by Samantha Bee
He pushes me away from him and I swear he has a faint blush climbing his cheeks. How cute. "You fucking perv."
“What? Britt is fucking smoking.”
He laughs. “You have no idea.”
"I bet she's a freak in the sheets, huh?" I gasp, "Ooo we can trade sex position stories now! I need to call her."
He starts cackling before throwing a pencil at my head. I stare at him gaping. He's the one who started this conversation. "Tattoo for Kade?"
Oh yeah, I let him distract me so thoroughly I almost forgot what we were doing here. All of a sudden it hits me, and I know exactly what I want him to get that captures us perfectly. It'll be as bittersweet and healing as anything else I can think of. Hopefully, he agrees too.
"I think I've got it." I grin before explaining to Ronan what I want and where I want it to go. We both look down at the stencil he created, and I see the little smile poking through. "What?"
He laughs as he runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm glad you found them, Scar. You guys are always so freakishly on the same page. The most twisted soulmates I've ever met."
I flush but still manage a smirk. "Who wants sunshine and rainbows anyways? We are all about bullet holes and bloodstreams."
He throws his head back in a cackle. "Damn if that isn't a good description of you and your merry band of psychos."
I wrap my arm around his waist as he leads us back out to where the other two are waiting. "You know, you are a part of the merry band too."
He looks down at me affronted. "The fuck I am!"
"You and Mikey both, totally are," I argue against him. "You come on runs with us, fight in the cages with us, actually ask to watch the footage of my kills." I arch my brow at him as I finish my reasons.
"What are you two going on about?" Kade asks as he pulls me into his arms.
"True or false, stranger?" He looks down at me amused but nods. "Mikey and Ronan are a part of our merry band of psychos."
"True," Mikey and Kade both call out.
I smirk towards Ronan, clearly having won. "False," he stammers, and I roll my eyes. So dramatic.
"They both agree with me," I point out.
"Neither of us have a body count even half of what either of you have," he argues.
"That's why we're the leaders," I snark back.
We all laugh as Kade starts to settle me back onto the table to prepare for the tattoo. Mikey leans behind me and lifts the back part up so I'm sitting up but resting comfortably.
"You ready for this, Ladybug?" I nod, the casual atmosphere dissipating around us. I choke back my nerves and try to find the courage to get through whatever Ronan was trying to warn me about. I'm not surprised at all when Kade grabs my left hand in his and squeezes. "If it's too much at any point, we stop and walk away. Deal?"
I nod, unable to push any words pass the lump in my throat. Fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, and confusion all war within me as he tugs up the sleeve of my shirt to expose the two scars running up the inside of my wrist. I swallow again, forcing myself to stay still and not flinch. Letting Ronan's words run through my head as a means of comfort.
Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's impossible. Just because it hurts, doesn't mean this is the end. The opposite. It's a new beginning and we've learned we can't just brush our issues under the rug like they never happened. We tried that and it almost destroyed us. It did destroy us. Now, we are rebuilding, and we have to do that on a solid foundation. Can't leave this, thing, unsaid between us.
Kade moves his hand to my chin and catches my gaze in his burning green eyes, I can see the depth of his feelings for me there. He's no longer hiding anything from me either, letting me all the way in, feeling cherished even as I want to pull away from this moment and hide, his gaze keeps me locked in. "Trust me, Ladybug."
I nod and turn to look at Ronan. Gesturing back to Kade, silently asking him to get situated so I can forget about the gentle motions of Mikey cleaning and shaving the area for the tattoo they planned.
"Yours is going to take longer, Scar," Mikey warns me.
"That's okay," I smile. Desperate for a distraction I bring up the ammo Ronan gave me. "So, Britt huh?"
All three guys chuckle. I realize now that Ronan wasn't just distracting me for a moment. He was giving me something to focus on as the three bear witness to my biggest sin, my ugliest shame, my most regrettable mistake. I'm thankful every day for whatever snapped me out of that moment. Whatever brought a little piece of me back to myself to remember all the reasons I had to live.
"She misses you," he grumbles. He's always been just a touch more serious than Ronan. I study his face and can see the pain etched into his features as he prepares my forearm. I think back to the fight with Luca after saving Roe. Mikey was the one who silently patched me up. Never spilling any judgement over my decisions but still so clearly affected by my pain.
"I miss her too," I admit in a whisper. I haven't been able to reconnect with Britt in the couple of weeks since I've been home. We've texted but we’ve decided to stay low until we have a plan to deal with Romano. I'm almost only ever at Luca's house or at Joe's place. We still train and go to Steel Roses, the security there sufficient enough to keep us safe. But Britt has been wrapped up in problems of her own.
"How are you going to deal with everything with her?"
Ronan arches his brow at me from where he's working on Kade's chest. I'm excited to see how it turns out. Even more excited to see his reaction to what he will now have lying directly above his heart. He throws me a wink when he catches me staring and I roll my eyes back at him. I can already feel the smugness radiating off of him based on the placement alone. He may just be unbearable once he sees what I've done.
It's hard not to look down to see what the guys have put together to go over my scars, but I really do want to be surprised so I do my best to keep my eyes up. I go back to looking at Mikey and staring expectantly, waiting for an answer.
"What do you mean?" he finally sighs.
"Well, are you guys just fucking? More?" I narrow my eyes at him. "You better not just be using her. I mean unless the using is mutual, then it's okay." They both shake their heads at me but it's Mikey who responds first. "It's more, nosey ass."
I smile lecherously. "Great. So have you had the whole "We are actually a part of a team of bloodthirsty psychos" talk yet, or what?"
Ronan scoffs, "How the fuck would we have said that to her yet?" Mikey on the other hand though just narrows his eyes at me. "You told Noah and Declan everything yet?"
"They know...some," I defend. Kade laughs and I wish I was close enough to slap him. Fucking bastard. "I'm taking this as you haven't told her?"
They both groan, "Neither of us know how to really bring it up. It's not only our secret," Mikey grumbles. And Ronan scoffs, "And it's a big fucking secret, you know?"
I laugh. "Bring her to the fights. She already knows a bit about those." I shrug.
"We are not taking her to the fucking fights," they both growl at me.
"Why the fuck not? She will be fine. She would stay top level." She already knows we have some level of involvement there and they really are the least worrisome aspect of our criminal side of things.
"We are in the middle of a war, Scar," Mikey scolds.
"I know that." I try to contain the eyeroll only because they seem to be thinking about what's in her best interest. "Look, Britt is not dumb, and she's been my friend for some time. She knows I'm involved in some shady shit. Better for her to know that the threat might swing her way than try to protect her from the harsh reality we live in."
I lay back and let them ponder my words in silence before the banter begins once more. It's no secret anyone associated with any single one of us is now at risk. While Britt is low on the list of likely targets, better for her to be prepared than not. I should start training her too.
I doze off for a little while, calmed by the gentle buzz of the tattoo gun. The prickle and scrape bringing me an odd se
nse of comfort as it always has. Something about the pain from a new tattoo really is cathartic. Even the stinging with every swipe that Mikey has to do over the raw skin as he works.
A hesitant touch to my cheek draws my eyes back open and I meet the softest smile I've ever seen from Kade as he stands over me, still shirtless. Oh!
My eyes pop open a little wider as my eyes start to wander down his chest. There. Wow. It looks even better than I imagine it would. I wasn't sure how it would turn out when I described it to Ronan, but I shouldn't have been concerned at all.
The words are beautiful and clear, the thin barbed wire wrapped through them only drawing more attention to the meaning behind them.
"Can I look now?" he asks, and I nod, tears already filling my eyes. I love how perfect it turned out. I never expected so much emotion to come out of today. Kade's dates have been mostly fun with teasing and some open conversation about our pasts and feelings but we haven't dived this deep on any of them.
Ronan snaps a quick photo and hands the phone to him so that he can see the words now permanently marked into his skin. Hopefully, he doesn't hate it. His eyes trace the quote as he whispers it out loud. "You could destroy me a hundred times and I would still beg for more. You are the sweetest torture, the most exquisite pain. The only rain I want to dance in."
His mouth parts open, as he stares at me in shock. "This." He shakes his head. "These words," he can't quite get past that, so I give him a small smile. "They're the words you said to me that night. They replayed in my mind on a never ending loop. Urging me to be braver for you."
He swallows as I see the range of emotions flashing through his eyes. I chew on my lip that he may not like it. It's a reminder of one of our lowest moments but those words are seared on the inside of my brain. "And the barbed wire?" he chokes out.
I smirk. "All the mistakes, regrets, the barbed wire that surrounds our happily ever after." I quote him once again.
"Well, holy shit," he gasps. "I think the most shocking part of all this is that you actually can listen."
I laugh and roll my eyes, but I can't do much else without risking fucking Mikey up and I’d really rather not have a fucked up tattoo on my arm. As much shit as they all give me about not being good with emotion, they all are just as good at deflection as I am.
Kade laughs with me and scooches in to sit next to me as he watches the tattoo he planned come together. I close my eyes so I can resist the temptation of looking, and tease back and forth with Kade and the guys.
We feel more like ourselves in this moment than I think we ever really have. Even before I left, we had an easy closeness, a casual ease in how we interacted but it's different now. Every touch, every word, every look, they all weigh heavier on me. No longer a summer breeze to distract myself for a little while but a strong wind that cleanses me every time it rushes through me. I'll never be whole. I'll never go back to who I once was. I'll never be able to walk away from the bloodshed, from the chaos. There will never be a day where I won't be the psycho they love to tease me about being. But with every rush of new emotion, with every breath of fresh air my men blow into me, with every day we grow, I learn to love that about myself just a little bit more.
I lay like that, soaking up every bit of this moment I can while it lasts. I hum along as they talk over me until finally, I hear the gun turn off and feel the final swipe as Mikey cleans it up. Kade kisses my forehead as I slowly open my eyes. I take a deep breath and he nods in encouragement.
The hardest part about this was just letting him even expose the scars. Admitting that it was something that happened. Feeling their eyes trace along the evidence of my damage. I made it through the hardest part. Now I just have to look down and see how Kade decided to cover it up.
I fortify my strength before looking down. My eyes trace up and down my new ink and I gasp as tears blur my vision. I furiously rub my eyes because I want to stare at the masterpiece that has taken place of my ultimate weakness.
Right there, in front of me, a beautiful butterfly spreads her wings wide on my forearm. The black of her body completely covers the thicker scar, making it appear so realistic, it almost appears to be three dimensional. The second scar blends into her wing and one of the roses that surrounds her. It's still visible if you look for it, especially where the wing is slightly torn at the beginning of the scar. She's damaged but still beautiful.
A vibrant blue, I almost didn't believe was possible in a tattoo. Not that I should be surprised by Mikey's talent anymore. The edges of her wings are black, then a royal blue until it fades into lighter shades as we get back to the center. The wings closest to the body are threaded with subtle green to give it an affect similar to Roe's eyes. Our little butterfly.
Tears freely stream as I move my arm back and forth to study more details. Three dark roses surround the butterfly. So dark they're almost black except they're threaded with blue as well. The shading is stunning, they look so realistic, I can almost feel the silky texture of their petals. I study the leaves and the tears start coming even harder.
Kade pulls me up and rearranges me in his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist and nuzzling his face into my throat. He whispers, "You're the strongest person we know but no one can be strong all the time. You don't need to be made of iron and ice anymore, Scar. When you can't do it anymore, we will be your strength, your landing place, your home. Be weak with us, be soft, be vulnerable. Let the weight of the world that lies on your shoulders, go. We will hold it up while you take a break. If you need to fall apart, do it in our arms because we will make it okay again. No matter what we have to do. When you have nothing left to give, take from us. When it hurts to survive, let us take the pressure off you. We will be your everything and when you need to be nothing, we will be nothing with you. Just never leave again. Especially not like this," he squeezes my arm.
"It's a reminder of all that you have built, all that you have to live for. The family we've made. Most of all for her. For Rowan you have to stay here. Even if you falter and stumble along the way, all that we need is for you to be here."
There in the shading and veining of the leaves a letter on each one. K. L. N. R. and D.
I smile through my tears and let the sobs suffocating me break through as I stare at the true piece of artwork they all put together. Kade nuzzles me, placing gentle kisses down my neck and shoulder. It's so much more than I ever could have expected. "You included Declan," I gasp out when I finally catch my breath enough to. "Does this mean you accept him?"
"Hmm," he hums. "I guess it does." He hesitates before smacking a wet kiss against my shoulder before continuing, "But the D totally stands for Douchecanoe."
And just like that, I'm laughing as hard as I am crying. If that doesn't sum up Kade and I, I don't know what does.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Kade grabs my hand in his as soon as we walk out the doors leading to the street. Having my big guy back as mine is like another piece of myself clicking back into place. Every date we've gone on has eased the ache in my chest for him but not until this moment did I really realize just how far down the wrong path we both strayed.
My big guy has always hidden his true feelings from me, and I never wanted to let him in, even though I constantly was. We both took so many missteps after reconnecting, but it finally feels like we needed all the mistakes to get where we are.
As we walk past the alleyway, he yanks me into it and presses me against the wall. I chuckle, looking up at him through my lashes, "Recreating every part of our first date?"
"Not exactly, Letty," he whispers, none of the playful attitude I expected. I blink before raising my face up to his, studying the expression on his face as he does the same to me. "The others are going to want to talk when we get home," he explains. I nod, I expected that. I knew we were going to eventually talk about my greatest mistake.
"I need just a little more time, just the two of us," he continues. I reach up and stroke his face. I know how selfish I am. To
want all of them, to need all of them. To leave and come back with Declan the way I did. I spent so long denying what I needed, I can't ever go back to that and I do need all of them. I don't think I would ever be whole without them, but I never want them to doubt their place in my heart either.
"There's always time for just us, Stranger," I promise, running my fingertips down the scar on his face.
A ghost of a smile takes over his handsome face, but it lacks everything that makes Kade, Kade. "What do you need, Kade? Tell me and I'll give it to you."
Something flashes in his green eyes that I don't quite understand. "You," he grunts. "All I need is you, Ladybug."
I tilt my head as he twists a strand of my hair around his fingers. Fear uncurls in my gut. "And I need all of you," my voice comes out hoarse as I force the words out. "Do you hate me for needing all of you?"
He drops my hair and grips my biceps as he pushes me closer into the wall, wedging his knee between my thighs. "Do you really think I would have had all our initials inked onto your skin if I felt that way?" I shake my head, my eyes flicking down to my plastic wrapped forearm. "I could never truly hate you, Scar. Never." He says it with such conviction, I can't help but believe him. Still, he's hesitating. "I just," he pauses, "I need to ask one thing."
I wait for him to continue but when he doesn't, I gently nudge him. His eye flick back and forth between mine and the wall behind me, indecisiveness in every action. After several more silent moments he finally caves. His head collapses to lay on my shoulder, his breath fanning my neck, creating a rush of goosebumps swell on the exposed skin there. "You chose Luca," he chokes out. "When we were just teens, you chose Luca and left me."
A gasp is pulled from my throat unbidden. I never thought of it like that. Once again, guilt clenches at my heart as I think of all that I've put this man through. I'm already shaking my head, "I didn't choose, Kade. I could never choose." The emotion chafes my already raw throat, causing my voice to come out even huskier than normal. "I was attacked and ran to the apartment," I explain as I get lost in the memory of one of the worst days of my life. "You were at work and Luca was there. That's the only reason."