When You See Me

by Lisa Gardner

  I haven’t heard myself in so long, the first noise shocks me. The second makes me cry.

  Later, when D.D. comes to check on me at lunch, she cries, too.

  My new friends are busy.

  I can’t tell them where the other girls are, but there is another woman, Dorothea, who works in the town offices and runs some kind of website; she talks enough for everyone. D.D. tells me Franny, the Bad Man’s mother, refuses all conversations. Her man is dead. Her son, too. She doesn’t care about the police, our town, what she did. She sits in silence.

  But Flora’s boyfriend, Keith, can make computers do whatever he wants. With some information from Dorothea, he finds everything D.D. and the others want. Now, the FBI agent Kimberly is gone every day, overseeing the dozens of law enforcement experts pouring through our mountains, unearthing sad piles of bones, and helping them find their way home.

  I’m called Bonita now. I like this name. I don’t think it’s the one from my mother, but it is the one from my new life with my new family, so I will keep it.

  Eventually, D.D. says I can come to a big city called Boston. There is a place there that specializes in injuries like mine. My new therapist tells me they can help me make some progress. Maybe not speech, but I will learn to communicate with pictures and some words and maybe things like sign language. It turns out there are many kinds of talking in the world. I will find a way in the end.

  D.D. says I can live with her and her husband, Alex. Her son, Jack, already wants to meet me. He has a dog named Kiko who eats shoes and runs like the wind. I want to meet Alex and Jack and Kiko, even if it means leaving this tiny place that has been both my prison and my home for so long.

  Flora tells me it’s okay to be scared. She says I must talk about it and not hold it inside. Fear is natural, but I should always remember that I am strong. All survivors are strong, and no one can take that from us.

  People have vanished.

  Not girls this time. Townsfolk, business owners. Here, then—when the FBI goes to raid their homes—gone.

  Dorothea’s computer includes names, D.D. explains to me one day. Many are local. Some are from around the world.

  She and Kimberly are not concerned about the ones who’ve fled. D.D. tells me they will catch them all in the end. The ripples from this case—bodies in the woods, names in the computer—it will take years to unravel.

  But that’s the FBI’s job. I don’t have to do anything. They have Franny and Dorothea and other guilty parties and piles of evidence to help them out.

  It’s my job to be a girl now. Not a stupid girl. Just . . . a teenager. One who will go to school, and study speech and maybe make new friends, like Alex and Jack and Kiko.

  I’ve never been a child before. I don’t know if it’s hard or not, but I would like to try.

  I cry at night. I have bad dreams. I wake up, maybe trying to scream, but of course there is no sound.

  Flora tells me she does the same, and she’s been rescued for seven years. She assures me it gets easier. I will learn about me, and what I need to get to the other side.

  I have never been me before either.

  Flora loves Keith. They never say anything, but we all know. They blush when the other walks into the room. I like how they smile radiantly. It brings a lightness to my chest.

  I think I understand what Flora is trying to teach me. It won’t be all better right away. But someday, it will be all better.

  We have been staying at our same motel. After the Last Stand at the Mountain Laurel and the string of arrests, the motel manager has been very nice to us. He swears he never wanted us to leave, but had received a threatening note. It turns out many people knew Clayton, and most were scared of him.

  D.D. must return to Boston soon. She misses her family and needs them. I can’t go just yet. There is paperwork that must be in order. I don’t know how you put paperwork in order, but Kimberly assures me it can be done. In the meantime, Flora and Keith will stay with me.

  Flora is arranging the burial of a man named Walt Davies. I didn’t know him. I don’t really know most locals, just the guests that stayed at the hotel. Apparently, Walt was the father of Flora’s bad man. But she says Walt was good in the end and tried to help her, help me.

  She is sad when she talks about him, but then her mood shifts and becomes sharp. I can’t decide on colors for Flora. Sometimes, I think she’s all different shades on different days.

  Maybe because she is still learning to be herself. She says if she can do it, anyone can.

  I talk to Flora and Keith with pictures. Which is to say, I don’t talk much. I listen a lot. I like to listen to people who are actually speaking to me. Who look me in the eye and care about my reaction. We’re all getting good at charades; plus I get to draw. As much as I like, as often as I like.

  The speech lady tells me my pictures are very good. She has a friend who displays artwork. She would like to introduce me to her.

  I want to find my mother.

  The Bad Man killed her. I know that. I was able to draw that for my friends. But I don’t know what happened after that. I have a special picture in my photo boards. The therapist lady helped me make it. It’s like one of the emojis I have learned about, except I designed this one with my mother’s eyes and my mother’s hair.

  I touch it first thing in the morning and last thing before I go to bed. And I feel her, silvery and warm in the air around me.

  I show her picture often to Flora and D.D. I make my questioning face. We are all getting good at this.

  D.D. figured out first what I wanted. She says they haven’t been able to find any records. Of my birth, or my mother. But they have been retracing the Bad Man’s life. They know he ran a business in New Mexico. There are legal records. Now they are working on the illegal stuff. He is dead, and witnesses will come forward. She tells me they will have information soon.

  The FBI out there have already started hunting. Sooner or later, they will find a stretch of desert, dotted with bones just like in the mountains. My mother will be one of them. They will carefully lift her from the red dirt and bring her home to me. Her name is Flora Dane. She is a survivor and my mentor.

  Her name is D. D. Warren. She is a detective and my protector.

  Her name is Kimberly Quincy. She is an FBI agent and the person who will bring all my lost sisters justice.

  My name is Bonita. I am pretty. I am strong.

  I am my mother’s daughter. Always.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I started this book with barely a wisp of an idea—what would it be like to be an abducted child with no ability to speak, read, or write? I contacted my dear friend and gifted speech therapist, JoAnn Kelly, MS, CCC-SLP, from Children Unlimited Inc. She walked me through the basics of speech aphasia, then introduced me to storyboards and other communication techniques for nonverbal children. It is due to her that Bonita is such a gifted artist and D.D. figured out text emojis. Thank you, JoAnn!

  This puzzle then led me to Executive Director Liz Kelley-Scott, and forensic interviewer Beth D’Angelo of the Child Advocacy Center of Carroll County, in order to learn how to conduct a forensic interview of a nonverbal witness. According to them, I’d just created their worst nightmare. Yay, me! But they had some excellent ideas on the subject, which I fully appreciated. Thank you, Liz, Beth, and of course, therapy dog extraordinaire, Westin. They provided hope for D.D. and Kimberly in dealing with their new charge, Bonita.

  Of course, no book would be complete without some fun forensics. Thank you Dr. Lee Jantz, associate director of the Forensic Anthropology Center of the University of Tennessee (home of the Body Farm!), for educating me on the latest practices for determining time since death of skeletal remains. I also appreciate all the information on mass graves. Things I never knew and now can’t get out of my head. Remember all mistakes in this novel are mine and mine alone, becaus
e Dr. Jantz is clearly brilliant, not to mention very patient with overenthusiastic thriller writers.

  Next up, Lt. Michael Santuccio from the Carroll County Sheriff’s Office. Cold cases, current cases, this guy knows it all. Every time my taskforce got stuck, I’d call him for fresh investigative tactics, which he never failed to deliver. Oh the amount of data out there and the things a savvy detective can learn. Again, all mistakes are mine and mine alone. Thank you, Lt. Santuccio, for being D.D.’s brains and my savior.

  My deepest admiration and appreciation to my editor, Mark Tavani, for the long phone calls and brainstorming sessions that finally brought my kernel of an idea to fruition. Then kept me on track till I got it done! Also, complete adoration to my agent, Meg Ruley. An author couldn’t have a better advocate on her side.

  To my friends, thank you for keeping me sane. To my family, thank you for understanding when I’m insane. And to my amazing three dogs plus an entire mountain range, thank you for keeping me going. Nothing like a walk in the woods for figuring out where to hide more dead bodies.

  Finally, what you’ve all been waiting for: the winners of the Kill a Friend, Maim a Buddy Sweepstakes. Stacey Kasmer must have some excellent friends on her side. With nearly sixty of them nominating her for death, Brandon Salemi came through with the win, and got Stacey her grand demise. Hope it was worth it, Stacey, and that all of you enjoy! On the international side, Hélène Tellier nominated herself for literary immortality. Enjoy the novel, and the thrill of your own fictional adventure! Everyone else, the contest is up and running again at LisaGardner.com. Don’t be shy!

  Writing is a solitary business, but publishing is a team sport. Thank you to my amazing team in the United States and abroad. And a huge shout-out to my readers, who are almost as excited to see my characters again as I am.

  This one’s for you.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Lisa Gardner is the number one New York Times bestselling author of twenty-one previous novels, including her most recent, Never Tell. Her Detective D. D. Warren novels include Find Her, Fear Nothing, Catch Me, Love You More, and The Neighbor, which won the International Thriller of the Year Award. She lives with her family in New England.

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