by Nina Manning
I pushed a pillow under my stomach and wrapped the duvet around me. I could hear the sound of the wind batting against the window and I imagined the force of it colliding with the noxious thoughts in my head and forcing them out. But it didn’t. Instead I fell into a fitful slumber plagued by the words that made no sense and with the haunting image of Annie’s placid expression at the forefront of my mind.
I woke suddenly to the sound of Annie placing down a tray on the bedside table. On it was a bowl of homemade tomato soup and some thick crusty bread.
‘This will make you feel great,’ she advised. ‘Better to get those nutrients in you now, the baby will literally be sucking the life out of you, you’ll be wasting away.’
The memories I had forced away all those years ago were seeping back. I was young and the sickness knocked me off my feet. So used to flitting around without a care, suddenly I was burdened with the nausea from hell. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had lain in bed for weeks.
‘Thank you, Annie,’ I said and sat up. She gave me a weak smile and left the room.
Soon after I finished the soup, I began to feel tired again. The baby was growing fast, it was understandable I would feel this drained. I placed the tray on the bedside table and I lay down. I closed my eyes just to rest them for a moment.
I woke at dusk. I hauled myself out of bed with a groggy head and I forced myself to go downstairs. I found Annie in the kitchen preparing Tupperware boxes of food. She turned when she heard me come in.
‘Just getting a few lunches made up for you. Soups and pastas and the likes. You slept for a while. I told you you needed the rest, didn’t I?’ I nodded. Sleep still enveloped me.
‘Tea?’ Annie flicked the switch on the kettle. ‘I was just making one. Are you hungry?’
‘Erm, not just yet,’ I rubbed my eyes trying to bring myself back to the present. Everything still felt dreamlike; I had slept long and hard.
‘Go and sit down. I’ll bring your tea through.’ Annie waved me out of the room.
I settled myself on the sofa, picked up a country lifestyle magazine and started to flick through. I tried to imagine the perfect country idyllic life that the magazine portrayed and wondered if anyone actually reached the point where they felt pure satisfaction with everything? Surely a checked throw or a cream Aga weren’t not the answer to everything. Surely the people that lived in these worlds still had problems? Didn’t they?
‘Did Ben come out when he was ready?’ I asked when Annie returned to the lounge with the tea. I surprised myself with the question and realised I had been unconsciously thinking of the birth. Annie didn’t reply straight away, she looked at me for a few moments and when she answered it was as though she were looking straight through me.
‘Yes,’ she said absently ‘He always did what he wanted to do. Never in a malicious way, mind.’ She handed me a cup. ‘Here’s your tea.’
I took the mug and smiled my thanks.
‘It will be getting on for dinnertime soon, so I’ll just go and get on.’ Annie backed out of the room. ‘There’s some more new magazines there.’ She motioned towards the coffee table. I looked at the neatly arranged pile of monthly glossies.
‘Oh right, okay, thanks. Any parenting ones there?’ I asked jovially. Annie gave me a tight smile. She had just turned to go when we were suddenly both startled by a loud clattering that sounded as though it was coming from the kitchen. Annie looked towards the door.
‘Bloody feral cats again.’ Annie jumped up and started ringing her apron between her hands.
‘Are they in the house?’ I asked.
‘No… it’s outside. There’s an old tin bin, I leave out there to burn rubbish sometimes. They like to knock it over and it makes a racket.
‘Who do they belong to?’
‘Who?’ Annie was distracted by looking at the doorway.
‘The cats? Are they the neighbours’?’
‘What? No, they’re feral, like wild tigers. Stay away, Daisy, if you get scratched by one it will be a risk to the baby.’
She came over to the sofa and perched next to me and pulled up her sleeve ‘I tried to shoo one away last night, and look what the blighter did to me!’ There on Annie’s left arm were three scratch lines, red and raw. I sucked the breath in between my teeth
‘It looks sore.’
Annie shook off my comment. ‘There’s not long to go now Daisy, until the baby is born we don’t want to risk anything happening to you. Don’t worry about anything else except eating and breathing. The baby is the most important thing, do you understand?’ Annie stood up ‘Now let me deal with those cats.’ Annie walked from the room and before I realised what I had done, I had lifted my hand to my stomach and let it rest there.
Annie
I had known the day Ben had told me about Daisy that he was smitten. I then saw the way Ben looked at his tall slim wife with her blue eyes and blonde hair, her long eyelashes and perfectly pink cheeks. The way her long golden hair cascading down her back so effortlessly. He was like a moth to a flame when she was near. She was always the one he was going to leave me for. I saw in Ben’s eyes that look of pure love. It was true love, the sort of love that one only has for their mother. I feared I was going to be replaced. The relationship I had with Ben to date could be gone. Everything I had fought for and tried for could be finished because I would never be any match for such goddess beauty. Ben was putty in Daisy’s hands. But I had put an end to that obsession. I had shown Ben what Daisy truly was. And now he was gone. It was the price I had to pay to make him see the truth. But he would be back, I was sure of that. Ben’s absence would break their bond, though surely it was already broken? I wasn’t a bad person for seeing the truth in the woman my son married and for wanting the best for my unborn grandchild.
I had thought of everything when it came to bringing my grandchild into the world, the birth being the most important part to consider foremost. I had my knowledge of pharmacy, but babies, that was a whole different ball game. But I had done plenty of research and preparation. I was sure Daisy was going be fine. She was a strong healthy girl and I had been feeding her all the right things. Once that baby was born, all would be well again and that baby would never want to leave me the way Ben did.
Grace
I continued with the cookery classes, in spite of my husband leaving. I had a baby to think of now. It was going to be just us.
When I arrived for one of our lessons, still with my secret growing within me, I saw Jenny standing in her usual place. She was beautiful and so tall it astounded me every time. Today her thick golden hair was falling naturally around her shoulders. I could see Jenny was fussing with it and patting her cheeks whilst holding a small compact mirror in her hand. When she saw me arrive, she snapped the mirror shut and her face stretched into a full beaming smile.
‘Grace! It’s so good to see you again. How have you been? Have you managed to practise any of the recipes yet? My husband is most impressed with the lasagne and he absolutely loved the scones. I think I might be getting rather good already and it’s only been a few weeks.’ Jenny wittered on. Every now and again her hand would rush to her cheek and she would try to turn her head but I had already seen it. Another bruise. This one was too big to hide. No amount of make-up was going to fix that mess.
I realised that the woman who was standing before me was no longer the same woman I envied on the first week, with her perfect home life, growing brood and fertile ovaries. It was obvious that Jenny didn’t want to share with me what had happened. Mikee had a bruise a few weeks ago, she had one on the other side of her face last week and now this. It was clear that she was the victim. I bent down slightly to see if she had brought with her the little boy. He sat in his usual place, playing quietly with the toy train and I gave him a small wave. This time he looked up and waved back and my stomach did a little somersault. It was a sensation I had never before experienced. He was incredibly endearing. He continued choo-chooing around under th
e table, every now and again looking at me and giving me a cheeky smile. I watched him for a few seconds longer and then stood back up and looked at Jenny.
‘What a good little boy,’ I said and Jenny looked forlorn. ‘And your husband? What does he think?’ But I already knew the answer. It was black and blue and shining across her left cheek bone. I saw tears spring to Jenny’s eyes. She looked away across the room for a second to blink them away.
‘What a fool he is. Such an old man. Thinks we can’t afford another. But what’s one more I told him, when we already have three!’ Her voice was high and strained. ‘Better make this the last one.’ She spoke softer. I looked at Jenny’s stomach which after three babies was clearly showing the signs of a healthy baby bump. The baby that Jenny was carrying was obviously an inconvenience and whilst she appeared to be immaculately turned out, I now saw the tiny tear in the hem of her skirt and the scuffs on her high heels. She was wearing the same outfit she had been wearing the week before. She was clever at making herself look well-presented, as the way she did her hair made it appear, but it was now obvious to me that Jenny and her family struggled. She probably wasn’t even paying for the classes, she had made it clear that she knew Emily well and I had not noted Jenny’s name on the register yet where everyone else had a tick under the word ‘paid’.
I wondered if the baby Jenny was carrying was one created from love and would it ultimately be unwanted. It made me realise how life could be so cruel. How I had wanted a baby so dearly and how it would make my husband happier, how I would never be enough for him. Now I had what I wanted, I would hold onto this baby tighter, do as much as I could to make sure it stayed safe. Back then I actually had had daydreams where I thought the baby could be the glue to heal the marriage. Whereas in Jenny’s case it was tearing hers apart. I reached over onto the counter and touched her quivering hand. Jenny looked at it and I could see in her eyes that she knew what I had seen, sometimes there is just no hiding things from other women, and we don’t even need to say anything.
The lesson began and Jenny seemed to relax a little more into the moment. Intermittently, Mikee would show his face under the counter and Jenny would toss him a bit of pastry to knead in his chunky little hands, he grinned up at me and I did a peek-a-boo back at him.
When the class had finished, I touched Jenny on her arm. ‘I’ll see you next week?’
‘Oh gosh, yes. Wouldn’t miss it for the world. Look at us two, like a real pair of Mary Berrys.’ Jenny chuckled and motioned for Mikee to come out of his play den under the table. When he stood up, he smiled at me.
‘Say bye bye to Grace, Mikee,’ Jenny said.
‘Bye bye,’ Mikee said softly and waved with his little chubby arm and if it wasn’t for the foetus growing inside me, I would certainly have felt the crushing weight of a childless existence bear down on me even harder.
Daisy
Looking back now, I realised it was this very day that was the turning point. The point at which I became the most vulnerable and which I allowed everything to turn sour. To date I must have been living in some sort of dream. I hadn’t been completely thinking straight. I think I was just sleepwalking through each day rather than allowing my feelings to surface, I was pushing them down, hiding them. From Annie. I didn’t want her to see me at my most raw. I didn’t want her to see me weak.
That morning, I got up and got dressed as usual, taking particular care over my hair, which had grown longer and unruly. Much like it was when I was a little girl and I would run wild around the vast garden in the family home.
I tied it back into a ponytail and then went the extra mile and pulled it around into a neat bun. I examined myself closely. I reminded myself of my old primary school teacher, not the aerobics instructor I had been months ago. The floral floaty dress which Annie had picked out for me last week, compensated for my hair that hadn’t been shaped or cut for months. I applied a subtle shade of red to my lips, one of the few things I had left that had belonged to Eve. She had dropped it in my handbag with a cheeky grin and a wink on that night. The last night.
I picked up the letter again. I needed to check that it was today because my mind was all over the place, I couldn’t seem to hold onto a single thought properly. I felt a sudden urge to be sick again. I ran from the bedroom, into the bathroom and allowed the retching to take over my body. There was nothing to come out because I hadn’t eaten anything that morning even though Annie had stood over me sternly urging me to eat some of the scrambled eggs she had prepared.
Annie insisted on driving me to the court and I could tell she was quietly smug that I had allowed her to. Patrick had texted me a few times, offering his services in the gallant manner in which only he knew best, but I didn’t wish to put him out. He was sad not to be nearer to me, that he couldn’t step in and offer his help as and when. I tried not to think about his last words to me about his intense feelings for Eve. I had known Patrick for so long, I couldn’t begin to doubt him as well.
Annie was obligingly quiet for the thirty-minute journey, allowing me to be alone with my thoughts. She parked outside the court and made quite a show of helping me out of the car in front of Patrick. She gave an awkward acknowledgement towards him and said she would meet me in the café around the corner in about an hour. I looked up at the bright blue March sky against the contrast of the dirty grey backstreet town building and thought about what was waiting for me on the inside.
Seeing Patrick was stranger than I had expected. He had really lost a lot more weight and when he embraced me I could feel the bones in his back through his thin jacket.
‘Darling, you look positively…’ Patrick struggled with the final word.
‘Shit.’ I coughed out a laugh.
‘No, just, well… you look tired. But you are glowing, blooming, and you are carrying a human inside you.’ He placed his arm around my shoulder and escorted me into the coroner’s court. A police officer greeted us in the doorway.
‘Hi,’ he said, looking at me.
‘Daisy, this is Simon. He has been assigned as my family liaison officer. We’ve got quite a rapport going on, haven’t we buddy?’ Patrick slapped Simon’s arm in his usual jovial manner. Simon smiled kindly and held out his hand to me.
‘It’s nice to finally meet you, Daisy,’ he said. I placed my small hand in his large firm grip and let him shake it. ‘So guys, the way this is going to work is, they will call you in in a little while. You will sit at the front. So far, it looks like it is just you two. When you get called I will walk you through into the room. You will hear the full report read out and you might be asked to say a few words, about Eve and the night it happened.’ I felt my stomach drop and my face must have done something similar. ‘Don’t worry!’ Simon reassured. ‘Just basic stuff, just to clarify and it’s mostly yes/no answers anyway. There will be some things that you might not want to hear…. like the way Eve died, but it’s okay, you’ll be fine. There will be probably be a journalist sat at the back, taking notes for the small piece in the paper. It’s so small…’ Simon noted my expression again. ‘Then that’s it pretty much really. You’ll be fine.’ Simon looked at Patrick for encouragement.
‘Yep, come on, Daisy, let’s go and do this for our girl.’ I allowed myself to be taken into the court room.
Patrick held my hand tighter than I had expected. I knew it was for his own sake and not mine.
Yet for the thirty minutes we were in the room listening to how Eve’s head had made contact with the kitchen work surface when she was catapulted backwards during the gas explosion, and how the explosion was caused by a faulty gas appliance, I died a little more inside because I knew I was to blame. I was solely to blame because how could Eve be to blame? Eve was no more, so couldn’t bear the burden. Neither of us had reported the fault to the landlord, so he certainly wasn’t to blame. Of course, the coroner’s report didn’t at any time mention that one particular person was at fault, but I knew I was. I didn’t cry because I felt I didn’t deserv
e to cry. Instead I pinched my right thigh with my right hand and began to build the self-hatred within myself that would stay there for a very long time.
Outside the coroner’s court, Patrick tried to comfort me over and over again, but I rejected his comments and his arms.
‘I can’t see you for a while, Patrick. I hope you understand. I just need to deal with this. I can’t do that if I see you. Please, please don’t contact me.’
‘But, darling,’ Patrick held his hand out even though he knew it was about to be made redundant. ‘I need you. You’re all I have left of her.’ I pushed passed him and rushed out into the bright morning and headed towards the café.
I stood in the middle of the brightly-lit room and watched as it began to spin about me.
I felt someone grab my arm and I looked around to see Annie.
‘Come on,’ she said and walked me outside.
Annie helped me to get my seat belt on and sat back in the driver’s seat.
‘Right, let’s get you home then.’
‘Should I go to the hospital, Annie, I feel… not well.’
‘It’s the shock dear. Nothing more.’
‘But the baby,’ I heard myself say for the first time.
‘Now, Daisy.’ Annie placed her hands on the wheel and looked straight ahead. ‘You and I both know you are not feeling your best at the moment. Do I need to spell it out? As soon they see you in that hospital and see the state you are in, you know what will happen, don’t you?’ Annie waited for a response from me, when it didn’t come, she continued. ‘They will start making notes about you. Before you know it, you will be considered a high-risk case. Especially after everything that has happened with Eve. I presume the verdict was accidental death? I presume you are feeling the brunt of the blame? Do you know what the journalists will say about that?’