by Samantha Bee
She grumbles with every new date, but I never see her smile shine brighter. Let go more carelessly than when I take her somewhere new. We go on all types of new adventures like we did after we first reconnected. Only this time, I ask her questions. I tell her about my own past.
She pretends to hate it, but I know her. I've spent so damn long watching her, studying her, I don't miss all the little cues she gives that tell me just that. She is thriving on getting to know me better. On the illusion that we could have a fresh start with all of the festering wounds.
I know we still have a lot to talk about and that's why I chose to bring her here tonight. We can't erase all of our mistakes. We can't let them sit underneath the surface and cover them up, hoping they just go away. We risk them getting infected and only coming back to ruin us down the line. We are going to have to deal with the emotional fallout of both of our choices. I need to fucking apologize for failing her.
She had been so so careful about keeping her arms covered. While it was still chilly, she was too obsessive about it. I instantly took notice and I'll never forget the shock of pain when I saw what she had been hiding. It wounded me to my very center, the core of who I am. Seeing just how low she had fallen after I put roadblocks up for her to get what she needs damn near killed me.
I have so much to make up to her and it starts today with owning up to my part in what broke us. The way she's been doing from the very first second we reconnected. I don't know if I can ever truly make it up to her, but I will spend the rest of my life trying if she lets me.
"What the fuck is this date, Stranger?"
I smile, I knew she would hate being blindfolded but she would figure it out way too quickly if she could see.
"We are only two minutes away, Ladybug." Even with her discomfort she doesn't try to suppress the smile at the sound of her nickname. She really has grown so much. She's so much more open to our little touches of affection and is a lot more open with her own pleasure. She still struggles to openly communicate or express herself in ways other than anger but it's clear how much she's working on it.
I don't think any of us are able to cast stones anyways. One thing that has become clear through this entire shit show is just how many secrets we all had. So many secrets that we need to start airing and working through as a team. Especially as we gear up for the full out war that Scar has started. Luca and Noah bought us some time with their little stunt. I could see how impressed and surprised Scar was, although they hid Noah's involvement from her for now.
No way that lasts, but I'm not in a place to get involved there. I need to focus on getting the two of us back on track before I can work on us as a group all together again. Starting with this.
I park the truck, double checking her blindfold is secure. I move around to the other side and lift her out of the truck and hold her against my chest.
"You're really going to carry me?" she laughs, and I slap a kiss against her forehead.
"My date, my rules."
She laughs and settles in. It's not a long walk to the front door, only a few steps, really. The door is unlocked just like we planned for the first part of the night. I push in and exhale when I confirm no one is here. I don't think they would have agreed to this for anyone other than Scar.
I set her down on the nearest table, biting on my lower lip as I reached up to take her blindfold off.
She smiles when she feels my fingers. As soon as I remove it, she blinks to adjust to the light and casually looks around. I'm practically chewing through my bottom lip, but she just drops her head to the side in confusion when she sees no one else here. She turns back and assesses my nerves.
She can read me like a fucking book. "What's wrong, Stranger?" Her voice is soft, gentle. Almost pleading. So different from how I normally hear her, it's still a bit jarring, even if I can't help but lean into her concern.
I move to sit next to her but change my mind as I drag the next table over closer to her so we can face each other but still be close. I grab both her hands in my own. Her eyes flick down to the left arm in a panic before seeing her shirt still covering the marks. She quickly wipes the emotion from her face and looks back to me. If I hadn't been looking for exactly that, I would have questioned if I had even seen it.
I look right into her pretty eyes and let down my walls. I want her to be able to see all my emotions, see how genuine I am being with her.
"What are we doing here?" Her voice comes out a whisper and I notice how she tries to cover the flinch of her left arm, she's having to fight from ripping it from my grip. I tighten my grip and take a deep breath, fortifying the strength I need to have for this conversation.
"I've loved this whole starting over thing we've been doing." She nods along with my words, a small smile breaks through my seriousness. I knew she was enjoying herself too. "The only problem with it." She flinches and I rush the rest of the words out, so she knows I'm not trying to end things. "It's just we haven't gone back to talk about what happened between us since your apology."
She shakes her head, looking unsure of herself. "Was it not enough?"
"No, no, no," I cut her off before she can even follow that train of thought. "We don't need to talk about your apology, we need to talk about mine." I sigh, "Or my lack thereof."
Her features are twisted in her confusion, so I rush on. "I owe you a giant apology, Scar. I failed you."
I press my finger to her lips when she goes to argue against me. "I hate that you ran. With every fiber of my being, I hate it. I want that to never be an option again because I can live with you pissed at me, I can't live without you though."
She nods with my words and I can see the tears building in those emerald eyes of hers, making them shine even brighter than they normally do. I pull my finger away again and wrap it back around her wrist. I place a chaste kiss on her lips before continuing.
"You remembered about my mom, but I've never told you what happened after she left." I see the pain in her eyes. I know she equates what she did to what my mom did. I can't lie and say I haven't had the same thought in my lowest moments, but the truth is, they're not the same at all. "What you did was way different, baby. I pushed you." I drop her wrist again as I run my fingers through her hair, pushing it out of her face.
"I was so angry because it felt like being abandoned all over again." I had a whole little speech prepared. I was going to tell her all about the fights, the rage and guilt that built up in my system, how it felt when she left the first time. How much I had hoped for her. How fighting is both where my demons were born but where they're healed. Looking into her eyes though, all of the buildup isn't necessary.
Letty knows me. She knows me better than anyone else. What is really important in this moment is just the shit between us. We will have a lifetime to explore the rest. "I was so angry, but it wasn't just at you, Letty."
I hang my head in shame. Squeezing her hand in mine as I finally admit. "So much of the rage was at myself. It was just easier to put all the blame on you instead of facing my own demons."
"Why?" she starts to ask but cuts off when I shake my head.
“When I first saw you again, realized who you were. The girl I adored from my past and thought I had lost forever. I swore that I would do everything in my power to be what you needed this time. I swore to stand by your side no matter what as you did what you had to do to find peace. I was mad at myself for letting my fear get the best of me. For letting it overshadow the promises I had made to myself. I was absolutely pissed that I had failed you yet again.”
I twine our fingers together and rest my forehead against hers, closing my eyes as my own emotions threaten to overwhelm me. “I’m so fucking sorry, Letty. I’m sorry for pushing you to leave. I’m sorry for not being what you needed. I’m sorry for asking for more than you were ready to give. And I’m so fucking sorry for the callous way I treated you in that bar bathroom. I saw you with Declan and thought you had moved on. That you were okay without us. It split my
very soul apart but even still, I hate how I treated you.”
Her gentle touch feathers over my cheeks, my eyebrows, into my hair until she tightens her grip and pulls me back so she can look me in the eye. “We both fucked up,” she whispers. “We both pushed and hurt each other. I hurt you every time I kept you at an arm’s length and that’s not okay either. I was mad too, Kade. So fucking mad at all of you, at myself, at life. But mostly I was just fucking devastated without you. I was barely holding it together.”
I drag my fingers along her forearms and feel her flinch, but she doesn’t stop talking. “I hated every circumstance that pushed us away from each other but in the end, I realized it had to happen.” The tears pool in her eyes threaten to spill over but she swallows against the emotion.
“I was still running away. After all these years, I was still running, never giving myself the chance to heal. I needed to be knocked down to my very lowest, no crutch, no body to hide behind, to really start healing. But I have. I broke down until there was nothing left, leaving me only the option to give up for good or to start healing."
She shakes her head as I press my fingers under her sleeve and lightly trace the raised scars there. Her tears finally spill over, horror flashing on her face. I don't push any further, drawing my fingers back, twisting them around hers and lightly squeezing. "I," she chokes out, "I almost gave up but then I met Declan and he," she hesitates, swallowing, "he helped me start working through it all."
I nod, leaning down to kiss the tears from her cheeks. "I know, Letty. I know and I'm fucking sorry I wasn't there. It's just one more moment that proves your strength, your determination, your fucking ferocity. I'm so proud of you."
She jumps off her table and wraps her arms around my neck, lightly sobbing into my chest. I rub her back, letting her have this moment. I think these scars are the only ones she carries she feels shame over, I want to take that away for her.
As she starts to calm down, I get back to the point of being here tonight. "I really have loved us starting over without all the hurt between us. Doing things differently this time, going slow and being open. But I love our messy past too. All the mistakes, regrets, the barbed wire that surrounds our happily ever after. All of that is part of who we are too, we can't just erase the ugly parts because it hurts to think about them. Which is why I thought we should circle back to the beginning for today's date."
She sniffles and pulls away. "You really have a date planned still?"
I chuckle at her surprise. "Why else would I bring you here?"
She shrugs. "I don't know, just to get away from everyone." I wipe the moisture from her eyes before pulling my phone out and texting Mikey and Ronan that they can come back.
"What do you say, Ladybug? Wanna get tattoos together?"
She smirks, catching on to my plan. I swear she's usually quicker on the uptake. "Only if I can choose yours."
"Deal." I wink at her just as the guys walk in. I gave them a heads up about the tattoo I had planned for Scar and what exactly they would find on her arm. They both walk over and immediately envelope her in hugs passing from one to the other.
I smile as I watch her laugh with them. They were devastated when she disappeared too. Couldn't stop worrying about her once the news started coming in and they figured out what she was doing. This isn't the first time they've seen her, but I think we are all going to just be a little more attached for a while.
"Alright, are you two idiots ready?" Ronan jokes.
Mikey laughs. "At least you aren't drunk as fuck this time." They both pointedly ignore the evidence of her crying which I know she appreciates. I love the light, teasing tone they both take with her. Distracting her from the heaviness of our conversation. It never ceases to amaze me how many people she really does have surrounding her. Ready to go to war for her, be her shoulder to cry on, support her in every way possible.
Ronan throws his arm over her. "Alright, Scar. Let's go talk about what your boy here is gonna get today." He guides her to one of the private rooms as she gets a thoughtful look in her eyes. I wonder if she has any idea how different my idea for today is going to be from our first visit. I hope it doesn't overwhelm her, but we can always pull the plug if it ends up being too much for her.
As soon as the door closes, Mikey looks back to me. "Are you sure you want to do this, man?"
I nod. "I know, it's a lot but I think she needs it."
He nods, assessing my words. "We stop if it's too much," I say definitively.
"Of course," he agrees. He moves over to his work area and pulls out the design we've been working on together for the last few days. I think we've got it perfectly figured out now to say everything I want to say to her and remind her of when she does feel weak. I look over it one more time and smile. Mikey chuckles, "This might be my very best work. Especially with all the little details that hold meaning."
I nod in agreement. "You remember what we talked about for colors?"
He smirks. "Of course I do."
I nod and start to fidget where I stand waiting for her to come back out of the room. I'm more nervous about this than just about anything else. I'm terrified by what her reaction is going to end up being. I'm praying I'm not pushing her too far too fast all over again.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ronan leads me to a private room to decide what tattoo we should give Kade this time. The first time we did this we were drunk, flirting and just having a good time. The tattoos we got reflected that. I branded him with my lips, marking him as mine even if the rest of me wasn't willing to admit it yet.
This time, it already feels different. The air hangs a lot heavier around us with all of the things we talked about and all that is still left unsaid between us. I know he has planned to say more that he decided not to focus on. I know that our conversation didn't go as he envisioned and still, it lifted a weight off of my chest.
Starting over with him is everything that we should have had from the start if life and our own stubbornness hadn't gotten in our way. We are already stronger, more sure, closer. I want the tattoo I give today to show that. Show how far we've come. Brand him with my heart and soul and not just with my body this time. I just have to figure out the right way to do that.
A ladybug?
No, that's cheesy and the simplest part of our relationship. I want something for the messy, the dark, the way we've made each other bleed but still came out on top. I want something that signifies the entire mosaic of us, every fucked up moment, every laugh, every heartfelt touch. I want something that captures it all, but it almost seems impossible.
"Do you know what you want to give him?" Ronan asks as he closes the door behind us. I shake my head, still thinking back on all my favorite memories of him. And some of the less than good ones.
"I'm trying to figure it out," I muse out loud. I fixate on Ronan's shoulder as if somehow, I'll find the answers written across his shoulder. Hmm. Okay well I think I know where I want the tattoo to go, once I figure it out what I want. "It feels different this time," I admit.
Ronan nods. "You both are in very different places and mindsets this time."
"Do you know what I'm getting?" I ask. It's clear that there has been some communication prior to today between the guys. The way they were gone and gave us the chance to talk and neither were surprised at all by the evidence of my slight emotional breakdown, it seemed like they even expected it.
He gives me a sheepish smile. "Kade has been planning this for a bit now. Mikey and I both worked with him to design your tattoo."
The look he gives me makes me nervous. Like there's more to what he's saying than what I'm hearing. "Am I going to like this tattoo?" My voice is strained as I tug down on the sleeves of my shirt. I know Kade purposelessly touched them earlier. I know all the guys have noticed them even if they haven't said anything yet. I'm shocked they haven't but I'm also grateful. I don't know how to talk about those moments where I fell so far below the surface, I couldn't even break th
rough the haze long enough to realize what I was doing.
I don't even know how to put into words what I was thinking or feeling in those moments. The answer to both is nothing. I felt like I was nothing, everything around me was nothing, and I just wanted to feel something, anything.
Ronan assesses me carefully, his eyes flicking down to where I'm rubbing my wrist. "I think it's going to hurt like hell, but you will be better for it. I think it's something you all need even if it feels like the hardest thing you've ever had to do."
I nod, the tears already building again. I knew there had to be a reason they were all letting me get away with not bringing it up. I felt the stares, the knowing looks that passed between them, the fear of leaving me alone. Even though I'm already in a hell of a lot better place than where I was.
"You've got this, Scar. You are one of the most brilliant women I have ever met. Nothing can stop you, not even yourself. Not even your deepest, darkest demons."
Fuck. Of course even Mikey and Ronan know. HIs big arms wrap around me and I sink into his embrace. I missed these two giant teddy bears. They really do give the best hugs and have always been there for me. Being back here with everyone really reminds me of how far I've come. "Britt misses you, you know?"
His rumbling voice surprises me, and I pull back out of his arms to stare up at it. "And why do you know how Britt feels?"
He grins mischievously at me. I know what he's doing, distracting me with good gossip about my friend. I love him all the more for it.
"We might all be getting to know each other a little bit more," he teases.
"Since the club?" I ask and he nods. "And Mikey?" I fire off again. His eyes have an amused glint as he nods again. "Fuckkkk. I think I would pay to watch that."