To Have and to Hold

by Jane Green

“But luckily you’re just my friend. Here.” And he hands the joint back to Alice.

  They sit in companionable silence for a while, Alice sinking into the velvety blackness of the night, experiencing every woodland noise as if for the first time.

  “God, this is amazing,” she keeps repeating, while Harry simply smiles.

  “I can’t see anything,” she says, a smile stretched wide upon her face, the fact that they are both sitting in pitch blackness suddenly having struck her as very funny.

  “Your eyes will get accustomed to it,” Harry says. “I bet you could find your way around the garden.”

  “Bet you I couldn’t,” Alice says.

  “Go on then. I bet you fifty dollars you could.”

  “Done.” Alice stands up unsteadily and starts weaving off, giggling.

  “One circle of the garden,” Harry shouts as he starts to giggle as well. “I’ll wait here and shout if you need help.”

  “What if I come across a coyote?” Alice yelps with laughter from some feet away.

  “Shake his paw and say how do you do,” Harry shouts back, and the pair of them, in their own pools of respective blackness, collapse in fits of giggles.

  “Have you seen my wife?” Joe has had long chats with Sandy and Tim, Tom and James, and a few of Alice’s new friends, when it suddenly occurs to him that he hasn’t seen Alice for a while and it’s very nearly midnight, the start of the new year.

  “Alice?” He walks into the dining room to find a crowd of people descending on the food, Emily at the far end, plate piled high with fresh salmon, rare filet mignon, and wild rice salad.

  “Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.” Joe pushes his way through everyone surrounding the table helping themselves and reaches Emily at the far end, about to sit down on one of the chairs next to James to eat dinner.

  “Emily, have you seen Alice?”

  “Nope. Last time I saw her Sally was giving her the guided tour of the house.”

  “Oh. Okay. Thanks.” Maybe, Joe thinks, she’s still upstairs looking around. He pushes his way back out of the dining room and walks up the stairs, slowly pushing open all the bedroom doors, save of course for the one with a large enamel plaque on it with the words “Madison’s Room” emblazoned across it.

  Bathroom: empty. Guest bedroom: empty. Master bedroom: empty. Other guest bedroom: Joe pushes open the door as Kay jumps. She’s standing in front of the mirrored wardrobe door, reapplying lipstick, and she gives him a slow smile.

  “Nearly done,” she says, pouting in the mirror, fully aware that Joe cannot take his eyes off her.

  Joe stands there watching her, looking at her thighs, that fantastic tight ass. Shit. He made a vow to himself. But he’s been so good. He’s been faithful for months. And this wouldn’t mean anything. Jesus, it would just be satisfying an itch. Alice would never know, has never found out in the past. And Christ, look at her. Look at how she’s pouting, imagine what she’d be like in bed, those firm thighs wrapped around his waist.

  Joe takes a deep breath and shuts the door behind him, standing still as he watches Kay. She finishes her lipstick, snaps her bag shut, and turns to look at him.

  “Well?” she says softly. “How do I look?”

  “If I said you looked good enough to eat, would you believe me?” Joe says, already beginning to harden at the prospect of sex with this woman.

  Kay simply smiles as she prepares to leave the room, but Joe stops her with a hand on her arm.

  “Kay,” he whispers, and she stands still, slowly turning to look at him. “Kay,” he says again, raising his hand to trace her lips with his index finger. Kay moans softly and closes her eyes, parts her lips slowly as Joe slides his finger between them to feel the wet warmth of her mouth. He groans as she circles his finger with her tongue, and then his arms are around her and they are kissing passionately, furiously.

  “Oh God,” Joe groans, pulling her with him as they fall onto the bed. He is absolutely consumed with lust, all thought, all reason having disappeared, the only thought on his mind is being inside this woman.

  They roll on the bed, both of them moaning, and Joe reaches under her shirt to unsnap her bra as Kay pulls abruptly away.

  “No!” she says, sitting up and pushing him away. “We can’t.”

  “What? What do you mean we can’t?”

  “We shouldn’t be doing this,” she says miserably.

  “Kay, of course we shouldn’t be doing this, but you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met. I think about you all the time. I know we shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t help it, I want you so much.”

  “I want you too,” she says, “but we’re married.”

  There’s a long silence. “They wouldn’t ever have to find out,” Joe says, reaching for her again.

  “No!” she says, standing up quickly and smoothing down her skirt. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  “You’re serious, aren’t you?” Joe’s erection has disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

  Kay nods, embarrassed.

  “But you’ve been giving me the come-on for months. All that flirting, all those comments. Where did you think it would lead, for Christ’s sake?”

  Kay shrugs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything, I was just, I don’t know. I guess I was just enjoying the attention.”

  Joe shakes his head in disgust. “You are just a prick tease after all, aren’t you?”

  “I would appreciate you not using that kind of language in front of me,” Kay says primly, turning the door handle and walking out.

  “God almighty,” Joe mutters under his breath. “What a fucking tease.” After a few minutes he sighs and rejoins the party. And more to the point, he still hasn’t found his bloody wife.

  “Help!” Alice stumbles into a pit in the grass and falls down laughing. The more she laughs the funnier it seems, and she becomes absolutely hysterical as she lies on the grass shaking.

  “Where are you?” Harry, giggling himself, is stumbling through the darkness toward her, and suddenly he trips over her ankle and falls flat on his face.

  “Are you okay?” Alice manages through her heaves. Harry reaches out until he can feel where she is and lies on the ground next to her, the pair of them almost apoplectic with laughter.

  “Oh God,” Harry sighs when they finally manage to calm down. “That is good stuff.”

  “That really is good stuff.” Alice sighs, smiling up at the stars. “Isn’t this a beautiful night? Look at the stars.”

  Harry lies back and rests his head on his arms. “There’s the Milky Way,” he says.

  “Where? I can’t see it.”

  “Look, there.” He takes her hand and points it up to the Milky Way so she can see.

  Alice gasps. “It’s beautiful.” They lie there looking up at the stars, in silence, holding hands.

  The only sound Alice can hear is their breathing, the only thing she can see is the stars, and the only feeling she is aware of is her fingers entwined with Harry’s and Harry’s thumb slowly rubbing up and down on her skin.

  They lie there for what feels like hours, both gently stroking the other’s hands, neither of them able to think of anything other than how wonderful it is to lie here, outside, holding hands. And then, at exactly the same time, they both roll onto their sides and their lips meet.

  And so they kiss. For a long, long time.

  “Alice?” It’s a familiar voice, from far, far away, too far to bring them back, too vague to take notice of. Suddenly the garden is flooded with light as the outside lights are switched on. Alice and Harry pull apart, and the only thing they are subsequently aware of is Emily’s hand flying up to her mouth as she turns from the doorway and runs back into the house with a sob.

  23

  “Joe. Drive me home.”

  “What?” Joe is helping himself to a Scotch and doing his best to avoid Kay. He walks into the dining room, she walks out. She walks into the kitchen, he walks out. Right n
ow the living room is out of bounds, and Joe is pouring himself a stiff single malt to soothe the pain of rejection. He turns to see Emily, her face ashen and her coat on, standing behind him.

  “What are you talking about? Where are the others?”

  “I don’t know but I don’t feel well. I think I’m going to be sick.”

  “Oh God, Emily, I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to lie down here? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”

  “No. I want to go back.” She sighs impatiently and lies, “Joe, I have medicine back at the house that I need. Please just drop me off, then you can come back.”

  “Okay. Hang on. God knows where Alice is. Let me just tell Sally where we’re going.”

  “Fine. Give me the keys. I’ll wait in the car.”

  Emily would never normally dream of leaving a party without thanking the hostess, but this isn’t any old party, and she can’t be expected to behave as she normally would. She sits in the passenger seat of the car, shivering, cold and numb with shock. If you had told Emily that she would catch her best friend and her boyfriend locked in a passionate kiss, she would have said that it was impossible, it would never happen.

  If you had persisted, she would have said that she would go nuts.

  She would have said that she would stand there and scream at them. Ask them what the fuck they think they’re doing. Slap Harry round the face. Hell, she might even slap Alice while she’s at it.

  And yet here she is, sitting shivering in a car, unable to do anything, feeling completely numb. Even though she saw it with her own eyes, she still can’t quite believe it actually happened, and she sits replaying the scene like a film, wondering whether or not it might have been a bad dream.

  But no. They might have been far away, but no one could have mistaken what they were doing. Emily saw, even in that split second before they pulled apart, how Harry was on top of Alice, his eyes closed, his hands entwined in her hair as he kissed her. Emily saw Alice running her hands up Harry’s strong back, the back Emily knows so well, and Emily suppresses a sob that starts to rise in her throat.

  No. She will not cry in front of anyone. She will not cry in front of Joe. She just needs to get away from everyone. Needs to get away from Harry and Alice.

  “Joe? Where are you going?” Alice’s heart jumps into her mouth as she runs back in to find Emily and sees Joe with his coat on, car keys in hand.

  “Where’ve you been?”

  Alice just looks at him. Could Emily have told him already? Is he testing her? She stands still and eventually shrugs. “In the garden.”

  “But it’s freezing!” Joe laughs, and Alice relaxes slightly. He doesn’t know. But oh God. Emily. Her best friend. She’d rather die than hurt Emily, and she has no idea what just happened outside. She only knows she now feels sick, and sorry, and lost.

  “Where are you going?” Alice says. “Where’s Emily?”

  “She’s not feeling well,” Joe says over his shoulder as he walks toward the door. “I’m just going to run her home.”

  “Wait! I’ll come too.” Alice runs toward him but Joe shakes his head.

  “Don’t worry about her. She’s fine. Just needs to get some kind of medicine she left at home. You and Harry stay. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “No . . . wait . . .” But Joe has already disappeared out of the front door.

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay? You don’t look at all well.” Joe opens the front door of their house then turns to look at Emily with concern, as Emily manages to force a smile.

  “I think maybe it’s just jet lag and exhaustion catching up with me. I’m sure I’ll feel better once I lie down.”

  “You sure you don’t mind if I go back and leave you alone?”

  Oh God. Alone. She’s alone again. Emily turns away so Joe doesn’t see the stricken look on her face and she nods, not trusting herself to speak.

  “Okay. See you tomorrow. Wish you better.” And Joe closes the door gently behind him and heads back to the party.

  “Shit.” Harry says again. For the umpteenth time.

  “What are we going to do?” Alice and Harry are standing miserably in the corner of the kitchen. The alcohol consumed by everyone else here seems to be taking effect. Chris has swapped Frank Sinatra for pumping pop, the lights, already darkened, have been darkened even more, and the living room has now become a dance floor with various couples letting their hair down.

  “Harry, I feel sick. I don’t know what happened out there.” Alice, now completely sober, completely lost, is mystified at the kiss and distraught at the look on Emily’s face, at how much she knows she has hurt Emily. “I mean, nothing happened. It was nothing!” She says it vehemently, perhaps trying to convince herself, and then in a small voice she looks at Harry helplessly. “I don’t know what to do.”

  Harry stays silent. He knows what happened out there. He may have been stoned, but every time he looks at Alice he wants to take her in his arms and hold her.

  He never felt this when he knew her in London. Sure, he liked her, and yes, of course he thought she was attractive, but he knew they were worlds apart, and women like Alice were simply not his cup of tea.

  Plus of course he was happy with Emily, too happy even to think about other women. But as the months have gone by he’s found that his relationship with Emily is making him less and less happy, that they seem to be less and less compatible.

  At first he was worried by Emily’s increasing apathy toward him, but her distance and moodiness have made him realize that she’s not the woman with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life, and he’s well aware that it’s laziness and habit that are keeping them together.

  Part of him hasn’t wanted to admit the relationship hasn’t been working. And much like Emily, he had viewed this holiday as a last-ditch attempt, a make-or-break. But nothing had prepared him for seeing Alice again. From the moment he first laid eyes on her in America he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her.

  He has never realized before how funny she is. How self-deprecating she is able to be. How she doesn’t seem to take anything too seriously. But mostly he has been watching her in the house, playing with Snoop, preparing breakfast in the kitchen, and the more he has watched, the more beautiful he finds her.

  Just as he said the other day, she does have a glow. It makes him want to follow her around, bask in the happiness she radiates. And Joe seems to be completely unaware of her. Harry can see that he treats her as a trophy wife, is happy to be affectionate to her in public, to show her off at parties like this one tonight, but he barely pays any attention to her.

  Christ, he’s barely paid any attention to any of them. In spite of having guests in his house, Joe has spent most of the time stuck in front of his computer while Alice has done everything.

  And until tonight Harry hasn’t realized quite how hard he’s fallen. He had thought perhaps he just liked her very much, appreciated her as a friend, even though he found himself lying in bed after Emily had fallen asleep replaying things that Alice had said throughout the day, things that had made him laugh.

  Tonight, when he went outside for a smoke and found that Alice was already sitting on the bench, his heart leapt, and he knew then that his feelings were real, that he wasn’t merely attempting to get on with his girlfriend’s best friend.

  But even he had been unprepared for what happened. Could anything possibly be more complicated or more difficult, or more out of bounds?

  He had been thrilled to find Alice on the bench, but had never expected, never dreamed, that anything might happen between them.

  And then, lying next to her on the grass, he couldn’t help but keep hold of her hand, and when she had responded by gently stroking his fingers with her own, he had known that there would be no going back. Not for him at any rate.

  But here she is now, less than fifteen minutes later, telling him it was nothing. Harry feels like everything he has ever wanted, everything he has ever known would make him ha
ppy in life, is about to slip out of his grasp, and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to put his arms around her and tell her that it’s going to be okay. That as long as they are together nothing else matters.

  But of course he doesn’t say that. He simply looks at her as she tells him it was nothing. It meant nothing.

  “What are we going to do?” Alice says again. “Should we go home?”

  “I think I should talk to her first,” Harry says. “I’ll explain. Tell her we were stoned and drunk and it was just one kiss and it really didn’t mean anything.”

  “No. I should be the one to say that.”

  Harry shrugs. At this point he really couldn’t care less. All he can think is that Alice thinks it meant nothing.

  “Or should I? I just don’t know. Oh, shit. Do you think she’ll tell Joe?”

  Harry shakes his head. He’d love for Emily to tell Joe, for Joe and Alice to split up to give him and Alice a chance, but that is the stuff of fantasy, and he knows that isn’t going to happen. “No. It’s not Emily’s style, and you know her far better than I, Alice. She won’t tell him.”

  “No.” Alice sighs with relief. “You’re probably right. She won’t. Oh God, Harry. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be silly,” Harry says. “You haven’t got anything to apologize for. If anything I should be the one saying sorry.”

  “No. You haven’t got anything to apologize for. It just happened.”

  “Yes,” Harry nods, forcing a smile. “It meant nothing.”

  “Exactly. Nothing.”

  Joe walks back into the party, almost colliding with Kay, and he turns in the direction of the kitchen, wishing he could have stayed at home. Bloody awful parochial party, he thinks, pausing to watch the people try to rediscover their younger, funkier selves in the living room/disco.

  “There you two are,” Joe says, seeing Alice and Harry in the corner of the kitchen.

  “How’s Emily?” they both say in unison.

  “She doesn’t look too good but she thinks it’s probably just exhaustion. I think she’s going to bed.”