by Angela Mack
“Well, not all the time, I exaggerated…” God, this was a train wreck. I hadn’t filled my friends in on the fact that Josh’s brothers were over every Sunday, although I didn’t go out of my way to hide it either. This was the first time either of us had acknowledged it out loud in front of other people.
“Forget it…” I muttered, avoiding eye contact with anyone.
“He’d love to, wouldn’t you, Joshy?” Ollie slapped him on the back, his face cracking into a big grin. Josh frowned, not answering. Well, I felt like a complete moron. If Josh had ever thought of me as more than a friend before, he definitely did not now. He’d rather spend Christmas on his own with his brothers in his crappy little house than with me. Ouch.
“I’m going to pop to the library before class.” I stood up, slinging my bag over my shoulder and making a hasty exit as my eyes blurred a little.
“Izzy!” Sophie called after me, but I hurried my footsteps, fraught with the need to escape. I ran into the main building and had the library in my sights, when I felt a hand grab my arm and spin me around.
“Did you mean it? You want us to come over yours for Christmas? You weren’t just saying that?” Josh’s eyes searched mine.
“Unlike you, I communicate my intentions clearly. So yes, I meant it. But if you don’t want to, don’t. It’s no big deal.” I tried to turn away, but his grip tightened, whirling me back to face him.
“What do you mean by that? We talk all the time…” he raised his eyebrows.
“Yes, we do, but about nothing important. I’ve seen you when you’ve been at your worst, Josh! I’ve seen the bruises and vomit and I know your secret. But none of that was your choice. If I hadn’t walked Georgie home, I would never have seen you in such a state and you probably would never have had a reason to talk to me in the first place. If I hadn’t followed you out the library that day, I would never have learned the truth. You don’t tell me anything.” The tears were threatening to over-spill. “And you kissed me. Twice. But if that didn't mean anything to you, then say so right now, so I can get over it and pretend nothing ever happened.”
“Sunshine, I…”
“No! Do not call me that.” This time I wrenched myself free and spun on my heels, fleeing to the girl’s bathroom down the hall instead. He didn’t try to follow.
◆◆◆
Not feeling particularly enthusiastic about my education, I left school straight after lunch. I text Mum saying I wasn’t feeling well, stomach cramps, and was home. If I had any more stomach issues, no doubt she’d book me in to see a gastroenterologist or something. I was going to have to come up with better excuses. Stupid boys. Stupid Josh.
I skipped dinner, preferring to stay upstairs with my headphones on, blasting Bring Me the Horizon’s latest album as loud as possible. Yeah, I could definitely relate to Avalanche right now. Movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention and I pulled my headphones down.
“Honey, there’s someone downstairs for you,” Mum popped her head around my door.
“Who is it? I’m not in the mood, to be honest.”
“Josh.” Great.
“I don’t fancy talking to…”
“You should go down there. I already let him in.” She grinned at me and then bounced out the door. Typical. I huffed, taking my frustration out on the stairs as I descended (OK, so you could describe it as stomping ungracefully down the stairs). Josh wasn’t immediately by the door, so I headed to the living room, stopping in my tracks when I caught sight of him. He was holding the biggest bunch of yellow roses.
“I’m sorry,” he rushed as soon as he saw me. His gaze shifted to the kitchen where Mum and Dad were standing with their backs to us, sipping tea and looking pointedly out of the window in front of them.
“I’m sorry I er, gave you mixed signals. I do like you. You’re my sunshine.” His cheeks coloured a little as Mum let out an ‘awww.’
“Mum!”
“Sorry, sorry! We’ll go upstairs and give you two some privacy.” She shoved Dad out of the door.
“But I wanted to hear what he had to say…” my dad protested and I couldn’t help but laugh. Josh walked closer to me and held the flowers out. I smiled and accepted them, walking into the kitchen to grab a vase.
“These must have cost a fortune, Josh. You shouldn’t have…”
“And that is exactly why we can’t be more than friends Izzy!” I whirled around at his raised voice, confused about why he was suddenly shouting at me.
“What...what do you...mean?”
“You know who I am. Who my family are. I don’t have a pot to piss in. I hardly have enough to pay the bills. Your mum is buying our food shopping every week for fuck’s sake. And thank fuck she is because I don’t know how we’d manage otherwise. I can’t give you anything, Izzy. I can’t take you anywhere. I can’t spoil you like you deserve. I can’t even look after my own brothers properly…” He ran his hands through hair angrily, his breathing becoming more and more frantic. “I would like for nothing better than for you to be mine. But I don’t deserve you. I need you, but I don’t deserve you. You are my sunshine but all I’m going to do is bring you darkness and misery. You deserve better. I’m too selfish to not be friends with you, but I refuse to drag you into my life any more than you already are.” He was panting now, fists clenched, face red. He’d never looked so bloody hot.
“Well, Josh Bugg, I have news for you…” I walked over to him, invading his personal space so my face was inches from his. He took a half-step back, shocked by my reaction, but I closed the distance again.
“You don’t get to make decisions about what I deserve. About what I want. And I want to be in your life. I don’t care about what money you do or don’t have, or what you can or cannot buy me. I want you, Josh.” I wrapped my hands around his neck, tugging him towards me. Third time lucky, right?
I felt my heart lurch as he resisted, preventing me from closing the last inch or two between us. He searched my eyes with his own and I couldn’t quite read him.
“Are you sure?” he whispered. His face was completely neutral, as if he was carefully preparing himself to react in a certain way depending on my answer.
“Completely.” I put a little more force into my grip, but I needn’t have worried. He didn’t resist this time. Our first kiss had been full of playfulness and lust. Our second kiss had been slow and gentle, apart from the abrupt end of course. This kiss was completely different. It was like I could feel Josh letting go. Letting go of his worries and his mistrust and his fear. Instead, he embraced it all. He embraced me. I felt something ignite within and it was like I couldn’t get close enough to him. My fingers tangled in his hair and his hand slipped around the back of my neck. We pressed as close together as possible and our movements started to become more frantic. More desperate. Our tongues explored fiercely and I tilted my head to a different angle, needing to kiss him as deeply as possible. Josh growled low in his throat and I jolted, desire rippling through me.
“Woah,” I pulled back, needing to slow things down and avoid my parents walking in on an entirely different scene to the one they left. I had never felt so attracted to someone, never wanted someone so badly. I was very inexperienced, probably embarrassingly so for an eighteen-year-old, but right then, I knew I could give myself to this boy. Completely.
Josh broke out into a genuine smile, his eyes shining as he tilted his forehead against my own. He wrapped his arms around me, squeezing and lifting me off of the ground.
“Put me down!” I squealed, laughing. He held me up a second longer before dropping me gently back to my feet. I reached for his hand, squeezing a little.
“Josh! Can we come in yet? It’s bloody freezing out here!” I frowned at Josh quizzically.
“Is that Ryan shouting through our letterbox?” I peered into the corridor and could see two silhouettes through the frosted glass of our front door.
“I er, didn’t know if we’d be welcome or not, so told them to wait outs
ide…” he was trying to play it cool with a lopsided grin, but I could see the slight blush colouring his cheeks.
“Mum! We have some extra guests for dinner!” I called behind me as I wrenched open the front door, smiling to see Ryan and Georgie waiting outside.
“You didn’t kick his arse, then?” Ryan asked whilst Georgie shouted, “Told you she’d forgive him!” He ran past me, in search of my mum. He had grown quite attached to her, probably because she shamelessly rained near-constant attention on him.
“Hey man, want to help me prep dinner?” Dad high-fived Ryan as he and Mum came down the stairs, all of us heading back into the kitchen. I looked around and couldn’t help but beam. All my favourite people in the world were here right now.
Chapter 28
Joshua
“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Oh, sweet Jesus. How did I know that Izzy’s family would be the type to go completely overboard at Christmas? My brothers and I had spent near enough the entire Christmas holidays over at Izzy’s. I had picked up some extra shifts at the shop and stayed back at our house when I was working a late shift, but I don’t think Ryan and Georgie have been home in almost two weeks.
I’d worked late last night but as the buses didn’t run on Christmas Day, I’d gotten the last one back here and stayed up with Izzy’s family watching Christmas movies until almost midnight. I’d finally gotten comfortable sleeping away from Ryan and Georgie, which is why my brothers, Izzy, and her parents were currently crowding into Sammy’s office in the loft. They all had matching Christmas jumpers on over their pyjamas. I shit you not. Every single one of them had navy woolly jumpers with a snowy Christmas scene stitched through it. Even Ryan was laughing hysterically as he and Georgie jumped on the sofa bed, bundling on top of me.
“What the hell are you wearing?” I laughed, holding them both back from me so I could get a better look.
“Oh, don’t get jealous Joshy, you have one too!” Georgie grabbed a garment from Izzy’s arms, throwing it at my face whilst giggling. I groaned good-naturedly, pulling myself into a seated position and holding it up against me.
“Come on. I’ll get breakfast on the go and then we can do presents before I leave to get my mum,” Charlie gestured for everyone to follow him back down the stairs.
“I’ll help,” Ryan jumped off the bed and was the first to leave after him. He and Charlie had really bonded over the Christmas break, especially with Charlie teaching him how to cook a different dish every night. Ryan had turned into quite the chef. Sammy held her arms out to Georgie, who swiftly took off, jumping up into them. It looked a little ridiculous; a nine-year-old clinging to a grown woman. But who was I to judge? Georgie had been desperate for attention, for a mother’s love, for so long now that it didn’t surprise me that he was making the most of it from Sammy.
“Let’s give these two some privacy,” Sammy said, ruffling Georgie’s hair whilst looking over her shoulder to wink at Izzy. “Only five minutes though.” Her expression turned more serious as she raised her eyebrows, slowly disappearing from view as she descended the stairs.
“Merry Christmas, Josh.” Izzy perched on the bed next to me, leaning in to give me a quick kiss on the lips. Although she was wearing the baggy, oversized Christmas jumper, she still looked sexy as hell. Mainly due to the tiny navy shorts she was wearing. Her legs went on forever. I had soon learned that the only problem with spending so much time with Izzy, was that it meant I was spending an agonising amount of time with a hard-on. Like right now. We had only managed to steal a few kisses, usually when I walked Izzy up to bed to say goodnight, but her parents were careful not to leave us alone for too long. I didn’t blame them. If they knew what was running through my head most of the time, I wouldn’t be surprised if they locked me out of the house altogether and never let me back in again.
“Morning Sunshine.” I leaned in for another kiss, lingering a little, wanting more than just a peck. I felt my self-control slipping away a little each day. But we hadn’t even talked about sex. Or if we were even in a proper relationship.
“Izzy! Breakfast!” Sammy called, making it clear that our time was up. I groaned in frustration as Izzy jumped off the bed, skipping towards the stairs.
“You know exactly what you do to me, don’t you?” I laughed, not making a move until a certain part of me calmed down. She laughed, dancing down the stairs. I shook my head, amused by her sudden confidence. She’d come out of her shell the past couple of weeks, getting more and more comfortable around me.
After several minutes, I shoved some clothes on (yes, including the hideous Christmas jumper) and followed everyone downstairs. There was hardly any room in the lounge due to the humongous Christmas tree and several piles of presents. I mean, seriously, it looked like Santa had thrown up in here! Mum used to put up one of those fake, perfectly symmetrical trees every year, but it was nothing like the real fir the Johnsons' had. The tree almost touched the ceiling and was decorated in the traditional red, green and white Christmas colours. There were candy canes, ornaments and brightly coloured baubles all over it. Not to mention the garish flashing lights woven through the branches. With the weight of all the decorations, it was lopsided and the branches stuck out at all sorts of angles, but I secretly loved it.
"Wowee," I wolf-whistled. "That is an impressive number of presents." Izzy was laying the table for breakfast, whilst Georgie and Ryan helped Charlie in the kitchen.
"Yours and your brothers' presents are stacked up over there," Izzy gestured with her head towards three piles by the sofa. I stared wide-eyed as I heard something clatter to the floor behind me. I turned and saw Ryan and Georgie both frozen and staring at the presents, a spatula lying on the floor at Georgie's feet.
"We...have presents?" He whispered.
"Of course you do! It's Christmas," Sammy laughed as she plucked the spatula from the floor and started washing it in the sink. Georgie immediately ran over to them, checking tags to see which were his.
“Joshy! Look! I have presents!” I tried to stop my eyes tearing up as I watched him gaze at a stack of at least ten presents. Even when Big Mike hadn’t blown all our money on his shitty business, he and Mum had never made much effort. He’d buy her fancy jewellery and perfume, and she’d buy him expensive watches and suits. But when it came to us, they never paid much attention. Sure, we’d always been dressed in the best clothes to keep up appearances, but it was like we weren’t worth the bother when there wasn’t anyone important for us to show off in front of. When no one was around to see us open our gifts. Our presents would consist of clothes and vouchers. Half the time, they were the wrong sizes or for shops we'd never even heard of.
“Treat yourself,” Big Mike would leer at us as we opened gift cards. There was zero thought put into it and whilst I didn’t care about their crappy gifts, it killed me to see the disappointment in my brothers’ eyes every year. So much so, I started saving up my own vouchers so I could buy them nice gifts at Christmas every year. We stopped getting anything for Christmas at all when Mum left.
“I tell you what, why don’t we do presents now, and I’ll warm breakfast up after we're done?” Charlie asked and Georgie squealed with delight. I felt Izzy slip her fingers around mine as I continued to watch Georgie bounce around excitedly.
“You didn’t need to do this, you know,” I whispered to her.
“We wanted to,” she whispered back, leaning into me and kissing me on the cheek.
“Come on you two, go sit next to your presents so we can get started!” Sammy clapped her hands together, looking almost as giddy as Georgie. Almost.
“OK, go!” She clapped again and Georgie and Ryan began shredding paper, pieces flying everywhere. I couldn’t help but observe quietly, taking in every smile, every cheer, every happy moment. Ryan had a couple of cookbooks, some DVDs, a new pair of jeans and several new t-shirts (I was relieved that I wouldn't have to buy him new clothes anytime soon), a fancy bottle of aftershave, a new football and a new backpack. Georgie had som
e new clothes too, a ton of different board games, three different lego sets, more DVDs, and a basketball hoop that could be mounted to the wall, as well as a basketball. They had both been spoiled rotten.
“Josh, you’ve not opened a single one yet. Go on, make a start,” Sammy encouraged.
“Sorry. I was enjoying watching everyone else,” I replied sheepishly. I turned over the first tag and saw Merry Christmas, love Sammy and Charlie x It was the same for all the presents in the pile, with the exception of three that were from Izzy.
“Save mine ‘til last,” she directed, a big grin on her face as I laughed. Sammy and Charlie had also gifted me aftershave, three new polo tops, even more DVDs (boy, we had a lot of films to watch), and a twenty-five-pound iTunes voucher. I tried to keep my face neutral as I put the voucher to one side, wondering if I would be able to exchange it for something else. They obviously didn’t know that I had no way of using it and I didn’t want to embarrass them.
“This one first!” Izzy handed me a heavy, rectangular box. Everyone stopped to watch me, making me feel very self-conscious as I started to tear the wrapping paper. It looked like some kind of wooden briefcase and I frowned, confused. Izzy gestured for me to open it, so I lifted the lid, pausing as I took in the contents.
“Do you like it? Jess said you’re amazingly talented…” she trailed off, unsure of how I’d react.
“Wow.” I didn’t know what else to say. I had a complete artist’s set in front of me, the case filled with oil paints, charcoal, pencils, watercolours and brushes. The next gift was a variety of different papers and pads to try them out on too. I had everything I could ever need to escape. It was perfect.
“Thank you,” I kissed her softly on the cheek and she beamed.
“OK, I saved the best ‘til the last,” she smiled as she passed me a very neatly wrapped, small box.