by Nina Manning
I looked up at Annie. ‘But the family liaison officer said it would be a really small piece in the paper…’
‘Yes, Daisy, small, but it’s the words they will use. They will hint at neglect on the part of you girls. Did you ever get that appliance checked?’
‘I know it’s my fault, but I didn’t do it on purpose.’ I began to cry. I couldn’t hide my emotions any longer.
‘My dear, of course it’s not your fault. Entirely. It was just a tragic accident. But these doctors, they talk to the social service people. They will start putting two and two together and coming up with all sorts. I’ve seen women have their babies taken away for far less.’
Annie’s words were crushing me, I couldn’t breathe. I willed her to start driving so I could feel the comfort from the motion of the car where she would take me back to the beach house, where I knew I would be safe.
Annie
I got Daisy settled under the bed sheets before handing her a camomile tea. I concluded that extra iron wouldn’t go amiss at this stage and I had stopped on the way home and bought a cart load of vitamins.
‘Now drink this, swallow a couple of these; I’ve got iron, zinc and vitamin C and try not to think about that awful stuff. You will prepare yourself for reading what they print, but then you will put it behind you. This week’s newspaper will be lining next week’s bins, my dear.’
‘I feel like I need something stronger.’
I watched as Daisy’s teeth chattered and her hands shook.
‘I’ll run you a warm bath and get you a shot of brandy. One shot can’t do any harm on a day like today.’
Daisy nodded and I left the room.
I went to the bathroom and began to run the water in the bath.
When I returned to the bedroom, I found Daisy crouched down on the floor. Fear catapulted through me. If Daisy was miscarrying, the mess would be horrendous. I wasn’t sure I was able to cope with that. However, as I approached Daisy’s bedside, I couldn’t see any blood and there were no signs that she was in pain. She was however, weeping. Well, that was something at least. But to say she was inconsolable was an understatement. It took me half an hour to get one word out of her and then another half an hour to get her undressed and into the bath. All the while, Daisy was muttering like a drunk, talking about Ben and Eve in incomprehensible short blasts. Once she was out of the bath and dry again she had seemed to settle a bit.
‘Shall I see if I can get something for you? Something to take the edge off it?’ I looked down at Daisy sat up in bed with my fluffy dressing gown on, her cheeks were rosy from the steam and heat of the bath.
‘You mean drugs?’
‘Yes, Daisy. I mean drugs. I know what to get and where to get it. I have plenty of whatever you need here. I know exactly what will work for you.’
‘What about the baby?’
‘Oh don’t worry about the baby, Daisy dear. I would never dream of hurting the baby.’
Daisy seemed to respond to the drugs very well. Just a little something to take the edge off it. At least there wouldn’t be any more of those meltdowns. There was only so much I could take of that. But it wouldn’t be long until she was completely dependent on them, so she wouldn’t feel any of those horrible feelings again.
I was never one to respond well to a cry baby. Ben hadn’t cried very much when he was a little boy. If he had fallen down and hurt himself, he would sit quietly for a moment, as though he were making the pain disperse back within him, and then he would stand up and carry on. None of this running to me to kiss it better. There was never any running to me for anything really, which at first had bothered me, until I realised the convenience of it. I was a mother with a son, but without all the silly soppy nonsense that went with it.
For the next few days Daisy took her meals alone in her room and came downstairs once a day for some fresh air and a walk around the garden. There was little interaction between the two of us. Which suited me fine. I was an excellent mother and carer. I knew how to make a house a home, I dressed my son to perfection, helped him with his schoolwork and cooked healthy homemade meals. I expected that to compensate for what I lacked in cuddles and all those other things I saw mothers do with their children. I think in the end too much soppiness ruins a child.
Occasionally Daisy asked questions, about Ben or Eve, or talked about police and hospitals, and when I could hear the worry heighten in her voice, I would increase the amount of the drugs, which would send the girl into a compliant state once more.
The swell to Daisy’s stomach was increasing day by day as there was barely anything of her anyway. I could almost feel the tiny bundle in my arms. It wasn’t going to be long now.
The pool arrived and I had already set it up in the dining room and looked at it daily and imagined the little purple bundle sliding out into the water, just as I had seen on the videos on YouTube. It was the perfectly natural way for babies to come into the world. Just like my Ben did.
Each week I had been ordering something from the internet to arrive.
I had showed the basic bits to Daisy, who had pulled her mouth into some sort of expression that neither indicated nonchalance nor excitement. But I had been secretly stashing away all the other little extra things, like mobiles, booties and cotton blankets.
This was what I was good at, being organised. I thought about Ben and for a moment I felt close to him again, as though he wasn’t far away. We had come so far and achieved so much together as a team.
I just hoped one day he would realise it as much as I did.
Daisy
It was a topsy-turvy world I was living in. I couldn’t stop saying the words. Topsy-turvy. They kept rolling around in my head. I couldn’t remember when I had ever used the words topsy-turvy before. But they seemed appropriate and they seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my head like two uninvited lodgers. Yet they were the only description of how I was feeling. What if they never went away? What if every day was spent with those two ridiculous words stuck in my head? At the thought of this my mouth became very dry and the pit of my stomach churned. My legs started to shake on autopilot. It wasn’t cold. In fact, it was too warm. So why was I shivering. I stood and looked out of the closed window. Below the sea was still and I could see the silhouette of a man and a dog in the distance. It was early, or so it seemed. The world had just been continuing around me and I had never felt so disconnected. I looked at the sand, the sea; the man in the distance and although I could see them, none of it felt real. It was all just… topsy-turvy.
I felt empty, even though I was brimming with new life.
Annie had promoted herself without any protest from me, to taking care of pretty much everything. She had told me there was no need to go for any scans or have appointments. It was a relief in a way, because since the day of the court, I had barely even stepped outside the front door. Patrick’s words still haunted me and without Ben here I felt terrified. Since Eve’s inquest result I felt the burden of her death even more heavily. It was an effort to do most things. Staying put felt right. I was safe here.
Besides, I was not entirely sure how I would have made it out of the house and have actual conversations with people. I had long forgotten what it was like to be functioning at a reasonable level. Didn’t I have a life? A job? I couldn’t remember what it felt like, I couldn’t place those feelings again, the feeling of just being, without this weight of doubt and worry in the pit of my stomach. Suddenly my attention was drawn to a ticking sound in the room. I looked at the bedside table. There was a large round clock with a black base and a white face. It was just there. Had I noticed that before? I wasn’t sure I had. It looked familiar yet completely alien.
My mind raced backwards and forwards to what I could see now out of the window, the ticking of the clock and the last day I saw Ben. I couldn’t even remember what I had said to him now. I could see that clock face plain as day but I could not remember what Ben looked like. I had several photos of him in my phone
but the task of going into the photos folders and scrolling through images filled me with dread. A mundane and thoughtless task suddenly seemed arduous and terrifying.
I just knew that this was all my fault. Everything that had happened to Eve, the reason Ben wasn’t here, it was all down to me.
The fragility of life was suddenly weighing down upon me. Something I had taken for granted, something I had rarely thought about, was now apparent. I was very conscious and aware of living. I could hear and feel the breath in my chest. It felt laboured and obvious.
Standing in this room, breathing, looking but not seeing, hearing the clocks heavy ticking. Those words, still falling about my mind:
Topsy-turvy.
Topsy-turvy.
Topsy—
‘Daisy! What are you doing standing there? You should have flung that window open by now, it’s so hot in here.’
I turned and saw Annie standing there in all her glory. Keen and excited for another day preparing herself for becoming a grandmother.
‘Did I have breakfast?’ I asked in a monotonous voice that didn’t sound like me.
‘No, not yet. I’m going to make you a sandwich and fruit. It’s almost lunchtime. I just thought I would come and show you this!’ She practically fell towards me with excitement. I stepped back slightly, feeling threatened by the energy.
‘Look!’ Annie thrust a white machine towards my face.
‘It’s so we can hear the baby’s heartbeat! Would you look at that? It just arrived.’ I looked at the contraption in Annie’s hand. I was suddenly filled with dread. Was I ready to hear the heartbeat? I was feeling the kicks daily but to hear him or her would clarify it further. That I was to become a mother. A mother I failed at being the first time. I wasn’t sure if I was ready
Right then, dear, let’s get you some lunch and then I’ll be back to try this out.’ Annie swept herself out of the room as quickly as she entered it.
Sometime later she returned. It couldn’t have been too long as I hadn’t yet made it from the window over to the bed. Annie laid the tray out on one side of the bed and patted the other side. I obeyed and sat down like an old trained dog.
She handed me a glass of water and small white tablet. I took them both, placed the pill on my tongue and swallowed it with a large glass of water.
I had no idea what I was taking them for. But Annie had upped the dosage to two a day since the day at the court. She said I was slightly unstable and to get me back on track I needed a little pick me up.
‘I don’t feel like these are working,’ I said with a slight tremor to my voice. I still felt as though I was living life outside of myself as an observer.
‘That’s because you’re carrying a baby. Your hormones are all over the place. But believe me, if you weren’t taking them…’ Annie stopped fussing with the tray and looked at me. ‘Well, Daisy, I don’t know what state you would be in. You have had such a shock these last few months. So much to deal with.’ Annie whipped out the strange-looking machine again. ‘Right, finish your sandwich and then shall we have a go with this thing then?’
I chewed and swallowed the bread which felt thick as a brick in my throat. Annie looked at me with what looked like irritation.
‘Something wrong?’
‘I’ve never been a big eater of bread and I don’t know, it tastes strange today.’
‘It’s bread, Daisy. It won’t kill you,’ Annie said and all I heard was that one word. Kill. I looked at her and her stare seemed to penetrate through me.
I put the plate with half-eaten sandwich back on the tray and Annie placed it on the floor.
‘This bit is the Doppler!’ Annie held the base up. ‘You put the headphones on and hear the baby’s heartbeat. The Doppler goes on your stomach, I think… I’m not sure. Anyway, let’s just muddle through. You are supposed to lie down and pull your T-shirt up. I’ve got this gel stuff, it helps move the Doppler bit around so we can hear the baby.’
I lay down and pulled my T-shirt up.
‘Well, aren’t you lucky not to have stretch marks Daisy?’ Annie’s voice sailed through a cacophony of notes as she fiddled with the device.
‘Did you get stretch marks? With Ben?’ I asked.
Annie stopped fiddling and her faraway look was back. ‘Oh yes, as far as the eye could see. I’d never make a bikini model. Right, shall we get on then?’ Annie’s look was gone and she was back in the moment. I eyed the Doppler nervously. ‘There’s nothing to worry about, it’s like listening to a song on a pair of headphones.’
Annie rubbed some gel on the Doppler and then placed it on my bump.
‘Hold that in place whilst I get these things on.’ I placed my hand over the alien contraption whilst Annie began arranging the headphones over her own ears.
‘Aren’t those supposed to be for me?’ I wasn’t sure I had said the words. It didn’t feel like I had enough strength in me to say them. I looked at Annie getting the headphones arranged neatly over her ears. Annie pulled one foam earpiece away.
‘What’s that, dear?’
‘I… erm… shouldn’t I hear the baby first?’ I repeated.
‘Well, yes, dear, let me just get this thing going…’ Annie began pressing buttons on the Doppler and moving it around my taut stomach. ‘Then we can… oh right, that was easy, oh yes, that’s it… oh…’ Annie sat in front of me on the bed. She sat very still, completely in her own world, listening intently. I too sat quietly, not wanting to interrupt what seemed like a poignant and precious moment. I ignored the stirring pang that was suddenly there. A want, a need to hear what was alive inside me. A few minutes later, Annie pulled the headphones from her ears and let them sit around her neck.
‘Well, that was… lovely.’ Annie sat still for a few moments.
‘Did it remind you of Ben?’
‘What? Oh yes, it’s so delightful to hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time, there’s nothing like it. Here, here.’ She pulled off the headphones. ‘You try.’
She placed them on my ears.
‘I can’t hear anything,’ I said, not even aware of the level of my own voice.
‘Hang on a minute.’ Annie moved the Doppler about. ‘Little rascal is on the move.’ A loud echoing punching sound was suddenly in my ears. With the noises of the room completely shut out, I felt as though I were in the womb myself. I closed my eyes and imagined a small warm cosy space, where the baby was cuddled. I too wanted to be transported there, to feel safe and unconscious. I was being lulled by the heartbeat into a state of meditation. I felt suddenly calm. I had completely forgotten where I was. I didn’t know I was crying until there was a salty taste in my mouth. Suddenly the headphones were being pulled off my ears and I was catapulted back to stark reality of the bedroom. Annie was standing over me taking the Doppler from my stomach.
‘Right that’s enough for today. I read you shouldn’t do it too often either, something to do with radiation.’
‘Radiation?’ I wiped the tears away and pulled my T-shirt back down and shuffled my body back up the bed.
‘Well yes, Daisy, of course this is all unnatural materials. Didn’t have this in my day. Got to be careful.’
Annie was packing the monitor away in the box.
‘So how did you hear the heartbeat?’
‘What?’ Annie snapped and spun back around to look at me.
‘You said you didn’t have this equipment. But when I asked you a moment ago, you said it reminded you of Ben.’
Annie pursed her lips and then spoke curtly.
‘It was something similar. Not as technical. It was a very old contraption that was much like a stethoscope if you must know.’ Annie looked perturbed. ‘At the doctor’s surgery. None of these fancy at home machines.’ Annie looked at me sternly. ‘I’ll be serving coffee downstairs in fifteen minutes if you can drag yourself out of this pit.’
Annie marched out of the room clutching the box with the heart monitor in it.
I lay back and closed
my eyes again, waves of negativity flooded my body. Something didn’t feel right about any of what just happened. It reminded me of another incident and I found myself thinking back to the first day I met Annie when I got burned by the teapot. I began to feel a glimmer of an instinctual feeling, a force that was pulling me closer to the life growing within me. I had felt safe until now here at the beach house, but Annie’s behaviour towards me was increasing alarming. This woman I should be thinking of as my mother-in-law was as much as a stranger to me as my husband.
I tried to bring myself back to the feeling in the womb, imagining myself tucked away there safely. I even allowed myself a brief image of the baby in there all cosy and I felt a flicker of optimism that I was doing something mildly worthy. Even without the headphones on, I could still hear the heartbeat echoing in my ears. There was a baby inside me. Of course there was… It was natural, innate within me to be able to cope with being a mother. My senses were momentarily awakened by what I had just heard. I would ask Annie to let me hear it often enough to keep me thinking positively about the birth, which was now so close. The shift in my emotion was so slight, but it gave me enough energy to get up from the bed and go to the window. Outside a few clouds had gathered to create a grey tinge to the sky and the ocean looked wide and empty. It made me feel uneasy. I thought about the baby and the responsibility. I was incapable before, why would I be capable now. I would have no choice but to be its mother. That choice had been removed from me before, too easily when I look back now. But today I was fully grown woman, able to make my own decisions and those for a helpless infant.
The baby would want to be walked, fed and cuddled. It would be solely reliant on me. The thought made the panic rise from my stomach to my throat. I slowly backed away from the window and the vast endless sea and went back to the security of the bed.