by Kenneth Wise
Chapter 11
Mr. Philips picked the boys up on a Thursday to take them back to The Center. They made small talk and thanked the hospital staff and then rode the elevator to the ground floor in silence. Philips had parked at the front door to the hospital so they just had a few steps to get in and be on their way. Mr. Philips was quiet, wanting one of the boys to start a conversation and letting it go in whatever direction they chose.
Andrew was first, after they had driven a couple of blocks. “Are we going back to The Hill now or will we be locked up somewhere until we are taken there?” Philips was stunned. Of all the questions he could have imagined; this was not one. “Is that what you guys think; that you are going back to The Hill?”
Steven answered, “Hell yes, what else would you do with a couple of screw ups? We are too young for the regular prison system.”
Gaining a bit of his composure, Philips chuckled. “First thing; you are not a couple of screw ups. And you are not going back to The Hill. You are going back to your pod where everyone is anxious to see the two of you.”
Now it was the boys who were stunned. Not knowing what else to say, Steven kind of grunted, “oh.”
Andrew finally asked, “Will we be on some kind of detention somewhere off the pod?”
“Not at all guys; you are just going home from the hospital after being injured in an accident, because this is your home and we all are your family.”
Again the boys were silent; Andrew looked at Steven, who just shrugged his shoulders. Neither was used to this kind of treatment, no lectures, no punishment, and no return to The Hill. They had a lot to think about.
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were pretty uneventful but right after breakfast on Monday, Steven was summoned to Dr. Ledderman’s office. Steven felt that facing the doc was going to be one of the hardest things he had done in his life. He found the door open and entered to find his doctor friend standing near his desk. He reached out his humongous hand to shake Steven’s. From that moment on, Steven felt like things would, somehow, work out all right.
Dr. Ledderman shook hands with Steven and with his left hand held his shoulder in one of those symbols of bonding that one only understands as it occurs. The doctor motioned Steven to sit in his regular seat and he took his own and they were ready to begin where they left off a week ago. By all appearances, nothing had changed but deep inside Steven knew everything had changed; the world was now, somehow, different.
Dr. Ledderman tried to start the session, one that would prove to be long and tense, but Steven interrupted him.
“I heard”, Steven said, “that you stayed in the room with Andrew and me the whole time we were unconscious.”
Ledderman looked directly at Steven but said nothing. He had not expected to go down this road. He remained silent for what seemed an eternity.
Steven realized that his doctor was not going to say anything unless he was faced with a question, so he asked, “Is that true?”
Trapped, the doctor replied, “It is.”
Steven asked, “Why?”
After a few long seconds his friend replied, ”I thought someone should be there and I had the lightest workload so the group asked me to stay at the hospital for a few hours a day.”
“Bullshit!” replied Steven, with a grin on his face, feeling smug that he had been able to turn the table on his doctor.
“I beg your pardon?” was the best he could come up with. He was not used to being the one answering the questions.
“You don’t have to beg”, said Steven, “but you could tell me why you work so hard to keep from admitting that you actually like me; that I am your friend as well as your patient.”
Ledderman, for the first time since he and Steven had met, felt conflicted about his feelings for his young patient but decided to answer.
“OK, Steven,” he said, “I will answer you, and then we get back to work. Agreed?”
“Yes!” was all Steven, who was now the one caught off guard, could say.
“As you know from some of our earlier conversations, and from the rumor mill, I had a very awkward situation as a child and as a young man. Because of my gift, I was never able to make friends. I was known as ‘four-eyes’ to some kids and ‘blimpo’ or ‘egg-head’ to others. I was an oddity. There were not a lot of kids graduating from college, when they should be in the seventh or eighth grade. I was too smart for the kids my age and too young for the young people with whom I attended college. So I was in my twenties before I had someone I considered a friend.
“I always knew what I hoped a friend would be, but was far too immature to understand how to make friends. My one friend and I keep in touch a little but he has a wife and kids and works for a company designing guided missiles. That’s where I would probably be had I not decided to become a psychologist.
“In my work, I come in contact with people of all ages and from a wide slice of the population. I do not have a private practice. Most of the people I see are simply referrals for evaluations and I see them once or twice or rarely, three times. My main employer is the state, which pays me to do the thing I love, to help young people. Periodically, I run across someone who seems to stand out, in some way, from the rest of my patients. I like most all of my patients but I have never developed a relationship with any of them.
“From the first day we met, I knew you were different from any patient I had encountered, either as a student or a practitioner. You are honest, even honest about the things you refuse to talk about. You are engaging and can be deadly serious or seriously funny. You are smart, well into the genius range based on the standard testing that was administered shortly after you arrived here, but you are also what is known as ‘street smart’.
“It was during our ‘non-business’ conversations that I realized that I enjoyed our conversations and that I liked you in a different way than I like my other patients. I meet few adults who can engage in conversation on a wide range of topics and are willing to be the teacher as well as the student. I like the way you show concern for the well-being of others and try to hide that fact. To sum this up in one succinct statement, I find that you display all the traits I thought one should find in a friend. Therefore, I do like you and I consider you a friend, but a friend distant enough that you can also be my patient.”
Steven sat silent for a few moments, and then said, “Doctor Ledderman, among all of my peers, I have only two or three that I consider ‘real’ friends. I value their friendship. Of all the adults I have come to know, there is only one who I would trust to be my friend; that one is you and I hope you know I value and I am thankful for your friendship.”
“Shall we get to work now?” his friend said and reestablished the Doctor-Patient relationship. Both would hold the last few minutes in their hearts forever.
After the usual back and forth about conditions in the pod and his general well being, Ledderman moved on to the subject that would consume the rest of the day and put their Doctor-patient relationship and their friendship on very precarious ground.
“Steven”, the Doctor began, “would you be willing to share with me the reason or reasons that you and Andrew tried to do harm to yourselves?”
“It’s pretty simple, doc.; no family, no friends, no funds, no future, no fucking anything. We will leave here and either return to The Hill or return to our families. Neither of the options seems ideal but if I have a choice, I will go home. At least there I can protect myself.”
“And what will become of your friendship with Andrew?” the doctor wanted to know.
“Andrew is the best friend I have ever had or ever will have; no matter what happens, that fact will always be true.”
“Steven, do you love Andrew?”
“Yes doc. I do.”
“The next question is the most obvious in the list. Have you and Andrew been intimate?”
Steven jumped out of his chair like he had been shot out of a cannon, “What the hell did you just ask me? I don’t believe you woul
d ask me that. Not you, doc. You know me better than anyone but Andrew. I can’t believe this. Do all you people think love means being ‘intimate’?”
Dr. Ledderman sat back and let Steven explode and rant; he wanted him to get it all out of his system.
“Andrew and I love the same things; we see beauty in the same things; we love debating with each other; we love that we can learn on our own; we love looking at the sunset, and the sunrise; we love impressing our teachers because they usually think we are stupid; we love each other’s company. And so, doctor, if that is considered being intimate, yeah we have been intimate!
“I can’t believe you, of all the people on earth, would ask me that. I will make it clear for you; sex and love are not the same thing. Love is what Andrew and I have for each other; sex is when you fuck. We don't need each other for that, either of us could have a different girl to fuck every night of the week.”
Steven slumped back in his chair, exhausted and frustrated. “Not you Doc., Not you too.” he said, barely above a whisper as a tear formed in the corner of his eye.
Dr. Ledderman sat quietly and gave Steven plenty of time to compose himself.
“OK then, shall we move along”, he said to Steven when it looked like he was ready. Steven just nodded.
“Steven, it is very important that you listen to me closely for the next few minutes. Do you understand?”
Steven thought it was a weird statement. He always paid attention. “OK doc. You have my undivided attention.”
“Do you remember the first time we met in this office and I told you that nothing you said would ever leave here?
“Yes.” Steven replied in a voice that belied the sick feeling he was suddenly experiencing.
“I told you at that time that there would be times when I would be required by law to report on certain things we discuss. Do you remember that?”
“Yeah, I remember. So is this where you drop the hammer on me doc?”
“In just a few minutes we will begin a short period of time when I will ask you certain questions. Those questions and your answers will be reported to several state law enforcement agencies. Do you understand what I have just told you?”
“Yes”
“OK, when we begin that session, I want you to sit up, answer me as clearly as possible and in a clear, controlled voice. I don’t want you to be a smart-ass or to lose your temper. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” Steven knew he had already dug his own grave by unloading on Ledderman, or for even trusting him in the first place.
The doctor told him that anything he said from now on would be reported to the appropriate state agency. He asked him again if he understood and he replied that he did. He couldn’t understand why the doctor was telling him the same thing so many times.
“Steven, this session, beginning at 10:00 AM on (the date of the session), is part of the investigation into the incident involving you and Andrew Chambers in which the two of you apparently tried to take your own lives. I will be taking detailed notes as we talk and those notes will be part of the report that will be sent to the various state agencies as required by law. I expect you to be truthful and answer the questions to the best of your recollection. Do you understand these instructions?”
“Yes Sir.” Steven decided he would be the perfect prisoner as the inquisition began.
“Steven, please tell me who decided that you and Andrew should commit suicide?”
“No one really decided, sir. We had talked about it for a few weeks and one day seemed as good as any other day.”
“Did you decide what day the attempt should be carried out?”
“I told you, no one decided. We just did it.”
“Who did the cutting Steven, you or Andrew?”
“What?”
“Who cut your arm? Who cut Andrew’s arm?”
“Oh. Well we were going to cut each other but neither one of us could stand the thought of hurting the other so we each cut ourselves.”
“I see. Who cut himself first?”
“I don’t remember. That whole afternoon is foggy in my mind.”
“Is Andrew Chambers a homosexual?”
“What? Are you crazy? “
“Young man, do not yell at me. I am not deaf. Just answer the questions.” The doctor gave Steven a forced kind of stern look. Under any other circumstances, that would have funny. His was not a face that could look stern.
“Are you a homosexual?”
“What?” Steven caught himself and lowered his voice to avoid being chastised again. “Are you crazy?”
“Have you and Andrew Chambers had sexual relations?”
Steven was stunned. He and the Doctor had just covered this ground. He sat ready to explode when it hit him. He looked at Ledderman who surely recognized the look on Steven’s face and gave the slightest nod; a nod that could mean, “Go on” or could mean, “I see you get it.”
Steven straightened himself in the chair and composed his answer. He thought he knew what had just happened and if he was right, he would owe the doctor a debt that could never be repaid.
“No sir, I have never had sexual relations with another male and to the best of my knowledge, Andrew has never had sexual relations with another male.”
“Is it true that you and Andrew Chambers are in love?”
“Yes, that is true.” Steven spoke clearly and with purpose. “I love Andrew with all my heart, the way siblings should love each other; the way parents and children should love each other; the way we think our Creator supposes to love us and the way He expects us to love Him.” Steven was on a roll now and hoped he was doing the right thing. “I can see that you think Andrew and I are in love and therefore we must have had sex. We did not.”
To Steven, the doctor seemed more relaxed and hoped it was not just his imagination.
“When people are in love, don’t they have sex with each other?”
“I told you”, Steven spoke with renewed confidence, “that we were not in love that way. To the best I can remember, we never even talked about sex at all.” Steven hesitated a moment, then added, “That’s not completely true. We did talk about our sexual escapades prior to being confined. Both of us had active sex lives and we both thought we were too young to have had the kind of experiences that we did.”
Dr. Ledderman sat back in his chair a bit and asked, ‘Steven, why did you want to take your own life. I know you can’t speak for Andrew; just tell me about your reason.”
“I will try doctor,” Steven said. “First on the list is that I am probably going to be sent back to the reform school soon. I will not survive there. Second is my family. I have a shitty life at home. Please pardon my bad language but I don’t know any other way to describe it. You know the situation with my family. I am not sure I could survive the constant turmoil there,” Steven continued. “I am not sure that I will be allowed to reenter my high school and even if I did, my reputation is probably way past the ‘nasty’ rating. I would probably be in trouble again in no time. No matter which way I turned, my life was ready to be washed down the drain. I just did not want to be hurt anymore, not physically and not emotionally.” As he finished, he felt good about his answer; and he was becoming more confident that the doc really was a man to be trusted. He had made a mistake when he doubted that.
Ledderman moved along to the next question. “Steven, why were you incarcerated?”
Tears welled up in Steven’s eyes and he had to catch his breath before he answered. He had not expected that question.
“I got in some trouble at school” was his answer.
“What kind of trouble Steven?”
The doctor knew where he was going but Steven was lost. It seemed like he was just along for the ride. He would try to keep his answers short. “I got caught cutting school a few times and I got in a hassle with one of the teachers.”
“When you say you ‘got in a hassle’, exactly what does that mean?”
Damn it. We have never
talked about it but the doc has read and he knows everything there is to know about me and why I am here, Steven thought to himself. He really did not want to do this, but he had no choice.
“I hit a teacher.”
“Why did you hit a teacher?”
“OK, Doctor Ledderman, this is what I remember. First of all, I have the ability to listen, comprehend, and remember things while doing other things.”
The doctor interrupted him and asked him, “What kind of things could you be doing while you were listening to something?”
“Almost anything but talking.”
“Thank you,” the doctor said, “Go on.”
“I was in Biology class and the teacher was delivering his weekly lecture. One of the other students had given me some pictures she took at the football game the previous Saturday.”
Ledderman interrupted again. “Were you in the pictures?”
“Yes.”
“Why was the game on a Saturday night? Aren’t they usually on Friday?”
“It was the state championship game.”
“You said you were in some of the pictures. Did you play football?”
“Yes.”
“And did you play in that game?”
“Yes”
“Thank you”, the doctor said, “Go on with your explanation.”
“I was listening to every word of his lecture. I was also looking at the pictures. He came down my aisle from the rear and when he got beside my desk, he grabbed the front of my shirt and dragged me out of my desk and was trying to pull me down the aisle. My right foot was caught but he kept pulling. When I finally got my right foot loose, my left foot caught on another desk and twisted it pretty good, but he kept pulling on me. I asked him to stop and I told him to stop but he just kept going. Finally I popped him. When he did not let go, I hit him again; hard this time. So, the result was my incarceration while he still roams the classroom.”
“What kind of grade did you have in his class?”
“B”
“What about your other classes?”
“Including his class, I had three Bs and two As “
“Was the teacher hurt?”
“He had a black eye from the first time I hit him and I broke his nose when he would not stop.”
“How did that get you committed to the correctional facility”? Ledderman wanted to know.
“I was expelled immediately and two days later my parents and I had to attend a meeting with the principal. When we arrived and were seated the principal, Mr. Lester, informed us that he had completed his investigation and had determined that I could no longer attend Aaron Burr High School. I asked him when I would be allowed to conduct my investigation. He informed me that he is the only person permitted to conduct an investigation. I asked him if he was going to bring in his witnesses so that I could question them and he got very angry. He said, ‘I told you that only I conduct investigations here and no, you will not be able to question witnesses and don’t even ask if you can present witnesses of your own because you can't. It is that attitude that has you in the position you are in now. You would be wise to run your mouth less and show some respect for authority.’
He said the case is closed and that I was permanently expelled from school. He then started lecturing my parents about parental responsibility and how it was their fault I was in trouble.
I just exploded and told him that anything he had to say was to be said to me. I told him that he was in no position to accuse my parents of anything; he did not even know them or anything about them. I told him that a whole boatload of Lesters could not measure up to my parents. After that he got real snotty like his shit didn’t smell. He said ‘Very well, Steven, you are expelled and may never again be allowed to attend Aaron Burr High School. Please tell your parents that since you are under the age of eighteen and not in enrolled in school as required by law that the Juvenile Authorities will be contacting them soon about that situation. As for you, I’m sure that those authorities will be picking you up for being a delinquent. Do you understand all that?’”
“I told him that we understood his babble and he said the meeting was over and dismissed us like he was some Overlord or something. I let my parents go out of his office first; then I went back into his office and told him to never ever talk to my parents like that again and that if he did and I ever caught him somewhere outside of school that I would give him an ass kicking like he could not imagine. I said ‘Now the meeting is over; you are excused’ and I walked out to where my parents were and we went home.”
Full of questions, Dr. Ledderman asked, “What happened to the teacher?”
“Nothing. He got his nose fixed and I went to jail.”
Ledderman remarked, “I thought you didn’t like your father? You certainly stuck up for him. Why is that?”
“He had no authority to talk to my parents, or any parents, the way he did. He talked down to them like they were dirt and they did not deserve that. My parents and I live on different planets but I can tell you that I would never talk to my parents like that. We don’t really like each other but that is our affair and I never cross the line with them when we have disagreements.”
“I see,” the Doctors replied. “What other charges did you face when you went to Juvenile Court?
Just that I had cut school about ten times but the Juvenile Officer said that we, he and I, had resolved that problem so I don’t think that was used against me.”
“What else? Were there any other charges?” Ledderman asked as he continued writing in his notepad.
“No Sir that was it”, Steven said, as he realized that the doc was trying to get this information in the record. He thinks I got screwed, Steven said to himself. He wanted to smile but didn’t. He decided to hold that smile for another time.
“Do you have any comments or any other information that you think should be part of this investigation?”
“Just that I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused. Everyone here has treated me great and I let them all down.” Steven sat with his head hanging, wishing for all the world he had died in that little room.
“Thank you, Steven, for your cooperation.”
Still in his formal mode, Dr. Ledderman continued. “This concludes the official fact-finding session with Steven Cross, conducted by Dr. Thomas Ledderman on (date) at The Diagnostic Center.”
As quickly as he had become the formal investigator, Ledderman stepped back into his role as Steven’s personal Psychologist and friend. He looked Steven in the eyes and in a voice filled with apprehension for Steven’s future and sadness at the thought of losing his young friend, he spoke, ignoring the tears that were slowly rolling across is soft, corpulent cheeks.
“I don’t know what happens from here Steven, but I know you are strong enough to put this whole past year aside and build a life that everyone you know will envy. I have enjoyed our talks and, even if this is our last session, I will remember with affection the time we have spent together, teaching and learning from each other. Your case, and more importantly, you, will remain with me forever.”
Steven spoke through the lump in his throat. “Doctor Ledderman, I am smart enough to know that you, as my Psychologist and me as a troubled young man who you were supposed to be analyzing and helping, should never have developed the relationship we have enjoyed over these past several months. Regardless of that, you are the most caring person I have ever known. You have taught me what friendship really means, and you have given me a hero; someone I want to be like. I know that over the years, however many I will have awaiting me, I will make friends, I will meet people who I will admire and who will influence me, and who I would like to emulate. For however long I live, you will remain in my heart and in my memory. I will always cherish the friendship you have given so freely and I will always feel proud that you have considered me a friend.” He decided to leave it at that, there was nothing else to say and he was close to crying.
They sat for a few minutes wh
ile each regained his composure; finally the doctor stood. Steven took that as a sign the session was over and stood and the two shook hands and hugged; the first time in Steven’s mind that he had hugged or been hugged by an adult man.