To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  It was embarrassing to cry in front of Chris and to barely recall the events of the night before. I felt ashamed and despicable.

  “No, of course not,” he answered.

  He sat on the edge of the bed.

  “Why am I in my underwear then?” I asked, deeply disturbed.

  “Val was afraid you might throw up on your dress during the night, so she helped you take it off before putting you to bed.”

  “Oh...”

  I was relieved.

  “I tried to sleep on the sofa, but it is the most uncomfortable piece of furniture I have ever laid on!” said Chris. “So I slept here, on the floor. I wanted to keep an eye on you. I hope that was alright.”

  “...Yes– Yes, thank you,” I told him, a little more at ease.

  I wiped my eyes, but the tears kept building up; I hated the feeling of losing control and there was still so much I had forgotten. I took a sip of water and requested that Chris tell me more.

  “Well,” he began, “you were about to take off your pants when Dave pulled you off stage...”

  Thank heavens! Good job gigantic Dave!

  “...And Fay could return to the podium.”

  “Sorry about that,” I murmured, remorseful.

  “Dave carried you upstairs, and I tried to give you something to eat...”

  “Oh dear, I remember... I threw bread rolls at you!”

  “Yes. I survived that,” he joked.

  Although my eyes kept watering, I found the strength to smile. Chris was being so kind to me despite my terrible behaviour.

  “Why did I do that?” I asked.

  “Because I said I wouldn't sleep with you.”

  Awkward. Maybe it was best that I didn't remember some parts of the story.

  “Once you had some food in your stomach, you started to calm down and we sat on the sofa for a couple of hours.”

  “Crazy Stupid Love,” I recalled.

  “Yes, you really enjoyed that film.”

  Another image came back to me... I think I fell asleep on Chris' shoulder while holding his hand. I wasn't sure if that was true or just a fantasy. I chose not to bring it up in conversation.

  “And then Val helped you get ready for bed,” Chris finished. “You were half asleep at that point.”

  I kept on crying.

  “Amanda, it's okay,” he said, gently. “You didn't do anything that we couldn't handle.”

  “...I realise that now, but I was so afraid this morning when I woke up. I hoped I hadn't run away and ended up in a stranger's house! Or worse, back at Geoffrey's! Whatever he put in that wine was powerful and intense.”

  “Yes... Probably some kind of ecstasy. Mixed with alcohol doesn't help.”

  “Sorry to have caused so much trouble last night,” I said, sincerely.

  “Don't worry about it. I'm glad I found you in time.”

  I fell back onto the pillows and closed my worn-out eyes.

  “My head is killing me,” I told him.

  “Get some rest.”

  By the time he had said those three words, I had already zonked out. Now that I knew where I was and what had happened, I was able to unwind.

  ***

  The smell of baked beans and sausages drew me out of a deep sleep. I turned to the little alarm clock on the bedside cabinet... It said one o'clock. Oh gosh, I had to get going! I stood up so fast I got a head rush and fell immediately back onto the bed. As I sat waiting for the dizziness to go away, I felt the cool air of a ventilator drift over my skin. I didn't recollect seeing it a couple of hours before; Chris must have put it in the corner of the room while I was resting. I finally took small steps to the door and put my blue dress back on before leaving Chris' room. I tiptoed into a small corridor which was filled with flowery decorations, just like the living come dining room that I soon recognised. Val was cooking a brunch and had already laid the table. There were three plates... I feared that one of them was for me; I really wanted to leave.

  “Mandy, you're up!” said Val in her sweet old voice. “Come sit down... I'm sure you must be hungry.”

  I was actually, but I still thought it wasn't a good idea to stay.

  “Wh– Where's Chris?” I asked.

  “He's gone to get some bread. Ours had gone bad in the heat and we had to chuck it away. Come, take a seat!”

  “I would like to use your bathroom, if that's alright?”

  “Yes of course, darling. Down the corridor, on the right.”

  The bags under my eyes looked dreadful. Dark and swollen. Simply horrific. I hoped it was the mirror and lighting in the bathroom that caused them to appear that way. I freshened up and returned to the kitchen as soon as I felt more with it. Chris was back from his trip to the bakery and was slicing a loaf of bread. We acknowledged each other's presence simply by smiling.

  “Sit down darlings, it's ready!” said Val, lovingly.

  Not only did I thank them for including me for brunch, I also apologised a dozen times throughout the meal for my unacceptable conduct and my unwelcome performance at Behind the Curtains.

  “It's not your fault, Mandy,” said Val. “Chris told us about George.”

  “Geoffrey,” Chris rectified.

  From then on, just to hear Geoffrey's name gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to digest the bread Val was spreading butter all over.

  “Luckily Chris was there to help you,” she pointed out.

  He and I shared eye contact for a brief moment and he gave me another friendly smile. I shed a tear. The whole story had shaken me up and I was still feeling pretty rough.

  “After eating, head straight to the police, Mandy,” advised Val. “Tell them all about Geoffrey.”

  The thought of it made me cringe. I was not ready for it. I had exams coming up, my best friend was in hospital, my roommates weren't around to support me, and it was out of the question to tell my parents or my sister about my shameful night. It would have only worried them, and I had no time for concern, trouble or any kind of interference in the following days. I needed to study! To file a police report would have complicated matters and distracted me from what was most important: getting my degree. Although I knew deep down that I was making a mistake in keeping this information entirely to myself, I ignored Val's rational suggestion and I changed the subject.

  “Hardly two weeks until the final exams...” I mentioned.

  “Oh yes!” Val cheered with glee. “I'm looking forward to celebrating your graduation!” she said as she placed her hand on Chris'.

  His face turned just as pale as mine as I witnessed Val's excitement regarding an event that might never happen for her most beloved boy. It was then that I realised I was probably the only person to know about his pursuit to find his father as well as his indifference towards his studies. Chris kept his head down and carried on eating. I kept my mouth shut.

  When the meal was over, I helped clear up and even gave a hug to Val before I left.

  “Take care of yourself now, love,” she told me.

  Her kind words warmed my heart.

  “I'll escort you to the door,” said Chris.

  As we walked side by side, towards the exit of the club, I could have burst into tears at any moment. Chris was aware of my difficulty to speak and rightly sensed that I was troubled. He opened the club door for me and I felt a mass of hot air enter the room like a gust of wind. I couldn't leave the building at first, and remained standing in the doorway, gazing out at the blue sky as if I was afraid of daylight.

  “Chris...” I said softly, “could you take me home please?”

  There wasn't even a slight pause before he nodded, but I still felt the need to justify my request.

  “Geoffrey knows where I live,” I told him, in a shaky voice. “I don't want to be alone right now.”

  ***

  It was the first time ever that Chris Downes set foot into my world. I welcomed him inside the fl
at and showed him around. As expected, Hannah and Michael weren't back yet; hence the uncomfortable stillness alongside the excruciating heat in the apartment. My environment turned out not to be very interesting that afternoon. In comparison to his, it was dead boring! Nevertheless, he complimented our place, describing it as cosy and peaceful – I certainly hoped the peace would last despite all our current upsetting problems. I offered him a glass of coca-cola with some ice to recharge his batteries before returning back to his side of town under the beaming sun. He accepted. In the following minutes, it was a struggle to find conversation starters. We both stood in the kitchen without knowing where to put ourselves or how to react. Good thing we could use our drinks to fill the silence and sip the minutes away...

  When Chris had swallowed down the final drops and had put his glass on the table, he wished me a good evening.

  “Wait!” I shouted, just as he was about to turn the handle of the front door. “C– Can I ask for your number, please? I'll probably be here by myself... tonight and, well... It would reassure me if I had someone to call if ever Geoffrey showed up...”

  “Of course.”

  I gave him a pen and a notepad, and he wrote down three phone numbers for me.

  “My mobile, Val's landline and the club's number,” he indicated. “If you want, I can also keep you company when you go to the police office. After all, I am a witness...”

  “That won't be necessary,” I said, acting indifferent despite feeling sheer turmoil inside.

  I thanked him for the hundredth time. He then made his way to the front door.

  “Chris,” I called out, preventing him from departing again.

  “Yes?”

  I didn't know how to begin at first, but then I let myself pour my heart out...

  “...You were right, you know... I– I am a prude. Being intimate with someone doesn't come easy for me... You have startled me with your rudeness and your provocations over these past months. Understand that, I have never seen myself as a desirable or sexy person... I... I have repressed my sexual desires. Not only that, I have put a red line through anything that doesn't abide by the rules, anything extravagant, anything erotic... I have snubbed all of it, simply because I am unable to do such things. Last night... Last night, wasn't really me... The usual Amanda wouldn't have dared to go anywhere near the pole and dance like that! And yet, it was a part of me that needed to be brought to light; a part of me that hated my prudeness. Chris, you made me hate that about myself. You made me feel... plain and predictable. Unlike Jessica, I'm not outgoing and uninhibited. Yesterday, it got to me. I wanted to prove to you that I could be unexpected and entertaining.”

  Chris came closer to me.

  “Please don't tell anybody,” I begged him, about to weep again.

  “I won't say a word, Amanda,” he replied, looking deep into my eyes. “Wasn't it obvious though? I was only giving you a hard time to get your attention. I don't need to be like that around the others... the guys or the girls at Uni... I simply have to tell them one of my anecdotes to keep them hooked. But you didn't like the stories, nor me. You frustrated me with your indifference.”

  “Why not give up on me then?”

  “I didn't lie to you when I said that I liked you, Mandy... I like you a lot. I like the fact that you are bashful, studious, kind-hearted, reserved. All that makes you very attractive. You don't need to act sexy like you did last night. I never wanted you to change, you know; I wanted you to take a chance on me, despite my flaws and our differences.”

  “...And you didn't consider kindness as a way to get to a woman's heart?” I asked, a little angry that he had put me through so much.

  “Kindness isn't usually what women are looking for in me; they crave for excitement. They're not interested in the parent-less, disturbed Chris; they want the diverting, eccentric, carefree version of me. Do you think Jess gives a shit about what I like to do on a Sunday evening? She would make fun of me if she found out that my favourite moment of the week is when the staff of Behind the Curtains and myself all sit down and play Jenga with Val.”

  “So why do you go out with her?”

  “Because I could never get through to you.”

  If only he knew that he did.

  “When we first met,” he continued, “you were so bothered by what other people thought about me, that you didn't even let me step into your tent... although that would have been the chance to get to know each other.”

  “I– I thought that... you were expecting... sex.”

  “No.”

  I froze on the spot.

  How many times in our lives have we been told to never judge a book by its cover? How many times have we been told not to make assumptions about people we don't know? I had fallen into the trap and had degraded a man, and even a possibly beautiful relationship, without giving it a chance. In fact, I hadn't even let it start; I had shut it down immediately without any care or consideration whatsoever.

  “I'm going to go now,” he said, breaking the silence.

  “Oh, okay...” I sighed.

  Having said that, neither of us moved. Our eyes were locked on each other. Time stood still for about fifteen seconds, giving us the opportunity to take in everything about one another, as if we had just met for the very first time.

  Chapter 43

  My heart was beating fast and thumping powerfully in my chest, just like a hammer on a nail. It was so intense that it felt as if I was taking part in a marathon! The rest of my body was tense, frantic and shaking; a reaction similar to what you could experience when encountering a lion that was ready to pounce on you at any moment. I was simply lying in my bed when these symptoms first occurred. That was five hours ago. It was now three o'clock in the morning and I still couldn't relax nor fall asleep. I had spent the whole night fidgeting, drinking water and going over every little detail of the past twenty-four hours. The waiting at Crosby Beach, the wine at Geoffrey's, the sudden sweating followed by the unusual liberated state of mind, the dancing at Behind the Curtains, the difficult awakening in Chris' room, the delicious brunch with Val... Confusion, shame, fear and an immense feeling of vulnerability had settled into my brain and would not leave. I felt stupid for having trusted Geoffrey, guilty for wanting to have sex with him in order to feel better about myself, naïve for drinking a weird tasting wine, dishonest for hiding my true feelings for Chris, sick for showing my body and face at the strip club... And last but not least, I felt lonely. Nobody was at home and I feared for my safety. I had misjudged everything, and therefore had lost all my confidence. As I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling and waiting for my racing heartbeat to calm down, I grabbed my mobile from the bedside table and went through all of my contacts to find somebody I could call for help.

  Olivia

  Oh, how I wished I could tell her everything! But she needed to focus on herself. My problems would only draw her away from her own healing.

  Kelly

  We weren't that close... I wasn't comfortable enough yet to talk about such demeaning matters with her.

  Jessica

  Ugh! No! Contact deleted.

  Chris

  I wanted to see him again so badly... I wished I had kissed him before he left the flat that afternoon. Who was I kidding... Yes, I had fallen madly in love with him – but against my will!

  Mum and Dad

  No. Too embarrassing. Too disappointing. Impossible.

  Jasmine

  My sister. My hands shook as I spontaneously pressed the little green telephone on the screen...

  “Hello?” said a drowsy yet familiar voice.

  “Jasmine?” I started to bawl like a child.

  “Mandy? Is that you? What's the time? Are you alright?” she whispered.

  “I'm so sorry for calling in the middle of the night...” I cried, overwhelmed. “I'm having a hard time, Jassy...”

  That was the nickname I gave her when I was five years old. It had stuck with her ever s
ince.

  “What's going on?”

  On the other end of the line, I heard Francis, her husband, question her about the unexpected call. She told him to go back to sleep, and I caught the creaking sound of the bedroom door as she quietly left their room.

  “I'm really sorry to disturb you...” I said between sniffles.

  “Don't worry about it. Tell me what's happened, Mandy.”

  Where should I begin? I had so much to tell my sister, not just about the previous disturbing night, but also about Olivia, and of course, about Chris Downes.

  “I keep hoping he will do something disgusting, something that will make me hate him forever!” I blurted out, swamped by my emotions. “I love him so much that his absence makes my body ache, and his presence makes it ache even more,” I confessed. “I walked right into it on the day I met him, Jasmine, and it has been crushing me to pieces bit by bit ever since...”

  I had no idea if I was making any sense to her; I just kept talking with desperation.

  “... and now, I can’t let go of my need to be loved by him.”

  I sobbed out all my troubles and Jasmine carefully listened to my story from start to finish. By four thirty, my explanations finally came to an end. And by that time, my sister had already drunk two coffees to stay awake. I was exhausted. My heart had ceased its pounding but my entire body was still tensed up and I had cried my eyes out without interruption. Mustn't have been enjoyable for Jasmine to hear me in such a state, especially since we hadn't spoken to each other for months! Our last discussion dated back to the end of January, when her youngest was celebrating her third birthday.

  “Gosh, Mandy... I didn't know you were going through so much,” she said. “You really should tell the police, you know. Geoffrey is a dangerous man.”

  “I don't have the strength to just yet,” I told her. “I want to rest, but I can't stop panicking!”