Cats vs. Robots #2

by Margaret Stohl

  Pants guessed, correctly, that no Robot could resist the allure of efficiency. Much like the Feline compulsion to catch a flickering light, Binars always chose the optimal path without second thought.

  Call it instinct or wiring, the result was the same.

  Direct, explode-y combat with Felines was tempting, but a quicker, simpler path to the same solution was irresistible.

  “You have my attention,” SLAYAR said. “Describe the optimal path.”

  “The idea is to use deception to draw Chairman Meow down to Earth along with you,” Pants said, “and while he is vulnerable, you capture him.”

  “How?” SLAYAR didn’t get it.

  “I will lie to Meow and tell him that I plan to give the engine only to him and deliver you as his prisoner.”

  “Lying to Meow I like. The other parts, not so much.” SLAYAR wasn’t quick to understand plans that involved deception.

  “Meow is a selfish, insufferable creature, as you know. I need to lure him in, and the promise of the engine and your humiliation will be irresistible. His foolish pride will lead him right into the trap. We will meet on Earth. I will tell you the time and place. Just follow my lead, and at the right moment, I will spring the trap. He will be your prisoner, and the Feline Fleet will surely dissolve into chaos. The Feline Empire will be finished, and SLAYAR will be a hero of historic proportions.”

  SLAYAR liked the sound of that. “What about the Engine of Infinite Horses?”

  Pants paused a moment to figure out what SLAYAR meant. “Oh yes, the Infinity Engine will be yours, of course. Take it back to Binar and use it to usher in a new era of prosperity to your subjects.

  “Afterward,” Pants added, “you can celebrate with a much-deserved jam session.”

  Capture and humiliation of Meow. Control of Feline Fleet. And a HEDBANGRZ jam sesh? It seemed like a lot to expect, even for SLAYAR.

  Lies and trickery were not a part of his standard operating procedures. No Binar would have come up with a plan like this, which triggered SLAYAR’s warning flags.

  The logic did check out.

  Meow would be his prisoner. No energy would be wasted in space combat, as grand and epic as it would be. No lost ships on either side. It would be a glorious moment, one that would make SLAYAR Binar’s greatest leader, and greatest lead guitar.

  His circuits sparked in unison.

  “I’m in.”

  26

  Meow Mixed Up

  On board the Tasty Treat, Pounce paced, nerves frayed as the Feline Fleet raced closer to Earth. Pounce was in a nonstop race between the cargo hold and the Royal Quarters, shuttling Royal Treats in and dirty litter out.

  Meow grew increasingly bored with the journey, and when he was bored, he ate. And ate.

  “How can one cat possibly eat this much?” Pounce asked himself as he plodded, exhausted, to his quarters for a nap. He went straight to his favorite cushion and started kneading, when he noticed a rarely used light flash above a display panel.

  “Message from unknown source? Must be an error.” He wearily raised his bean toe and tapped a button. “Pounce de Leon, Major Meow-Domo to the Chairman of the Great Feline Empire, here. Identify yourself.”

  Vice President Pants heard the name and couldn’t resist. “Pounce de Leon? What an aDORable name! Like Ponce! And you’re an explorer!” Pants didn’t think his comments would be insulting to Pounce. He wasn’t used to speaking with intelligent cats. Or any animal for that matter. Pets were props to Pants. Good for a photo op, but not much else.

  Fortunately for Pants, Pounce had no knowledge of fifteenth-century Spanish explorers and in any event was too tired to be insulted. “Thank you?” Pounce replied, confused.

  “You’re quite welcome! Oh, I apologize, I didn’t introduce myself. I am Parker Pants, the most powerful human on Earth. I lead the largest armies and the strongest government. I have a critical message for your leader regarding the upcoming conflict with the Binars.

  “You are contacting me from Earth?” Pounce asked.

  “Yes, are you impressed? Proof positive of my power!” Pants boasted. “As I said, I would like to help the Felines, but to do that I need an audience with your chairman.”

  Pounce considered. The communication was highly irregular, to be sure, but he was so tired. He thought that, in the best case, this human could help Felinus. Worst case, he wasted Meow’s time. Either way, it would be a distraction to Meow and give Pounce a moment to plan. And nap. Worth it, he thought.

  “Human Pants, I will connect you to the Royal Chambers and Chairman Meow, the leader of the Great Feline Empire. One moment.”

  In the Royal Chambers, Meow had just finished his third lunch and was resting, uncomfortably full, on his portable Space Throne. An attendant trotted into the room to announce an incoming message from Earth.

  “The leader of Earth?” Meow sighed. “Now? But I’m so tired,” he complained. “On the other paw, I could use a distraction. Put him through.”

  The attendant nodded and went to a nearby panel to boop open the communications channel. White noise emerged from a speaker on the wall, followed by a human voice.

  “Chairman Meow, most esteemed and long-lived leader, I am honored by this opportunity to speak to you. I know you are occupied with the many details of managing your kingdom and fleet. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be, for a Feline of your age.”

  Meow’s whiskers twitched. He twisted to look at his graying fur. “My age? What exactly are you implying?”

  “Oh, don’t be modest, Chairman,” Pants said. “You are the longest-serving leader in the history of Felinus, are you not? Your accomplishments are legendary, as is your tenure. I know, from my own experience, that true leadership is exhausting work”—Pants paused and took careful aim—“especially when every passing moment brings you closer to the end of your ninth life.”

  Whammo!

  Pants hit Meow right where it hurt.

  “Wh—” Meow stuttered. “Why, I’ll have you know I have as much energy as I did in my first few lives,” he lied. The attendants in the room cleaned their fur to hide their rolling eyes.

  “Come now, Chairman,” Pants said, gushing with sympathy. “I know the burden of power is heavy, and you have been carrying it for so long. We mustn’t bury the truth under the litter of lies. Think of your Empire! I can’t imagine their sorrow at losing such an irreplaceable treasure as yourself.” He sniffed and paused, pretending to blow his nose. “Which is why I wanted to offer my help.”

  Meow perked up. “I’m listening.”

  “You are coming to Earth to acquire a device, the Infinity Engine, correct?”

  “I don’t share my secret plans with unknown Furless,” Meow clawed back, still annoyed.

  “Of course, of course,” Pants said, and forged ahead. “I can help you not only acquire the device, but use it to extend your life, and benevolent reign, forever!”

  “We already plan on acquiring the engine,” Meow said with a growl. “We don’t need two-leggers to help with that.”

  “Undoubtedly,” Pants responded. “I am sure you can deal with the Binar Fleet and any resistance you may encounter on Earth. However, using the engine presents quite a different challenge. For example, a suitable body must be built. Your enormous mind must also be scanned and transferred. The process is quite complicated, with many steps and a great deal of . . . calculations.”

  Meow winced at the mathematical term.

  “I fear that, by the time your scientists learn to use it, it will be too late.” Pants let the words sink in.

  Meow didn’t like this human, but he was making sense. He reached out to claw his throne to calm himself. “What is your plan?”

  “Everything is prepared, but to complete the process, you must come to Earth. Not for long! Just long enough to choose your new form, and for our scientists to complete the complex computations required for your transfer.”

  “Why would you want to help us?” Meow’s caut
ion was classic Feline. Never attack until you know you have the advantage. Creep. Sniff. Listen. Prowl.

  “I admit that Earth cannot defeat the superior power of the Felines, or the Binars. I would at least like to choose who conquers us. And I choose you. Binars are so crude and uncreative. I prefer Feline grace and sophistication. All humans do. On Earth, we revere cats. They eat better than most humans.”

  “Go on,” Meow purred.

  “Most humans already make it their highest priority to care for cats. With Earth, you have a planet that is already conquered! You could land and rule this place without extending a claw.”

  “A planet full of servants,” Meow said. “Sounds too good to be true.”

  “Some things are both good and true, Chairman. I can prove it. On Earth, we have a planetwide network almost completely dedicated to the worshipful sharing and viewing of Feline antics.”

  Meow growled to a communications cat nearby, who nodded and quickly poked and booped colorful buttons. A screen on the wall flickered to life. “Show me these delightful Feline antics you claim to worship,” Meow said, with a challenging sarcastic tone.

  “With pleasure!” Pants said. “Antics incoming, any moment now.”

  The screen filled with a dense checkerboard full of hundreds different cat videos. “Is that it?” Meow yawned, looking at his Feline attendants. “What is that, eight or nine antics?”

  The first video started to play. A tiny kitten, strikingly similar to Meow as a first lifer, romped and played joyfully with a toy.

  “Oh my, that kitten is quite striking!” Meow purred.

  A second video played and showed a litter of kittens frolicking and tackling each other.

  “Why, this reminds me of my own litter,” Meow said softly, his eyes growing moist. “I understand. These are truly devotional.”

  “Truly,” Pants repeated. “As for your question, the total number of devotional recordings is so great, you could spend every moment of your nine lives watching and not view them all.”

  Pants wanted to exaggerate but had to keep his examples to single digits. “Even nine Felines couldn’t view them all. In fact”—Pants paused—“I just checked, and while we were speaking, nine more of these screens filled up!”

  “Awwwww!” Meow purred, no longer listening to Pants, eyes glued to the scene of a mother cleaning her kittens. “I could watch these all day.”

  Without warning, the screen went blank. Meow sprung up in surprise. “Hey! Put them back!”

  “Unfortunately, I can’t. My time is running out, and I have more to tell you. Don’t worry, I can give you unlimited access to the Devotional Antics while you visit Earth. But first, we need to deal with the Binars.”

  “Ughhh!” Meow groaned. “What do you mean?”

  “I have a plan that will deal with the Binars quickly and easily so we can focus on you.” Pants went on to describe a plan that mirrored what he had promised SLAYAR. “We will lure him down and capture him, neutralizing the Binar threat. You will receive the engine and your glorious new form and return to Felinus victorious! All hail Meow, the fearless leader that brought the Binars down once and for all and brought a new era of prosperity to your subjects.”

  Meow was surprised that the Furless had the capacity for such an advanced form of thinking. “I do believe SLAYAR would fall for this ruse.”

  Above all, Meow was a lazy ruler, and he loved a plan that required the least amount of work. “Let it be so! I appoint you my official Earth servant. Fulfill your duties as you just described them, and I will cooperate.”

  “A wise decision, Chairman,” Pants said. “See you on Earth.”

  27

  Pants Pulls Up

  “I ordered pizza!” Javi announced. “One cheese with extra sauce, one cheese with light sauce, and a veggie and pineapple.” It was dinnertime at the Wengrods, but like the past few days, nobody had time to cook.

  “Yessss,” Min said inside the lab. “I’m starving.”

  “Me too,” said Portillo. Elmer sat on the table with his panels open, the prototype Infinity Engine visible inside. She examined a circuit board that was wired between the engine and Elmer’s main processor.

  “Making Extreme Elmer is hungry work.” She winked at Min and probed the connections inside Elmer.

  Min nodded.

  “Interface looks good,” Portillo said, and closed Elmer’s panels.

  Min looked at Elmer and smiled. He still looked like a Frankenstein’s Robot, a patchwork of parts, but now the parts had NASA stamped on them. Min pulled up a checklist on the computer. “New joints and motors, check. Upgraded CPU and memory, check.” She looked at the nearby shelf. “Test attachments, check.” She ran through the list: check, check, check.

  “Ready to turn him on?” Portillo asked.

  Min scrunched up her face and thought hard. She did not want to make any mistakes and embarrass herself. “You double-checked the power regulator? We don’t want to blow out all this new stuff, right?”

  Portillo nodded. “Triple-checked.”

  “Okay, let’s do it,” Min said. She stood up and called up Elmer’s software on her phone, when she heard a loud, urgent knocking from the front door.

  BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!

  “Food!” they said simultaneously.

  “One sec, Elmer,” Min said over her shoulder, already out the door to the living room.

  Javi stood up, looking a little confused. “That was fast.”

  A second round of pounding came from the door.

  BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!

  Min ran to the door to answer it. “Sheesh, we can hear, rela . . .” She swung open the door and looked up, stunned. “You’re . . .” Her eyes went wide.

  Standing in the doorway, the vice president of the United States gave his Winning Smile™. Secret Service agents stood to either side and behind him, scanning the area.

  Min looked at them, confused. “So . . . do you . . . do you have our pizza?”

  Pants raised an eyebrow but kept smiling. After an awkward moment, Pants looked behind Min, searching for an adult. “May I come in, little girl?”

  “Uhhh.” Min froze and had no idea how to answer the question. Does this count as a stranger? She turned around and exchanged a shrug with Javi.

  Mom and Dad heard from the kitchen and hurried to the door. “Of course, please come in, Mr. Vice President. Have a seat, we’re about to have a pizza dinner,” Mom said, not sure how to properly greet a vice president.

  “You’re very kind, but I can’t stay long,” Pants said as he stepped inside, followed by his agents. “I had an important message—well, a request, actually. The nature of which is so sensitive that I wanted to deliver it personally. This is the only way I could securely contact you.”

  Pants turned to the Secret Service agents. “You can wait for me outside. I’ll be out in five minutes.” They looked over the room a final time and walked out onto the porch. The door slammed behind them.

  Min was watching Pants carefully. She didn’t know why, but she didn’t trust him. She started to tense up and realized she was afraid he would do something to Elmer. She slowly stepped back toward the lab, almost tripping on Stu.

  “Now that we’re alone,” Pants said, “I can speak freely. I know what you’ve been up to here.”

  “Ordering pizza?” Portillo offered, innocent.

  “Ah, Ms. Portillo.” Pants smiled and nodded. “A pleasure to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you.”

  “I’m sure you have,” she muttered.

  Min positioned herself in front of the door to the lab, praying that Pants wouldn’t come that way. She folded her arms and tried to look as tough as she possibly could. Fortunately, Pants was busy with the grown-ups.

  “And the Drs. Wengrod. Brilliant, engineer and designer, quite the dynamic duo, although rather reclusive.” Pants nodded to Mom and Dad.

  Dad nodded back, as confused as everyone else as to what was happening—and whether what
Pants just said was a compliment or a slam.

  “Let me be direct with you,” Pants said, stepping forward into the living room. “I know about the Singularity Chip. I know about Obi, Pounce, Beeps, the Felines, and the Binars.” He paused to let that sink in, but nobody knew what to say, so he continued. “I also know about the Infinity Engine.”

  Min grew stiff. He knows. He’s going to take Elmer. Her heart raced, but she stood her ground.

  “What? I thought it was secret?” Max blurted out to his parents.

  “It’s okay, Max,” Mom said with a quick not now look.

  “I am also aware that the Binars and Felines have both launched their fleets and are headed to Earth, both intent on obtaining the engine for themselves, prepared to use force if necessary.” Pants took another step closer to Min and looked at Portillo. “Serious stuff. Apocalyptic, even. You didn’t think the government should know about it? Give us time to prepare for an invasion by two warring alien species?”

  “Well, when you put it that way,” Portillo said, “I guess we could have said something.”

  “You should have,” Pants said, eyebrow raised. “Your work has endangered not only yourselves, but everyone on Earth!”

  “We were trying to help everyone!” Min said, angry and a little embarrassed. “Right?” She looked at Portillo, who nodded. “Go, girl,” she said with a wink.

  Pants turned to look at Min, then at the door behind her. Min felt like she couldn’t breathe. She took a step backward, and her foot came down on Stu’s tail.

  RREEEEOOOOOOOOOOW!

  Stu wailed and jumped into the air. Min got a face full of cat hair and started sneezing. She saw Pants recoil and had an idea. She stepped closer to him and threw in a few extra fake sneezes, loud and snotty, directed at Pants.

  Pants stepped back. He didn’t like animals, or children for that matter, especially the yowling, snotty, sneezing kind.

  Dad stepped up before things got out of hand. “Mr. Vice President, we understand your point. You’re here now. What do you want from us?”