She turned away and I knew she’d be no help now. In fact, I’d probably made things worse, because if they were still seeing each other, she might dump him now she knew she was part of a pattern.
‘Monika,’ I said. It was weird saying her name out loud. ‘Did he invite you to the wedding?’
She turned on the step. ‘The whole office was invited, but …’
‘You should totally come.’
She frowned. ‘Why would you say that?’
I smiled in what I hoped was a mysterious fashion and cycled off.
Cerys was next on my list. She was in her garden wrapped in a blanket like she’d been rescued from a fire. She’d been ill a lot since the party, she said. She kept getting sore throats and stomach upsets. She told me her dad had threatened to box Kass’s ears if he ever saw him again.
‘I just wish he’d let me know one way or the other,’ she said. ‘It’s like he doesn’t want me, but he doesn’t want to let me go either.’
‘Why are you waiting for Kass to decide? What do you want?’
Cerys simply shrugged. ‘I want him not to break up with me.’
I felt guilty then. If I didn’t want to be like John, then surely I had to stop trying to steal Cerys’s boyfriend? But I pushed the thought away, because Kass and me were true love and John and his affairs were painful and wrong.
‘I’ve got just the thing to cheer you up,’ I said. ‘You’re going to help me wreck the wedding.’
‘No way!’
I settled down on the grass next to her and told her John was having an affair, but Mum was marrying him anyway. I told her Mum had given him one last chance and I needed him to use it.
Cerys frowned at me suspiciously. ‘What’s this got to do with me?’
‘I want you to invite him out for a drink. Then, when he makes a pass at you, you have to record it on your phone and send me the video.’
‘That’s the worst idea you’ve ever had.’
‘OK, how about plan B? You invite him for an evening out and bring your friends. Really pretty ones with long legs and swishy hair and tell them to flirt with him and film his responses. That leaves you in the clear.’
Cerys pulled her blanket more tightly around her. ‘I’m not doing any of this, Lex.’
I told her the story of Bluebeard to try and convince her. I explained how a young woman fell for his charm even though she was afraid of him. ‘She wanted a fancy castle and some pretty clothes, so she stopped listening to the part of herself that told her to run.’
‘Why is this relevant?’
‘She’s like my mum. We need to rescue her.’
Cerys picked up one of her revision books with a sigh. ‘Well, tell your mum if she doesn’t use the key and go in the forbidden room, she’ll be just fine.’
‘But in the story, going in the room saves the woman. She finds out her husband’s a murdering brute who killed all his other wives. Surely, it’s better to know?’
‘Your mum already knows John’s faults.’
‘She’s not listening to her get-the-hell-away-from-him voice. She thinks John’s going to change if they get married.’
‘Maybe he will?’
It was useless. Cerys’s broken heart had sapped all her strength. I told her I’d come and see her again soon. I’d bring her some grapes, I said, or an energy drink.
As I was leaving, I turned at the door. I said, ‘Cerys, if anyone ever tells you to stay out of a room, I hope you know that’s exactly why you should look inside.’
She gave me a small smile. ‘I wish I was more like you, Lex. Let me know if you hear from Kass, yeah?’
By the time I got home, Monika had, of course, told John about my car park visit. I’d had a vague hope she might be into female solidarity, but clearly not. John grabbed me as I came in. ‘A word?’
He made me follow him to his study and sat me on the sofa and glared at me with his wicked eyes. ‘Alexandra, are you trying to wreck the wedding?’
I shook my head, played dumb.
He leaned in, lowered his voice. ‘You might think it’s funny to put laxative in my coffee, you might even think it’s funny to go to my office and confront my colleague, but I guarantee you won’t think it’s funny when I add it all to your rap sheet.’
I kept quiet, tried to slow my pulse.
‘Doctor Leaman’s contacting your teachers, did I tell you? The more input the better. Then he can make his diagnosis.’
‘A diagnosis of what?’ I used my innocent voice.
‘Don’t push your fucking luck with me, Alexandra.’
I sat back in the seat and stared at him unblinking.
‘I love your mother,’ he said. ‘This Monika woman means nothing to me.’
But I didn’t believe his lies any more. It was as if I’d smashed some magical mirror and now, whenever I looked at him, I saw right through the golden smile.
He said, ‘I’m guessing you think it was insensitive that I invited her to the wedding. But it would look odd if I’d left her out, wouldn’t it? It would get everyone at the office talking.’
I didn’t say anything.
‘She won’t come. She knows not to. No need to upset your mum with any of this.’
When I was a child, I used to fall asleep in the same bed as my mother. She’d wrap me in her arms and hold me close, our legs entwined. I couldn’t tell where I ended, and she began. I felt safe listening to her beating heart. If I woke in the night, I’d fall straight back to sleep knowing she was close. There was nothing that could hurt me, nothing she couldn’t protect me from.
Of course, Mum cried when I told her John had invited his lover to the wedding. But he came running and did his big charm act. He explained how he hadn’t wanted the gossip that would accompany leaving Monika out, didn’t want rumours tainting the day, was certain she wouldn’t come and even if she did, he’d ensure she’d be seated as far away from Mum as possible. It was like watching the cogs of a very expensive watch spin and whir. He held Mum’s hand, pledged his love, promised to protect her from pain.
‘I’m so disappointed Alexandra felt the need to stir this up,’ he said. ‘I hate seeing you hurt.’
To me, privately, he said, ‘You just reached the end of the road.’
He dragged me back to his study and made me sit there as he jabbed at the screen on his phone. He told Doctor Leaman the severity of my symptoms was increasing. He was worried I had other psychiatric conditions as well – a personality disorder, perhaps? Or a social phobia? ‘Listen, mate,’ he said, ‘could you fit her in for an urgent appointment? We’re struggling to cope here.’
The next day, he took Mum clothes shopping to cheer her up. My punishment was to stay in the flat and look after Iris. I set her up with a movie in her bedroom and settled down in the lounge with the landline.
My blood was pounding as I phoned the town hall enquiry line. I told the woman who answered that I’d like to cancel my wedding booking. She said she was sorry to hear that and was I aware that the ceremony fee was non-refundable? I said that was fine and she asked for my reference number. When I told her I’d lost it she got all guarded and insisted she needed it for verification purposes. I panicked and told her I’d call back.
I went into Mum’s bedroom and plunged my face into one of her scarves to feel close to her and remind myself why I was doing this. I was not the worst daughter in the universe. This was for Mum’s own good. One day she’d thank me.
I took a few deep breaths and put the scarf away. I went back to the lounge and phoned the John Lewis gift list department and explained I wanted all the presents returned to guests with a note saying the wedding was off. The man who answered the phone said that wasn’t possible. He asked for my list number, my name and the date of the event. He sounded very suspicious.
Maybe lots of people tried to ruin weddings?
Next, I phoned the pub where the reception was being held, but it turned out the manager knew John personally. ‘Is this Monika
?’ he said.
I banged the phone down. I was running out of options.
I phoned Kass to see if he had any ideas and after establishing that yes, my mum had come back and yes, his dad was a serial cheat, he said I should let them get on with their own sorry lives and stay out of their wedding plans. ‘Two years,’ he said, ‘that’s all you’ve got to get through before you can leave.’
‘Actually,’ I told him, ‘I can leave at sixteen. And that’s in two days.’
I could hear him smile. ‘Happy soon-to-be-birthday, Lexi. What should I get you?’
I liked it when he used his soft voice with me. ‘How about a train ticket to Manchester?’
‘Sure,’ he said, ‘when your dastardly plot to destroy the wedding goes pear-shaped, just come on up.’
I didn’t push it, didn’t ask if he really meant it. I just let his words fill me and then said I’d speak to him soon because I had an evil plan to be getting on with.
He laughed. I loved his laugh. ‘You always did walk your talk, Lex.’
I was full of light as I called the florist. I walked my talk. That meant he fancied me and thought I was brave. The florist was sympathetic when I told her I needed to cancel a wedding bouquet because the groom was having an affair with his intern. She offered to speak to her manager and try and get my deposit returned. All she needed was my customer reference number.
Iris sidled in. ‘What are you doing?’
I slapped the phone down. ‘Shit, Iris, don’t creep up on people like that.’
‘Why are you cancelling Mum’s flowers?’
I said I wasn’t and she said I was fibbing. I said, all right then, I was, but it was none of her business and she said she’d tell Mum unless I came clean. I made us hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows while I thought about what to tell her. She sat in the rocking chair and watched me with serious eyes.
When I’d made the drinks, I sat on the floor at her feet. I said, ‘Your dad doesn’t make Mum happy.’
‘Because of his girlfriends?’
‘Yeah, but also because he’s mean.’
‘He’s not mean to me.’
‘No, he loves you.’
‘He loves Mummy.’
‘He also puts her down a lot and makes her cry.’
Iris plugged her thumb in her mouth and looked away. I wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t know, but it felt like I was breaking her heart. We sat there for minutes with the sun making stripes on the kitchen floor, neither of us touching our drinks.
‘Hey, Iris,’ I said. ‘Do you know the difference between good girls and badass ones?’
She unplugged her thumb. ‘Is it a joke?’
‘Not a joke. So, in stories, the good girls obey all the rules, don’t they? Like Cinderella does the housework and Snow White looks after the dwarves. But terrible things happen, even though they’re nice. Cinderella’s bullied and starved. Snow White’s nearly murdered and falls into a coma.’
Iris frowned. ‘Red Riding Hood gets chased by a wolf.’
‘Exactly! Rapunzel gets stuffed in a tower. Jasmine gets locked in a castle. Now, can you think of any badass girls in stories? Ones who break the rules and don’t care about being good?’
I loved watching her face brighten. ‘Like Mulan?’
‘Great example. She fights for her honour and saves loads of people’s lives. Anyone else?’
‘Merida!’
‘Yep, another good one. She prefers archery and horses to dresses, and there’s Tiana, of course. She opens her own restaurant and saves Prince Naveen. They’re hardcore. They don’t hang about waiting to be rescued, do they? They rescue others.’
I told her the stories of clever girls, like Gerda who saved her friend from the Snow Queen, and Gretel who shoved a witch in an oven to free Hansel. ‘They didn’t obey the rules, do you see? If they had, the boys would have died.’
I told her that this was why I’d been cancelling the flowers. I was badass. I was breaking the rules to rescue Mum.
She went quiet again. ‘You’ll get into trouble,’ she said eventually.
‘I don’t mind.’
Her eyes filled with tears. ‘It’ll make Daddy cross.’
‘I don’t mind that either.’ I made my arms into a wrestling pose and gritted my teeth to make her laugh, but it didn’t work.
‘In some stories,’ she said, her voice wobbling, ‘the princess gets married and lives happily ever after, even when it starts off scary.’
‘Like in Beauty and the Beast?’
She nodded, wiping her eyes. ‘And the one with the bear.’
I used to believe in magical transformations – kissing a frog turns him into a prince, being kind to a wounded bear stops him killing you – but it was too late for John. There was no way that marriage was going to turn him into anything new.
I hated seeing Iris upset. It was tough being a good girl. Girls like Cerys and Iris had their own burdens – wanting everyone to get along, smiling and being polite all over the place, desperate for the fairy-tale ending. They were bound to be disappointed.
‘I won’t cancel the flowers,’ I said. ‘I won’t do anything else except talk to Mum, OK? Am I allowed to do that?’
‘What will you talk about?’
‘I’ll tell her how Princess Fiona turned into an ogre to match her prince – how about that? Maybe Mum can paint her face green next time your dad’s unkind?’
Iris smiled. It was watery and reluctant, but it was definitely a smile.
29
‘Lovebirds come in pairs,’ Mum said. She held out a photo of her parents on their wedding day. They looked like they’d walked off a film set in their old-fashioned clothes. ‘My mum was fourteen when she met my dad. Imagine meeting your soulmate so young. That’s ridiculous luck, isn’t it?’
I stared at her as she dried her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper. This hadn’t been what I was expecting when I sat on her bed and told her I wanted to talk about John.
‘What do you love about him?’ I’d asked.
I’d hoped she wouldn’t be able to think of anything, but instead she pulled a box from the wardrobe and plucked out a photo. She’d found it days ago when she’d first started sorting her keep, charity, chuck stuff.
She tapped it now. ‘Your granddad was never the same after my mum died,’ she said. ‘I know you never met her, but you can see in the photo how much he loves her.’
‘What’s this got to do with John?’
‘He’s my soulmate. It’s really that simple, Lex.’ She wrapped the photo tenderly back into its tissue paper. ‘Do you know,’ she said, ‘when my mum was dying, Granddad promised he’d find her when his time came, wherever she was. Isn’t that romantic?’ She wiped her eyes again. ‘They had me very late in life, so they had years of just the two of them. Every time I walked into a room, they were kissing.’
‘I doubt it was every time.’
‘I’d sometimes wake up in the night and hear music coming from the lounge and I’d creep downstairs to see. They’d lit candles – dozens of them – and they’d turned off the lights, so the whole room was flickering. They’d have the record player on and they’d be dancing together.’ She looked around the bedroom as if she could see them now. ‘I used to stand for ages watching them.’
‘They never saw you?’
‘No, they only had eyes for each other.’
I imagined Mum as a girl shivering in her nightie. I thought of her going back up the stairs in the dark, while her parents danced on and on.
‘That sounds horrible,’ I said.
She laughed. ‘What’s horrible about it?’
‘Parents are supposed to put their children first.’
She looked at me properly – with her full attention. I felt myself come into focus for the first time in days. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Mum had the date of the wedding circled on the kitchen calendar. I couldn’t look at it. Or my revision timetable. Or phones
or clocks or newspapers. I couldn’t bear that May 19th was ticking closer with each passing minute.
I said, ‘Parents shouldn’t put their own romance at the top of the list.’
‘This again? Christ, Lexi – me loving John doesn’t stop me loving you. You might think I take his side over yours and you might think he comes down hard on you, but that’s because you’re a teenager. One day, you’ll look back and be grateful for a firm hand.’
‘Is that what we’re calling it? Did you know he’s made me an urgent appointment with the doctor?’
‘He wants what’s best for you, Lex.’
‘You sure about that?’
She scowled at me. ‘You know, I was thinking about you the whole time I was away. Call me an idiot, but I was hoping you might get on with John if I left you alone together.’
‘That’s not why you left.’
‘Maybe it’s why I left you behind.’
‘Maybe you’re rewriting history.’
‘I haven’t got the energy to argue about this.’ She picked up the ‘keep’ box and stood up. She walked to the wardrobe and put it back on its shelf. ‘Now, I’ve only got two more drawers to go and then I’m finally done. You want to come to the charity shop with me and offload stuff?’
‘Seriously? That’s the end of the discussion?’
‘I’m sick of it.’
I watched her open a fresh drawer and peer in. I watched her face, all keen and hopeful, longing for more of the past to throw away, and I felt a shadow creeping up from the carpet.
I said, ‘You know, I could give you a list of all the awful things that happened while you were gone?’
‘Yes, you told me. You ran around after John and he did nothing.’
‘He broke my phone.’
‘Your phone got broken.’
‘He threw me out.’
‘You left.’
‘Because he’s a psycho!’
‘And what did you do to him?’ She glared at me and adrenaline surged in my blood. ‘Yes, I’m talking about the coffee incident. A laxative? What were you thinking?’
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