The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  Harold opened the door and let her inside. She assured him she had another key, paid him from an emergency fund she kept in her wardrobe and ushered him out. Then, locking the door and bolting it for good measure, she staggered into the bathroom and threw up.

  Running the shower, she peeled her clothes off. Her ribs were badly bruised and she had a cut on her elbow, which was where the blood on her clothes appeared to have come from. When it came to removing her underwear, she began to sob. Praying she hadn’t been raped, she was relieved to see there were no stains, nor was she cut or bruised down below.

  She scrubbed her skin as if the action could wash away the shame.

  As she came out of the bathroom, her landline was ringing. She contemplated leaving it but decided she’d better answer. It was Ruth, wondering if she was OK.

  ‘I’ve had a lady in just now. She found your handbag last night. Your phone is still in there along with your keys. But it seems your wallet is gone.’

  ‘Oh thank God,’ Ava said, her voice wobbling. ‘I had my bag snatched and I was knocked to the pavement in the process,’ she said, the lie tripping off her tongue.

  ‘Poor you,’ Ruth said. ‘Will I call anyone for you?’

  ‘No. Thanks, though. I’ll be there in about an hour. Can you plug my phone into charge?’

  Ava knew Ruth was a little bewildered by her reaction, but she couldn’t deal with telling her the truth.

  She made coffee and set about cancelling her credit cards. As she was making the calls, her landline rang again. This time it was the police. It appeared she had emptied all her accounts the night before. But the fact that she’d used the same ATM machine and each card from her wallet consecutively had raised an alarm.

  ‘We have CCTV footage of you and the man who was forcing you to do this.’

  ‘Oh dear Lord,’ she said weakly. ‘I can’t remember a single thing.’ She agreed to speak to the police and said she’d be at the station that afternoon.

  As she tried to come to terms with what had happened, Ava knew she’d come to the end of the line with her current life. She needed help, and soon. As soon as she was dressed, she drove to the place she’d secretly frequented for the past seventeen years. To speak to the one person who always understood.

  Chapter 17

  Clara made a pot of coffee and sat with Nathalie as she told her about her upcoming date with Conor.

  ‘Ah yes, he’s a bit of a character, to say the least. But he’s a good boy. I’m glad you’re going to hear some traditional music tonight. You’ll enjoy that.’

  ‘Am I crazy to say that I find him super-hot too?’ Nathalie asked suddenly.

  Clara smiled. ‘You and the rest of the female population of Lochlann,’ she said. ‘He’s quite a soccer player, you know? Plays for the county and swims at a competitive level too.’

  ‘So that’s where the muscles and that divine body come in,’ Nathalie mused.

  ‘I’m an old lady, I won’t comment,’ Clara said with a smirk. ‘But suffice it to say I can appreciate why you might find him easy on the eye.’

  Once they’d finished their snack, Clara said she was going to do some gardening.

  ‘Would you mind if I go to the sewing room and do a bit of quilting?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘Of course not. I’d be delighted to see you doing that, my dear.’

  The box of letters was calling to her. Nathalie peeled the next one from the pile and took it to a part of the room where Oma couldn’t spot her if she happened to be passing outside.

  19 January 1938

  Dear Lukas

  The most incredible day has come to pass. Our baby is here. She is my reminder that our love wasn’t all a dream. She has my soft brown curls and your blazing blue eyes. She is us, my darling. She is the most precious gift imaginable. As soon as I held her, I felt as if some of the fractured pieces of my life have been restored. I wish you could be here to gaze at her rosebud mouth and stroke her soft, peachy skin. You would adore her, Lukas. I know she would sleep even more soundly if you were here playing Handel or Mendelssohn for her.

  The labour was difficult and I have never been so terrified. I called out for you and longed to ask Alina to contact you. But I knew that would not be fair. It was, without doubt, the most rewarding sixteen hours of my life. She is healthy, beautiful and completely perfect in every way.

  After a night of sleeplessness due to the elation at becoming a mother and constantly staring at her tiny features, I have decided to name her Clara. It means bright and shiny, and she is the product of our love, which was brilliant and vivid. I hope you like this name. It suits her so well.

  The snow has silenced the village for over six weeks now. I am cosy and warm here. Alina and Frank have been incredibly kind and I know I shouldn’t feel blue. But when I look at Clara, all the love I felt for you comes flooding back. Even though my belly was growing by the week, I used to wonder if I dreamed you in my head. Did I actually imagine our relationship? You see, it is so incredible to me that you would love me back. I will not contact you, however, my darling. That would not be fair. You are my destiny, but I am aware that I am not yours. You are fated for higher things.

  I am desperately sorry that you will not see Clara grow up, because she is your masterpiece. Of that I am certain. But this painful choice I am making is for your benefit.

  Jacob is the sweetest little boy. He has fallen in love with Clara and I know he will make the most wonderful companion for her. She will never be alone and she will always know love. For that I will be eternally grateful.

  I miss you every day, Lukas. I hope you are moving on with your life and that you have found love once more. Perhaps you have taken Liza’s hand in marriage and you are planning a life together. I wish you love. I wish you happiness.

  I love you as much as I did the day we met.

  Hannah

  ‘So it was you, Oma,’ Nathalie whispered. It all started to make sense. The frightened girl was her great-grandmother.

  Her mind whirred as she tried to take it all in. In the letters, Hannah had been the same age as Nathalie was now. She looked around the increasingly familiar sewing room. This house and this place were so welcoming, yet she’d found it kind of scary to come here. How terrified poor Hannah must’ve been. She had Alina and Frank, who were clearly being awesome. But she had no parents and no Lukas.

  So far the story of Hannah and Lukas was the most incredible story she’d ever read, but to know they were actually related to her made it all so much more meaningful.

  She knew Oma could walk in at any moment, but now that she knew who Hannah was, Nathalie had to read one more letter. Placing the one she had just read carefully back in the box, she plucked out the next one, together with its translation. For the first time, she looked properly at the English writing. It matched Oma’s writing, she realised as she glanced at her sewing notes. So Oma had translated all this precious correspondence.

  August 1938

  Dear Lukas

  I have made a heartbreaking decision. Our beautiful Clara is seven months old. She is sitting steadily and has a smile as big as the moon. I want to give her the world. I want her to have a better life than I can provide with my limited resources.

  Alina and Frank have been endlessly kind and generous with both time and funds. But they too are struggling to put food on the table. I have tried to no avail to find cleaning work locally. The village of Brixental is too small to offer much employment. Also, Herr Hitler is taking over. Since February he has occupied Austria and is determined to cleanse the country. He is ordering his Nazi party to exterminate all Jews. My presence in Alina and Frank’s Catholic home is a danger. I cannot ignore the fact that I could cause their demise. If they are found harbouring me, they are certain to be punished.

  As per Herr Hitler’s rules, I, along with all other Jews over the age of fifteen, must register and take an identity card. This card will tell soldiers of my Jewish status. In turn I will be forbidden to
work.

  Alina and Frank have offered to take care of Clara. I am going to the city to take a post. This job is with some people who are distant relatives of Frank. He has not told them I am a Jew and they have not asked. When I have the price of our fare accumulated, I will return for Clara and take her to America. There are opportunities there and we may start a new life, away from the horror that is unfolding here.

  Jacob is besotted with Clara. It is the sweetest thing I have ever encountered. He plays with her and teaches her non-stop. I know it will tear at my heart to walk away from here and leave our daughter behind. But I have no choice.

  It comforts me somewhat to realise that Alina, Frank and Jacob adore Clara so.

  I hope that it will not be long before I return.

  You are still in my heart, where you will always remain as my one true love.

  Hannah

  Tears rolled down Nathalie’s cheeks as she read the words. Hannah had had to leave her baby behind? The sense of anguish in her great-grandmother’s letter weighed heavily on her heart. She couldn’t read any more today.

  Replacing the letter, she returned to her quilt and worked on autopilot, grateful that she had something to do with her hands to help occupy her mind. This story was becoming more and more painful, and now it was personal too. How would it all end?

  Ava kept her head down as she walked out of the police station. She hoped no one she knew was around to see her. She felt so sordid. As it turned out, the man who had robbed and beaten her was known to the police and had been convicted previously for causing grievous bodily harm. He was on parole and the police assured her he’d soon be right back behind bars.

  Knowing she’d had a lucky escape, Ava shuddered as she tried not to let her imagination run wild. One thing was for sure: she wasn’t going to allow a situation like last night to arise again. She had to sort herself out.

  She made her way to the shop and collected her phone before walking towards her mother’s house. The police had given her the number of a counsellor in case she felt traumatised by her ordeal. What she didn’t want to point out was that there was a whole host of demons that she needed to exorcise too.

  Dialling the number, she was surprised when the secretary told her there was an appointment available the following day.

  ‘Really?’ she said.

  ‘We try to fit trauma cases in immediately,’ the woman explained. Ava booked the session and hung up, wondering how it might all pan out. Knowing that her mother would worry, if she didn’t hear from her she called the house to let her know she was up to her tonsils at the shop.

  ‘Hello?’ Nathalie’s voice came on the line.

  ‘Hi,’ Ava said, wincing. She would hate her niece to know what had happened after they’d parted company last night.

  ‘Aunt Ava,’ Nathalie said, sounding delighted. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she lied. ‘I was just calling to say that I think I have some sort of bug. You weren’t sick, were you?’

  ‘No,’ Nathalie said.

  ‘Oh good, just a bug in that case, I suspect. Would you mind letting Mama know that I’ve gone home to bed and not to worry. I’ll probably be off air for the rest of the day.’

  ‘Sure,’ Nathalie agreed. ‘But call if you need anything, won’t you?’

  ‘I will.’

  Nathalie walked out to the garden to let Clara know Ava’s news.

  ‘Oh, that’s not nice. Did she say if she needed me to go to the shop for a while? I’m sure Ruth needs a bit of a break.’

  ‘Sorry, she didn’t say,’ Nathalie said.

  ‘Not to worry, I’m sure Ruth will call if she needs me. She usually does,’ Clara said. ‘I’m going to continue with weeding this bed if you’re all right inside?’

  Nathalie said she needed to wash her hair for her date with Conor that night. She was relieved when Clara didn’t question her too much. Yet again she marvelled at how different Oma was to her mom. Amber would need to know every minute detail of what Nathalie was doing and when she wanted to do it.

  Oma, on the other hand, was so cool about it all. You never knew what she was really thinking.

  Chapter 18

  As soon as Clara was engrossed in her gardening once more, Nathalie found the next letter and braced herself for news of Hannah.

  March 1943

  Dear Lukas

  As you will know, the Nazi party is continuing to brainwash, ransack and murder Jewish communities. I have fled several places of work in terror as my employers discovered I am a Jew and threatened to turn me over to the authorities.

  Long gone are my girlish plans to travel to America. I am no longer looking for a place to earn money but rather one that will allow me to work in exchange for being permitted to live.

  I am expected to wear a star on my clothing, and Hitler has insisted that all Jewish women be addressed as Sarah and all men as Israel. I do not attempt to make friends any longer. It is far too dangerous, as I am not certain who I can trust. This world I am living in is beyond terrifying. I have seen things I wish I could wipe from my psyche. The atrocities that are being reported are entirely heartbreaking. I have witnessed Jews being dragged from houses to be beaten and even raped on the streets.

  There are many ghettos and underground areas where entire families huddle like starved and frightened rats. I am not willing to join them just yet. Those places are the most volatile and suffer the most attacks from soldiers. The people who live there are mostly educated and once wealthy folk who have had their homes and businesses destroyed. This is the cruellest outcome I could ever imagine for any human being. How can people become so animalistic, Lukas?

  I have only stayed for single nights in these ghetto communities. I feel that movement offers me the most safety. It is all about survival now. I have managed to go from job to job by hiding my star in my coat and pretending to be Catholic. I learned enough from Alina and Frank about their customs to bluff my way through. The last house I fled was the closest I have come to being captured. The soldiers associated with Dachau concentration camp seized my fellow worker and captured her. In terror she called out to me that she hoped I would escape. After that, the master of the house guessed that I was a Jew.

  I have seen newspaper articles detailing the torture that continues at Sachsenhausen and Buchenwald. Thousands of innocent people are being obliterated. Since Anschluss Österreichs, the annexation of Austria into Greater Germany, the Nazi regime has taken hold. I know this evil man Hitler is unstoppable. I fear it is only a matter of time before I am captured or murdered.

  The only thing that keeps me going is the memory of your face. The feeling of your arms around me and the knowledge that our baby girl is safe with Alina and Frank. I have not been in a position to contact them to let them know that I am still alive. But even if I had the chance, I would not take it. They can pass Clara off as their own, and that way she will be safe. Any contact I make could endanger our daughter. I will not allow that to happen.

  For today, I am safe. I found new lodgings only yesterday in a large house where there are many staff.

  Wherever you may be, Lukas, I hope you are happy. As I stare at the sky, it is a comfort to know that you are at least beneath the same stars as me.

  I am living in fear, my darling. But I am trying to concentrate on filling my heart with love, just the way it was when we were together. If this is the last time I write to you, which I sense it may be, I hope you know that the memories we share have shown me that there is love and happiness deep in my core in spite of the ugly war that is raging in our world.

  You and Clara are the sparkle in my eye and the warmth in my heart. No matter what becomes of me, I will always know what it feels like to love and be loved.

  For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hitler and his evil army can destroy many things, but not the love I hold for you and our daughter. I will own that until the day I die.

  Hannah

  Panic crept through Natha
lie as she wiped her tears with her sleeve and grabbed the pile of letters. She knew she was risking discovery by Clara, but she needed to know if Hannah had survived.

  Relief flooded her senses momentarily as she saw that the next letter was in Hannah’s handwriting too. But this letter was different to the others. Firstly it was written on several types of paper. And the writing on the translation was incredibly shaky, leading her to believe that whoever had done all this work was unbelievably upset by what they had read.

  April 1943

  Dear Lukas

  My fears have become a reality. I know I will not be writing to you much more. Even if I survive, which is hugely doubtful, I have very few supplies with which to continue my letters. I tucked some pages into my clothes along with a pencil.

  I am in Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. The master at the house I was at last gave me up to the soldiers. As an incentive for people to hand over Jews, Hitler’s men were offering monetary rewards in exchange for prisoners. The temptation was too great and I was sold.

  In the murky darkness and the lashing freezing rain we were herded together. I was kicked and beaten, but unlike some of the other girls, I was not raped, due to the fact that I was vomiting so frequently. I think my ribs are broken, as I am struggling to stand up straight, and there are boot marks on my ribcage.

  The soldiers yelled, ‘Schnell!’ as they forced us to hurry into the unknown blackness. As the other women and I neared the railway, I could see the wooden-slatted train carriages, and hear the panicked wailing of the passengers inside.

  As they flung open one of the large wooden doors at the back of the train, I was met by a stench of urine, sweat and human waste. People were huddled together, trying to shield themselves and stay warm. Many were stripped naked, and those who were clothed were disgustingly soiled and soaked. Although I did not relish the thought of being made to get into the carriage and join them in their nightmare, I was relieved at the notion of being allowed to sit.