight of Olivia picnicking on the grass with Tommy, Graham, Kelly and Nolan. She didn’t see me, but if she had, she would have noticed tears falling down my face. What was happening to me? My first two years at Uni went smoothly, my friendships were steady and I had no reputation whatsoever. And suddenly, at the end of my third year, everything was getting out of control! I was labelled The Rat Woman, I was losing my best friend and I was going bananas over a guy I hated!

  I ditched class and ran home, hoping to talk it through with Hannah and Michael. They were surely going to help me figure it all out; they were so good at listening, giving advice and solving problems. Once, they pretended I didn’t live with them anymore to stop an ex-boyfriend from coming round. Poor Thomas, he hoped for months that I would go out with him again, but I couldn’t stand his clingy manners. He would call me and send thousands of texts every single day just to ask what I was doing. It was exhausting!

  As I got my keys out of my handbag, I heard my roommates’ voices from the corridor of the building. Great, they were home! I was about to open the front door when they started to shout.

  “You are so ignorant!” yelled Hannah.

  “I don’t care what you think about it!” Michael answered back.

  I stayed outside the front door and put my ear up against it.

  “Why won’t you listen to me?” asked Hannah.

  “Since when do I have to ask for your permission or your consent?”

  “Trust me on this one, you’re going to regret it!”

  “Stop interfering with my life!” yelled Michael.

  A door slammed, then followed a long silence.

  After a minute or two, I turned the handle and stepped into the apartment. The noise surprised Hannah who was sitting at the kitchen table. She stood up, wiped her red puffy eyes and forced a smile.

  “Oh, hello Mandy,” she said, sniffling.

  “Hi,” I answered timidly.

  While I shut the door, she grabbed an onion from the kitchen counter.

  “Damn these onions!” she said, half crying and half laughing, “they always make my eyes burn.”

  I nodded and moved along. She obviously didn’t want me to know about their fight or wasn’t ready to talk about it, and I knew it wasn’t a good time for me to seek advice either. I left her alone and went straight to my bedroom. Although it was only one o’clock in the afternoon, I tumbled into bed and hid under the covers. My only wish at that instant was to shut the whole world out.

  Chapter 15

  Hiding under the covers was my way of denying reality. I had done exactly the same the day my sister left home to live with her boyfriend when I was fifteen. Sheets allowed me to create a protection from the ongoing changes in the outside world. I thought I could escape the emptiness after her departure, but inevitable feelings of sadness and loneliness caught up with me when I finally got out of bed. The first few weeks, I couldn’t stand seeing her deserted bedroom and her abandoned seat at the dinner table. My parents didn’t seem affected by her leaving – unless they managed not to show the slightest emotion on the subject – whilst I suffered for days.

  There I was again, five years later, sobbing under my covers, worrying about my roommates’ fight and dreading the loneliness at Uni. Wasn’t Olivia troubled by our argument too? Was it that easy to ignore me? I shoved my sheets to one side of the bed and lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. One name came to mind right away: Geoffrey. Instead of feeling sorry for myself all afternoon, I decided to go and see him. I didn’t bump into Hannah or Michael on my way out. They were both in their own rooms, probably both in a huff. I hoped they would patch things up by the time I got back. I walked down the stairs and into the busy streets. For the first time in months, heavy clouds were coming towards the city. We all longed for a bit of rain to purify the air and wash the pollution away.

  As I arrived in front of
Geoffrey’s art exhibition, I wondered if it was a good idea to bother him with my problems. The last time I saw him, he seemed to have some of his own. However, it was too late to turn back… Geoffrey noticed me standing in the street and invited me in.

  “What a pleasant surprise!” he said joyfully.

  “Hi, I hope I’m not disturbing you…”

  I stepped inside.

  “No, of course not! It’s quiet during the week. There are more visitors at weekends. There have even been groups of tourists on Sundays. A guide shows them around all the different exhibitions in the street.”

  Geoffrey soon noticed my absent eyes and gathered that I wasn’t listening to a word he was saying.

  “Is something the matter, Mandy?”

  “Sorry,” I said, “I’m a little upset.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I had walked all the way to his place, and yet once I was there, I didn’t want to talk about my roommates, Olivia, or Chris.

  “Maybe I can help,” he continued.

  “I’m just anxious, that’s all. Exams are coming up soon.”

  “Ah! I see. I never took my exams,” he mentioned. “I purchased my workshop during my first year at university six years ago, and by the time the exams started, I had already given up on my classes and opened my exhibition.”

  “And you managed to earn a living thanks to your art?” I asked.

  “It was hard at the beginning...but now my artwork is recognised and I am no longer a starving artist.”

  “I’m very happy for you,” I said fondly.

  Our eyes met and he offered to show me around his workshop. The ground floor was for the exhibition of his greatest works, but as we stepped upstairs, I saw where he created his art. Some paintings were finished and neatly piled up against the walls, some uncompleted ones were sitting on a couple of easels scattered about the room, and some had been chucked into a corner. I guessed they were failed first drafts. There were posters of celebrities and politicians all over the walls that he used as material to draw his amusing caricatures. Newspapers covered the floor and the whole room stank of paint and cigarettes.