by Nina Manning
It was dark, I was in the place somewhere between awake and asleep. Somewhere I was familiar with recently and it felt very comfortable to be there. I could hear banging. Was it coming from me, in my chest? I began to rouse myself a little more. The sound continued. It was a familiar noise something I had heard before. It was comforting, it was a sound that was pulling me towards consciousness. Bang bang bang… the baby. It was trying to get out? My eyes shot open. I could now feel my own heart pounding. I reached for my phone to see the time. It was just after 6 a.m. and starting to get light. The room was quiet. No banging. The window was closed. I had been dreaming. There was a glass of water and a pill on the bedside table. I had been taking them twice daily now, but for what? I accepted them because of how much pain I was in over Eve and the loss and anger I felt over Ben. A thought came to me. What if I didn’t take the pill today? I had been taking them for so many weeks now, surely they couldn’t be doing the baby any good.
But I was numb with them. The idea of experiencing a tsunami of emotions that related to Ben, Eve and the baby terrified me.
I rolled towards the bedside table, put the pill on my tongue and took a long gulp of water.
Annie
In hindsight it was a ridiculous thing to have done. I had wanted to hear the baby’s heartbeat for myself, to check everything was as it should be. I had read so much online recently and checking the baby’s heart at home was something a lot of mums were doing these days. It had been impossible to get anything out of Daisy in terms of what the baby was doing, how she was feeling or anything to do with the pregnancy, so the Doppler seemed the obvious option. I hadn’t realised for a moment it would trigger some sort of maternal instinct in Daisy. All those tears. She knew she wouldn’t be good enough for this baby and I didn’t need to confuse her by letting her hear think otherwise.
Daisy’s pregnancy and imminent arrival of my first grandchild was making the memories of those early days with Ben come back alive, finally getting the boy I had hoped for. I couldn’t ever imagine myself with a girl. I think I wanted a boy in the beginning for Rory. Every man hopes for their own son. But in the end, I wanted a boy for me. I wanted that tender dependency coupled with fearless adventure seeking that boys were renowned for being with their mothers. But until Daisy came along, Ben was happy with just me. As a child, Ben was careful, thoughtful, never one to take chances. I always wondered if and when things might change. And they had. Things had definitely changed. I felt the longing for the innocence again.
These last few months with Daisy were reminding me so much of how it was with me and Ben, how becoming a mother for the first time was exhilarating yet scary. I wasn’t sleeping well, I knew that. I was waking in the mornings feeling extremely fatigued. My muscles ached daily from the amount of hard graft I was doing around the house, always trying to maintain a tidy and hygienic house.
In the mornings I looked at the bed sheets and it appeared as though I had been having some sort of fight with the pillows in the night. I had clearly been experiencing fitful sleep. I looked at my arms and legs, they were littered with small bruises.
I knew it was the stress of it all. I might not be the one pregnant this time, but I was carrying all the anxieties. I needed to de-stress.
The beach. It called to me on days like this. I would leave Daisy in bed. It was still early. She was rising later these days with only a few weeks to go. I would walk along the rocky shore, the way Ben and I did when he was young. We would look for small stones to throw into the water and sit and watch the fishermen far out to sea and guess what they might be catching.
I pulled on a light cardigan as, even though it was almost April, the sea breeze always found its way to my bones.
I set out down the garden and strode over the small wall which took me straight onto the beach. Even though it was considered private land, occasionally people would wander past. It always unnerved me, but I turned a blind eye and hid in the summer house until they were out of sight, never really wanting to draw attention to myself.
As I walked I thought about Daisy sat alone in the house, her purpose now clear in my head. I had muddled feelings of Ben, I was hanging onto the boy he was, yet he was a man now, with thoughts and feelings so far removed from me. I had despised Daisy from the outset, but now it was clear why Ben had brought her here: to deliver the new baby into my world.
A seagull landed on a piece of driftwood in front of me but flew off the moment I approached. There was no one on the beach today, so I took the time to enjoy and reflect on what I had created for me and my son. The vast space, the gentle sound of the rolling waves, the foaming froth of the tide. It was all so close to me and yet I rarely came out and enjoyed it these days.
These sounds and these sights of the natural waves and wind healed my doubts and insecurities as they seemed larger than the problems I had. They engulfed them and swallowed them down whole. I used to worry about Daisy and her impact on my life but now I was starting to feel confident again, things were starting to click into place. There were certain things that were out of my control, that I had tried tirelessly to control for too long. I felt ready to let go. It was time for a fresh start.
Grace
I arrived at Emily’s house for one of the lessons in late May, ready to make chicken and ham pie and oat cookies. Jenny was in a particular flap. She looked anxious and kept touching her long blonde hair that was tied up in her usual French pleat. I could tell that something wasn’t right about her, so I waited until she got little Mikee settled under the table and then approached her. I arrived at her side and touched her arm.
‘Hello, Jenny.’
Jenny jumped and turned to look at me throwing her hand to her chest. ‘Oh, Grace, golly, you gave me a fright.’
‘You look bothered by something?’ I frowned at the woman I now felt such a strong connection towards, a sort of nurturing protection. I felt as though we were sisters; that I could tell her anything. And I would of course. Very soon.
It was comforting to have someone else I knew who was also anxious, it took the focus off my own stresses and worries. I was feeling the beginnings of morning sickness. The tiredness had set in. The pregnancy was very real again. I was worried about the life of this child. I wanted my body to hold on to it so much I was using everything I could to do so.
Jenny looked especially fraught that morning. She was wringing her hands and hunting through her handbag over and over.
‘Is there something I can do for you? Cup of tea perhaps?’ I quizzed, knowing it was tea I wished for myself. Tea and a chat with someone who understood me and the situation and the exciting journey of motherhood I was about to embark on.
‘No, no, not tea. I’ve drank six cups already this morning,’ Jenny said with her head in her bag. I looked on curiously.
‘Have you lost something?’ I asked her.
‘No. I’m just checking…’ Jenny tried to construct a sentence but was clearly too absorbed in her task. Then she suddenly stopped her searching to look at me. Her face softened and she whispered, ‘Can you keep a secret?’
I touched my chest.
‘Yes, Jenny.’ I said and she nodded. My chest felt as though it might explode with the love I felt for her right then. ‘I can keep your secret, Jenny, what is it?’
Jenny looked around the room and I followed her gaze. The class was still five minutes from beginning, some of the other women were still arriving and chatting by the door. Emily was stood at the front organising her notes. Jenny finished looking about the room and looked again at me
‘It’s my husband. I’m leaving him.’
My hand flew to my mouth. I had only known Jenny for a short time, and even then I only saw her for a few hours a day, but she was a part of my life. I felt as though we had become so close. I looked forward to seeing her every week. She had never said that we were best friends, but I felt that was exactly what we were.
Then the shock of what Jenny had told me was as though it was
happening to me. And it was, only my husband had left me. This was too convenient. The fact we were both married, Jenny on the brink of divorce, me with mine finalised. My husband had done a damn fine job of getting things moving swiftly with that one. And now with babies growing inside us. Something had brought us together.
Images started to fly around my mind of Jenny homeless, her three children and unborn child without a father. I felt like I now had a role and that I was slotting into Jenny’s life. It all started to make sense, why I was here, why my husband had gone: Jenny needed me.
‘Okay everyone, I know we’re a few minutes early but can we get started as I have a pressing appointment straight after the class today, so I can’t stay and answer any of your questions today.’ Emily’s voice came from the front of the room. ‘Although by now, you are all experts so I’m sure you won’t need my humble advice anymore,’ Emily said with a knowing smile and sniggers of agreement circled the room. The class assembled themselves around us to begin the class.
‘I’ll talk to you during the break,’ Jenny whispered and I gave her a firm nod. I knew my role now as Jenny’s friend and I would do whatever I needed to do to help her.
Emily guided us through the class as usual with dexterity and I meticulously followed the instructions, although my mind was wandering to thoughts of Jenny. I could see little Mikee playing with his toys under the bench. I completed the task, as usual before anyone else in the group, and after I had cleaned my surface down, I moved closer to Jenny who had stopped her cooking to tend to Mikee. She had lifted him up to sit on the bench. I approached and looked at the little lad at eye level.
‘Hello, darling,’ I said in manner that I felt one should address a toddler. Mikee gave me one of his cheekiest grins and I felt a gap inside me fill up.
‘I’m afraid we aren’t getting anywhere today, Grace.’
‘Oh well, I can see why, Jenny. He’s a little cracker.’ I leant over and tickled him under the chin. Mikee giggled and I felt an alien sensation in my chest, like an intense fluttering. I turned to Jenny.
‘So you were telling me? Your husband?’ Jenny looked at me shook her head and waved her hand
‘Oh, that. No. I was being silly. I wasn’t thinking straight. Forget I said anything.’ She rubbed her swelling stomach. ‘It’s nothing, Grace. Forgive me, I was being rash.’
I felt anger surge through my body and a frown fill my face. I tried to lose it before Jenny turned to look at me. When she did, I was ready with a smile.
I couldn’t understand. A few minutes ago, I was on the verge of being able to help Jenny, of being the one she confided in. I had invested my thoughts in her, worried for her safety and now she was brushing me aside, as though it didn’t matter. I could feel something building within me, an anxiety, a bitterness. I didn’t want to be made to feel anything but wanted and needed.
Daisy
There wasn’t much of a change as the days went by. I had to keep talking myself round, telling myself it was going to be okay. Even though I didn’t believe it, I told myself anyway. Occasionally I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest. If I wanted to, I could stop taking the pills, save them up one by one until I had enough to swallow enough at once to do permanent damage. Then I wouldn’t need to wake up and still feel as though I were living in nightmare.
Another morning arrived with another pill. I looked at it in my hand, ready to stash it away. I only needed to do that for a few more weeks and then everything would be okay. It would all just, stop.
The fear in the pit of my stomach was still there. The random thoughts, the guilt.
I took some time to walk about, spend time downstairs and absorb the hazy light of the spring evenings. I went through the motions. Doing all the things I felt I should do. But why wasn’t it changing? All I had was the trust I could invest in myself. But I was never one to be trusted. Not by anyone. I thought of this time, these precious moments I should have been spending with Ben, each kick of the baby should have been shared with him, but I was doing it alone. As I had done once before.
I could feel the weight of Annie’s stares as I wandered around the garden and lounged in the summer house. She always seemed to be there, around a corner pegging out washing or at the side of the bed removing used crockery.
I was in bed most days by 7 p.m. I had established some sort of monotonous routine. Doing things to distract myself from the feeling. The darkness that crept around my body and prevented any joy or happiness from entering. I wished I could wash it away. But I didn’t know how. I tried to cast my mind back to the early days with Ben when I was completely obsessed with him and him with me. It felt so long ago yet we hadn’t even reached our first anniversary.
That night I washed and dressed for bed as usual, taking extra care over my teeth. I had suddenly become panicky of them. It came from nowhere, but it felt like it as something very real. I was worrying that the pregnancy was going to make them all fall out. I’m sure I felt a loose one the other day. I imagined myself an unhealthy toothless woman walking around and I had begun to obsess about it. Watching what I was putting in my mouth. Not consuming any sugar. Annie thought I was doing it for the baby and had praised me for my efforts. But she had no idea the lengths I was going to each day. The amount of time I was thinking about things that would never normally cross my mind. I looked at them now in the mirror. They didn’t look like my teeth anymore.
I climbed into bed and closed my eyes. It was strange how easy sleep came. That was something I thought I would struggle with what with everything my mind was doing, the endless obsessing and thinking and worrying. But each night I lay down and listened to the now familiar noises of the house. The faraway creaking and banging. I had become accustomed to the clanking I heard. They were just part of the house and I had grown to be comforted by them and they now played their part in lulling me to sleep.
I wasn’t sure what I was experiencing at first, was it a dream? There was light and it was harsh and bright. Was I dead? Had I died in my sleep? Was the baby okay? Was I in labour? In the few moments it took for me to come around, all of these thoughts had already been processed.
As I started to come around from sleep I struggled to get to my phone and look at the time. It was 2.36 a.m. The light was on in the room and Annie was standing in front of the bed.
Stark naked.
I sat up, suddenly petrified. I pulled the duvet over my body.
‘Annie, what are you doing!’ I yelled. Annie didn’t reply. She just stood still, her stare burning through me.
Then a memory returned to me. That Christmas evening that Annie walked in on me in the bathroom. She had been sleepwalking. I leant forward and looked at Annie. She looked like she was in the same sleep-like trance as she had been that time. It was eerie to watch but I took a few moments to examine Annie in her most vulnerable state. She wasn’t fat. There weren’t rolls of flab hanging from her waist or thighs. Her skin was surprisingly taut for a woman in her sixties. I cast my eyes across her body. I was startled to see bruises on her arms and legs. On her left arm she had three bruises next to one another in a neat row. I got out of bed feeling a slight chill on my arms. Annie had already turned and was headed back towards the door. I thought I should follow her to make sure she got back safely. In the hallway her whole body was illuminated by the ceiling light and I watched each bottom cheek rise and fall as she walked slowly back to her room. Annie arrived at her bedroom and I stopped abruptly behind her.
That was when Annie turned around and looked directly at me, her nose inches from mine. I took a sharp intake of breath and stepped backwards. Annie turned back to face her door, walked through it and even shut it after herself. I stood for a few minutes taking it all in. Then I waited a few minutes more. I was intrigued to see what Annie was doing on the other side of the door, but I was terrified of what I might find. I tentatively approached the door and opened it as slowly as I could. The light was still on and there was Annie underneath the
duvet. I crept over and listened for breath. I’m not sure why, it was a strangely maternal act. I heard the steady rhythmic breathing so I stepped backwards, turned out the light, left the room and padded back down the hall to my room, turning off the hall light on the way.
Back in my bedroom I turned off the big light and climbed into bed. The weight of my bump was now so uncomfortable, I was experiencing regular shooting pains and dull aches low down. I pushed a pillow under my stomach and felt the relief of the weight lifted. I lay there, still feeling the chill of the room and pulled Ben’s cardigan around me. An eeriness to the whole scenario was filling my body. I kept playing it over and over, wondering why it was bothering me so much.
It took me a little while to fall back to sleep. The image of Annie was on replay in my mind, the unconscious look she gave me before she turned back into her room, the speed at which she was back in bed and lying there as though she hadn’t just been standing naked in my room a few minutes earlier.
I slept in until almost lunchtime the next morning; being woken up in the night had affected me and this morning I found sleeping in came a little more naturally.
I woke to the door opening and Annie walked in with a tray of food and placed it on the bedside table.
‘You need to keep your strength up and that baby needs food. You can’t just sleep all day.’ There was an edge to Annie’s voice that hadn’t been there yesterday. It made my stomach go tense.
Annie placed the tray of food down next to the bed. I peered over. Annie had prepared a fruit platter and a glass of water. Annie perched on the side of the bed, clamping down some of the duvet so it went taught across my leg. I jerked my leg to move but the weight of Annie’s backside had made the duvet too tight for me to release it.