“I’m so sorry.”
She shook her head. “Don’t be sorry. You have a lot on your mind. Why don’t you let Sawyer drive you over to your parents? If you and your parents feel up to it afterward, we can all have dinner together and catch up some more.”
“I think that sounds like a great idea,” I chimed in.
Reagan slowly stood. “You’re right. My mind is definitely elsewhere. I need to get this off my chest. No matter what their reaction might be. I can’t keep hiding from them.”
“I promise.” Mom held up her one hand. “They are going to be fine with all of this.”
“Mom, you talk like you have some kind of inside knowledge.”
“Absolutely not. I just know how Kathleen and Tommy are. They’ll love you no matter what your choices are.”
He gave her a half smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes. The color slowly drained from his face. He needed to get this over with so he could breathe easy again. Even if they hurt him, he wouldn’t have to worry about the unknown anymore.
I stood and reached out for his hand, lacing our fingers together. “Ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” He looked at my parents. “Hopefully, we’ll see you later.”
“Even if you don’t do dinner, you’re always welcome back here.”
I waved to my parents on the way out the door, wanting to get Reagan to his parents before he threw up or worse, decided not to tell them. That this was all too much for him to deal with.
We climbed in the car. Reagan didn’t make a sound on the short ride there. He sucked in short, shallow breaths and for one minute I thought he might start to hyperventilate. I put the car in park and faced him.
“If you want me to, I can stay in the car.”
He shook his head emphatically. “Absolutely not. You may not be able to hold my hand while I tell them, but I want you as close to me as possible. I need you to be my rock, no matter what happens.”
“I’ll be anything you need me to be.”
We got out of the car and I followed a short distance behind him, trying to not stare at his ass, making everything more than obvious. He lifted his hand like he was knocking on some strangers’ door. Just as quickly he lowered his hand and blew his hair off his forehead.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” he whispered under his breath and pushed the door open.
“Mom? Dad?” he called.
“In the den,” his dad called out to us.
He gave my hand a brief squeeze before starting toward the back of his parents’ house. The TV blared in the background as we took the three steps down into the room. In the years since I’d been there, they’d replaced some of the furniture and the TV. A large U-shaped sectional took up the middle of the room on one side. The wall to the left still held a ton of pictures of Reagan throughout his life. Looking at that wall, I understood what he was afraid of losing.
“Hey, Reagan, what are you—” His mom stopped mid-sentence, her gaze flying to me. “Sawyer?”
“Hey, Mom. It’s him.”
She stood and like my mom, rushed over and pulled me into a hug, rocking me back and forth. “Where have you been hiding? We’ve been keeping tabs on your band since Reagan pointed out it was you behind the drums.”
“Awww, thank you.”
She stepped back, holding me by the shoulders, her gaze examining every inch of me. “That doesn’t explain where you’ve been.”
I glanced at Reagan out of the corner of my eye. It was now or never. Sweat formed on his brow, but he straightened his shoulders.
Now.
“That’s kind of what we’re here to explain.”
She took each of our hands and led us over to the side of the sectional couch. She sat on one side of me with Reagan on the other. “Talk to us. What’s going on? Does it have something to do with your band members?”
Reagan shook his head. “Nothing like that, Mom. We need to talk about why Sawyer left.”
His mom’s gaze shot to me. “Did something happen to you? Were you okay? What can we do to help?”
“Mom,” Reagan groaned. “Would you stop asking a million questions and listen?”
She pretended to zip her mouth shut and folded her hands in her lap, like a schoolgirl who’d just been given a detention for her excessive talking.
“Well…uh…Sawyer…uh, and I…um…have something to tell you.”
His mom moved closer to the edge of the couch. “What is it?”
Reagan looked at me and I could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard. And again like at my parents’ house, he let it out on a rush of air. “Sawyer left because he’s gay and he thought I might not be able to accept that.”
Fiery eyes moved to Reagan. “You better not have given him that indication. We don’t choose who we love.”
With those words, I noticed Reagan’s shoulder start to relax. Kathleen had crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for his answer. I think a part of him was so relieved she wasn’t upset, that he forgot to answer her. One of her brows winged up to her hairline as a sure sign she might lose her shit on him in a matter of seconds. Belatedly, he realized how close his mom was and rushed to reassure her.
“No, Mom. I would never push him away because of who he loves.”
If only Reagan knew he was that person. He had been the only one.
She looked back and forth between us, her stance relaxing as she waited for us to continue.
“Well…” I started, but Reagan shook his head, stopping the flow of words.
He turned back to his mother. “There’s more to it than that.”
Her head tilted to the side, probably running through the million scenarios that could make me being gay different. I would have been willing to bet the reality was nowhere near what she expected.
“What else could there be?”
Reagan opened his mouth to speak and at the same time quietly slipped his hand in mine. Her eyes followed our hands. “Sawyer and I are in a relationship.”
Tommy was staring at our joined hands, and I braced myself for their reaction. I saw Reagan do the same thing out of the corner of my eye. “So you’re gay?”
There was no animosity or hatred in his voice, just curiosity. Just a parent trying to understand what his son was telling him. His mom still hadn’t said a word.
Reagan looked at his dad. “No, I wouldn’t say gay, maybe bi. I didn’t suddenly start not finding women attractive. I’m just more attracted to Sawyer right now.”
He squeezed my fingers. While it felt good to hear the words, there was a part of me that couldn’t leave out the right now. Would he eventually get tired of me, push me away for a woman? Someone who society would be more willing to accept? Digging deep, I shoved those thoughts away. Reagan was with me and I wouldn’t let the what-ifs of the future ruin that.
His dad nodded and stood from the couch, holding his hand out to Reagan. He took it and let his dad pull him to standing. Reagan’s dad wrapped his arm around him, hugging him tight. Reagan began shaking from head to toe.
“You have nothing to worry about. You are my son and nothing will change that. I’ll always love you.”
Reagan’s whole body relaxed against his dad, letting him absorb some of the shaking from the adrenaline dump. A tear glistened in Kathleen’s eyes as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. “Tommy’s, right. We love you both no matter who you’re with. All we want from either of you is for you to be happy.”
I hadn’t noticed the tension in my shoulders when we’d left my parents’ house, but those words made it seem like I could breathe again. Reagan turned around and hugged his mom.
He watched me over his shoulder and winked. I loved having my Reagan back. “He makes me really happy.”
“That’s all I care about.”
Reagan sat next to me, closer than before, and laid his hand across my thigh, resting his head on my shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispered.
I set my hand against his cheek. “Anything for you.”
The room was silent for a moment while Reagan’s parents came to terms with the new reality, but that didn’t stop them from also asking us to stay for dinner. In the end we decided to take both of our parents out. We talked, laughed, and joked. Things were looking brighter every day. If only the rain cloud of telling my secret to the world would have disappeared.
It was something we still needed to face, but until the time came, I planned on enjoying my little piece of happy.
CHAPTER 30
Reagan
Time seemed to stand still. No earth turning on its axis. No cycles of the moon. Each day blended into the one before it.
When Sawyer mentioned the PR blitz tour, I thought nothing of it. We’d spent years apart. Two weeks would be a walk in the park.
Boy was I fucking wrong.
Those years passed in the blink of an eye. After the first few months, I stopped waiting for Sawyer to walk through the door and apologize for bailing. What I should have realized in that time was his feelings for me and maybe even my feelings for him. It would explain why I felt so lost and abandoned when he first left. This time couldn’t have been any more different.
This time I knew what it felt like to have his lips on mine and his fingers electrifying every part of skin he touched. My cock ached at the very thought of being buried deep inside Sawyer or his delectable mouth on my dick. I spent many nights keeping myself company with my right hand, but it wasn’t the same.
Honestly, I couldn’t wait for him to be home.
Unfortunately, there was still an entire week to go. They were flying almost every day as they hopped from one major city to the next, doing interviews or playing live on the radio. Earlier I’d watched the video of them playing in a studio. Things seemed to be going really well for them. Every time they stopped in a city, their single moved farther up the charts.
A quick glance around my living room and I was a little lost. Thankful that Harrison was on a business trip for a week, but still lost. I spent so much time at Sawyer’s place, mine no longer felt like home. The stuff was all mine, it just wasn’t the place I wanted to be. I leaned my head against the back of the couch. The words on my laptop blurred as my focus strayed from the brief I’d been working on to Sawyer. Or more accurately, everything I wanted Sawyer to be doing to me at the moment. My eyes crossed with just the thought.
I slammed the lid shut and made my way to the kitchen for a beer. If I couldn’t get any work done, the least I could do was drink and watch a game. I’d just sat down and reached for the remote when my cell phone rang. I picked it up from the coffee table. The name on the screen had me answering instantly.
“Hey, sexy.”
Sawyer growled into the phone. “What if it wasn’t me on the other end of the line?”
I rolled my eyes. “And who else would it possibly be?”
He sighed. “Ugh. I have no idea. I’m just cranky.”
“Aren’t things going well?”
“Things are going extremely well.”
I placed the beer bottle on the table in front of me. “Then what’s the problem? I thought you were most excited for touring.”
“That was before I had you in my bed every night.”
Something squeaked into the receiver. “Are you guys at a hotel?”
“Yeah,” he said on a sigh. “I’m lying on this lonely bed with no big, warm body to snuggle up to.”
I chuckled. “I’d give you shit about that, but I can’t seem to get you out of my head tonight either.”
“Oh, really? Thinking about my mouth on your cock?”
Visions of the way he swirled his tongue around the tip made every ounce of blood that could possibly be in my head rush south. My dick hardened in an instant. Since Sawyer and I first hooked up, it had been a long time since I’d gone without sex. And my body craved his.
Soft moans sounded over the phone that sent a shiver down my body. “Are you jerking off?”
A louder groan hit my ears. “Yeah. The sound of your voice makes me hard as a rock.”
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“Oh God, please don’t stop talking,” he begged.
If Sawyer was going to get himself off while on the phone with me, I wanted to do the same. Lying across the couch, I tugged down my basketball shorts and boxers, freeing my cock from its confines. With visions of Sawyer’s naked body in my mind, I wrapped my hand around my dick, pulling off one stroke.
“All I can think about is fucking you until you can’t walk the next day.”
“Oh fuck.” That thought made my balls pull tight to my body.
I moved my thumb over the slit, spreading the pre-cum, using it as lubrication over my already aching dick. My hands slid up and down faster. The sounds coming from the phone grew louder. I knew Sawyer was close. So was I. My balls pulled tight to my body. The moment I heard my name shouted from his lips, I lost it. Come shot out all over my chest. Good thing I hadn’t bothered with a shirt earlier.
My breathing slowed and I grabbed a tissue to clean myself up. Even without Sawyer touching me, orgasms were explosive. What else did I expect from the man, when his voice made me hard as a rock? I tucked myself back into my pants and imagined Sawyer doing the same.
“I miss you,” I said, almost hating the sound of vulnerability in my voice.
If we couldn’t make it two weeks how were we supposed to make months at a time when he toured. It wasn’t like I could go with him. No one but the band knew about us and I certainly couldn’t give up my job. I didn’t want to make Sawyer feel worse about the choices he made. This was the career he’d always wanted and I wouldn’t make him feel guilty when it took him away from me.
“I miss you, too.”
“How many stops do you have tomorrow?”
He sighed. “Just one.”
“You’ll be home before you know it.”
“Yeah, but for how long?”
I may not have been able to see him, but I could hear the defeat in his voice over the phone. “Why do you sound like your mom took away your drumsticks?”
He was quiet for a long moment. The silence stretched on, prickling over my skin. I didn’t think his intention was to freak me out. He was only trying to figure out how to put whatever he wanted to say into words.
“Sawyer, talk to me. I will always be here to listen to you. Just like I’ve been for most of your life.”
“I…” He trailed off and for one brief moment I braced myself.
Was I ready to hear those words?
Could I return them?
At that moment, with so much distance between us, I didn’t think it was the right time. Not that I could stop him if he did say it. And yeah, I was feeling it, but I wanted us to be face-to-face when we said it.
“I,” he started again. “I don’t want to be apart from you for this long again.”
I shook my head, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “We’ve been over this. We’ll deal with a tour when it happens.”
He scoffed. “That might be sooner than you think.”
I sat up straight on the couch. “Did they offer you a long-term tour?”
“They said if the success of this PR tour continues, they’ll start looking into dates for a solo tour when we return.” Melancholy laced his voice.
“That’s awesome news.”
“Then why do I feel guilty for only part of me being excited about it?”
I ran a hand through my hair. Sawyer hadn’t given me the whole story and without it I couldn’t figure out how to help him through whatever he was feeling. “Why aren’t you excited?”
“’Cause.” In my mind I could see him sitting on the bed shrugging. “I’d rather not spend nine months having phone sex with you.”
My eyes flew wide-open. “That’s what you’re worried about?”
“The thought of spending nine months apart doesn’t upset you?” The sadness had been replaced wit
h a bite. Sawyer was pissed.
“Slow your roll, babe. That’s not what I said. Being apart for that long will be hard, but the tour wouldn’t start tomorrow, would it?”
“No. It takes months to plan.”
I dropped my head on the back of the couch. “Then what are you worried about? We have months to figure out a way around not seeing each other. It gives me time to save money to fly out to you when you’re not playing too far.”
“And how will we do that when no one knows about us?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. We’ll make sure we have adjoining rooms, then no one will see us.”
“I never thought of that,” he breathed.
“That’s ’cause you’re too busy looking at the negatives. I’m the optimist, remember?”
“Fuck you.” Sawyer laughed.
It was good to hear my Sawyer coming back to himself. I really liked the way that sounded—my Sawyer. Made it very clear that no one else could have him. “Don’t I wish, but I have to wait until you get home.”
Sawyer stopped laughing instantly. I heard him swallow hard. That was when I realized what I said. I’d been thinking about it, but hadn’t told Sawyer yet. I wanted to be able to give myself to him in a way no one had me before. Something only for him. The one thing holding me back was the fear of the pain.
“Are you serious?” he whispered.
For Sawyer, I knew I could get past it.
“Dead serious.”
It was the phrase we’d used growing up when we were joking around, but we needed the other person to know at that moment we were telling the truth. Any time someone said it, you had to listen because it was important.
“Holy shit, you are serious.” Sawyer growled. “Of course you have to mention this when I’m hundreds of miles away and can’t do a goddamn thing about it.”
“You can dream about it.”
“Fuck, you’re making me hard.”
I knew the feeling. It didn’t matter we’d just come, the conversation alone was making my dick hard and ready. “It’ll give you something to look forward to for the next week.”
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