by Fariah Zaidi
Following this, everyone cracked up, and I even saw Enzo smiling. I joined them, grinning widely myself. And for just a few fleeting moments, I couldn’t help but feel like I belonged here. It just felt like... home.
As the laughter died down, everyone took their seats and prepared to devour the heavenly food that Mama Bella has so lovingly cooked.
I was slightly bummed when Stefan didn’t come down again.
As if on cue, loud footsteps were heard in the distance and everyone’s eyes turned.
Stefan appeared in the doorway, dressed in a royal blue suit that clung to him in all the right places and his hair had been neatly combed back. The sight of him alone was so captivating that I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
I watched in a daze as he walked over to where Mama Bella was seated, bending down to press a kiss on cheek, “Buongiorno, Mama.”
Damn, that accent.
He then proceeded to the head of the table and took a seat. Everyone tried to hide their surprise by dabbing their mouths with napkins or subtly trying to glance at each other.
“Let’s begin.” Ria chirped, and at once everyone snapped back into action, filling their plates with food.
However, as I was about to take my first bite, Stefan’s voice interrupted me.
“Zara?”
“Yeah?” I replied, my fork still paused halfway to my mouth.
“Sit next to me.”
It wasn’t a request, it was a command, leaving no room for questions. He looked at me, grey eyes slightly narrowed, as if challenging me to defy him.
I didn’t want to stall breakfast or invite more drama, so I picked up my plate headed towards him. Vincent, who was sitting next to Stefan, got up way too quickly. Maybe it was because he got a chance to sit next to Ria.
I sat down in the empty seat and placed my plate on the table. When I caught Stefan’s eye, he was looking at me with a hint amusement and victory.
Everyone proceeded with their breakfast, unaware of the stare down happening between me and him. I was glaring at him, highly annoyed that he did something like this in front of everyone. He was just trying to get back at me for calling him names last night.
In the middle of the meal, he suddenly leaned in, close enough that only I could hear him.
“You made a grave mistake last night. Nobody, absolutely nobody has the permission to talk to me that way.”
“Oh yeah?” I retorted, turning to look at him right in the eyes, “Maybe if you behaved like an adult instead of a petulant child, I wouldn’t have had to talk to you like that.”
“Do you even know who I am? You should be punished for what you did last night.”
His hand suddenly came to rest on my knee and I jumped at the sudden contact. Something constricted in my heart at the way his fingers tightened around my skin, and I immediately wanted them off my body.
My eyes snapped to his, narrowed in anger even though my anxiety had started increasing and my breathing had suddenly labored.
“Do whatever the fuck you want Stefan.” I spat at him, “But if you don’t get your hand off my knee in the next two seconds, I am going to jam my fork in it.”
Regret instantly flashed in his eyes and he pulled his hand away, leaning back in his chair.
My fingers curled into a fist as I desperately tried to control my breathing. But when sudden tears started welling in my eyes, I knew I had to get out of here.
I pushed my chair and got up, making everyone turn towards me.
“Honey, are you okay?” Mama Bella asked in a concerned tone.
“I’m fine.” I mumbled quickly.
And without wasting a second I ran out the room.
Chapter 10: Anxiety
Zara
I burst through the French doors that led to the back of the house, breathing in large amounts of air. My hand went to my chest and I rubbed it softly so that the dull ache in my heart would subside.
I leaned against one of the pillars, my eyes shifting to the vast field before me. The winter sky was grey; the clouds barely letting any sunlight pass though. I took in deep breaths, focusing on inhaling and exhaling.
I was so mad at Stefan. The pettiness and squabbles aside, he had no right to touch me like that, especially when he knew what I had been through. But a small voice inside my head also urged me that he wasn’t totally at fault, that he wasn’t aware that sudden contacts still crippled me with anxiety and ache.
I don’t know how long I stood there, waiting for myself to calm down. And when I did, I wiped away my tears, retied my hair and walked back inside.
When I entered the kitchen, Mama Bella and Ria were the only people present there. One look at the watch told me that I’d been gone for a good half an hour.
“Honey, what happened?” Mama Bella asked, rounding the counter to come stand in front of me.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” I waved her off; even though it was clear I wasn’t saying the truth.
“That was the worst lie I’ve heard in a while.” she shook her head in amusement, “But I won’t force you to talk, though if you want to, you can always come to me.”
“Thank you.” I smiled at her gratefully.
“So what do you want to do today?” Ria asked, “Should we start on that FRIENDS marathon?”
Yesterday, while having breakfast, Ria told me that she’d never watched FRIENDS. I was shocked and somehow offended, and I came this close to throwing my juice at her.
And that’s how the two of us ended up curled in her bed with a giant bowl of popcorn between us, having a marathon of a series that I’d watched almost a million times. Unwilling to stop, we even brought our meals to eat in the room itself. I was thankful for that since I didn’t really want to see or be in the same room as Stefan.
The next few days, I avoided Stefan like a plague. I would be out of my room at the earliest and then ignore him during breakfast. Ria and I, occasionally accompanied by Mama Bella, would be holed up in Ria’s room, watching season after season of FRIENDS.
Midway through the fifth season, we heard a knock on the door. I glanced at the clock to see it was nearing eleven.
“Who could it be?” Ria muttered, looking equally confused.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged, “Go see.”
Placing aside the bag of chips, she threw the comforter off her legs and walked towards the door and pulled it open. She didn’t even have time to react as Vincent pushed through, and kissed her straight on the lips.
My mouth fell open.
It seemed as if Ria had temporarily forgotten about me, for she wrapped her arms around Vincent’s neck and pulled him closer.
I cleared my throat, loud enough to stop the tonsil hockey session they had going on. The two of them abruptly turned around, Vincent surprised at my presence, and Ria looking embarrassed.
“Zara.” Vincent smiled at me, “I didn’t know you would be here.”
“Well, next time you walk into a room, at least take a look around before shoving your tongue down someone’s throat.” I rolled my eyes, enjoying the way both he and Ria started squirming.
“Zara!” Ria squeaked, her face reddening to the point of looking like a tomato.
I laughed loudly.
“Well, I’m gonna leave.” I declared. Since I clearly wasn’t needed here anymore, I jumped off the bed and walked to the door, turning around enough to wink at Vincent, “Just don’t forget to wrap it up, Vinny.”
Ria squealed again in embarrassment, Vincent shot me a thumbs up and I laughed, exiting the room and closing the door behind me.
As I was about to walk away, the door opened again and Vincent called out my name.
“Yeah?” I turned around.
He walked forward, carrying a couple of white envelopes, “Can you please give these to Stefan? He’s in his office.”
“Why can’t you give them yourself?” I asked. There was no way I was willingly going up to meet Stefan.
“Because these are really impo
rtant.” he waved them in front of me, “But I really have to talk to Ria tonight.
I debated for a couple moments before snatching them from his hand, “Fine, but you owe me.”
After thanking me over and over again, he slipped back inside the room, and I turned around, walking swiftly along the empty corridor and up the stairs. I passed my room and went straight to Stefan’s office.
Go in, put the envelopes on his desk and walk out. I chided to myself and then knocked twice on the door. When his deep voice resounded with a ‘Come in’, I walked through.
Stefan was sitting behind his huge desk, reading papers from some file and signing them. He didn’t even look up as I went to stand right in front of him, so I took those couple of moments to observe him.
His suit jacket had been pulled off, neatly hung on the back of his chair. The top two buttons of his shirt were open and his sleeves had been folded up to the elbows..
I shook my head and spoke up, “Uh, Vincent sent something for you.”
There was a slight pause in his actions when he realized that it was actually me and not the person he was expecting. But then he recovered and held out his hand, a silent indication for me to hand over the envelopes.
That’s it, I thought, my work here is done.
I turn around and walk towards the door, hoping that it was the end of our conversation and that I could go to my room and go to sleep. But then his deep voice comes again, making me halt mid-step.
“I’m sorry.”
I turned around to face him, unsure if I heard him correctly.
“What did you say?”
“I said I am sorry,” he repeated, “for what I did the other morning. I shouldn’t have touched you that way, especially after knowing everything.”
The fact that Stefan knew that I had been raped always made my stomach curl. But his apology was sincere and it told me he regretted his actions.
“Apology accepted.” I nodded my head at him.
Even though he kept his face blank, I could see the relief wash over his sharp features. He motioned to one of the chairs in front of me.
“Please have as seat. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
I do as he asks; sitting down on one of the chairs opposite to him and leaning back comfortably, waiting for him to speak.
“Since you will be staying here for an indefinite amount of time, you should call the restaurant you work at and tell the owner that you won’t be coming in.”
Until now, I’d completely forgotten about the restaurant. It’s been more than a week today that I hadn’t gone to work.
“I’ll call them first thing tomorrow morning.” I said, but then I paused, “But I don’t have my phone. I must have lost it when…”
“That’s fine.” he waved me off, “You can use one of my phones for right now and I’ll order you a new one with the same number.”
There were a few seconds of silence until he spoke up again.
“Can I ask you something?”
I could tell from his cautious tone that he was going to ask something related to what happened this morning. My nod was subtle, and I braced myself.
“Do they happen often, the anxiety attacks?” he asks.
“No. You just took me by surprise.” my answer was spoken softly, as I fixed my gaze at the bookshelf behind Stefan, unable to look him in the eyes, “They have decreased over time, but any sudden movements or physical contact from strangers gets it triggered.”
“And how do you control it? How do you calm yourself down?”
“My therapist taught me to try and control my breathing.” I answer, “I count and take ten deep breaths, and try to focus my attention on anything other than the memories in my head.”
“Does that help?” he enquires.
“For the minor ones, it does.” I tell him, refusing to look him in the eyes, “But when I get the big ones, all I can do it curl up and lie down, and wait for it to pass.”
He does not interrupt me when I go on.
“They usually happen when I wake up from nightmares. It’s a couple of hours full of constant heartache and tears.”
I pause when I realize something. I was willingly talking to Stefan about my anxiety attacks. The only other person that knew about them was my therapist.
But somehow, telling Stefan felt right.
“Look at me, Zara.”
His words interrupted my chain of thoughts, and I turned my head to look into those grey orbs.
“Do you remember anything from that night, after you made the 911 call?” he asks, “Anything from the hospital?”
I shook my head, “No. Only from the day I got released.”
It looked like he was about to tell me something, something important.
Before he could, his phone started ringing, crashing through the suspended silence of the room. Letting out a low curse, he picked the call, answering whoever it was on the other side with an irritated ‘hello’.
I hid a smile and my eyes moved from his face, roaming over the contents of his desk. I took a moment to marvel at how neatly everything had been arranged- the laptop, the files, three phones lined up next to the pens.
It wasn’t until my eyes landed on a photograph peeking out from one of the files that I halted my survey.
Without a word, I reached forward and plucked it out, ignoring Stefan’s questioning look while he talked on the phone.
I froze.
It was him. My tormentor.
Granted I hadn’t seen his face, but I could recognize those green eyes anywhere. Every cell of my body filled with dread when I saw the face of the man who destroyed my life two years ago.
“Zara?”
Stefan’s voice made me snap my eyes towards him. He was done with his phone call, and now his calculating gaze was fixed on me and the picture in my hand.
“Who is this man?” I held it up, my voice hoarse with emotion.
Stefan looked at me gravely for a moment and then answered, “That is Valentin Romano. He was Diego’s underboss and took over the family after Diego was shot dead.”
I slumped back in my chair, unable to breathe. Everything from two years ago came haunting back.
Clawing. Screeching. Hurting.
I needed to get out of here before Stefan’s sees me have another breakdown.
Placing the photograph back on the table, I bolted from my chair and out the room. I didn’t turn back when Stefan called my name. I just ran to my bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me.
The sobs broke free, so harsh that my entire body trembled. My knees gave away and I fell to the floor, struggling to breathe as tears flowed freely down my cheeks.
Air. I needed fresh air.