Auburn: Outcasts and Underdogs

by Valerie Thomas

  Chapter 26

  Charlie took me out to a nice lunch the Saturday after that talent show. There was only one week until Finals, and in a way I think he wanted to celebrate; celebrate our growing success, celebrate our friendship, but above all, celebrate the fact that we’d survived a second year of high school.

  He had a new car, or at least a car that was new to him. The red SUV his dad had gotten a while back, which had somehow managed to pick up more dings and dents than I could keep track of. When Charlie told me he’d learned to drive with that car, I braced myself for the worst, but he actually wasn’t bad. Certainly not nearly as bad as Joey.

  We went to a small burger joint, the kind named after the owner, and ended up at one of the laced-metal tables outside, sitting under the hot sun. The day was so warm that I was already starting to sweat after five minutes. “So…” I said.

  “So?” Charlie asked, a playful grin on his face. He was wearing a dark gray shirt that had to be collecting a disproportionate amount of the day’s heat.

  “I don’t know, I guess I’m wondering why you wanted to bail Jessica out.”

  He shrugged, like he didn’t quite know the answer himself. “It’s what any good person would have done. No one wants to fail in front of a bunch of their friends, right?”

  “Yeah, but it was Jessica. She deserved it, didn’t she?” In my mind, she certainly did. And so much more, too. She deserved the kind of pain she’d given me, so deep that she didn’t even want to get out of bed in the morning. If she’d arrived at the Jaded phase, I could empathize with her, but she had a long way to go before I would feel like her punishment was fair.

  Charlie’s brow wrinkled. “For me, it was about being good people. We aren’t responsible for deciding what Jessica deserves. All we’re responsible for is ourselves, and I feel better about myself because of what we did. We didn’t stoop to her level, even though we could have.”

  I took a moment to consider his words. I couldn’t help thinking that it was easier for him than me, since he’d never experienced the full brunt of Jessica’s cruelty. He’d been a bystander—a sympathetic, kind bystander, but a bystander nonetheless. “I think I get what you’re saying, but… I don’t know. It wasn’t about deciding what she deserves. Well, maybe on some level it was. But in my mind, we wouldn’t have been doing anything wrong if we didn’t save her.”

  “Hmm…” He pursed his lips. “So you mean to tell me that choosing to sing Jaded after you found out that she was going to perform it had nothing to do with her?”

  “No, I’m not saying that. But it wasn’t like I went on Facebook and made a page to bully her. It wasn’t like I told her she should kill herself. Look, the reason I chose to sing Jaded was because it felt like she was trying to tear that away from me. It seemed like she wanted to steal the last thing I had left—like she was trying to hurt me in a way no one else would even notice.”

  Charlie reached out, touching my wrist with a sympathetic expression. “I get that. I don’t think that’s why Jessica chose our song, though. On some level, I think she honestly relates to it. I mean, you noticed that she stopped hanging out with Maya, right? Or Maya stopped hanging out with her, or however that happened. She lost at least one friend, and I’ve heard other rumors too.”

  “What rumors?” I couldn’t help asking.

  “Rumors about why she was suspended, and why she seemed so different when she came back. It seems like no one realizes it was because of that Loser McGee page...” He sighed, as if he actually felt sorry for her. “One of the worst ones I heard was some guy bragging that the principal had caught them going at it in an empty classroom.”

  I laughed. “Seems fair to me. She was the one who started calling other people skanks, after all.”

  “Ash, you weren’t the only one she was mean to. And I’m not denying that she was mean, but we both know how much it sucks to have people talking about you when you can’t defend yourself.” He paused, watching me for a response.

  For a while, I wasn’t sure what to say. He was trying to convince me to sympathize with Jessica, when I didn’t want to do anything but hate her. He might have had a point, but it was hard to agree with.

  As long as I held onto my anger, I couldn’t move past it. That was true. As long as I held onto my anger, I would be jaded and hostile and just as bad as Jessica. But moving past it didn’t mean forgiving her. Certainly not the way Charlie was advising. “I didn’t know you were such a Christian,” I said, trying to play it off as a joke.

  “A Christian?” Charlie cocked his head. “How so?”

  “Turning the other cheek. That’s what you’re telling me to do, isn’t it?” When I’d been younger, I’d thought that was a singularly stupid idea. Turning the other cheek was just a sure way to get slapped again.

  “If you want to call it that,” Charlie said. “Like I said, I call it being a good person. It’s important that we learn from what Jessica did, and grow from it if we can.”

  I exhaled slowly. Willingly or not, Jessica’s actions had made me stronger. The memory of standing up to her on the bus stood out in my mind, in stark contrast to the defeat I’d felt after our confrontation in the locker room, and after finding out about Loser McGee. She’d made me so miserable, made my life impossible to bear, and because of that I’d been forced to change until I became the sort of person who could bear it.

  The torture she’d put me through had forged me into a better person. I didn’t owe her for that, though. “I’ll never be friends with Jessica,” I said, “And I’ll never forgive her for what she did. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t grow from it. When it comes to anyone else, I can still be a good person. Maybe even a better person, because of everything that happened. Forgiving Jessica, though… That would just be too much of a betrayal.”

  “A betrayal?”

  “Yeah. If I could rewind the clock a year and talk to my old self, she would hate the way we saved her. That’s the person I’m betraying. Just like I had to stand up for myself back then, I have to stand up for myself now. My suffering meant something, and by forgiving her I’d be letting her off the hook. I’d be saying it didn’t mean anything.”

  Charlie pursed his lips, as if he was bracing himself for a full-on argument. “Okay, look at it this way: what would a perfect person do? She’d forgive Jessica, right?”

  “No, she wouldn’t.” I closed my eyes; like Charlie, I could tell we were about to get in a fight. “Honestly, I don’t know what a perfect person would do. I don’t think she’d trivialize what she went through, though… Maybe we should just drop this, since I don’t think we’re going to agree.”

  “Yeah, me either.” He shook his head. “We’ll talk about it later, once you’ve had more time to think.” The way he said that made me roll my eyes.

  It was clear that he thought I was in the wrong, that he thought I just needed a little more perspective. Like when we’d argued about his grandpa; he wouldn’t let up until he had his way. I wasn’t about to deny that there was a grain of wisdom in what he was saying, some small grain of truth. But there was my truth… And then there was Charlie’s.

  My truth was that it wasn’t wrong to remember the ways someone had hurt me. Forgiveness in the case of Jessica just seemed naïve. When I didn’t say anything, Charlie shook his head. “Just think about it, Ash.”

  I already have, I thought. But I can’t make a decision either way. In a way, I felt as if I was making a decision about whether I wanted to stay with Charlie or not. At some point, I had to figure out whether I was okay with bowing to his opinion on everything. That was the only way the argument would get resolved, just like our disagreement over his grandpa. If I didn’t agree with him, he’d find ways to bring it up.

  The decision of whether to stay with him was so much harder than figuring out how to treat Jessica. Charlie had been there for me; he’d been my sounding board, my confidant, my only friend at a time when friends had been more precious to me than all the gold in
the world. Jessica had made me a stronger person, but I didn’t know if I was strong enough to let Charlie go.

  Whoa, you made it through the whole book! Congratulations!

  If you enjoyed Auburn: Outcasts and Underdogs, please be sure to leave a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or anywhere else (shouting from a rooftop works too). You can also tweet me @vtothetom.

  The second novel of this series, Auburn: Lost Causes and Bad Investments, is currently available on Amazon. If you liked Outcasts and Underdogs, please pick up a copy!

  Song Lyrics

  Add One More

  To one pain we add another

  When you’re hurting like no other

  Sometimes you just can’t take it in stride

  If you can’t stand, you hopeless sufferer

  To one trial, here take another

  Don’t collapse until the day you survive

  And maybe you’ll find

  No not happiness

  But just a little less sadness

  Just a little less pain to deny

  Not satisfaction

  But perhaps just some compassion

  Something you won’t have to keep inside

  Maybe one day you’ll survive

  To your sorrows, add one more

  When you feel like death’s door

  Is coming close at your own hand

  Maybe you’ll remember

  That this isn’t our December

  The end doesn’t have to come as planned

  So go on, give me more

  ‘Till I’m falling to the floor

  ‘Till I beg for mercy, make me scream

  Because life can be a chore

  And the worst afflicted

  Are those who never add one more

  So add one more

  (Add one more)

  Sing it with me now

  (‘Cause life’s a chore)

  And we’ll find out how

  This life will continue on

  (Add another)

  Cling to it tight

  (Don’t go under)

  Stay with me tonight

  Until we see the break of dawn

  Just add one more

  Early Flight

  First Verse

  He took the early flight home

  Packed his bags and said “I’ve gotta go”

  Kissed me on both cheeks

  Said goodbye to everyone

  Told me our time together was just about done

  ‘Cause he took the early flight home

  All the love that we shared

  The times that we cried

  The times that we laughed

  I still had to say goodbye

  They fit neatly in his suitcase

  Next to pictures of his wife

  I love him forever

  But he left us last night

  Chorus

  Yeah, he took the early flight home

  Who could tell him he was wrong?

  He took the early flight home

  And now that he’s gone

  That early flight

  Is movin’ on

  Second Verse

  He used to put on red pajamas

  Tell me he was Santa Claus

  He made such a silly ruckus

  Stumbling halfway down the stairs

  I never told him that I knew

  I never wondered if he cared

  Do you think he used that old knapsack

  When he boarded his plane?

  Do you think that he looked back

  Wished he could turn back again?

  I love him forever

  I’d give anything to see

  Santa stumbling down the stairs

  Just one more time for me

  Chorus

  Yeah, he took the early flight home

  Who could tell him he was wrong?

  He took the early flight home

  And now that he’s gone

  That early flight

  Is movin’ on

  Finale

  All the love that we shared

  The times that we cried

  The times that we laughed

  I still had to say goodbye

  I love you old man

  You silly, clumsy old man

  I love you forever

  But you left me last night

  I hope your early flight

  (laugh, whisper) Well, I hope your early flight made it in just fine

  Jaded

  First verse

  Feeling lost

  Twisted and confused

  Abused like a puppet

  Caught up in a winter tempest

  I’m feeling like a kite

  Torn up by the wind

  My colors once so bright

  Now I just can’t stand…

  Chorus

  One, two, three

  Do you see

  What you’ve done to me?

  And can you hear

  My whining plea?

  Oh, please just let me be.

  Let me be.

  Second verse

  Feeling hated

  Rejected and affected

  By all of the cold shoulders

  By all of your hostile stares

  Where once I was a kite

  Now I can no longer fly

  I’m stuck here on the ground

  And I just keep falling down

  Chorus

  One, two, three

  Do you see

  What you’ve done to me?

  And can you hear

  My whining plea?

  Oh, please just let me be.

  Let me be.

  Finale

  I want this feeling to end

  Please mend my broken colors

  And let me sing again.

  Hear my plea

  And let me be

  Oh, don’t make me feel lost

  And don’t make me feel hated

  The sadness will pass

  Don’t leave me feeling

  Jaded.

  Head over Heels

  Intro

  When we walk together

  It feels like the world falls away

  And when we talk forever

  It seems like life will never change

  I’m falling fast

  And falling hard

  Falling head over heels for you

  Chorus

  (Head over heels)

  How can I describe it?

  (Head over heels)

  I cannot deny this

  Feeling inside

  It’s like I’m finally alive

  And tumbling

  Falling head over heels

  For you

  First Verse

  If the song plays soft

  When the time is right

  If you love me fast

  I’ll fall hard tonight

  You feel like a world

  I’ve never known

  And when you speak to me

  It’s like coming home

  So just let me fall

  Into your arms now

  Just let me fall

  Let’s both tumble down

  Chorus

  (Head over heels)

  How can I describe it?

  (Head over heels)

  I cannot deny this

  Feeling inside

  It’s like I’m finally alive

  And tumbling

  Falling head over heels

  For you

  Second Verse

  If you love me back

  Please just let me know

  ‘Cause I’ve tumbled too far

  To let you go

  And we’ll hold hands

  Play our silly songs

  We’ll keep falling hard

  And they’ll sing along

  Final Chorus

  (Head over heels)

  How can I describe it?

  (Head over heels)

  I cannot deny this
/>   Feeling inside

  It’s like I’m finally alive

  And tumbling

  Falling head over heels

  For you

  Plastic Hearts

  Intro

  There are people

  Who they say

  Never have to feel this way

  There are people

  Not like us

  Who’ve never felt our bare disgust

  With plastic hearts

  And hollow love

  They send on judgment from above

  They don’t see us

  Or hear our pleas

  They only send us to our knees

  Their plastic hearts cause only pain

  Their plastic hearts go out in vain

  Chorus

  Plastic hearts, warped and twisted

  Plastic hearts by the side of the road

  Plastic hearts grew cold and sick as

  They never learned to

  No, they never wanted

  To let us sho-ow them how to love

  Second Verse

  They are broken

  Cracked and bruised

  They always knew

  Just how to use

  Our own feelings

  For their own gain

  Plastic is never flesh again

  But my love is real

  Plastic can’t touch me

  Give me something I can feel

  Now, give me something I can see

  Whoa-oh

  I can show you how to live

  If you just come with me

  Your plastic heart can break

  Let me show you how to bleed

  Chorus

  Plastic hearts, warped and twisted

  Plastic hearts by the side of the road

  Plastic hearts grew cold and sick as

  They never learned to

  No, they never wanted

  To let us sho-ow them how to love

  Finale

  Your hearts, warped and twisted

  I will leave by the side of the road

  When your heart grows cold and sick just

  Remember that I offered to show

  You how to live

  And how to love

  You could’ve bled with me

  But now your heart, it beats in time

  And you’ll never learn to bleed

  No, you’ll never bleed

  Starstruck Lullaby

  Intro

  I stayed awake last night

  Counting stars to the flicker in your eyes

  Living dreams in my own head

  Fantasies better left unsaid

  They say the future’s full of snow

  And lord knows I’ve felt the bitter cold

  Chorus

  This is a star,

  Struck lullaby

  Sing it up to the life that passed me by

  Never good and never great

  I keep trying anyway

  And nights’ll be warmer

  Faces kinder

  In that life we can’t deny

  (Starstruck lullaby)

  ‘Cause it won’t pass me by

  (Starstruck Lullaby)

  Pass me by,

  Tonight

  First Verse

  I built up my dreams

  Poured out my hopes

  And what did it ever get me?

  A life of has beens

  A life of sorrow

  A life of looking for what could be

  These shooting stars

  Are passing planes

  Coming overhead

  Tell me, are we past these silly games

  Past fantasies we left for dead?

  Chorus

  This is a star,

  Struck lullaby

  Sing it up to the life that passed me by

  Never good and never great

  I keep trying anyway

  And nights’ll be warmer

  Faces kinder

  In that life we can’t deny

  (Starstruck lullaby)

  ‘Cause it won’t pass me by

  (Starstruck Lullaby)

  Pass me by,

  Tonight

  Finale

  Pass me by,

  Whoa pass me by,

  In this starstruck lullaby,

  Just pass me by tonight