Deadly Chaos (Steel Roses Book 2)

by Samantha Bee

  He pulls back, looking at me with shock, "That's it? Just coincidence?"

  I nod, tears pooling in my eyes already. I'm so fucking tired of feeling this emotional. I hate the water that drips down my face with a passion, but I let Kade see them, knowing he deserves this. He deserves to know how much I regret the decisions I've made. "I loved you both," I admit in a whisper. He rears back, still keeping me in his grip. I had never acknowledged that to him or even Luca after that day. "I really did," I repeat. "I hated leaving you and I will always regret it, regret hurting you, but I can't regret where we are now." I look pointedly at his chest where his new tattoo lies, before flicking my gaze down to my own. "I love every bit of our fucked up mess, because it's us."

  He releases my arms and cups my cheeks in his big hands. I've missed the calloused feeling of them on my body. He presses his forehead against mine as I continue, "You and me. Where chaos reigns and we fucking love it. Where we relish the darkest parts of ourselves. The most twisted soulmates there ever was. I could never choose one of you over the other. I never will," I promise him.

  I see the emotion brimming in his eyes as my own fills me up so much, I feel as if it's going to explode out of me. My throat tightens, my tongue feels heavy, my breath speeds up as I lock eyes with him. "Kade, I need you. I will never not need my big guy, my stranger, my partner in crime. I've fucking missed you and I can't live without you."

  "Letty," he chokes out. So much emotion in that one single nickname. It amazes me how loved he can make me feel with a simple word, a single touch, just one look.

  The feeling bubbling up inside me threatens to overwhelm me as I finally realize what it is, "I fucking love you, Kade Meyers." I hadn't planned to say it. Hadn't ever really thought about it. How foreign a concept love is to me now. Nothing but relief floods my system as the words leave my mouth.

  Kade's lips slam against mine, rough, demanding, consuming. He kisses me without restraint, with a passion I've yet to experience from him. His tongue dominates mine as he twists it around mine in slow, purposeful motions. Every sweep, a claim. He presses even closer to my body as the rough brick of the wall behind me bites into my shoulders and his thigh puts an exquisite pressure against my rapidly heating core. I grind against his leg as his fingers thread into my hair, pulling and positioning me just where he wants me so he can kiss me even deeper.

  Fuck. I can't remember the last time I was kissed so thoroughly. I get lost in his kiss, never having enough of this feeling. He's making up for the months of missed kisses all with this one single kiss.

  When he finally withdraws from me, we are both left panting, chests heaving, eyes locked. I'm so worked up, I think one touch could push me over the edge. We stand there, a hair's breadth away from each other, just soaking in every ounce of this moment and each other.

  The brightest smile I've ever seen overtakes his face and I feel my heart skip a beat. My mouth parts open in astonishment. This genuine smile lights him up so bright, I can't believe just how fucking beautiful he is. I can't keep my own smile from forming on my face.

  "I love you, Scarlett Everhart," he whispers, still with that brilliant grin stretched across his face. A surprised laugh escapes me as he drops his arms to hold me around my waist. His own laughter wraps around me like a warm blanket as he picks me up in his arms and spins me around.

  Elation fills me as I focus on the sound of our combined happiness and the feeling of being in Kade's arms once again. A perfect moment amidst all of our darkness.

  Yeah, I wouldn't change any of our fucked up pieces because at the end of all of it, we fit fucking perfectly together.

  Holy hell.

  I'm nervous as fuck. More than I probably should be when I'm just seeing the men who have been imprinted on my soul. Maybe that's the exact reason why I can feel the anxiety clawing up my throat, desperate to steal every ounce of oxygen from my lungs.

  "Just breathe, Ladybug," Kade whispers in my ear. His comforting scent wraps around me and I turn to bury my noise in his chest, careful to avoid his new ink. I inhale the scent so unique to my big guy, my stranger. Bergamot with the slightest hint of baby powder from how much he uses it in training.

  "We all care about you, Scar. We just want to help and support you. However that looks." His fingers gently tug on my hair at the nape of my neck until I'm forced to look up at him.

  "I know," I admit, and I really do. I know that we have to at least acknowledge how low I fell but...

  I don't fucking know. I don't want to see the pain in their eyes at my decisions. The disappointment. I don't want to share my biggest shame with them. I haven't discussed it with Declan even though he's brought the scars up. It was the reason he started teaching me different ways to work through my panic attacks.

  "Same rules, Ladybug," he murmurs as he pushes my hair behind my ear. "If at any point it becomes too much, we stop and walk away. Together. Okay?"

  I sigh, trying to release all of the pent up frustration and nerves. "I know," I whisper. "I just don't want to hurt you guys any more than I already have."

  He wraps his arms around me tighter, squeezing me as if he can force strength into my veins. "We are always going to hurt for you, Letty. With you.” His lips press to my temple as his words sink into my core, fortifying my strength. “They all already know,” he assures me. “They know what we did today. We all talked about it.” I’m not really all that surprised to hear the words but still, knowing them as truth settles the beast of anxiety that is sitting on my chest. “No one is disappointed in you. We just all need to make sure you're okay now."

  I take a deep breath. "Okay, let's do this." I force myself to pull out of his arms and push through the door. I walk straight to the living room where the rest of the guys are all sitting around in varying states of anxiety. Even Declan is here. The fact they included him settles me. Having all five of them surrounding me gives me a sense of home more than anything else possibly could.

  I sit in the middle of the couch between Noah and Declan. Noah is quick to gently pull me into his lap and bury his face in my neck. A sigh of relief escapes me at his familiar warmth. They all still want me. I see the heavy concern in D's eyes before I let my eyes wander around the room to take in the rest of the guys. I lock eyes with each one and see the worry and pain there. We have to talk about this so at the very least they can understand I'm not in the same place that I was.

  I sigh, flicking my eyes away from all of them as I focus on a blank space on the wall behind Luca's head. "I guess you all know what I did."

  I can feel myself detaching, trying to get through this conversation. I don't want to see them suffer anymore because of me. Even when I don't mean to hurt them, it seems to be all that I do. I can't make myself look at them, but I don't have to know that they are all trading looks with each other. Debating on how to handle this conversation, how to handle me. Will I ever not just be a burden on them?

  All of a sudden, I feel myself being lifted out of my Noah's arms and turned around. I squeeze my eyes shut not wanting to come face to face with any of them yet. The room stays quiet as they all let me have my moment. I think they all can sense that this isn't the time for any of them to push me.

  I finally open my eyes and find myself nose to nose with Declan as I straddle his lap. I inhale sharply at finding myself so close to him. The sound is almost deafening in the heavy silence that hangs around the room.

  My eyes trace over his every feature, something new wrapping around the organ that beats in my chest. Declan has become such a huge part of my life since that night. I can't imagine ever giving him up now, but how is it that I never realized just how truly beautiful he is. My heart beats to an irregular rhythm as my eyes stop their path as I stare at his full lips. He's quick to pull them up into a little smirk as he watches me. I want to lean even closer to him, get lost in him and never have to think about what I almost did again.

  Oh fuck. I am so fucked.

  By the look in his eyes, he
knows it too.

  I clear my throat, trying to break the tension of this moment.

  He bumps his nose against mine gently, not letting me escape. "Don't detach. Don't retreat. Remember, pretty girl? Hurting doesn't have to be a bad thing. Sometimes we have to open old wounds to disinfect our souls. Re-break our bones so we can set them properly. We are all here to catch you, so let go of that control you hold onto so viciously."

  I nod slowly, finding the words crawling out of my mouth, almost without thought. I keep my eyes locked on Declan's as I start the only place I know to. "It was the night I first met you." Something flashes in his eyes and for some reason, I don't get the feeling he's surprised by my words as he nods. He places a gentle kiss on my forehead before lifting me off of his lap and turning me around to face the room once more. I know that I can't cut off from them for this conversation.

  I focus on the gentle tugs of my hair as Declan runs his fingers through it. Noah observes us for a second longer before moving closer and starts tracing patterns on my thigh. Between both of their ministrations, I find the strength to meet Luca's eyes.

  "I've never really been alone," I admit. "Growing up, I was surrounded by people and even when I lost all of that, I had you both." I flick my eyes to Kade where he's leaning against the wall. "When I ran," I say and flinch, pausing my words. "Back then," I clarify, "Luca came with me and he's been by my side ever since. I've never been alone. Never been so consumed by guilt and rage and grief and not have someone to turn to."

  I let my eyes wander around all of them. "I had so many regrets immediately after I left. I was drowning in all these negative emotions. I couldn't even figure out which way to swim to try and break the surface of them all." I close my eyes as I think about that day in the shower one more time. I've avoided thinking about it at all, but I have to in order to give them what they deserve.

  "I always thought I was independent. Thought I could do it on my own. I thought revenge was the only thing I needed." I swallow roughly, not wanting to cry anymore. I don't need to let tears fall for this moment to be any more important. I've had enough of the infernal fucking water that insists on leaking from my eyes.

  "But when I was alone, I had nothing to anchor me to reality, nothing tethering me so I wouldn’t get lost in the storm of my own creation. Nothing was the same without all of you by my side.”

  I get lost in the memories of the time I spent alone. Even the ghost of those feelings is enough to make my throat feel raw and my chest feel tight. “Every day, I fell further and further away from anyone that I recognized. Every day more and more chipped away at me until I couldn't feel anything at all. And when I did, it was guilt and regret and," I hesitate, leaning further back into Declan, "loneliness."

  I sigh, weighing my words, knowing I can’t be a hundred percent honest in this moment because of all my secrets. “Even with everything I was accomplishing towards my goals, it just wore down on me instead of revitalizing me.”

  I look down at the plastic wrap around my wrist, only seeing peaks of the black and blue ink below. Something, someone, a lot of someone’s to live for. A beautiful, devastating reminder to never let myself fall that low again.

  I close my eyes as I picture the bathroom in my mind, the way the blood splashed against the stark white of the floor. The way my thoughts seemed a second slower than my actions. The pink flush of my skin from the heat of the shower.

  “It wasn’t even a fully thought out plan, idea? I don’t fucking know.” My body sags forward as I try to put into words all that I was thinking and feeling. “I was desperate to feel something, anything. Desperate to just turn it all off. The doubts, the insecurities, the overwhelming sense of guilt and failure. I didn’t even fully realize what I was doing until the blood was dripping down my wrist.”

  I choke back the emotions clogging my throat. “I felt mostly just fascinated,” I confess, a knife twisting in my gut. “I was so disconnected from what was happening. From what I was doing to myself.”

  I shake my head and try to clear it. Finally gaining the courage to look around at my men. I see the devastation I expected in all of their features but also… understanding. Far more understanding than I ever could have expected from any of them.

  “It wasn't,” I start to explain, shaking my head again. I can hear the emotions in my voice, making it huskier and more strained as I continue to force words out even as my throat tightens. “It wasn’t as bad as it seems,” I plead for them to understand. “I barely even lost any blood, never got dizzy or anything. The cuts didn’t even need stitches.”

  Declan coughs behind me and I almost forgot I was still sitting on his lap. I look over my shoulder and narrow my eyes at him. “You should have gotten stitches. That’s why the scars are as bad as they are. They would have been much less noticeable with proper care.”

  I roll my eyes. Of course he had to interject with things like logic, and reason, and you know, medical facts. “My point was, I didn't go far enough to cause real damage. It looks and sounds worse than it could have been.”

  Luca stalks over to me and yanks me up until he's able to wrap his arms under my ass and pull me further into him. Instinctually, I wrap my legs around his waist so I can sit comfortably in his arms. I loosely wrap my arms around his neck, thankful to be this close to him.

  “Any damage done to you, is too fucking much. Even if it’s you inflicting it,” he growls, and my heart skips a beat. I wonder if I’ll ever not be amazed by his devotion to me. I nod to agree with him because what else can I really do?

  “I mean it, Scar,” he emphasizes. “You’ve hurt more than a lifetime's worth. No more.”

  I smile at the fire burning in his ebony eyes. “Bossman,” I tease. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

  He growls again. “It is if I say it is.”

  I know how serious he is, but I can’t help but chuckle. I’m not the only one either. I hear snickers sound out from around the room at his declaration. Instead of arguing more though, I lean in and give him a sweet, lingering kiss. Nothing like the plundering kisses we usually share. Nothing desperate or hungry, even though I’m both for him. In this moment, it’s about reassurance, understanding, and yeah, I guess love too. It’s not the time to say it though, not with everyone here.

  I pull back marginally just to take his bottom lip between my teeth and give him a taunting little bite before releasing it. He grins as he lifts one hand away from holding me up only to bring it back, landing a sharp spank on my ass that rings through the room.

  I jump in his arms and laughter spills out of me. It only takes a moment before some of the tension in the room bleeds out and more chuckles sound from each one of them, joining me in this small moment of reprieve from all our demons.

  Luca kisses my forehead just as I feel another warm body press up against my back. He loosens a grip just enough so that it's easy for Noah to take me into his arms, without my feet ever hitting the floor. More laughter escapes me as they pass me as if I'm a child between them.

  I guess there really aren't any issues with them sharing me. My eyes move to Declan over Noah's shoulder and my laughter tapers off. He gives a subtle nod and small smile, always able to reassure me with the smallest of gestures.

  I rest my head against Noah's shoulder and press my lips against his neck, flicking my tongue out to lightly tease his skin. I can feel his body vibrate as he laughs at my antics. It just feels so good to be surrounded by them all again. I can't help but feel more whole. Especially now that Kade is mine once more. Mine. That shouldn't sound as good as it does but fuck, it's perfect.

  I guess no one can really be surprised I've turned into a possessive fucker. It took a lot of hard work to get where we are. I would kill any bitch who thought they could take that away from us now. No hesitation.

  "Baby girl, are you really okay now?" His voice comes out hoarse and rough.

  I nod but I can still feel how much apprehension he's holding on to in his body. I
lean back to look into his in the eyes, focusing only on him for a moment, even if my words will be heard by all of them. "I'm never not going to be. I'm never not going to be broken. It's who I am now but I get stronger every day."

  I hold his blue eyes for a long moment before meeting each of their eyes before I continue. “I thought I was as broken as I could be. I thought that everything that I had gone through had worn me down to the very bone and I had nothing left to lose.” I hang my head, scoffing to myself at how naive I still was after all the shit I had been through. “I was wrong.” The words come out barely a whisper, as I bring my hand up to Noah’s face.

  I put pressure on his shoulder, and he gets the hint to put me back on the floor. I feel like I need to stand on my own two feet for this. “I had so much still to lose. The peace you give me.” My fingers trail down his arm before I turn to Luca. I grasp his hand and bring it to my lips as I brush over them gently. “The strength you draw out of me.”

  I turn and meet Kade’s eyes. We already had our moment, but he still needs this. I smirk as I reach his side, my fingers running through his hair. “The ability to laugh even as the world falls apart around us.” He laughs and I give him a little wink before turning away.

  I sigh as I reach Ryder. He looks so unsure if he should even be here. Regardless of the level of attraction between us, or lack thereof, he’s still family. I take both of his hands in my own as I drop to my knees in front of where he sits on the couch. He sits up straighter as he leans more into me. “Someone who just fucking gets it.” I squeeze his hands in mine as emotions swirl in his green depths. I would love to get lost in his eyes. The unique color calling to me, drawing me more into him.

  I force myself to pull back just slightly and shrug. “You just understand,” I tell him. “The crazy emotions that ricochet through me sometimes. You get it. I see them in you too.”