The Daughter in Law

by Nina Manning

  So I pushed all thoughts of Ben aside and I instinctively began to prepare myself. I had the birth pool set up. It had been there for several weeks already. Daisy had noted it a few times but didn’t really make any comment on its imposition nor importance as it sat there taking up the main space in the lounge. I had plenty of juice and teas, brought some local honey as I read it can be very good to take during labour as it gives natural energy. I had purchased several aromatherapy oils from the internet and I had even invested in some resuscitation gear online. I didn’t want to tempt fate, but I had to be fully prepared for all possibilities.

  Death was not on the cards. I had no intention of losing a baby in my house. That was why the baby was here, to bring me the salvation I had been relying on for all these years.

  Images of Daisy in labour were racing through my mind, all the scenarios and possibilities. All the things that could go wrong, that I might have to deal with were prominent in my mind. I knew I was taking a massive risk, but this was my last chance. I still had plenty of life left in me. I could care for the child, give it everything it needed. I would make a wonderful parent for him.

  I paced around the kitchen checking I had everything I needed to hand, I went to the pool and checked the exterior for any holes.

  I had everything else prepared.

  I went outside and stood and listened to the sea breeze whipping across the sea wall whispering to me. I could feel it in the air. It was tangible. I was both nervous and excited. Everything was prepared. Soon everything would be as it should be.

  Daisy

  I woke with a dull ache in my abdomen and spent a few extra minutes on the toilet, trying to relieve it. But it remained there as I took the steps slowly downstairs and I realised it was the beginning.

  Annie was there at the bottom of the stairs ready to greet me. She was wearing what appeared to be sports casuals, something I had never seen her in before as though she were about to run a race. Her face was fixed in a grimace she was desperately trying to pass off as a smile.

  ‘Daisy, how are you?’ She put her arm around me and chaperoned me into the kitchen. There was juice and fruit and cereal all laid out.

  ‘I’m feeling some lower abdomen pains, but other than that…’

  ‘That could be the start of the labour, does it feel like a period?’

  ‘Yes, sort of.’

  Something was preventing me from fully opening up and revealing my true thoughts. I had been here before, so I knew what was what. I had felt this same sensation all those years ago and I wanted to keep it to myself. But Annie was a like a wild-eyed creature fussing around me, as though she could sense it and smell the hormones that were slowly releasing themselves into my body, preparing me for birth.

  ‘Right then, young lady, let’s get you filled up. If this it, you’re going to need all the energy you can get.’

  It only took an hour before the first contraction came, which was soft and slow. I didn’t call out to Annie initially. I hid in the bathroom first, crouching or on all fours. I wanted to keep those first few to myself because I knew that once I was in established labour I could lose control and I wouldn’t be in the moment like I was now. I walked around the house a little before I then went and sat on the bed with my lower back very straight against the bottom of the headboard. I allowed myself to relax into the moment and tried to push out the sounds of the house. The creaking pipes of the hot water as Annie washed up downstairs, the slow whoosh of each wave through the window I had open ajar. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out and allowed the soft contractions to come and go imagining them as the waves I could hear just beyond the wall. I did this for what seemed like a long time and when I looked at my phone, half an hour had passed. I didn’t want Annie to be with me, egging me on. But I didn’t want to be at a hospital either, where all the memories of Alice would come back. I had thought very little about the baby throughout the pregnancy because of how guilty I felt about Alice, the memory of how I had failed her played over and over in my mind daily. But one thing I had thought about was this moment, and I imagined I would share it with Ben, that instead of the scared little girl I was the first time round, this time I would have the strength of my husband to help me through.

  However, Ben wasn’t here and I knew I would need to turn to Annie eventually – but right now I needed to be alone. So I shut my eyes and took very long deep breaths.

  I opened my eyes. Something had changed. There was a sensation taking shape within me. What was it exactly, I couldn’t be sure. An excitement to meet the child that Ben and I had created together maybe? Wherever he was now, whatever he may be doing, we created the child out of love. I would always be sure of that. I would always be able to tell the child that. And maybe once the baby was here, everything would work itself out. Ben would come back and we would find a way back to how things were.

  Annie

  I found her eventually at the bottom of the garden. I don’t know how she had managed to slip by me. I must have been so busy setting up in the lounge. She thought that I wouldn’t know she was now in established labour, but I could tell by the way she had been walking from room to room, feigning interest in a magazine article. I could hear her breath, the way it had become laboured and I could see her mouth closing into a small ‘O’ shape and slowly blowing out.

  I must admit it was a shock to see her trying to hide her contractions from me this way. But it just went to show what a determined little madam she could be.

  I walked over to her and already I could see the look on her face. She was going to try and defy me.

  She was on her knees by the garden wall, so far along towards the end of the garden I had almost missed her. I could see a few fisherman on the sea horizon and in the distance a couple of dog walkers. It was already gone 10 a.m. and Daisy had been up since seven-thirty so things must have progressed fairly rapidly. There wasn’t much time to lose. I needed her inside, where I had everything ready. I needed her away from any prying eyes. I put my arm outstretched ready for her to grab it and lift herself up.

  ‘Come on, Daisy, let’s get you inside.’

  ‘I don’t need your help, thank you Annie,’ she told me through gritted teeth.

  ‘Well, I would say quite the opposite. You need me very much, dear. I am the only friend you have here.’

  ‘Friend? Friend? You aren’t my friend, Annie. Eve was my friend. Ben was my friend.’

  ‘You’re delirious and in pain, Daisy. My life has revolved around you these last few months. I suggest you start feeling grateful, young lady, if only for the sake of that child.’ I let a long-awaited breath out of my body.

  I watched as she struggled to get into a comfortable position. I realised that it wouldn’t be long now as I observed the behaviour, she was definitely displaying signs that she was getting closer.

  ‘Daisy, Daisy this is silly.’ With my anger subsided, I could talk her round, I was sure of it. I crouched down. ‘You don’t want to have the baby out here, dear. It’s too cold for him. He will freeze to death. You need to come inside. I have the birth pool all ready for you with the temperature just right. I think you are close now, aren’t you? I’m right, aren’t I? You can feel the push, can’t you? We should get you undressed and into the water, you’ll be comfortable there. Come on, dear.’

  I reached out my hand again and this time she took it.

  I got her undressed and helped her into the birth pool. The contractions were coming on stronger. I could see Daisy couldn’t fight them off anymore. She was making deep animalistic noises. My heart began to pound hard for the child that I was going to meet very soon.

  Daisy

  ‘Come on Daisy, that’s right, you’re doing great, now you just concentrate on your breathing and let the body do its natural thing. Don’t worry about a thing, it’s all going to be okay.’

  The sound of Annie was like a faraway echo. I had transported myself somewhere else. But it would have helped more if she would pipe down
with her ridiculous cheerleading.

  Thoughts were rushing round my head. Where was Ben? Why wasn’t he here? Had I really pushed him away with what I had said? As my body flooded with adrenaline and all the right hormones I needed to bring the baby into the world, so in turn did it replace any of the effects of the drugs I had been taking. Suddenly I felt more free than I had felt in months. Although my uterus was contracting and the pain was unbearable, I was no longer feeling any of the dark fears and thoughts I had been experiencing since Eve’s death and Ben’s disappearance.

  If I could get through this, I could get through anything.

  The next contraction came quicker than the last and I couldn’t repress the animalistic sound that erupted from my mouth.

  ‘Arrrrrghhhhh!’ I leant over the side of the pool.

  After another hour of contractions that were getting closer together, there was nothing I could do, except hold on whilst I let out a long groan at the height of the contraction. It simmered away, as though someone was turning it down with a dial. I took the time to breathe in and out. I looked around the dimly lit room. Annie had closed all the curtains. There was a faint smell of lavender in the air.

  ‘They are coming fast now, dear. Stand up so I can see your back.’

  ‘What… why?’ I cried

  ‘Because your lower back will give me some indication as to whether the baby is coming or not.’

  I wanted to get this baby out of me and as she and I were the only ones here, we were going to have to work together at it.

  I pulled myself forward to expose a little of my back. Annie had a torch in her hand as was waving it around,

  ‘Oh yes, that’s it. I can see it. Baby won’t be long now.’

  ‘It’s coming out of my vagina, not my back,’ I wailed.

  ‘Your back is stretching and changing colour, which means baby is on his way. Can you stay on all fours, so I can catch him? When you feel the next big contraction, can you push all the way into your bottom?’

  For a moment I was back in the delivery room with Heidi and moments away from meeting Alice. I realised I was crying.

  The next contraction came and I used all my energy to push very hard into my bottom as instructed, finding that it eased the pain. The more I pushed, the more I wanted to push the pain away.

  ‘Oh look, I see the head, I see the head!’ Annie cried out.

  ‘Arrrrrghhhhhhhh! What do I do?’ I held onto the side of the pool as the pain ripped through my body from my head to my toes.

  ‘Just wait for the next contraction, then push again. Let’s get this little baby out of you.’

  It didn’t take long; the contractions had been coming seconds apart and with the next one I did as I was instructed and pushed.

  I wouldn’t have known the baby was out except for the fact Annie was wailing. ‘He’s here. My son is here.’

  I was so delirious I knew I wasn’t hearing right. I turned around and let Annie lift him to the surface and onto my chest.

  ‘We need to let the umbilical cord do its thing for a few more minutes, to keep pumping the blood. It’s really good for the baby.’ I could see Annie was shaking. I was shaking too from all the adrenaline racing around my body and for a few seconds both of us stayed there together silent, I cradled my son in my arms and Annie leant over the pool, perspiration around her forehead. She looked adoringly at the baby. It was a look similar to the one I had seen as she had tended to her garden, but a more intense version. All that coarseness was gone. Her face had softened and she looked almost unrecognisable. I could feel the joy creeping through my body and I was so overwhelmed I began to cry again. Annie took her eyes from the baby for a moment and looked at me.

  ‘Ah, don’t cry, girl. You did well. Bringing this into the world. I have scales, we can weigh him later. Shall we cut the cord now? I know how to tie it. I watched a video.’

  I watched as Annie took the scissors and cut the umbilical cord, then clamped it with a plastic clip. The baby started to wriggle. So far, he had been silent. Then he began to cry a loud penetrating cry

  ‘Good lord. What a set of lungs,’ Annie sang. ‘I’ll wrap him up and hold him whilst you wait for the placenta.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The placenta. It comes out after the baby. Shouldn’t be long.’ Annie held out her hands and for the second time in my life, I reluctantly handed over my newborn baby.

  Annie

  As I held the child in my arms for the first time I was filled with such joy. I didn’t realise it was possible to feel such a way. Surely these sorts of emotions had to be paid for, they didn’t come for free.

  How was it possible to have such life in your hands? It was incredible. This little wriggling mass of particles was alive and letting the world know he had made it. Against all the biological complexities, he kept growing and changing and getting stronger each day until he pushed his way out into the world. I knew I was going to love this little life harder than I had ever loved anyone.

  Grace

  As I stood there in Emily’s kitchen on that final day with Jenny, I praised myself for my ability to stay calm. I was able, I found, to not change the expression on my face even though I knew my world was already tumbling down on me. The sensation was familiar, as I had been here so many times before. I felt very hot, beads of perspiration appeared on my forehead and my mouth filled with saliva. I hoped it wouldn’t be too painful. But I was lucky I was able to withhold emotions and not allow anyone to know how I was feeling nor know what was going on inside my body.

  ‘I tell you what, Jenny, you get yourself settled, I’m just popping to the ladies’. When I come back, I’ll get us a nice cup of tea.’

  ‘Oh Grace, you’re too kind.’ Jenny touched my arm and her face compressed into one of real gratitude.

  I walked with great composure to the toilet, never wavering or speeding up. I took my time. There was nothing about that moment I wanted to rush to get to. Yet I couldn’t bypass it either, like skipping a few pages in a book or flicking straight to the article of interest in a magazine. I had to troll through the bits I wished to avoid, that didn’t make sense.

  I entered Emily’s bathroom and the trickle between my legs was warm and familiar. I knew what to expect. The last few had been earlier and earlier. I wasn’t even able to reach the twelve-week mark. But this, a mere nine weeks in. I didn’t even know why I had allowed myself to feel even the slightest notion of hope. It was all over. I was ruined. No husband. No baby.

  I pulled down my tights and knickers and I wasn’t even alarmed at the vibrant red mass that engulfed the gusset. I simply tidied myself up as best as I could.

  Aside from my heart racing, I knew I would appear completely calm. I walked out of the toilet and back into Emily’s kitchen.

  I found my way back to Jenny. Tea was what was needed.

  ‘I’ll get some tea for us, Jenny.’ I spoke robotically.

  Jenny was about to say something, thank me for my kindness perhaps, but then her attention was stolen from me as we both turned towards a ruckus at the doorway. One of the other girls had left her cooking station and was at the doorway with a man. The man was tall with dark hair. His face was covered in a grey stubble and he was rubbing the side of his head with one hand. Jenny’s face had fallen into a look of horror. The man was making quite a commotion at the door and was now trying to make his way into the room. Emily had been busy at the front, but her attention was now on the uninvited guests causing disruption. She began to walk over to him. I looked at Jenny, whose face had turned a sickly grey colour.

  Daisy

  ‘So what are you going to call him?’ Annie sat in the hard chair that she had positioned right up close to the soft chair, where I was now sat, wrapped up in a towel and terry towelling robe. The baby was cradled in my arms. It had been a task to get him back off Annie who had been holding him for the time it took me to get the placenta out, get out of the pool, clean myself up and get into something dry. The baby
was wrapped in a soft cotton towel, still naked.

  ‘I’ve always liked the name Daniel. Or Isaac,’ Annie offered.

  I pulled my mouth down. ‘Hmmm, I hadn’t really thought about it. I didn’t know if I was going to have a boy or a girl. How did you know he would be a boy?’

  ‘Just intuition. I could feel those boy vibes.’

  I looked at Annie. ‘Did you get those boy vibes for Ben?’

  ‘Um, yes I suppose I did. I bet you’re desperate for a cup of tea? Toast? Shall I make toast as well?’ Annie stood up and slipped out the room.

  I lay my head back on the chair took in a deep breath then looked down at the bundle in my arms. It was nothing short of a miracle to have something so small and helpless yet so alive in my arms. Here was my boy, ready to start his life. Could I possibly do it this time? Could I possibly be enough for him? Without Ben, I was all he had.

  Annie returned with my tea and after I guzzled it down, she escorted me upstairs for a proper rest. I walked into the bedroom, carrying the baby, followed closely by Annie.

  ‘Do we have a bed for him. I mean, did you—’

  ‘Yes, yes, Daisy, I got all of that sorted. I thought we could use the front spare as his nursery. It’s small and cosy. We could put his little basket in there.’

  ‘But I thought…’ I turned round to face Annie. ‘I thought he would be in here, next to me.’

  ‘Daisy, you’ve just given birth. You have been severely depressed and I don’t know if you are better yet. I’m sorry. But I can’t expect you to be on your own with him. You will be exhausted. It’s just for a few days, whilst you get your strength back. Now look, you need to get some rest. He came at good time. Just in time for an afternoon nap.’