I Am Unworthy

by Angela Mack

  "Everything OK, Georgie?" Mum leaned over to him. She was sitting between Georgie and I at the head of the table.

  "There's just…" Georgie's bottom lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears.

  "Georgie…" Josh uttered a warning with a slight shake of his head.

  "It's OK honey, you can tell us," Mum smiled encouragingly at him. The whole table fell silent.

  "There's so much food," he whispered. "You have so much food. I bet you don't ever go hungry." How does anyone respond to that? Josh groaned and dropped his head into his hands, avoiding looking at anyone.

  "Well, I hope you're going to help us with this lot. Charlie did a little too much, as always." Mum started ladling food onto Georgie's plate until every inch was filled with food, but I saw the sadness in her eyes. I had to turn away as my eyes went a little blurry too, but when I turned back, Georgie was cramming food into his mouth and was back to his usual smiley self. Ryan was also stuffing his face, but Josh hadn't moved, his head still bowed. I reached under the table and squeezed his hand, winking at him when he looked up. He still didn’t move, so I copied Mum and started piling food onto his plate. I nudged it towards him and it seemed to kick-start him into action as he picked up his cutlery.

  “Thank you,” he whispered, squeezing my knee before tucking into breakfast.

  “So, you boys have any plans today?” Dad asked between mouthfuls and I immediately became suspicious as Mum ducked her head, avoiding me.

  “Nope. We’ll just head on home once we’ve helped clean up,” Josh replied and I saw Georgie’s shoulders droop.

  “Well, Sammy and I were thinking of taking Izzy to the cinema, as a final birthday treat. Did you want to join us?” Neither of them were looking at me now and I could tell it was because they hadn’t asked me if I was OK with this. They needn’t have worried though. I was delighted at the idea of spending more time with Josh and his brothers.

  “Hell yeah!” Ryan exclaimed but Josh shuffled in his seat, kicking Ryan in the knee judging by Ryan’s quiet ‘ow’ and rubbing of his leg.

  “Great! Georgie was telling us all about how he loves the Marvel films and Izzy and I have been desperate to see the new Avengers film Endgame. Have you all seen the previous ones?” When Dad finally glanced at me, I smiled at him to show I really was OK with this and he relaxed in his chair. Mum too.

  “Oh yeah! We love those. Josh always gets them on DVD as soon as they appear in the charity shop near home,” Georgie twittered excitedly, whilst Josh choked on the mouthful of eggs he was chewing. Josh looked as if he was growing more and more uncomfortable as the minutes ticked by, but I wanted to show him that he could be himself around us. He and his brothers could trust us with anything. I’d spend today proving that to them all and once again, I was grateful for having such nurturing, intuitive parents.

  ◆◆◆

  “Hey honey, did you have a good day today? You didn’t mind your dad and I meddling a little did you? We got the impression that the boys didn’t get out much, so your dad and I thought it might be nice if they joined us.” Mum poked her head around my bedroom door. I was sprawled out on the bed with the biggest grin on my face. I’d had a fantastic day. We hadn’t bothered looking up the film times so when we’d arrived at the cinema, we'd had an hour to kill before the next showing with any free seats. We’d ended up going bowling and although Josh offered to pay at every opportunity, you could see he was relieved every time my dad rejected the offer. After a while, he seemed to loosen up and let his guard down. I had taken a ton of photos and selfies, trying to capture the way Georgie crumpled over when he laughed too hard or how Ryan pursed his lips after he said something sarcastic. Mum had also taken some snaps; the pair of us were obsessed with taking photos at every available opportunity.

  “I have had such a good weekend, Mum, honestly. Thank you so much.” I gave her a squeeze as she sat down beside me.

  “Good.” She smiled but hesitated, not getting up to leave.

  “Everything OK?” I asked.

  “Um, yes darling. But I want to talk to you about Josh.” I swear, if she was going to give me the awkward sex conversation again, I was going to die. “Well, about his brothers. And his situation.” OK, not sure where this is going.

  “The night you and Josh went to the O2, Ryan asked if he could use our shower after dinner and of course I said yes. He must have left his clothes in the guestroom, as he came out of the bathroom with only a towel around his waist.”

  “O-kaaayy,” I frowned, completely bewildered.

  “Well...I noticed some marks…” Mum fidgeted on the spot, taking her time before she continued. “Bruises. And some scars. Along his ribs and back.” I felt the air leave my lungs. “And they are all so skinny. You heard what Georgie said at breakfast and whenever we offered them food, they ate as if it would be their last meal. What’s going on Izzy? Is everything OK at home for them?” My mum looked at me so earnestly that horrifyingly, I felt myself well up a little.

  “Erm, they live over on the Black Cross estate. They don’t seem to have much money.” It was a pathetic response, but I didn’t know what to say. Josh was so proud and secretive and that I knew he wouldn’t want me to say too much. Not that I really knew much anyway.

  “And what about their parents?” Mum prodded.

  “Their er, mum, isn’t around anymore and their dad works long shifts at the pharmaceutical factory. That’s all I know.”

  “And is Ryan getting bullied at school or something? Is someone hurting him?” I frowned, unsure how to answer.

  “Josh kind of has a reputation for fighting outside of school.” It was a terrible idea to tell Mum this kind of thing, she’d only worry and I didn’t want her to think any less of Josh and his family, but I knew she’d never let it go. “And Ryan was suspended a few weeks ago for fighting at school.”

  “Hmmmm.” Mum scrunched her nose as she thought about what I’d said.

  “But you saw how protective Josh is of his brothers. I’m sure he’s handling it.” I hadn’t given much thought to Josh’s circumstances lately. I was so concerned with trying to befriend him and maybe persuade him into something more than friendship, that I had pushed the niggling questions at the back of my mind aside. I felt shame wash over me. I should have asked him more questions and probed harder about his life, instead of shying away from it.

  “The way he first looked at Daddy when he met him made me think that...never mind...it sounds like it’s just typical teenage tempers getting the best of them,” Mum shrugged. I promised myself that I’d ask Josh about Ryan’s bruises and that I’d try harder to find out more about his family life.

  Chapter 24

  Joshua

  That had been one of the best weekends we’d had in a long time. Maybe even ever. I hadn’t seen Georgie or Ryan laugh so much or be as relaxed as they were around the Johnsons. And we had all eaten so much that we jokingly complained of stomach aches Sunday night. I felt so full I could have exploded and I hadn’t spent a penny all weekend. I’d been so fucking relieved when Charlie wouldn’t take any money off me. If he had, we’d literally be in the dark with only dry bread to eat for the rest of the month.

  “Hey Sunshine, how’s your day so far?” It was strange that Izzy wasn’t sitting in the common room at lunch with the rest of her friends, but she’d text me to ask if we could meet in the library instead. I was secretly pleased we got to have some more alone time together. Ollie and I had gradually fallen into the routine of sitting with Izzy and her mates at lunch, Ollie doing everything possible to impress Jess (who barely batted an eyelid at him) and me pretty much exclusively talking only to Izzy. But it was nice to be included for a change.

  “Hey. Yeah good, although I have a ton of coursework to catch up on for biology. Didn’t get much done over the weekend,” she laughed as we sat at the back table again. She blushed when I called her Sunshine, same as she did the first time I did it, but it just felt natural now. It was as if I’d had a e
ureka moment and knew that she had to be a part of my life, spreading her warm glow through me, like a fire would thaw frozen fingers in winter.

  “So, what did you want to talk about?” I leaned a little closer to her, hoping she was going to make the first move and ask about us being more than friends. Or even hinting at something like it. I was sure she was feeling this connection as much as me, but it wouldn’t hurt to be 100% positive before I did something like make a fool of myself. Especially when it was a terrible idea anyway.

  “Umm...my mum and dad really liked spending time with your brothers…” she started. Right. Not exactly how I thought this would go but OK…

  “Ryan, er, used the shower at ours.”

  “Yeah, I know. He wouldn’t stop raving about it afterwards, about how powerful it was. I’m sorry if he used all the hot water?” I offered, wondering if Sammy had complained, or something. Although it was hard to imagine her complaining about anything.

  “No, no. He didn’t. But after, when he was finished, he came out of the room with only a towel around his waist and um…” Where the fuck was this going? I had a terrible feeling settling in the pit of my stomach.

  “Mum said she saw some marks. Some er, bruises. And she was concerned that…”

  “Where?!” The rage was clawing its way to the surface again and I could feel control slipping away from me.

  “Where? Where, what?” Izzy’s brow furrowed in confusion.

  “Where. Were. The. Bruises. On. Him?” I gritted my teeth.

  “She said there were some over his ribs and some cuts or scars on his back.” I stood up, the chair crashing over behind me, the noise echoing through the calm library. The librarian looked over and frowned as some other students at nearby tables turned to look at us.

  “Josh! What…”

  “I need to go.” I turned on my heels and fled the library. If this was a scene in one of Georgie’s superhero movies, I’d be turning green and shredding my clothes right about now. Very rarely had I sought Ryan out at school, knowing it was better for him if he didn’t have his older brother hanging out with him in front of his friends, but today was different. I wanted answers and I wanted them now.

  I stormed over to one of the playgrounds that the younger kids usually frequented and frantically checked my surroundings. There were groups of kids everywhere, but I couldn’t see Ryan at all. I was about to swivel and try somewhere else when I saw a group huddled in the very back corner, as far away from the supervising teachers as possible. I was pretty sure I caught a glimpse of Ryan amongst them so I headed over, using every ounce of my self-control to not run over there and throw him over my shoulder.

  “RYAN!” I shouted at the group and they parted, turning towards me. Ryan was in the centre, a cigarette hanging from his lips. As soon as he saw me it fell from his mouth, hitting the floor and rolling away. I lurched forward, grabbed him by his collar and hauled him away.

  “Josh, stop…” I dragged him as far away as possible until we came around the back of the art building. It wasn’t exactly private, but it was as secluded as we were going to get.

  “When?” I demanded.

  “That was the first time I tried one, I swear!”

  “I’m not talking about the cigarette, dick. And don’t fucking lie to me about that, you looked well too natural for that to have been the first time, but we’ll get back to that later. When. Did. He. Start. Hitting. You?” The colour drained from Ryan’s face and I could see a slight tremor shoot through his body.

  “I don’t know what you mean…”

  “DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME! Sammy saw you get out the shower. She saw the bruises. Izzy just fucking told me. I don’t know what has fucked me off more; the fact that Big Mike has been using you as a punching bag and you didn’t tell me, or the fact that you thought it was clever to parade around your battle scars in front of Izzy’s mum!”

  “I didn’t...I wouldn’t have…”

  “WHEN DID IT FUCKING START?” I was panting and bouncing on my feet in a frenzy of violent, barely controllable fury.

  “About a year ago,” he muttered. Immediately all the anger drained away and I staggered back, as if he had punched me himself.

  “A year ago?” I whispered in disbelief and he nodded.

  “Why didn’t you...you didn’t say anything? I would have…”

  “I know you would have. But you fight with him all the time and most of the time you hardly come out of it alive. I can handle it. It’s not so bad.” Tears filled his eyes and one by one, they trickled down his face. I grabbed him in a fierce hug, burying his head in my chest.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, so sorry Ryan. I should have known. I should have done more.” My voice cracked as I desperately tried to keep it together in front of him. An even more horrifying thought occurred to me.

  “Has he been hitting Georgie?” I choked the words out and had to smother a wail when he didn’t answer straight away. His silence spoke a thousand words.

  “When he comes back, and he will come back, I’m going to kill him. I will fucking kill him.” Ryan was sobbing quietly into me, his tears soaking right through my shirt, and every whimper felt like a knife to the heart.

  “I promise, I’m not going to let him touch you again. He won’t ever hurt you or Georgie again, I promise.” He nodded into my shirt and I pulled him back so I could look at him. I hunched over, getting down to his level.

  “I’m sorry I shouted at you. None of this is your fault, OK? It’s my fault. I’m a shitty brother. But I’m going to fix this, OK? I’m going to fix it. Go get cleaned up and go back to your friends. I’ll meet you after school as usual.” He nodded, wiping his face on the back of his hands before turning away and disappearing around the corner of the building. As soon as he disappeared from sight, I collapsed to the floor and lost it. I completely lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air, but I was drowning. Drowning in shame and fear, and more shame.

  “Josh! Shhh, Josh. I got you.” Out of the blue, Izzy was next to me, sitting on the dirty ground beside me and grabbing my face between her hands, turning me to face her.

  “Deep breaths. Calm down. You need to breathe, Josh, breathe. Come on, copy me.” She took long, slow breaths in and then released them equally as slow, looking me in the eye the entire time. She repeated it over and over until gradually, I began to mimic her, my breathing slowing to a more manageable rate. But I couldn’t stop the tears. I didn’t feel the embarrassment that should have come with crying in front of a girl, in front of Izzy. I was too consumed with failure. She pulled my head to her shoulder, cradling me whilst I sobbed my heart out. Little Georgie, my poor little Georgie…

  I don’t know how long we sat like that for, but eventually I became aware of her fingers running through my hair, making soothing little circles at the base of my head. My tears slowed until they dried up all together and we sat there in silence. A bell rang in the distance but neither of us made a move to leave. It was freezing out here and I could see Izzy shaking a little with the cold, but she didn’t say anything. My thread-bare jacket wasn’t doing much to keep the November icy wind at bay either, but I deserved the discomfort. Hell, I deserved a fucking lot more than just discomfort. I deserved pain.

  “I don’t know who Big Mike is, but we will make him stop. I don’t care what we have to do, we will make him stop,” Izzy declared, a ferocious edge in her voice that briefly made my heart soar in affection. But all the fight had left me. I was broken, completely broken.

  “He’s our dad…” I confessed softly.

  “What?! Big Mike is your dad?” she pulled me away from her shoulder until we were at the same eye level again. I didn’t react. I couldn’t believe I’d told her. Ollie was the only person other than my brothers that knew what was happening at home. Although apparently, I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on at home either, if he’d been battering them for over a year. A fucking year! New teardrops formed at the thoug
ht and they streamed down my face, trickling off of my jaw and splashing onto my chest.

  “Oh Josh. You should’ve told me. We need to tell the police or…”

  “NO! No! No, Izzy. They’ll take them away from me. I can’t lose them. They are all I have!” It was getting tough to breathe again.

  “OK, OK, OK. Josh, calm down. No one is taking anyone away.”

  “No, you don’t understand. I’m not eighteen yet. Social Services will come and take Ryan and Georgie and put them in a foster home. And I’m not having them get molested. They need to stay with me. We need to stay together. A couple more months to go.”

  "But…"

  “He’s gone. He’s gone, Izzy. He hasn’t come back home for almost two weeks now, since I broke his nose.”

  “You broke his…”

  “Yes. And he hasn’t come back since. Maybe he never will.” My mind flicked back to the night in question and our argument came flooding back to me: Fuck off. You are never touching them! Not whilst I am here!

  You’re fucking clueless as well as worthless. A fucking moron. No wonder your mother left you here to rot. Fuck! He was fucking hinting at it and I didn’t even pick up on it.

  “We should still tell someone…”

  “No. Izzy. Please. Please. I’m begging you. What if he doesn’t come back and we tell someone, and the boys get taken away from me and it’s all for nothing? Hmm?” I could see the gears turning in her mind as she mulled it over.

  “Please. I promise I will tell you if he comes back and if he does, we will go straight to the police station, yeah? OK?” I was desperate for her to agree. She had to agree. I couldn’t risk losing them, I couldn’t. She nodded and I almost passed out from relief.

  “But you better bloody well tell me Josh, I mean it. No more secrets. I’m dead serious, Josh.” She had that look on her face like when she pushed me off of Tom; almost murderous.

  “Yes, Sunshine. I promise.”