Furious Thing

by Jenny Downham

  He shook his head.

  ‘Because I don’t need a friend. So, feel free to go away.’

  ‘Jesus,’ he said. ‘I only came over to say hi.’

  I should be kind to him. Our mums had been friends for years and we’d played together as kids. But I just sat there not saying anything and he stood in front of me shuffling from foot to foot.

  ‘Can I have some of your beer?’ I said eventually.

  He handed it over and watched as I knocked it back. He didn’t even look as if he minded.

  ‘You’re very generous,’ I said. I meant it, although it came out sounding sarcastic.

  He said, ‘So, where’s Kass tonight?’

  ‘He couldn’t come. He’s studying.’

  I sounded bored of the whole deal. My boring stepbrother and his dull life. I liked how ordinary I sounded.

  Ben said, ‘Have you started studying yet?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘Don’t you want to stay on at sixth form?’

  Was he teasing me? ‘You need to get averages of five or above.’

  ‘And won’t you?’

  ‘Not unless a miracle happens.’

  He shrugged. ‘You’ll do fantastic in Drama.’

  ‘That’s one GCSE. My only other good subject is Media and I haven’t even started my project yet.’

  ‘There’s still time. Come on, Lex – you can do it. You’re not bad at English, are you? You’ll get a five for that, easily.’

  Some nights I lay in bed in a sweat because of everything I didn’t know. Once, I looked at an old science paper on my laptop and it was like reading a foreign language. It showed how far we’d grown apart if Ben thought opening a few books was going to sort my life out. I stared at him so he’d stop talking about school. He had freckles, and even though Meryam was dark-haired, Ben’s hair was chestnut red, but you couldn’t tell those things in the dark.

  ‘Don’t give up, Lex,’ he said. ‘I bet you can do anything if you put your mind to it.’

  I was going to tell him to please talk about something else when we were interrupted by the clinking of a glass from across the lawn and people shouting, ‘Speech, speech!’

  ‘Here we go,’ Ben said.

  John was standing on the steps and Mum was next to him. As I watched, Iris ran over and John picked her up and she wrapped an arm round his shoulder and he cradled her close.

  He turned to the crowd and smiled his golden smile. ‘Thank you so much for coming tonight,’ he said. ‘I’d like to say a few words if you’ll indulge me …’

  He talked about meeting Mum and how from the minute he saw her, he knew she was ‘the one’. ‘Well, look at her,’ he said. She laughed and did a shy little curtsey. ‘Just as well she stole my heart,’ he said, ‘because she was pregnant within five minutes.’ He lifted Iris to the crowd and everyone cooed. He talked about moving into the flat when his ex-wife claimed his assets (should people laugh at that?) and pointed out the lines of new bricks where he’d eventually bought the flat above and converted them into one. ‘But,’ he said, ‘my real dream house is on a roll of white tracing paper in my desk and, as many of you are aware, finding building plots in London is not the simplest task.’ The crowd lapped it up. They were mostly architects, so I guess it was interesting to them.

  ‘I would like to propose a toast to my fiancée,’ John said. ‘Georgia, you’re beautiful and patient and everything I could hope for in a woman. Just as soon as I’m made partner and can afford it’ – more laughter – ‘I promise to build you the home you deserve.’ He accepted the kiss she planted on his cheek and waved his hand to acknowledge cheers from the crowd.

  ‘Seriously,’ he said, ‘thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to celebrate with us. Please enjoy the buffet and the bar and don’t forget to throw some shapes on the dance floor.’ He raised his glass. ‘To the future.’

  ‘What?’ Ben said as all the adults raised their glasses and echoed John’s words. ‘No PowerPoint presentation?’

  I shot him a look. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Why did you say it then?’

  He shrugged. ‘He just sounds a tiny bit of a prick, that’s all.’

  ‘That’s extremely rude of you.’

  He gazed at me for a minute, then nodded. ‘I’m going to get a drink.’

  He walked away, and I went in the opposite direction. I helped myself to a plate of food and sat back under my tree. I watched the party grow and swell as more people arrived and the ones who were there got louder. Empty plates were gathered up. The cakes were brought out. More lights came on and the garden glittered. The morning felt like years ago.

  I scanned the lawn for Iris. She’d taken her ballet slippers off and hung them in a bush, their silky ribbons trailing to the ground. She looked like a painting of a girl sitting exhausted on the grass beneath them with her hair spilling around her shoulders. If I offered to take her in and put her to bed, it might get me back in everyone’s good books.

  A man sidled up as I walked into the light. ‘Hello again.’ It was the bloke from earlier. He held out his hand for me to shake. ‘Sorry about before. I had no idea you were John’s girl. I’m Roger.’

  His handshake was firm and made me feel grown up. And I liked being John’s girl. ‘Hello,’ I said.

  I had no idea beyond that – what was supposed to happen next.

  ‘And you’re Alexandra, I believe?’

  I nodded. He nodded back at me.

  ‘So,’ he said. ‘No longer gainfully employed handing out food?’

  ‘I got sacked.’

  He chuckled. ‘Because of Monika’s shoe?’

  ‘I pretty much ruined it.’

  He chuckled some more and nodded over to her. She was standing with John by the stairs. ‘I wouldn’t worry,’ Roger said. ‘She’s only the intern. I doubt she has expensive shoes.’

  ‘You work with her?’

  ‘I guess you could say so. I’m senior partner.’

  Be super-nice to my boss.

  It was weird standing with Roger – both of us gazing across the grass. John must’ve said something funny because Monika was tipping her face up with laughter. I could see the long length of her throat. I looked for Mum and saw her over by the buffet table, scraping plates.

  ‘I better go,’ I said. ‘If I help my mum, she’ll be free to dance with John.’

  Roger turned to smile at me. ‘I’ve got a better idea.’

  I noticed for the first time the pale moustache on his lip. I also noticed that his eyes seemed out of focus as he looked at me.

  He held out his arms. ‘You’re going to dance with me.’

  ‘I can’t. Honestly, I’m not very good at it.’

  ‘Nonsense.’ He came closer and wrapped his arms around me and even though he was old and pissed, I felt a tiny bit proud. John had told me to be super-nice to his boss and here I was about to dance with him.

  He made little sounds as we began to move to the music – a sort of breathy humming mixed with the slosh of faraway liquid. I imagined bubbles from the champagne fizzing inside him.

  ‘This all right for you?’ he said.

  ‘Sure.’

  He nodded. ‘Excellent.’

  I wanted John to see, but he was still chatting to Monika. I wanted Ben to see too – wanted him to know that I attracted older men who knew about the world. But the only person looking was Mum and I didn’t want her making another scene if she noticed I was still wearing the necklace, so I gave her a cheery wave as Roger whisked me off.

  His hand gripped my waist more firmly as we whirled into a darker part of the garden. Before, he’d kept a distance, but now he pressed himself closer. I tried to steer us back towards the lights, but I wasn’t in charge of steering.

  ‘I like a girl with curves,’ he said, and I caught a whiff of seafood on his breath. ‘Too many girls are like sticks these days.’

  I was in a crowd, wit
h my family, in my own garden. Around me, people were chatting and laughing. I was stupid to mind Roger’s hot fingers gripping my waist.

  Roger said, ‘Well, this is a treat I wasn’t anticipating.’

  Where was Mum now? Still over by the buffet table, clattering plates onto trays. Where was John? Still talking to Monika. He had his hand on the small of her back as if he was about to lead her away up the stairs.

  Roger held me more tightly. His fingers had sunk below my waist and were almost on my bum.

  I stalled on the grass. ‘I really should go and help my mum.’

  Roger pulled me closer and the hand that was almost on my bum slid further down and my heart went speedy and my breath went raggedy and I could see myself outside, like I was watching TV and going, ‘Lex, this man is touching your arse!’

  His creepy hand was on me and his stinky breath was mixing with mine and my blood was pounding in my ears. And the furious thing came roaring. Stamp on his foot, Lex. Elbow him in the face. Knee him in the nuts. Yank him over to the tree and stab a twig in his eye.

  And suddenly I had gallons of oxygen and decibels of voice and tons of energy and they grew inside me like I’d explode if I didn’t use them.

  I pulled my arms free and shoved him hard. ‘Get the hell off me.’

  He staggered slightly backwards. ‘What on earth’s wrong with you?’

  ‘You touched me.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘You just groped me.’

  ‘What sort of accusation is that to throw at someone?’

  ‘Look, I don’t want to dance, so just fuck off, will you?’

  The garden went quiet. People looked over. And maybe Roger felt bad groping a fifteen-year-old in public because he slapped a hand to his chest as if he’d been suddenly shot.

  From across the lawn, a bloke yelled, ‘You all right, boss?’

  Roger hunched into himself and took several rapid breaths. ‘No,’ he said. ‘No, I don’t think I am.’

  I knew they’d blame me. I thought, Well, I’m going to have to brazen it out. I gave Monika a death stare as she came trotting over with John. Stupid shoe woman. Idiot intern.

  She said, ‘What happened?’

  ‘Nothing to do with me.’

  She put a hand on my arm. ‘What was the shouting about?’

  I shrugged her off.

  We both looked at Roger, bent double, gasping like a fish. I had a brief vision of John grabbing him round the neck and shaking, shaking him. I wanted him to yell, What did you do to my girl to make her swear at you like that? But of course, he didn’t. Instead, he put a steadying arm round Roger. ‘Something’s brought on an asthma attack.’

  ‘Probably all the booze,’ I said.

  He turned to glare at me. ‘I suggest you keep quiet.’

  Monika fetched a chair and Roger sank into it. John patted down Roger’s jacket and discovered an inhaler. Someone brought over a glass of water and soon there was a small crowd. A woman removed her shawl and laid it tenderly over Roger’s shoulders. And he sat there with his eyes shut, innocently wheezing.

  Mum scurried over. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘He’s faking,’ I said.

  ‘He’s severely asthmatic,’ John said, his voice like ice.

  The gaze of the entire group was on me. This is how it feels to be hunted down by a mob, I thought.

  ‘Do you want to all stop gawping?’ I said. ‘I didn’t bloody do anything.’

  John said, ‘Language, Alexandra.’

  Mum looked at Roger rasping in his chair. ‘So, what’s all this about?’

  ‘He’s a creep,’ I said, ‘and I’m being blamed.’

  Roger took a huge puff on his inhaler for dramatic effect and people fussed around him again. Was he cold? Did he want a blanket? Should they call a doctor? Roger shook his head and whispered he was fine, and please could everyone stop worrying? John gave him a manly slap on the shoulder before turning to the crowd and smiling. ‘I should’ve warned my soon-to-be stepdaughter about some of you charming older men. I should’ve advised her you’re less robust than you look.’ There was polite laughter. ‘I think in her youthful enthusiasm, she’s over-exerted you, Roger?’

  Roger waved his inhaler in agreement and I felt something claw at my gut.

  ‘And perhaps,’ John said, turning to me, ‘she’s been a little too eager at the bar?’

  I stared at him. ‘That’s total crap. I haven’t been anywhere near the bar.’

  ‘Never mind. No harm done. Time for bed, do you think, Alexandra?’

  ‘You can’t send me to bed! I’m not a kid.’

  John sighed. ‘I think the jury might be out on that.’

  ‘Better go,’ Mum said. ‘We’ll talk about this tomorrow.’

  Iris appeared and slipped her hand into mine, but John took her other hand and pulled her away. ‘Alexandra, I mean it. Off you go.’

  ‘Fuck you,’ I mouthed. Then a bit louder. ‘Fuck you!’

  I could hear how it sounded. I knew what they’d all think. I watched everyone shake their heads in disbelief.

  ‘I’m sorry, guys,’ John told them. ‘It’s been a long day.’

  I told him to fuck himself one more time before I stomped across the lawn to the stairs.

  5

  ‘It happened again,’ I whispered to Kass when I phoned him from the safety of my bed.

  ‘It’s what we all love about you,’ Kass said. ‘All that drama …’

  ‘I’ve probably ruined your dad’s career. Everyone was staring.’

  ‘Sod them. Who cares what they think?’

  Kass had laughed when I’d told him about Roger. But that was because I’d made myself out to be a badass who’d shoved a drunken bloke halfway across the garden. I couldn’t keep that version of the story up any more. It was late, and I was tired.

  ‘Your dad’s never going to like me,’ I whispered.

  ‘Of course he likes you.’

  ‘We’re supposed to get along better now they’re engaged, and I’m not supposed to get angry any more.’

  ‘You’re wicked and wild, Lex. You can’t help who you are.’

  ‘I’ve got worse since you left. If you don’t come back, I’ll probably kill someone.’

  ‘I can’t come back. It’s the middle of term.’

  ‘Just for a weekend? Think about it at least.’

  I looked down at my legs in their pyjamas and breathed. I could hear Kass breathing too. I pulled the zip on his jacket more firmly up towards my throat, so I could smell the leather. I always imagined the smell would run out, but it never did. ‘I’m wearing your jacket,’ I said.

  ‘Cool.’

  I imagined him lying on his bed in his student room. He’d be on his back with the phone nestled against his ear. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine myself there, our heads sharing a pillow.

  ‘What am I going to do without you?’ I’d said when Kass announced he’d got into university.

  He’d shrugged off his jacket. ‘You’re going to wear this.’

  ‘But it’s yours.’

  ‘Anarchist gift. Everything I have is yours, Lex.’

  ‘Everything?’

  ‘Sure. Why not?’

  There had been a silence so deep I could hear it.

  Now, I pulled the jacket tighter and the leather creaked against my skin. The zip pressed onto my belly and I knew there’d be a mark, a red stipple from my belly button down.

  ‘Does bad stuff happen when I’m around, Kass?’

  ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘Your dad. Years ago.’

  ‘Why did he say that? What bad stuff?’

  I stayed silent, because I didn’t want to remind him how my granddad died.

  Kass said, ‘Are you talking about Iris and her accident?’

  ‘And my dad leaving.’

  ‘You weren’t even born when that happened.’

  ‘He knew I’d be a disaster.’

  ‘Don
’t be daft, Lex. Do you know how defeatist you sound right now? I guarantee if your dad had bothered to meet you, he’d think his daughter was awesome.’

  That was a nice thing to say. I sat with it for a second. ‘I wish your dad thought that. Then I could be part of the whole golden family thing.’

  ‘Golden family?’

  ‘Iris and my mum being so pretty and you studying architecture and now the fairy-tale wedding. What’s golden about me? Your dad can’t work at home when I’m here, did you know that? I sap his creative energy.’

  ‘He’s just winding you up.’

  ‘You totally need to come back and save me.’

  He laughed. ‘You don’t need saving. You’re indestructible.’

  ‘What, like a cockroach?’

  ‘No, like the planet itself. Like rocks or the wind.’

  I let the words sink into me. I imagined myself a goddess with long silky hair holding up the sky with her bare hands.

  ‘Just stay out of his way,’ Kass said. ‘Isn’t that the best plan?’

  The goddess dissolved. ‘How do I do that? We live in the same flat and I’m about to be grounded for months.’

  ‘Keep your head down. Nod in the right places. You’re more than a match for him, Lex.’

  ‘I’m fifteen. How can you say that?’

  ‘His bark’s worse than his bite.’

  ‘You never go against him, that’s why you never get in trouble. What makes you think it’s easy for me?’

  ‘I’m not saying it’s easy.’

  ‘And to be honest, I think his bite’s about to get worse than his bark. He keeps looking at me weird.’

  ‘That’s because you’re gorgeous.’

  ‘He doesn’t look at me in that way! Don’t say that about him. I mean he watches me like he’s planning something. Like the way a lion watches an antelope.’

  Kass sighed. ‘I should probably go.’

  I was making him uncomfortable. Or maybe he had stuff to do. Maybe he was going to the student union to watch a band or had plans to go to a club. He was a great dancer – confident but not too serious. All the girls at the club would stare at him and their thoughts would heat up their bodies until they felt on fire.

  Kass’s phone pinged and he said he had to look and then he said, ‘I really do have to go.’