Toward the North

by Hua Laura Wu

  Daylight still lingers at nine-thirty in the evening. Xue wants to cook a simple meal, some congee and a stir-fry, but she discovers when stepping into the kitchen that the entire room is cluttered. She pulls open the fridge, but there is no room there, either. She is trying to figure out what to do when a man, with only a blanket thrown over his shoulder, walks out of the bathroom. She is shocked and rushes downstairs to talk to the woman from Sichuan, whom she met earlier. The Sichuan woman gives her a rough idea who her neighbours are. The two men on her floor work in restaurants. They usually leave early and return late. Xue is horrified. She has cleaned brownish stains off the toilet, which must have been left by those men. She feels so sick that she almost throws up. In Shanghai, she used to run back home to relieve herself no matter where she was because she could not do it anywhere else. Now she is cleaning a toilet for men. How can she stay here? How can Canada allow unrelated men and women to live under the same roof?

  Her appetite spoiled, Xue shuts herself in the tiny room she rents and finishes some food she brought from home. Shanghai is an overcrowded city, but she still had her own space, small as it was. She might have found her work less than satisfying, but hers was a middle-level position in a company that distributed medicine and medical equipment. She routinely got a bonus, just like everyone else in the company. If she had wanted to, she could have found herself a husband and got her own place with a mortgage. This wouldn’t have taken too much to achieve. She did not do those things simply because she did not find the right man. The more she reflects on her current state of affairs, the more convinced she becomes that she was right to sever all ties with George Zhang. She is also doing the right thing not to give him the money, which she borrowed from Yihai. Although Yihai is more than happy to give her the money, she intends to pay him back, sooner or later. He is not a family member, and the chance of them getting married is very slim. Still she can always count on his helping hand. Recalling how dependable he is, she has an urge to call him there and then. She takes out her calling card but remembers the landlady’s instruction: she should have her own telephone if she wants to make phone calls. She feels so disheartened that she wants to cry.

  There is a knock on the door. Just to be careful, she kicks her cases deeper under the bed. It is the landlady, informing her in broken Mandarin that her boyfriend has paid only a fifty-dollar deposit. She must pay her rent right away, first and last month. Xue patiently explains to the older woman that she will pay the next day after she changes her money into Canadian funds. The landlady says that she is willing to accept U.S. money. Xue tells her that she does not know the exchange rate, but the landlady says that she knows and can give Xue a better deal. Xue is sceptical and eventually she convinces the landlady that she has sufficient money to pay the rent and manages to get her out of the room.

  As soon as she wakes up the next morning, Xue decides that she will move out. She hurries to the bank and opens an account. After some thought, she does not put all her money in the account, which proves to be a fatal mistake. She is worried that when Immigration Canada gets wind of her disappearance, they may search for her and, when they find her, confiscate her money. She does not dare send the money back to her parents, either, because she knows that they will be suspicious when they see so much money. She has to keep the money at hand, just in case she fails to find a job, and she needs it to survive.

  Xue stands on the sidewalk, looking at the streetcars running along the rails in the middle of the street. They are longer than a bus but shorter than a train car. They are also very frequent. Streetcars are something refreshingly new to her. They must be like the tramcars of old Shanghai, Xue thinks. She inquires about the fare and is told that a ride costs two dollars and twenty-five cents, no matter how long it is. That is more than ten Chinese dollars. Better walk back. However, a short while later, she finds her legs are stiff and sore. She should have put on her walking shoes. Then she sees a reflection of her graceful figure in the window of a shop and notices the attention she attracts from people on the street, men and women alike. She realizes that the high-heeled sandals are a perfect match for her fashionable dress. It would be great if Zhengjun were with her and could drive her around in the city! He is a software engineer, drives a Japanese car, and speaks good English. He must have made it in Canada. Is there a woman in his life? The eager and solicitous attention he paid her indicates that he is attracted to her. But she is already in rough waters and should not invite more trouble. She finds a phone booth and inserts a couple of coins. The coins fall through, and the line remains silent. She stops a Chinese-looking passerby for help. He tries but does not get through, so he tells her to try another phone. “Use a Bell phone, not this kind. This is operated by a private phone company.”

  Xue nods at him with gratitude. She tries again at a different booth and finally gets connected to the company Zhengjun works for. There is noisy confusion in the background. Xue is still contemplating how to sound natural when a voice with a strong Cantonese accent tells her, impatiently, that Zhengjun has not come to work. Xue is disappointed. Without thinking, she dials a Shanghai number and leaves Yihai a terse message: “I am unhappy. I want to go home. Come and fetch me.”

  Real trouble is waiting for her when she returns to the rooming house. The landlady is sitting in a chair right at her door, blocking her way. She demands the rent be paid immediately.

  Xue says: “It is dingy and rowdy. I have to share the bathroom and kitchen with men. I can’t stand it. I’ll move out.”

  “For a rent as low as this, of course you share. If you want your own space, nice and quiet, you pay money. I had women tenants before. They didn’t complain. We’ve settled on how much you pay and how long you stay. You can’t move out.”

  Xue forces her way towards the door. The landlady realizes that Xue is not intimidated, so she backs down. “You pay the first month and you can go.”

  “Why should I? I’ve been here only two days; the fifty-dollar deposit is more than enough.”

  “One day or one month, they are the same. Your boyfriend booked the room for you. I turned away other tenants.”

  The argument becomes raucous. The Sichuan woman downstairs pokes her head out and draws back after one peek. Xue insists on fetching her luggage and leaving while the landlady firmly refuses to let her into the room. Xue steels herself and gives the older woman a push. The landlady falls off the chair, tumbling to the floor. Xue rushes into the room and starts packing. The other woman struggles to get up and goes downstairs, groaning angrily.

  Xue gets her things packed and squeezes the bag of money safely into a suitcase. She is ready to go. Then a police car, lights flashing and siren sounding, appears at the front door. Xue looks down from the window in terror. Two police officers, a black man and a Caucasian woman, walk upstairs slowly and calmly, with the landlady at their heels. They stop Xue. The landlady complains in broken English, and the officers listen patiently. Then the male officer turns to Xue. He may be asking her if the landlady is telling the truth. Xue feels something is pounding in her head. She racks her brain, trying to search for English words from her memory and from the English lessons she took, but she cannot put a coherent sentence together. She knows very well that she is not making any sense. At that moment, Zhengjun appears. Xue rushes to him, asking him to explain on her behalf. The landlady also holds him tight, wanting him to testify for her. Zhengjun figures out what the problem is, and he advises that Xue pay the three-hundred-dollar rent to avoid further complications. Xue also becomes afraid that this encounter with the law may have more serious consequences if not settled right away. The only trouble is that she does not have Canadian money and her U.S. funds may arouse suspicion, giving her secret away. Zhengjun takes the landlady aside, telling her that he will go and get money from a bank to pay the rent. The landlady leaves with him, without further ado. The two police officers find this turn of events rather anticlimactic. They lecture
Xue that under no circumstances should she use force; if she feels threatened, she should call 911. They also inform her that a landlady has no right to deny a tenant access to her room, no matter what. Xue nods nervously yet gratefully. She hopes that they will go away quickly so that she can get her things ready and leave this damned place. They leave the room. Xue puts her head close to the window, listening. Her heart pounds loudly. The wait is as nerve-racking as time she spent at the Vancouver airport when she was waiting for the immigration agent to stamp her landing papers. She is on edge, anticipating imminent danger. Heavy steps climb up the stairs again. This time the officers come straight to the point, asking Xue to show them her ID, passport, and immigration documents.

  On her immigration form, her husband’s name, George Zhang, looms large. The police officers ask her why she hasn’t joined her husband since she arrived in Toronto. Does she know that her husband is looking for her all over the place?

  Xue realizes that she understands every single word the officers utter. Subconsciously, she uses her fingertips to push up the sliding strap of the black silk bra she is wearing. The white policewoman waits for her reply, her stony face expressionless. Xue finds herself in the same embarrassing situation as when the visa officer at the Beijing embassy questioned her about which kind of contraceptive measures she and her husband used. She cannot evade the question, nor can she hide herself. She gets some control over herself and answers, “My husband and I got separated at the airport.”

  The officers state that they can take her to her husband. Xue does not respond immediately and then says, with words and gestures, that she is scared of having sex with her husband. The policewoman is obviously shocked by her reply. She does not comprehend and so follows up with another question: does she mean that she dislikes having sex with her husband? Xue lowers her head. Tears of hurt and humiliation swell up. The two officers are now really at a loss, unsure what to do next. However, they tell her, before they take off, that they are obliged to inform her husband that she has been located. Xue takes their statement as a hint that she should make a quick departure.

  Zhengjun returns from the bank. Xue feels that she is about to faint and longs to lean on him. But he has not completely recovered from the shock he had, so he asks angrily: “Why did the police stop me and check my ID? You must tell me what this is all about!”

  “Don’t ask questions now. Take me away. I’ll tell you later.” Xue shakes her head, vulnerably.

  Zhengjun has no choice, so he takes her back to the guesthouse where she stayed the first night. Their driver, Mr. Yang, has gone to the airport to meet more newcomers from China. Zhengjun insists on an upstairs room, but Xue gives him a gentle nudge. “The basement will be fine.” Courteously Mrs. Yang shows them a room, takes the money for the night, and leaves.

  Left alone with Xue in a small room, Zhengjun feels an indescribable discomfort, an apprehension that he has not experienced before. This mysterious woman is not someone he wants to deal with, nor someone whom he can handle. He may have flirted a bit, but he’s never had an affair before. What if she has gang connections? If that is the case, his future in Canada could be ruined. He should get as far away from this hornet’s nest as he can. The most sensible thing to do is surely to get back the money he has spent on her and leave. Also, he has to go to work tomorrow. One has to have the time and means to get romantically involved.

  But things have already spun out of control.

  Xue, as soft and yielding as a cloud, quietly glides into the room. Her hand is massaging her fluffy and velvety hair, and she is holding a horn comb under her arm. Her slim neck is lustrous, and her bare back smooth. Her pair of high-heeled slippers draw attention to her long and shapely legs. Under the lamplight, her body exudes sensuality. Zhengjun pants laboriously.

  “Help me dry my hair at the back. I somehow can’t lift my arm.”

  Xue issues the order while examining her reflection closely in the mirror. Fatigue of the past few days renders the fine lines along the wings of her nose more conspicuous and the bridge of her nose higher. Yihai once remarked that she could use those little vibrations of her slightly up-turned nose to express a variety of mood changes. At this moment, her unadorned face lacks some of her usual sensual charm but radiates innocent purity. In the mirror, Xue catches sight of the dumbfounded Zhengjun gawking at her. He seems hesitant, wanting but not daring to make a move. She waves at the image in the mirror. “Hurry up. My hair is still wet. If it dries, I can’t style it.”

  Zhengjun watches her put a hand into her thick hair and give it a shake. Tiny sparkling droplets fall on his face. They are moist but not tender at all. Intuitively, he stands up and inches his closer to her. The room is small, but the distance he has to cover is huge. She shoves a hair dryer into his hand. He holds it tightly but cannot find the switch. His eyes are glued to Xue’s exquisite white shoulder. Xue twirls and turns on the dryer for him. He holds it up stiffly as if on automatic pilot and mutters: “Why dry it? When you sleep with wet hair, you won’t have nightmare.” He is fully aware that his joke is clumsy.

  “What did you say? What are you hinting at?”

  “Xue, I really want to stroke your hair.”

  “Why? But if you want to, just do it.”

  His raging desire explodes. His hand becomes numb as it touches her forehead and caresses her hair. The hair dryer clanks and falls. Xue bends over and picks it up. “Be careful. It’s a gift.” Zhengjun stares at her, noticing that she curls up her lips. But apparently she is not annoyed. Without realizing, he slips down to his knees, wraps his arms around her sexy legs, and gasps, “Xue, I’ll buy you a new one, a better one. Xue….”

  Xue stops him. She feels heat travelling up her legs, a sensation she has never experienced before. Unexpectedly, she loses her balance and collapses onto the bed. Zhengjun falls on top of her.

  Afterwards, Xue covers her naked body with a light cotton sheet. She does not sense anything extraordinary. It feels like a sharp sting by some kind of insect. She regrets that her first time had not been with Yihai or Zhou Bu and that she treated them with such cruelty. They followed her around loyally, but she held up her last defence and denied them sex. She then looks at Zhengjun lying beside her with mixed feelings. Zhengjun is embarrassed. He realizes that his rushed act disappointed Xue. It should not have been like this. In the beginning, he was impulsive but determined, nervous but excited; however, he had not expected that Xue was still a virgin and so he had ejaculated prematurely and hastily. He sits there now, speechless. A prolonged and heavy silence hangs in the room. Time, Eastern Standard Time, flies away. Zhengjun knows very well how important time is to him. Explanation is useless. He should leave. But perhaps there won’t be a second chance for him if he runs away now. There is no hope of recovering the money he has spent. How can he ask her? He puts on his clothes and is ready to leave, though unhappily. Xue turns to face him, and the sheet around her plump buttocks also moves. “Are you going?”

  “Xue, I didn’t plan this. I didn’t know this was your first time.”

  Shaking her head, she says: “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.” She then picks up her purse, counts out a few notes, and hands them over. “That’s for the money you lent me. Thanks.”

  “Xue, I can’t take the money. You’ll need it. You have just arrived and have no clue how hard it is to find work.”

  She grabs his hand and puts the money in it. “I won’t bother you. I can take care of myself. I should have done this long ago. I was stupid. I’m grateful to you anyway. You do not know who I am, but you’ve helped me. You’d better take the money because I need you to do me another favour.”

  “Tell me and I’ll do it for you, Xue.”

  “When I tell you, you may despise me. I have come to Canada through marriage fraud. I don’t want to meet him because I don’t want to give him the rest of the money. He has already got more than his fair share.
Also, he wants to take advantage of me.” While speaking, she takes out all the money and shows it to him.

  Zhengjun has speculated about her, but he is still stunned by the fact that for the past few days she has gone around carrying so much cash. Xue continues: “Here are fourteen thousand U.S. dollars in total. I want you to put them in a bank. This money is for my parents, but I dare not send it back right now. I don’t dare to put it in my bank account, either. I fear that he will report me to Immigration Canada and that the authorities will freeze my account.”

  Zhengjun hesitates. This is a lot of money, more than his net annual income. He takes it, but regrets it right away. “You are not worried about giving me all your money, are you?”

  “Why should I worry? How many lovers do you have? Not many, I guess. I suspected that you might still be single. Judging by the first glance you threw at me, I knew you harboured some ideas.”

  Zhengjun turns the whole matter over several times in his head. He does not want to confide in her about his current difficulties. The very thought that he will lose her right after he got her is painful. Her curvaceous body, partially revealed, is even fairer and softer than her smooth neck. Xue is waiting for his reply, and she smiles a very delicate smile. He cannot say no to her, so he takes her money and writes her a receipt.

  During the next couple of days, Xue becomes more and more agitated. Zhengjun makes a few calls but fails to show up in person. She senses that he is avoiding her. This time, she feels, is different from her previous involvements with men in Shanghai. If she had settled down with either Yihai or Zhou Bu, she would have been reconciled with her lot and been at peace. She certainly would not fool around. But Canada is different. Here she has no idea how to play the game. Actually, not knowing how to play is not the real problem since she will figure out the rules of the game eventually; what really bothers her is her own body. She often experiences tingling sensations inside her, and she longs to cling to, to lean on, to hang onto someone. Ever since she entered university, she was a desired object and was courted by men, but she has never found herself in a situation where she has no control at all, until now. She starts to hate Yihai and Zhou Bu. It is their fault that they are weak-hearted. If one of them had been bold enough, she would have been his. Then she would not have ended up here, suffering alone. She calls Yihai, who tells her that he has made up his mind during the few days when he lost touch with her. He will be happy only when he is with her. If he loses her, his life becomes meaningless. He deeply regrets that he has let her go. He then pleads with her, asking her to return and be his wife.