Meryam stroked my hair and I liked it so much that I crumpled into her. I felt like a pet. I wanted to be her cat, so it would always be like this.
‘You can come round here anytime,’ she said. ‘Did John know you were out all night?’
‘I didn’t tell him. I trashed the kitchen and ran off.’
Meryam cringed away from me. ‘You trashed it?’
‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘It was self-defence.’
‘I should call your mum. She’s on her way home, you know that?’
‘Yeah, John bribed her.’
‘I think she was worried about how upset you were on the phone last night.’
I shook my head. ‘I think she was flattered he spent a fortune on flowers.’
‘I’m still going to call her.’
‘Fine. She’ll need a friend when I tell her John’s an evil magician.’
‘What?’
‘Nothing,’ Ben said. ‘She’s wired, I told you. Mum, can you stay out of this?’
‘No, Ben, I can’t. I’ve spoken to Lex’s mum a few times over the last twenty-four hours, so I think I know a bit about what’s going on. Shouldn’t you be making Lex a hot drink if she’s been out in the cold?’
Ben was a good and obedient boy and he did what his mother wished, but I felt his thoughtful gaze on me and I knew our story wasn’t finished. We could make a video and send it to the television stations or the newspapers. I’d seen movies where that happened.
I walked to the window while Meryam went away to make her call and I breathed on the glass and ran my finger through the condensation and made a snake. Then I made a flower. Ben said, ‘I’ll believe every word if you ever want to tell me, Lex.’
It was the best thing anyone had ever said to me. Better than Kass saying I was distracting, because maybe he said that to lots of girls. I turned from the window to tell Ben how much his words mattered, when Meryam came back looking stern.
‘Your mum’s stuck in traffic,’ she said. ‘I’ve told John you’re here and I’ve offered to take you home. He says he’d appreciate some help tidying the kitchen.’
She’d spoken to John and she’d changed. Her face was set in a sharp line. She put her palm flat against my cheek and made me look at her. ‘What did you put in his coffee, Lex?’
Here it comes, I thought. This is where I get arrested. ‘Well,’ I said, ‘it’s complicated …’
‘Laxative,’ Ben said, coming up behind me and putting a hand on my shoulder. ‘John was being a prick.’
Miriam looked horrified. ‘You can’t do that to people. That’s a terrible thing to do.’
Not as terrible as poison.
‘She didn’t go through with it, Mum.’ Ben squeezed my shoulder conspiratorially. ‘Even though he deserved it.’
Meryam looked at us both uncertainly and then she nodded. ‘I’ll talk to him, explain you were upset. Come on, let’s go and help tidy up and then I’ll take the two of you to school.’
‘Don’t abandon us, Meryam,’ I said. ‘Mum doesn’t have any other friends.’
Meryam shook her head very slowly. ‘I have no intention of abandoning you.’
26
Me and Iris sat on the pillar by the front steps and swung our legs and stared at things – cars on the road, people walking past, the newsagents getting a delivery, the traffic lights changing colour. It was comforting watching ordinary things.
I said, ‘Did you have a good time in Brighton?’
‘Not really.’
‘What did you do all day?’
‘Sat in a café. Went for a walk. Got wet in the rain.’
I know it was wrong to be glad about how boring it sounded, but I was.
‘I didn’t have proper clothes,’ Iris said. ‘I had to wear my pyjamas all day. It was embarrassing.’
‘Still, at least you were together.’
We let that hang for a bit, because however dull it had been – Iris was the chosen one.
‘When Mum started driving out of London, what did she say?’ I asked. ‘I mean, it must’ve been weird being told you weren’t going to school. How did she explain it?’
‘She said it was a day trip.’
‘So, how did she explain the fact I wasn’t coming with you?’
‘She said you wouldn’t want to.’
That made my throat go tight. ‘That’s bollocks. She never even asked. I woke up in the morning and you were just gone.’
Iris shook her head miserably. ‘I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t fun. We never did anything nice, and when we got to the stupid hotel Mum was on her phone all the time.’
‘Who to?’
‘Meryam. Talking secrets.’
‘What secrets?’
Iris shrugged and banged her heels against the pillar. She bit her lip. She fiddled with the hole in the knee of her jeans.
‘What were they talking about, Iris?’
She gave me a look. It was the kind of look that said she knew things she shouldn’t know, and she really wanted to tell me but thought she probably shouldn’t.
‘Tell me quietly,’ I said. ‘And then it won’t really count.’
She banged her heels some more and faked interest in the traffic beyond the gate.
‘You’ll wreck your trainers doing that. Come on, stop being a pain and tell me what Mum was saying to Meryam. Was it about me?’
‘It was about my dad.’
‘What about him?’ I watched her take a breath and let it out again. ‘Honestly, Iris, there’s nothing your dad could do that would freak me out.’
‘He’s got a girlfriend.’
‘He’s fucking what?’
Iris closed her eyes, leaned forward and rested her head on her knees. ‘He’s got a girlfriend and Mum found out.’ She opened one eye and peeked at me. ‘And now they’re getting married.’
‘Whoa! Your dad’s marrying his girlfriend?’
‘He’s marrying Mum, but sooner than before. Like next month or something.’
‘Why would they still be getting married when he’s got a girlfriend?’
Iris flinched. ‘It’s Dad’s last chance,’ she said to her knees. ‘He’s done it before with other girlfriends. Please don’t be mad.’
‘He’s a serial cheat and she’s still marrying him! If he’s been seeing other women, Mum needs to dump him, not marry him. I’m not going to any fucking wedding now.’
‘You have to.’
‘I don’t have to do anything.’
Iris sat up. ‘Mum said you’d be like this. She told Meryam if you ever found out, you’d go crazy.’
‘Well, she was right about that. What girlfriend anyway? What’s her name?’
‘Monika.’
I jumped off the pillar and stalked about the car park. I wanted to break something, so I kicked the hubcaps on John’s car. He was having an affair with the intern and Mum was upstairs snuggled in his arms? None of it made sense.
I stalked back to the pillar. ‘Are you making this up?’
Iris shook her head and rammed her thumb in her mouth.
‘When Mum was on the phone talking to Meryam, where were you?’
‘Watching a broken TV.’
‘Take your thumb out of your mouth. Did she know you were listening?’
‘No, and I wish I’d never told you. You’re being scary.’
I leaned closer, so she could feel my breath on her cheek. ‘I can be scarier.’
She squeaked and pushed me away, laughing. ‘You’re mean.’
‘Not to you though. Never to you.’ I gave her a quick kiss. ‘Listen, I need to talk to Mum about this because she’s clearly lost her mind, so is it OK if I tell her you heard her on the phone?’
‘She’s going to announce about the wedding.’
‘But not the bit about the girlfriends. She’s going to hide that from everyone because it’ll make her look like an idiot. Can I tell her you told me about that?’
Iris nodded and shoved her thu
mb back in her mouth. I paced the car park again, trying to work things out. Mum found out about Monika and ran off. This wasn’t John’s first offence, so she probably threatened to leave him for ever and he panicked. He needed something more impressive than flowers to win her back, so he brought the wedding forward. He’d have made all sorts of promises about commitment and monogamy and Mum fell for it. He’d treated her badly for years in all sorts of ways, but it was an affair that got her to react.
Maybe John having a girlfriend was exactly what I needed to get rid of him?
As I was kicking his hubcaps again, Iris ran over to me and held her hand out, fist closed. ‘I’ve got something for you. Want to see?’
She opened her fist finger by finger. It made me think of a flower unfurling. In her palm was the necklace from John’s safe – the string of precious rubies that my granddad bought his wife as a true love gift.
Iris tipped it into my hand. It was warm from hers. ‘I took it when no one was looking.’
I said it was the bravest thing she’d ever done. I told her I’d cherish it for ever. I told her that if I got caught with it, I’d say I’d stolen it myself. I kissed her all over the top of her lovely head.
‘While you were away,’ I said, ‘I decided that the only way to survive is not to lose my ability to love. You know, despite the baddies.’
She blinked at me. ‘What does that mean?’
‘It means that I will always love and protect you.’ I smiled at her. It felt like the truest thing I’d ever said.
27
‘I’ve never been so certain of anything,’ Mum said. ‘It’s wonderful to finally have a date for the wedding.’
‘Your fiancé just betrayed you with the intern. Why doesn’t that break your heart? Why aren’t you throwing furniture? Why aren’t we changing the locks?’
‘I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, Lex, because clearly it does. But please calm down. This isn’t about you.’
She was sorting clothes on the bed and I was leaning against the window watching. I couldn’t bear to be any nearer than that. She’d cried when I told her I knew about Monika, bowed her head, said what a fool she’d felt when she found out. I told her I knew he’d done it before with other women and she said yes, he had, but it wasn’t happening again. ‘Last chance,’ she said. ‘We all need one of those.’
I said she should turf him out. I said she was beautiful and worth a million Johns. How much more crap was she willing to put up with?
‘Adult relationships are complicated,’ she said, dabbing at her tears with balled-up tissues. ‘And the only reason I’m talking about it now is because you already know. I would’ve done anything to keep this away from you and Iris.’
I said he was a womanizer and could never be trusted. But she didn’t want to hear. She collected up her tissues and threw them in the bin.
Now she picked through clothes to categorise them – charity, chuck and keep. It was a technique she’d read about to clear bad karma and welcome a positive future. Stuff for the charity shop was folded into a suitcase, things to keep went back in the wardrobe and the rest got flung in a heap on the floor. She said, ‘Did you know that John has never felt properly accepted into this family?’
‘He lives here, doesn’t he? You gave birth to his daughter. How much more accepted does he want to be?’
‘Maybe I should’ve changed my name? Or signed over the deeds to the flat?’
‘That can’t be a rule! You can’t force someone to give up everything.’
‘It’s not a rule. I’m just saying. Getting married will be the start of a new commitment. We’re going to be a proper family – for richer or poorer.’
‘Well, I’m not changing my name.’
‘Oh, Lex.’ She looked forlorn, holding some tatty cardigan to her chest. ‘You won’t seem included if you don’t.’
‘I don’t want to be included.’
She threw the cardigan on the chuck pile. She held up a towelling dressing gown, then folded it into the charity suitcase. Next were her blue-checked pyjamas. I’d forgotten them. She used to wear them on long-ago movie nights. If I grabbed them and held them close, I bet they’d smell of ancient perfume and maybe a hint of popcorn.
I hated watching her throw the past away and being excited about the future. John and Iris had gone to the park. He was being the perfect father and fiancé now. He wouldn’t be able to keep it up though. Mum had been back from Brighton for four days and that was already pushing his limit.
I said, ‘People don’t change overnight.’
‘John’s made a promise to me, Lex, and I believe him.’
‘You took Iris away. He’d promise anything to get her back.’
‘That’s a horrible thing to say.’ She looked at me, her eyes filling with tears again. ‘He loves me. And I love him. I miss him whenever we’re apart. That means something, doesn’t it?’
‘People miss heroin, Mum. That isn’t the point.’
‘Then what is the point, Lex?’
Name it. Tell her.
But it felt terrifying to say she was weak. What would she do? How could I say she’d let John get too powerful and that she was supposed to protect us? I knew what it was like to fall under his spell. Hadn’t I spent an evening in Mum’s slippers and apron trying to please him?
‘The point is – maybe you shouldn’t rush into things. Have you asked Iris what she thinks? Because she seems pretty upset about the whole girlfriend thing.’
‘I think you’ll find your sister’s excited about being a bridesmaid.’
And even though there was no way I wanted Mum to get married, I felt a small prick of disappointment that no one had mentioned me being a bridesmaid.
‘You can’t get rid of that,’ I said, leaping across the room and snatching up the scarf she’d just lobbed on the throwaway pile. ‘I made you that.’
She picked it up and held it out. ‘You glued two pieces of material together. You were five.’
‘So?’
‘I bet you’d forgotten it even existed until now. You want me to keep it?’
‘I want you to want to keep it.’ I took it from her and held it close. ‘What will become of me if you throw my childhood away?’
‘These are just things, Lex. What will happen is that you’ll grow older and make new memories and none of this will feel so bad.’ She smiled. ‘You’ll study. You’ll pass your exams, stay on at school and go to college. One day, you’ll get a job. You’ve got your whole future ahead.’ She packed the lid down on the charity suitcase and rammed it shut and clicked it.
Seeing her shut that case made something rear up in me.
Weeks ago, I’d asked Cerys for advice and she’d told me to be nicer. I’d begged Meryam for help and she’d refused. Kass had run away to Manchester. And now, even though John had cheated on her, Mum was giving him a last chance. Maybe I was cursed? Whenever I spoke about John, people refused to listen. If I went to the police station and made a formal complaint, they’d probably give him an award or make him chief inspector.
I walked back to the window and looked out at the garden, the tree, the wall, the clouds. The wedding was in just over three weeks. And I had to stop it happening. Words didn’t cut it. They didn’t make the slightest difference.
But Mum giving John one last chance gave me an idea.
28
I cycled to John’s office on Ben’s bike and loitered at the edge of the car park. I was wearing sunglasses and had my hair tucked into a hoodie. I didn’t want John looking out the window and recognizing me. When I told Ben what I was doing he said I was the most courageous person he knew and asked to come. I told him if he really wanted to help he should call the office at exactly 4.00 p.m. and ask for Monika.
‘Tell her there’s a florist’s delivery for her out in the car park.’
‘Will she fall for it?’ he said.
I didn’t know, but there was no way I was going into reception and since I didn’t have a phon
e, my options were limited. I just hoped Monika thought that a bouquet of flowers might be from John and worth coming down for.
When I saw her exit the swing doors and innocently gaze about the car park I felt fierce like a wasp. This woman hurt my mum. It was her fault Mum scarpered to Brighton, her fault Iris spent the day in her PJs listening to Mum cry and her fault I was here now. But it’s easy to blame the women. ‘John’s fault,’ I muttered. I swallowed my fury, slapped a smile on my face and cycled across the tarmac towards her.
I could see why John fancied her. She was prettier in daylight. Maybe twenty-five, dewy fresh skin, her hair loose and shiny.
‘Hi,’ I said, braking in front of her. ‘Remember me?’
She blushed to the roots of her lovely hair. ‘Hey,’ she said. ‘If you’re after your dad – he just left.’
‘He’s not my dad and it’s you I want. Oh, and the flowers were a lie, by the way.’
She bit her lip and looked at the ground. ‘Did your mum send you?’
I almost felt sorry for her. I knew what it was like to be the other woman. But I also felt bold because she didn’t dare look at me. ‘I want to ask you something,’ I said. ‘I’m not out for revenge or anything – but are you still seeing him?’
She shuffled her feet. She looked unbearably awkward. ‘You should talk to your dad about this.’
‘He’s not my dad.’
She looked up, met my gaze. Her eyes were brown, flecked with gold. ‘Why do you keep saying that?’
‘Listen, I want you to still be seeing him. If you are, I can go home and tell my mum and she’ll throw him out and you get to keep him. It’s a win-win situation.’
She looked away again, back towards the building. ‘I should go.’
‘My mum’s given him one more chance. Just one. This isn’t the first time he’s cheated. So, if you just say the word, you can genuinely keep him.’
‘Not the first time?’
I felt the spark of elation that comes with giving someone information that changes their life for ever. ‘You didn’t know?’
She folded her arms and shivered. ‘As I said – you need to talk to your dad. I mean, to John, or whatever you call him …’
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