Furious Thing

by Jenny Downham

  ‘What just happened?’ he said.

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t speak. I wanted to look at him but was scared I’d see something in his eyes that said he was sorry.

  ‘Lex?’ he said. He moved back and with one gentle hand touched my cheek, so I’d look at him. ‘You shouldn’t’ve done that.’

  I wanted to tell him that he’d done it too, but I didn’t. ‘I love you,’ I said. ‘I always have.’

  ‘Ah, Lexi.’ He sounded so sad as he kissed the top of my head. ‘I love you too. But I’m going now. You’re going to sleep here and I’m going to sleep on the sofa.’

  ‘I don’t want that to happen.’

  ‘I know.’ He kissed the top of my head again. ‘Goodnight, Lex. Everything’s going to be all right. I promise.’

  13

  Sophie woke me up the next morning with a mug of tea. She said Kass had gone out to meet friends and would see me later. I’ve kissed your son, I thought. I wondered if I looked different – more grown up, prettier and more mature. I’d never kissed a boy in my life and last night I’d kissed two. The world was opening and my place in it would soon be obvious.

  ‘How’s the head?’ she asked. ‘You need any more painkillers?’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Ah,’ she said, ‘the recovery rate of the young …’

  I didn’t know what that meant, but it sounded like she envied me, so I smiled kindly at her. I wondered what she did all day. I wondered if she had any friends, or if she’d ever find a new man to love?

  After I’d drunk the tea, I went to the kitchen to give her back the mug. She was standing looking out of the window, but turned round when I came in.

  ‘I’ve thought of some advice for you,’ she said. ‘You still want it?’

  I put the mug in the sink. ‘Sure.’

  ‘OK, it’s simply this – you’re allowed to be angry.’

  ‘That’s it?’

  ‘You asked for anger management tips. Well, that’s my tip. Because what’s the alternative? If you’re not angry you become afraid – afraid to stand up against things that are wrong, afraid to speak out, afraid to act. A healthy girl should be furious, because it’s an unfair world.’

  That was easy for her to say – she was an adult. Maybe my disappointment showed on my face because she walked over and gave me a hug. I was a bit surprised but hugged her back.

  ‘I have a question for you,’ she said. She held me at arm’s length and looked at me. ‘Does Kass treat you kindly?’

  Did she know we’d kissed? I felt myself blush. ‘Of course.’

  She looked at me for a few moments longer. ‘You can be angry with him too, you know.’

  ‘Why would I be?’

  She smiled. ‘All right. Well, that’s good. Now take care of yourself.’

  I told her I would.

  ‘It was lovely to meet you again,’ she said. And she gave me such a warm look that I almost didn’t want to leave because she seemed sorry to see me go.

  In the lift on the way down, I checked my phone to see if Kass had left me any messages. He hadn’t, but I did have thirteen missed calls from Mum and several voicemails. I knew it’d be hell at home, so I decided to go and see Cerys and get my clothes back. I wanted to say sorry too – not for stealing her boyfriend, I wasn’t going to confess that, but for abandoning her at the party. I also thought she might know the friends Kass had gone to meet and could give me some useful information about where he might be.

  She looked pale when she opened the door and didn’t invite me in. ‘I’m studying,’ she said. ‘I have a strict timetable.’

  She told me she wouldn’t be going out again until her exams were over. She couldn’t chat for long, she said, because she should be doing two hours English revision, but she’d talk to me for twenty puffs of her new flavour e-juice.

  ‘That’s a very unhealthy boundary,’ I said.

  She laughed as she shut the door behind her and we sat on the doorstep. ‘You always cheer me up, Lex, you know that?’

  She had no make-up on and looked younger and fresh-faced. She really was very pretty. I wished it was possible to have both her and Kass in my life. Maybe we’d have to wait until she found someone new before announcing our relationship together?

  ‘What happened to you last night?’ I said.

  She breathed out a plume of vapour. It smelled of gingerbread. We both watched it fade into air. ‘I’m not blaming you for this, Lex, but going to that party was a mistake. If I’d just stayed home like I’d wanted to, I’d still be happy.’

  She knows about our kiss, I thought in a panic. She’s going to say it out loud and accuse me of things and she might tell John and then it will end before it’s even begun.

  ‘You’re not happy?’ I said.

  She took a long drag of the vape. ‘I think Kass is going to dump me.’

  ‘What makes you think that?’

  ‘Something he said at the party.’

  That was before our kiss. That was nothing to do with me.

  ‘He said I wasn’t invited and shouldn’t’ve gone,’ Cerys said. ‘It made him feel watched and claustrophobic. He said when people go to university they usually split with their boyfriend or girlfriend from school because it’s immature not to move forwards.’ She wiped a hand across her eyes. ‘You reckon he’s seeing someone else?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I looked across the street to the row of houses opposite and thought of all the people who lived in them getting on with their innocent lives.

  ‘Could you find out?’

  I hugged my legs with both arms and sank my head onto my knees. ‘We don’t usually talk about stuff like that – he’d be suspicious.’

  ‘Oh, well, don’t worry about it, then. We’ll probably work it out.’ I listened to her drag on the vape a few more times. The smell reminded me of Christmas. ‘Hey, Lex,’ she said, ‘are you OK? Why are you hiding?’

  ‘I’ve got a hangover.’

  ‘You need a coffee?’

  I agreed, but only because I didn’t know what else to do. I followed her through the hallway and into the kitchen. Her dad was there and that made me feel worse, because he grinned at me and said, ‘Who do we have here, then?’

  ‘This is Lex,’ Cerys said. ‘Kass’s sister.’

  ‘I’m not his sister,’ I said.

  ‘Stepsister,’ Cerys said.

  Not even that, I thought, but it felt stupid to say so.

  Her dad reached out to shake my hand. ‘Lovely to meet you, whoever you are. Now, can I get you two ladies anything?’

  ‘I’m going to make coffee,’ Cerys said. ‘Lex has a headache and I need caffeine.’

  ‘Have mine,’ he said. ‘I’ve just made a pot.’

  ‘We can’t take yours.’

  ‘It’s fine. I expect your need is greater.’ He tweaked the end of her nose and she laughed up at him. ‘You girls want hot milk? I can offer you soya, almond or scary dairy.’

  I didn’t want to choose, so I just said, ‘Whatever Cerys is having.’

  ‘Almond,’ she said. ‘Better for the brain cells.’

  ‘Your brain cells are perfect.’ Her dad winked at me as he filled a saucepan with milk and me and Cerys settled ourselves on stools at the breakfast bar. He said, ‘I feel sorry for young people these days. Exams weren’t such a big deal when I was at school. Universities are so competitive now and they want such high grades, don’t they?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said.

  ‘I do,’ Cerys said. ‘And I’m going to get them.’

  He smiled lovingly at her. ‘I’m sure you will with your work ethic, kid. But it’s fine if you don’t. You know that, right?’

  Everything about her relaxed as she smiled back at him. I felt like a ghost in their kitchen watching them together.

  ‘What about you, Lex,’ he said. ‘You got big ambitions?’

  I shrugged. My only ambition was to steal Kass away from his daughter. I had to grit my
teeth, sitting under his smile.

  ‘Well, you seem very chilled,’ he said. ‘That’s healthy. Good for you.’

  He didn’t ask me anything else as he poured the coffee and Cerys talked about her plans for the day. He told her to make sure she took good breaks and reminded her she should consider using his study to revise and not her bedroom, because that was where she slept, and he’d been reading an article about feng shui that suggested you don’t learn well in a room where you sleep.

  I felt like a ghost again and had to ask for my clothes back to change the vibe. Cerys fetched them, and I went to change in the bathroom. I locked the little bolt on the door and sat on the closed toilet seat and buried my head in my hands. I was a horrible person. I should call Kass up and tell him it was over between us. He should keep going out with Cerys. She was a good person who deserved good things.

  But the longer I sat there, the less guilty I felt. Cerys was popular and looked like a model. She was a straight-A student and her dad was twinkly and kind – that should be enough for her.

  I changed into my own clothes and checked my phone again. Nothing from Kass. A missed call from John.

  Back in the kitchen, the mood was different. Cerys’s dad had gone and maybe he’d told her to get rid of me, because she was taking great swigs of coffee and not saying much. I asked if I could see her revision plan and she brought it up on her phone. She was taking English, Spanish and History. I never knew that about her.

  ‘You’re so clever,’ I said.

  I sounded guilty, even to myself – like I was only saying nice things because I’d kissed her boyfriend.

  ‘I’m no cleverer than you,’ she said. ‘I just work harder.’

  ‘There’s no way I could take essay subjects.’

  We both scanned her plan. Even her colour code was confusing. She had to use two different shades of blue to find enough colours.

  ‘It looks worse than it is,’ she said confidently. ‘And when I get anxious, I just tell myself that one day everything will be over.’

  ‘And what then?’

  ‘Then,’ she said, ‘I’ll be at university trying to be mature and move forwards.’

  She was talking about Kass again. I thanked her for the coffee and pulled my jacket on.

  ‘Will you see your brother again before he goes back?’ she said.

  I’d gone there hoping she’d know where he was and now she was asking me. I could barely look at her. ‘He’s invited for supper later.’

  ‘Well,’ she said, ‘no pressure, but if you find anything out about him cheating on me, will you let me know?’

  14

  They were waiting for me in the lounge.

  John said, ‘Sit down, Alexandra.’

  I told myself I was fifteen and not five. I told myself that Mum was my parent and John had no legal rights over me. But still, I sat down.

  ‘Where were you last night?’ he said.

  ‘Jamila’s house.’

  ‘Incorrect. Try again.’

  Everything about him was accusing – from the way he squeezed his eyes to his thin lips and folded hands.

  I said, ‘You spoke to her mum, remember?’

  ‘I spoke to a woman you said was her mother. But when you failed to respond to messages across the next few hours and then sent a text announcing you weren’t coming home, your mum got hold of Jamila’s landline and the woman who answered – who I assume was the real mother – said she hadn’t seen you for years and had certainly not spoken with me earlier in the day.’

  ‘Did you phone the right Jamila, Mum?’

  She shook her head sadly. ‘Please, Lexi … don’t make this worse.’

  ‘You’re being offered an opportunity here,’ John said. ‘And I suggest you take it. This meeting will go much better if you tell the truth.’

  I stared at him, my blood racing. I had no idea what he knew. That I’d been at Kass’s flat? That we’d kissed?

  He said, ‘Imagine your mother’s shame having to admit to a stranger she had no idea where you were. “Oh,” the woman said, “why not have a word with Jamila?” and her daughter was dragged to the phone. “Do you happen to know where Lexi is?” your mum asked. You know what Jamila told her?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘She said she was very sorry, but she hadn’t spoken to you for days, had no clue who you hung around with and absolutely no idea where you might be. Imagine how worried your mum was now?’

  I looked over at her. She was chewing her lip and staring at her shoes as if re-enacting the worry.

  ‘So then,’ John said, ‘I phoned Kass, thinking perhaps he’d heard from you, but he didn’t pick up. We didn’t know where else to turn, so your mum phoned Meryam, thinking Ben might have seen you. He hadn’t. She phoned Cerys, who also didn’t pick up. Your poor mother left frantic messages everywhere and was just asking me if I thought we should contact the police when the phone rang. You want to guess who it was?’

  Maybe Cerys had buckled under pressure? Maybe Ben had decided to provide an alibi?

  ‘After six whole years and with barely a word passing between us, my ex-wife calls me up.’

  ‘Sophie called you?’

  Mum flinched at the sound of her name. When John went back to Sophie those times, Mum said she couldn’t breathe.

  ‘Sophie, is it now?’ John said. ‘Pals with her, are you?’

  Not if she’d phoned him up, no. Why would she do that? Why would she get me into trouble?

  ‘So,’ John said, ‘here’s a final chance to tell the truth. Do you want to take it?’

  I took a breath, tried not to let my voice wobble. ‘I shouldn’t’ve fibbed about Jamila and I’m sorry. I did feel ill after school though, and I was walking home and bumped into Kass and he said to come back to his and then I got worse and I thought you’d be cross if I was at Sophie’s …’

  ‘Stop lying!’ John slapped his hand on the arm of the chair. ‘Do you have any idea how humiliating it was to get a call from my ex-wife telling me you’d turned up at her place drunk? Oh, she had quite the field day – why didn’t I have a better relationship with you? Why was I allowing a vulnerable young person to fall under the radar?’ He stabbed a finger at me. ‘You made me look a fool, Alexandra Robinson.’

  ‘I need to go to the bathroom,’ I said.

  ‘I haven’t finished with you,’ John said. ‘Not by a long way. You need to know that your mother and I have been doing some research—’

  ‘I already know. You want to send me to your doctor mate.’

  Surprise flickered in his eyes. ‘You’ve been talking to Kass, I see. Well, Derek Leaman is a lot more than a doctor. He’s a whole new start. Your mother and I found it hugely helpful to speak to someone with years of experience who understood what we’re going through.’

  I stared at Mum. ‘You’ve met him?’

  She looked tired and suddenly old. ‘We’re worried about you.’

  ‘Exactly,’ John said. ‘We’re worried that leaving you untreated might negatively affect your future.’

  ‘Untreated?’ I whispered. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘It means we’ve been fools not to seek professional help sooner.’

  ‘I don’t need help.’

  ‘I beg to differ.’

  I turned to Mum. ‘You agree with this?’

  She could hardly look at me. ‘I want a new start for you.’

  ‘Your mum tells me you were bright when you were young,’ John said.

  ‘Oh, and I’m an idiot now?’

  ‘Not at all, but something’s impeding your ability to learn. You’ve become inattentive and impulsive, you’re often very challenging. What if these behaviours prevent you from ever holding down a job or maintaining a relationship?’

  I wanted to tell him to shut up. I wanted to tell him he knew nothing about anything and neither did his stupid doctor friend.

  ‘Anyway,’ John went on, ‘Derek helped us see the situation more clearly and he�
��d like to meet you.’

  ‘Absolutely no way.’

  ‘He said you’d say that,’ John said. He turned to Mum. ‘Didn’t he say that?’

  She nodded, not looking at me.

  ‘It might comfort you to know,’ John said, ‘that you’re not alone. According to Derek, ADHD affects at least five per cent of children.’

  ‘I haven’t got ADHD!’

  ‘Well, of course he can’t diagnose you without seeing you, but Doctor Leaman thought an attention deficit disorder was a definite possibility.’

  ‘Doctor Leaman can fuck off!’

  ‘Language, Alexandra! You’re not helping yourself one iota here.’

  ‘I broke a grounding. I went to a party. Why does that mean I need to see a doctor?’

  ‘Because that’s not the whole picture, is it? You’re struggling at school. You need instructions repeated, you hardly ever sit still, you have poor peer relationships, you need a high level of adult supervision. You want me to go on? No, I didn’t think so.’ He leaned back in his chair. ‘I know it’s not easy to hear, but won’t you feel relieved to have a diagnosis?’

  I couldn’t bear it. I had to latch on to John’s weak things to stop myself screaming. His hair needed a wash. He had the beginnings of a spot blooming on his neck. Those two, plus a thread hanging loose from his sleeve and a patch of dry skin on the back of his wrist. Four weak things.

  ‘I’ve been telling your mum for years that you need a firmer hand and now we’re getting married, it makes sense for me to be more involved. I care about this family, Alexandra, and I’m not going to let you destroy it.’

  I looked desperately at Mum. Stop him, I thought.

  ‘The last few weeks have been a nightmare,’ he went on. ‘Imagine how mortified I felt facing my colleagues after the party? Imagine the shame when your teacher suggested parenting classes? And now I’ve got my ex-wife having a go at me.’ The cold in his voice was frightening. ‘I’ve done my very best for you and your mother over the years, Alexandra, and all I get back from you is abuse. Well, not any more.’

  Mum wasn’t going to do anything to save me. Her skin appeared yellow-tinged and she looked small beside John, who seemed enormous.