by T L Swan
I rub my eyes as I try to focus. “Hello, Maria.” Maria is the head nurse from the cardiology wing.
“Gloria is in her last stages, sir. I know you wanted to be told when it got to this point.”
“I did,” I reply sadly. “I’m going to come in.”
“See you soon.”
I hang up, get dressed, and arrive at the hospital half an hour later. It’s three in the morning and it’s cold.
It’s always sad saying goodbye to a patient, but tonight it seems especially lonely.
With no children, and her husband and family all deceased, Gloria is totally alone.
She has been in hospital for fourteen weeks without a single visitor.
I can’t imagine not having family around me when it all ends. I park my car and take the elevator with a heavy heart. Gloria knows she’s dying. She will know that I’m coming to say goodbye.
I walk up the hall toward her room and approach the door with a frown on my face when I see someone else in the room.
Ashley is with her, and I stop and stand by the door for a moment as I listen to them talk.
“I don’t want to die alone,” Gloria whispers.
“You won’t.” Ashley smiles as she leans over her and brushes the hair back from her face. “I won’t leave you. I will stay until the end.”
Gloria’s sad eyes hold Ashley’s. “Do you promise?” she whispers.
Ashley smiles and kisses the back of Gloria’s hand. “I promise.”
I frown at the floor as I listen.
“You will get to see your husband soon, Gloria,” Ashley whispers.
Gloria smiles. “How wonderful.” Her face falls. “It’s been twenty-two years since I’ve seen him.”
“What was he like? Tell me about him,” Ashley encourages, genuinely intrigued.
“He was the crankiest bastard that ever drew breath.”
I smile as I listen.
“But I loved him,” she whispers. “From the day I met him when I was fifteen, I loved him with all of my heart.”
“You are so blessed to have found your one,” Ashley says through a soft sigh, and I have to really listen to hear her gentle voice.
“You will find yours,” Gloria tells her.
There is a pause. “I already found him.”
“You did? This is great news,” Gloria whispers.
“Not really, Gloria. My story didn’t turn out so well. I’m afraid I won’t get my happy ending.”
I swallow as I listen. Is she talking about me?
“Why not?” Gloria asks.
I frown as I listen.
“He didn’t love me like I loved him.” She pauses. “It’s okay. I will get my happy ending with someone. It just won’t be with my one.”
My stomach drops. She feels how I feel. Regret hangs heavily in my heart over what I have done to us.
“There are lots of handsome men out there, Ashley.”
Ashley giggles. “I know. I’m going to find one really soon. I may even go on a date.”
“You are?” Gloria gasps. “Oh, I wish I would be here to hear about it.”
There is a pause and I peer around the corner to see Ashley softly pushing the hair back from Gloria’s face as she stares down at her lovingly. “I’m so happy to have met you, Gloria,” she whispers. “You have brightened my days here.”
I get a lump in my throat and I close my eyes.
“Will you read to me, dear?” Gloria whispers.
“I would be honored.”
“Can you read my favorite part?”
“Of course.”
I steel myself and walk into the room. Gloria’s eyes light up.
“Ah.” I smile as I take her hand in mine. “My two favorite girls here together. I’m a lucky man tonight.”
Ashley looks up from her book, and for the first time in a long time, I see relief in her eyes when she sees me.
I pick up Gloria’s hand and I kiss the back of it as I smile down at her. My gaze travels over to my beautiful Ashley sitting with the book in her hand. I pull up a chair on the other side of the bed and hold Gloria’s hand, listening to the words as Ashley reads through unshed tears.
After a short pause, Darcy added. “You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still the same as they were last April, tell me at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me forever.
I love you, most ardently.”
Ashley finishes reading and we both glance up.
Gloria has gone in silence.
“Rest in peace, angel,” I whisper.
Ashley drops her head and silently weeps.
Death is so hard.
Ashley
“Oh my God,” Amber whispers as we walk down the hall to the cafeteria. “So, get this. We went back to his house and we are fooling around, and he asks me if I am feeling playful.”
Amber is filling me in on her latest fling with the hospital security guard. She’s grown on me. She really is the only fun thing around here and her stories keep me amused for hours.
I watch her as I walk with my folder in my arms. “Yeah?”
“Then he goes to the cupboard and brings out this life size blow-up doll.”
“No?” I whisper.
“I know, right?” She hits me as we walk. “He lays her on the bed next to me and tells me he wants to have a threesome with the two of us.”
My mouth drops open. “I have no words.” I shake my head as we get to the cafeteria and order our coffees. I notice Cameron is sitting with Seb in the corner, and I wave as we take our seats at a table. Cameron glances over and I make myself look away.
“What happened then?” I ask.
“You won’t believe it.”
I bubble up a giggle. “Probably not.”
“He goes downtown on me.”
I laugh and then shake my head. “Eww, I’m getting a visual,” I murmur, distracted.
She rolls her eyes.
“And?” I ask against my coffee cup.
“This is where it gets fucked up.”
I laugh in surprise. “You are in bed with a man and blow up, chick. This is already fucked up, Amber.”
“He starts going down on the doll.”
I laugh and slap my hand over my mouth to shut myself up. I glance around and see Cameron and Seb looking over at us.
“I have no words,” I whisper.
“Then he starts with this role play shit, telling me I have to wait my turn for his tongue, that he has other pussy’s to take care of.”
I hoot with laughter. “What the actual hell? What did you do?”
She shrugs. “I was so shocked that I just laid there and watched him growl out a fucking plastic doll.”
My mouth drops open and I shake my head.
“This is where it gets really bad...” she whispers as she looks around guiltily.
I laugh again. “I can’t believe this story.”
“He starts lining himself up to fuck the doll.”
I frown. “What? He’s going to fuck the doll before he fucks you?”
She nods. “Yes, he thinks I’m getting sloppy seconds.”
I cannot control my laughter. “Honestly, this is hilarious.”
She sips her coffee and looks around unimpressed.
“What did you do?” I ask.
“I lose my shit and somehow fall into this fucked role play, and now I’m demanding he fucks me first before the plastic chick.”
My mouth drops open and my eyes are wide. “I can’t believe this.”
“So he’s fucking me and then he starts talking to the doll while we are doing it, saying I won’t be long, baby. I’m saving some come for you. Play with yourself until I get there.”
“What the hell?” I giggle again and cover my mouth with my hand. “This is priceless.”
“Ashley?” Seb smiles as he leans on the back of my chair. The two of us sit back guiltily. I glance up and see Cameron and Seb st
anding over us.
I turn in my chair. “Hey.” I smile up at him.
“Hello.” Amber smiles.
Cameron smiles uncomfortably and nods.
“How come you haven’t called me yet for our date?” Seb smiles playfully down at me.
Cameron’s face falls instantly, and he frowns as he looks between us.
Oh shit. This is uncomfortable. “I told you, I’m not calling you,” I answer. “You ask me the same question every day, Seb.” I give him a subtle shake of my head.
“One of these days, Miss Tucker, I’ll be painting the town red with you.”
I laugh and my eyes peer over at Cameron. His jaw ticks as he glares at Seb.
“Whatever you say.” I smirk. “I wouldn’t hold your breath, though.”
Cameron turns and marches off and Seb takes off after him until I see them disappear up the corridor.
“Please explain to me why you won’t go out with him.” Amber frowns. “Are you sick? He’s frigging gorgeous.” She puts her hand to my forehead to feel for a temperature.
“Get back to blow-up pussy chick,” I snap dryly as I swat her hand away.
She clears her throat and drinks her coffee. “So, he fucks me and it’s really good and then when we are finished he wants to go downtown and lick me up.”
I frown. “After you’ve finished?”
“Uh-huh.”
I cringe.
“He’s going back down when he starts dirty talking at the doll again.”
I‘m howling, hooting loud laughter. “What did you do?”
“He then went on to screw the doll and I was...” She pauses and shakes her head in disgust at herself. “Seriously turned on by it.”
My face falls.
“I watched him fuck the doll and it was hot. He was kissing me while he had sex with doll, and I’m telling you, it was the hottest experience of my life.”
I frown. “What are you going to do? Are you meeting him again?” I whisper in horror.
She looks around so that nobody can hear. “He rang me before to tell me that he ordered me a man doll today so I can have a threesome with the two of them.”
My mouth drops open. “I’m officially in shock,” I whisper.
“Me, too. He said he got the huge cock one so I could really ride it out.”
I laugh in surprise again. “Is he going to go sloppy seconds to that?”
She shrugs and sips her coffee. “Who cares? This blow up plastic threesome shit is hot. I’m so into it.”
“Oh, Amber… you kill me.” I giggle.
Cameron
I walk down the corridor, deep in thought. Seb’s been asking Ashley out.
I’m rattled.
She’s mine.
He catches up with me. “Hey, so you want to go out on Saturday night?” he asks.
“I thought you had a date with Ashley,” I reply flatly as I sign a form at the nurse’s station.
“Nah, not yet. I will soon, though. She’s warming up to me.”
I glance up at him from the notes I’m reading. “What makes you think that?”
He smiles cheekily. “The way she looks at me. She’s begging for it. She’s smoking hot,” he whispers.
I close my eyes as I try to remain in control
Ignore him. Ignore him.
“I think Ashley has a boyfriend,” I mutter.
“No, she broke up with him.”
My eyes meet his. “How do you know that?”
“She told me. Apparently he was a real douche. Did a real number on her.”
I inhale deeply as my fury starts to become transparent. “I’ve got to get back to work.” I storm up to my office, go in, and lean on the closed door as I stare at the wall.
Being around her is hard.
Being around her when she is with someone else will be unbearable.
* * *
The car pulls out of my driveway and I watch the black Audi disappear. Ashley and Owen have just dropped me back home and taken the car.
I glance up at the house in front of me—my home—and I hate this feeling. I hate this empty feeling I have inside.
I get it every time they leave me.
My heart is living with them at their house, and yet my body lives here alone.
I can’t stand the silence when Owen’s not here.
I can’t stand my empty bed that Ashley’s not in.
I can’t stand the fact that I’m only happy three days a week, and even then it’s only partial because I don’t have her.
I know I need to move on, but I just don’t know how.
This emptiness is poisoning me, day by day.
I walk in and head straight to my bar, make myself a Scotch, and go sit in the dark by my pool. I hit my playlist of depressing heartbreak songs and a personal favorite by Kaleo comes on. Way down we go.
Father tell me, we get what we deserve.
And way down we go
Way down we go.
The tantric blues music rings out on repeat and I drink myself stupid.
I’m down, alright. I have no idea how to get myself back up.
Way down we go.
Ashley
I pull up in Cameron’s driveway.
It’s late afternoon on Saturday and I’m dropping them home for the weekend in the car. They’ve been skateboarding in our street all day long.
Cameron’s eyes glance to me from the passenger seat, and he pauses as if he wants to say something. He’s been doing this lately—lingering after we finish speaking as if he has more to say. He holds the keys to the house up to Owen in the backseat. “Go and unlock the house, Owie. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Owen snatches the keys from his hand and leans over to kiss me. “Bye, Mom.” He smiles as he jumps out of the car.
“Bye, baby. Have fun.” I smile after him.
I sit with my hands on the wheel, my bottom lip firmly caught between my teeth.
Cameron watches me and my eyes eventually find his. “Do you want to come in and have dinner with us?” he asks, sounding hopeful. “I can make your favorite.”
I fake a smile. “No, but thank you.”
He watches me for a moment before he sighs softly. “How long are you going to hate me for, Ash?”
“I don’t hate you.”
He frowns. “But you don’t like me.”
I exhale deeply. “I just don’t want to play happy families, Cam.” I shake my head. “Just leave it. Please.”
“Can’t we even be friends?”
“Sure,” I reply flatly as I stare out through the windshield.
He frowns. “What do you mean sure? Is that to shut me up?”
“I mean, sure, get out of the car. I’m not having this conversation with you. I’m done. You are not my friend, Cameron. You’re my son’s father and nothing else now. We have been over this a million times. Stop bringing this up.”
He stares out the front window. “Wow,” he mouths sarcastically.
I swallow the lump in my throat and stare straight ahead. “What do you want me to say, Cam?” I whisper.
“I want you to scream at me. I want you to punch me. Anything is better than this ice queen treatment you’re giving me. I can’t stand it.”
I nod as I purse my lips, and I turn to him. “I would do all of those things if I still cared.”
His sad eyes hold mine.
“I don’t, Cam. I’m sorry, I just don’t. Move on. I have.”
* * *
“Hello, Ash,” Cameron’s deep voice travels down the phone. It’s Wednesday, around lunchtime.
“Hi, Cam.” I smile.
“I have a problem.”
I frown. “What’s that?”
“Abigail just rang me and she can’t work this week because her husband is sick.”
Cameron has a nanny the days he has Owen because he leaves so early in the morning. Abigail gets Owen up and ready for the day and drops him at preschool. She then picks him up and watches him unt
il Cameron gets home.
We interviewed for her together and she’s a really nice middle-aged lady with her own grownup children. Owen adores her and it’s working out well.
“That’s okay. We can just leave this week then and you can pick up next week.”
“No,” he replies quickly. “That means I won’t see him until the weekend,” he answers in a panic.
I widen my eyes. “So what do you want to do?”
“Well, I was thinking if I could just have him at night and then come over to your house and tuck him into bed, and then he can sleep at your house so Jenna is there.”
I frown. “Yeah, I guess. That shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Good. I’ll pick him up about five and then we will be back about eight? Is that okay?”
“Yeah, fine. See you then.”
* * *
I’m lying on the sofa in my flannelette pyjamas when they come bursting through the door. Owen is on Cameron’s shoulders and they are laughing and wrestling.
“Hello?” I call from my relaxed position. Jenna is out for dinner with her boyfriend.
“Hey, Mom.” Owen laughs as he leans down and tries to eye gouge Cameron.
“That’s it.” Cameron laughs as he flips him over onto the couch.
Owen squeals in delight and wrestles harder.
I frown as I try to watch the show on television. “Can you two go away?” I sigh with a shake of my head. “What happened to my nice, quiet son? Where did he go?” I ask myself.
“He was a wuss,” Cameron teases.
“You’re a wuss.” Owen screams as he launches himself at Cameron again.
They wrestle into the kitchen, and then I hear a bang as the bin knocks over.
“That’s it!” Owen screams. “I’m getting you bad now.”
“Oh, yeah, tough guy. Bring it.” Cameron laughs in delight.
They both growl as they wrestle.
“Cut it out,” I yell over the television.
I swear to God, he’s turned him into an animal.
All this testosterone is bloody noisy. “Owen, it’s nearly bed time,” I call out.
“Okay,” he calls back.
“Dad’s reading to you tonight,” I add. Ha, sucked in. It is his night, after all.
“I’m reading Diary of a Wimpy kid,” Cameron calls.
“You’re a wimpy kid!” Owen yells.
“I’ll give you wimpy kid.” Cameron growls and Owen squeals in delight.